In 2 Me See

A call to 911, an ambulance ride, a visit to L&D ... but all is ok now.

2011-09-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I can communicate how seriously traumatic last night was for me.

After picking up my son, around 6p, I was cooking dinner and feeling a bit dizzy and generally not well. I had some water and sat down. I let my husband finish making dinner when he got home at 6:20p. I ate dinner and had more water and told my hubby that I wasn't feeling well and that I'd be going to bed right after dinner and he asked "at 7p?" and I said "yep". I was realizing that I had been having BH contractions for like 20 mins straight with no relief. I know that you're supposed to drink water and lay down ... so I grabbed some water and headed to the bedroom.

Then I started feeling pain. I was timing things and it seemed like pain was washing over me every 8 mins, I started to wonder ... how many BH contractions do you have before you call the on-call? I called the on-call and waited for her reply. And since at that point I'd had 3, in less than 30 mins I thought ... what's the timing you should wait for if the contractions are painful and not just BH? should I be calling with these symptoms, maybe I'm overreacting? ... and then I realized ... it *wasn't* normal to have rhythmic PAINFUL contractions (it's then that I realized I was out of the realm of BH ... that took a few mins to process though) ... and then that fourth contraction was a serious doozy ... I was panting, breathing through it, I was switching positions, I called my old doula but got VM ... it felt JUST LIKE labor. It felt like back labor and I had the feeling of wanting to have a BM, I wanted to push. I knew this wasn't good. But there was no mucus plug, no bleeding ... my uterus was rock solid. It was painful to touch my uterus - that was weird. The only relief I could find was to do a hard pelvic tilt forward. But that only came with some relief.

This entire time my husband was bathing my son (on the other side of our small house) and putting him to bed - giving me time to rest ... little did he know how quickly things escalated. I tried repeatedly calling the home phone - his cell phone was next to me. He didn't answer. I yelled for him and he was shocked to learn what was going on. He tried to quickly return to handling our son, putting him down for bed, but before he could return ... I couldn't wait for the on-call to call me back nor could I wait for my husband - I couldn't imagine walking to the car and sitting for the ride to the hospital - I called 911 ... I just wasn't sure this baby would stay inside for the time it would take to be seen by a medical professional. But I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.

When the EMTs arrived it had been 10 mins since the last contraction (which was great since they were more like every 8 mins), they did the vitals and my heart rate was around 125. They took me to my hospital (about 25 mins away) ... I had two mild contractions in the ambulance and noted that I was at least feeling the baby ... I was still having BH, but the pain was all but gone.

I realized I had to pee in the ambulance - and I knew that holding pee exacerbates BH and contractions, so I asked the young EMT guy (note: he was single, no kids) if he had a diaper or pad or something ... he didn't, I told him he'd need to rig something or else I was going to pee on his gurney ... we found some chux pads and some absorbent wound dressing material and I tried as hard as I could to pee en route ... but I couldn't I guess I'm too well potty trained. I felt bad for the poor young guy ... I said - "unattractive bathroom activities ... this is what you can look forward to in marriage!" Poor guy.

When I got to the ER I demanded - who's going to help me go pee! and quickly they took me to the ER bathrooms - and I realized I was barefoot (ewwww) ... the orderly got me some skid proof socks and I tell you - I haven't peed more in my life. Then they wheeled me to L&D.

When the ER nurse who was wheeling me up to L&D asked me if I was still having contractions I told her no, that they were only BH at this point. When she dropped me off at L&D the L&D nurse asked - what is she here for? ... and the ER nurse replied "braxton hicks" ... and without delay I said, "No, painful, real contractions" ... punk.

As I mentioned, after arriving at the hospital I had no more contractions. I was seen by a fantastic L&D nurse and doctor who gave me an NST and an internal/pelvic ... I told them that I had eaten/drank just as much as I usually do and though this is usually caused by dehydration, I don't think that was the case here for me. The NST showed an irritable uterus (as usual for me - I had that with all my NSTs with Dru from 32-39w and again at my anatomy scan for this LO, they could SEE on u/s my uterus contracting!) and the baby was moving a ton :-) ... I haven't had an internal with this pregnancy (I opted out of the 10w appt) but I told her that in my last pregnancy I fell at 25w and my OB found that I had a soft cervix and she had my length checked via ultrasound - and since everything was good in that case, that perhaps a soft cervix was more normal for me. So with this exam she wasn't surprised to find that it was soft around the edges, but firm otherwise and a couple of centimeters in length with no dilation or effacement ... and high up - she said there's more centimeters inside the uterus and she was encouraged by the results. They monitored me for another hour just to make sure. She also said it was good news that: I've carried a baby to term previously, that after all those painful (seemingly progressive) contractions - the cervix was robustly in tact, and that there was pain ... she indicated that incompetent cervix usually presents with no indication, no pain. That and she said we did all the right things - that was nice to hear.

While I was there, I drank 3 cups of water and I took a fourth cup on the road. When I finished that in the car, I ate some nuts my husband had packed while the EMT guys were doing there thing and taking care of me, there wasn't much else my husband could do to help - so he packed a bag and followed behind the ambulance in the car. Anyhow, while driving home from our experience, I had an incredibly dry mouth trying to eat those almonds ... and just wanted ... needed ... more water.

I got home and during the hour it took me to get to bed, I was parched for water and drank 20 oz. Between midnight and 5A, I drank 20 more ounces ... since sleeping and drinking a ton ... I've really felt almost back to normal. Now I'm really wondering if I *was* dehydrated and just didn't know it! It was 80 degrees here yesterday and I was carrying around a smaller water bottle than I usually do and I didn't fill it up MORE times to compensate. I'm hoping I was just dehydrated ... because what the heck happened??! When I asked them this, when I was afraid to be released (because there didn't seem to be a cause and without a cause - what can you do to treat it??!) ... they said that with an irritable uterus, if the baby went through a growth spurt - this could have been caused by that ... but that doesn't provide me with any action to take to avoid this in the future. Just prayer, trust, and suppressing fear.

If you're wondering why they didn't give me an IV in L&D, it's b/c I kept telling them that I drank and ate as much as I usually do - it wasn't until leaving (and needing to drink SO MUCH more water) that I realized that maybe this was a dehydration issue.

I'm so glad that is behind me. I can't even *imagine* what it would have been like going through this in public or at work or something ... it was really scary and I felt very vulnerable. Both Berilac and I kept saying why did this have to happen this week? Why couldn't it be next week??! (I'm 23 weeks and my hospital considers viability with a baby's weight of 650g - that's the 50% for a 24 week old baby) ... I have been waiting to get past viability ... and all this happened just 6 days prior. Thank the good LORD nothing more came of this ... it could have ended very poorly.

Today, I'm drinking like a camel and maintaining my pattern of eating something every 2-3 hours ... I'm hoping this will keep that experience from recurring. I've had enough drama for one pregnancy.

Praising God and thanking all my friends that surrounded me in prayer. James 5:16

With much love and gratitude,
Polly

A milkshake to celebrate gender :-)

2011-08-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

We didn't find out Dru's gender because we felt like there were very few good surprises in life - we wanted that experience of waiting to find out. Well, we've been there, done that ... and it was nice. But I will say that as a woman who has experienced infertility/loss, not knowing contributed to my not bonding as much as I could have with my son. I kept calling him "it" rather than knowing the gender and naming the baby early. I remember being shocked that they put a live baby on my belly at delivery - I was really shocked I actually had a baby. Now, I'm not sure that's linked to not knowing the gender, but I think we can safely say that for self preservation reasons, I'm prone to not bond with a baby developing in my uterus. So ... this time, we wanted to try finding out the gender. I wanted to call the little one our baby girl or our baby boy. I wanted to start the bonding process early ... and hopefully - be able to name the baby well before they require it before letting you out of the hospital. It took us a few days to name Dru and many friends thought we were just trying to keep them on the edges of their seats - when in fact, we entered the hospital with 100 potential names - our problem is - we like 'em all! So we were kind of hoping that by finding out, we could settle on a name before we are enroute to labor and delivery ;-)

According to Ramzi’s theory, our 8 week ultrasound showed the placenta on the right side of my uterus – which is supposed to have a 97% chance at boy. I was emotionally preparing myself for another little boy. Thinking about all the advantages and disadvantages to having two little boys. I was really marinating in the possibility of little brothers.

Then came the NT scan at 12w1d – where they analyzed the nub angle or angle of the dangle (as all fetus' at this point have protruding genetalia, the techs can sometimes use the angle of it compared to the spine/backbone to correctly guess the fetus' gender) and so at mine they guessed (with 90% certainty) that this baby would be a girl – but they encouraged us not to buy anything yet.

So I went from thinking blue to thinking pink … I thought I would be excited for something new and different - for a same gender baby – but instead, I was sad not to have a baby brother for Dru. I was really getting excited about two boys. Then I started to notice the baby's movement on the right (which, according to Ramzi is supposed to mean girl) yet most people who guessed - based on how I'm carrying, would guess BOY. And Berilac REALLY thought boy and wasn’t convinced by anyone’s guesses – with nub “proof” or not (not really proof – this theory too has a good chance of being wrong)!

The ultrasound in which we found out was a sonographer training (that’s how we got it early - 18.5 weeks – and they paid us $50 to do it! Heck yeah!) so we went into it as their subjects with the caveat that we would only participate if they told us gender – and they were more than happy to cooperate! So on our way into the scan Berilac says to me “I hope it’s a boy” and with surprise, I ask him “how come?” and he tells me …. “because if it’s a girl, we’re more likely to be done having kids, if it’s a boy, I’ll want to try for a girl” … I didn't know he wanted a girl, much less, that he was interested in having more than two kids :) after all that we've been through, I was surprised to hear his inclination.

We brought in a blank card and asked that they determine gender, write it down on our card, put in a photo and seal it up. We wanted to experience learning this information on our terms, not theirs. So, they had us close our eyes when they did it and they told us the baby cooperated and that they were able to meet our wishes.

During the ultrasound, after the gender check, they used the words “she and he” and “her and him” (look at "his" vertebrae!) but it didn't seem obvious to me what we were having … so we enjoyed the rest of the ultrasound got a really cool dvd and I asked for my cervical length out of curiosity (3.7mm, good.) and we left the hospital in all smiles. We headed directly down to a local diner to celebrate. Because I have been having milkshake cravings this pregnancy we thought it appropriate to celebrate with something the baby loves! I called in advance and found out they didn’t have blueberry shakes, so we came prepared, blueberries in tow. We tried to decide if we wanted to give them the card and have them bring out one shake (Berilac didn’t want them up in our business so that was nixed), we considered ordering one shake in each flavor and only drinking the one (but that seemed like a waste) … so eventually we settled on opening the card and letting the great news absorb while we waited for our fries and appropriately colored shake to arrive.

We prayed in thanks for the amazing gift we had been given (regardless of this precious little ones gender), we opened the card, and I cried.

Berilac said “I knew it was a girl because during the ultrasound they kept using the pronoun – SHE!” I told him that I thought I saw the bits when I think they showed us a quick glance at the potty shot while moving around (because the baby moved A TON) and my first thought was … “no penis, I’ll bet that card says girl!”

But … we both still could have been wrong. It was nice to see the pic and get the confirmation. Pretty in pink, here we come. During the ultrasound, after they had told us that they were able to tell and write down for us the gender, we asked how certain they were, if they were 100% and they laughed said - you can only be certain when they are here - and they mimiced rocking a newborn baby.

We've had the official 20 week ultrasound since then (last Thursday at 21w1d, today I am 22w2d) and they were able to confirm girl again. This tech said that she was 99.99% sure it was a girl and she showed us (me and my mom this time) the potty shot - complete with three lines and nothing more. We also got to review all of the organs, the cervical length, the amniotic fluid levels, and size of the baby and everything looked "unremarkable" and "normal" ... this baby is measuring in almost exactly the 50 percentile ... so a wee bit tiny-er than Dru, and for that I'm grateful. He was 8#11 at birth and I'm hoping not to exceed that this time.

A little girl to celebrate and less than 2 weeks until viability. Thank you Lord.

Heartbroken for another family ...

2011-06-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

If you get a chance to head over to Sandi's blog about her precious twin boys, born in late January of this year, victims of TTTS ... one of their sweet boys, Sebastian, was released home from the NICU about a month ago ... but today their other precious boy lost his fight. He was 12 oz. when he was born at 27 weeks, he survived surgeries, tubes, nearly losing his life many times ... he had quite the fighters spirit. But today he went home to be with the Lord.

This family could use your love if you have a moment to give it.

Samuel Bradford Stambaugh
1/27/11-6/28/11

Happy 4th

2011-06-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

I am shocked that today marks my fourth annual blog-o-versary ... can you believe it; I've been shouting from the rooftops for all to hear ... for four years??! ... And I'm so fortunate to say that four years later, I have an amazing son and a bun in the oven - when I didn't think I would.

I'm so grateful.

In honor of that I will share my most recent belly pic :) This is me, the morning after our NT scan, 12w2d.

Check out my belly-zilla!

Extremely fortunate ...

2011-06-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've checked in. Since the last post, I've been attending a parental bereavement support group on a weekly basis where I've come face to face with my broken heart. With working, and raising a toddler, life is very busy - so busy that sometimes I compartmentalize my dad's death and don't face it for days at a time. The support group provides me the space I need to take time for my grief. It's a huge blessing. I feel like I am tying loose ends, I feel so grateful.

Dru is growing by leaps and bounds. He's 18 months old now. He's got at least 100 words, he can repeat just about anything you say, so I've given up counting :-) He's been walking since the day before my Dad died. We were able to take a video to the ICU to show my dad before he passed - that was bittersweet. Dru is now running, climbing, and generally just non stop. He recently started taking 1 nap a day, and with all the chasing we do, we are grateful that that is always longer than 2 hours. He's eating four times a day, drinking 24 oz of whole milk from a sippy. He's still in diapers, but we've definitely started introducing the potty concept to him - he can tell us when he needs to pee and poo, so I don't believe we are that far off from training. I am very proud of mommy's little helper, as he carries his step stool to and from the bathroom, his high chair, and the place that it belongs - he is so independent and can do so much! It's so funny to ask him to put away his step stool - and he does! He carries his dishes to the sink, he wipes up the floor when he's spilled food, he carries his laundry to the dirty laundry bin. He puts his toys and books away and he sings along to "Clean up, clean up, everybody help!" ... we are very much so working on helping him to understand that he is part of a family and it's not all fun and games! Though we also enjoy plenty of trips to the park, many walks (with and without the stroller), sprinkler and water table activities now with the warm weather ... and we purchased three separate local amusement park season passes - so we can just jump in the car on a Saturday morning to enjoy a day out with the family! He loves those little rides :-)

My favorite story about Dru: after a minor fall or tumble, if he's crying we offer a kiss to the owie site in hopes of declaring "all better" and moving on :-) he will regularly now approach me, telling me about his owie and pointing to and saying "knee" (cause that's where the majority of them are) and I'll ask him if he wants me to kiss it and he says "kiss" ... it's very sweet. Well, the other day, we were doing some naked time as he was dealing with a pretty sensitive diaper rash (which are typically rare for us), I was laying down, playing with Dru on the diningroom floor, when he started pointing to his sweet little cheeks and declaring - "owie" as he was trying to back up into my face, all the while requesting that I "kiss" ... his hind region. My husband laughed so hard, asking me, "are you going to kiss his butt?"

And to give an update on cycles and the like ... I will tell you, after our most recent miscarriage. In January, I was pretty deflated. Combine that with the loss of my Dad and I was just crushed. Berilac and were trying to decide what to do. We knew we didn't want to travel to Colorado again (interupting our work, our families, costing a fortune) ... all to have another miscarriage. We started to consider what else was out there for us. We had some left over meds in the fridge that we didn't want going bad and we have 6 IUI's covered by our insurance that we've never used. We had nearly agreed that we would pursue the low-grade interventions of oral and injectible ovarian stimulation combined with IUI, while we investigated and prepared for embryo adoption, homestudy, fostering, and domestic adoption. I signed up for an embryo adoption website account and we were contemplating what to write in our profiles. I was calling many different agencies, including local government to learn more about adoption options. I was considering getting a homestudy that could be applied toward the many routes we were considering. I investigated my adoption benefits ... and we just soaked in as much as we could, waited, and prayed. We had hybrid cycle in February with Femera + injects + IUI and that was a BFN. We opted to take the Mar/Apr cycle off, as we needed a mental break, and that cycle would produce another Christmas baby. We instead opted to get monitored that cycle - to get an idea of what my hormonal baselines were b/c trying naturally was not something we'd actively pursued for so many cycles that I was curious where all my hormones were at at various stages of a cycle. And for the first time in 5 years, I ovulated before CD19.

I was planning on coming in on CD 17 and getting some hormone levels drawn to see what my estrogen and progesterone were doing just before LH surge, but instead I had my LH surge on CD15 (WHAT!?) and the best news was ... is that the surge disappeared as soon as it had arrived (most months my surge lasts 5-8 days ... literally, I pee on an OPK and it's positive for about a week) ... so I went in for an ultrasound, and there in my ovary was one perfect little 21mm by 21mm follicle. We gave myself a trigger shot that I had lying around (who can say they have those?) ... and my husband and I opted to ... well, DO what people trying to have babies do ;-) ... and two weeks later, I was staring at the first positive pregnancy test I had seen from a "natural" cycle in over 3 years. After Dru's birth we started trying at the 6w post partum visit, so I had tried for over a year, with a CCRM fresh IVF cycle thrown in there ... and it wasn't until 14 months later that I was looking at a positive stick.

My first beta at 14dpo was 112 (with Dru it was 108)
My second beta at 16dpo was 286 (with Dru it was 300)
My third beta at 20dpo was 1855 (we didn't do any more with Dru)
We experienced heartbeats with a perfectly measuring bean at 6w5d, 8w, 9w, and 10w.

And this past Thursday we had our NT scan and the nuchal fold was 1.3mm with a risk of DS at about 1:8000.

I am ecstatic and in utter shock.

CCRM is also in shock, they of course are very happy for me, but they really can't believe it happened. I too didn't think it would happen to me. So many embryos so few lives babies. I truly didn't think a spontaneous pregnancy could result in a healthy LO.

Sorry to have withheld this news from you. It's been a rollercoaster these last few months. It's hard to be excited and in utter joy about this baby, all while running into experiences where I miss my Dad so much it hurts. It has all been very overwhelming for me.

I am 12w5d pregnant. My next appointment is in 8 days. I'm continuing to thank God for this, and asking for protection for the little bean.

Oh ... and by the way ... this baby has a due date 3 days after Dru's 12/28 ... yet the baby was measuring 3 days large at the NT scan ... Christmas baby much? Yes, please.

The eulogy

2011-02-06T23:18:00.000-08:00

I was honored to deliver my Dad's eulogy on 1/22 in California and 1/29 in Utah. We cremated my Dad, so the last step in this process will be spreading his ashes - that is yet to come. Below is what I shared about my Dad.

***

I am truly honored to be here today. Although the occasion is sad, it’s an honor and a privilege to represent my Dad’s life to those he cared for and loved most. My Dad was an amazing man, a descent human, a loving father, and a very involved grandfather. I don’t think words can do it justice – to consider how great my Dad was. Forgive me as words alone are inadequate.

On a normal day, if you happened to see my father on the street, the first impression that my father gave was that he was not materialistic – the furthest thing from it! He might have been climbing out of one of his many jalopies, coming directly from doing some form of manual labor – proven by the disheveled hair left on his balding head. Clothing: mismatched, oversized, spattered in paint. He’d be carrying half a cup of cold 7-11 coffee, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He would bounce by making conversation with anyone he passed and as quickly as he appeared, he’d be heading for his next adventure – likely whistling and smiling.

Unpredictable, maybe a little scattered, and definitely eccentric, that was the man you’d see on the outside, but I’m here today to talk about the man on the inside … that we, as the closest to him, knew him truly to be.

My Dad was warm to an impractical fault: He was an old softy. You know those adorable little chicks? The cute yellow ones that are all fuzzy and cuddly? My Dad was walking through the local pet store with my then 5 year old niece when she saw these adorable little creatures. My Dad immediately went home, brought together a make shift chicken coup and returned the next day to buy my niece a couple of chicks. He nursed those chicks in the early days – keeping them in his bedroom overnight to protect them from the cold. The bright incubator light and incessant chirping robbed him of his sleep, but he didn’t care. My niece was in love with the cute fuzzy chick aspect of these animals, my Dad knew that those chicks would grow out of their adorable phase and into that awkward pin feather stage within weeks of purchase – but he wanted to give his sweet granddaughter those adorable chicks she wanted so badly, even if the long term investment paid off only for a matter of days.

My Dad was humble: Days after turning 18 I found a room to rent and I packed my bags. In the middle of the day, on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, without warning, I started loading my belongings into my car – I was moving out. My Dad was sitting at the dining room table talking with one of his tenants. He was half engaged in the tenant’s complaint and half perplexed by what his daughter was doing. My Dad was crushed when he learned that I was moving out. Weeks later my Dad invited me out to lunch, asked me how he could have missed this huge transition in his daughter’s life. He humbly admitted that he’d been an uninvolved parent throughout the years. He apologized for not taking the time to get to know his daughter. We shared some hard truths that day; we shared our hurts and found forgiveness. Through tears he asked if we could start again. From that day forward our relationship blossomed into what it is today.

My Dad faced challenges with courage: We anticipated my Dad’s death. In August of last year he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. With every doctor’s appointment he wanted and asked for the truth; if he was afraid he sure didn’t show it. He took every measure, endured every treatment; he never complained, he never wanted to be a burden. When he showed up to his first oncology appointment he arrived wearing a three piece suit with dazzling suspenders and a ridiculous grey wig and top hat. My Dad was a bit of a nut case like that, but when I look back on it now I realize he was trying to make light of the situation to protect us all from the extreme gravity of his reality. He chuckled when I let him know that when the doctor ordered a brain MRI as one of the follow up screenings … an oncologist would only look for metastasized tumors in the brain if the patient were showing behavioral issues – I called the Oncologist to provide my Dad a character witness – this cute costume get up was not something out of the ordinary for my Dad – THAT, was normal. Even in his final days, he withheld from us that he was ready to go, to the very end he was protecting those he loved most. He showed courage in protecting us.

My Dad was thoughtful: The gift was not something expensive and impressive – honestly, his gifts never were. I remember right after we had our son and laundry somehow became overwhelming – just getting to it proved challenging. When Dad was helping around the house he noticed that the washing machine knob had broken off. One night, when our son went down for bed, my Dad stepped out for a bit, and upon his return he was talking about something rather benign, the traffic or the weather or something and as he chatted, he pulled out this small accessory. Discreetly he tested the knob on the washing machine. It was a little thing, but he knew that even the little things, like a working washing machine knob made the harder things in life, like caring for a newborn … just that much easier.

My Dad valued connection and relationships: My Dad and I were very close. If ever I had good news or difficult news to share, after I got off the phone with my husband Berilac, I’d call my Dad. For many years my husband and I struggled with recurrent pregnancy loss. During that time of struggle I called my Dad four times to tell him that we were miscarrying … again. And every time my Dad did not have a trite “just relax” or an almost callous “I guess it wasn’t meant to be” … instead my Dad wept with me. When we would see each other, he would just wrap his arms around me and tell me how sorry he was. He tried to keep his tears from me; he didn’t want me to see how heartbreaking the experience was for him when he knew we were carrying our own very heavy burden.

I remember the day my son was finally born. Given our journey, many people surrounded us in love and support, waiting outside the delivery room. I tell you, if my Dad were a girl – he would have been in there with me every step of the way! When Grandpa came in to finally meet his new grandson, Berilac handed him to my Dad and my Dad through alligator tears said “we’ve been waiting a long time for you”. And he had to hand him back and leave the room to rebuild his composure. The days, weeks, and months following Dru’s birth were tough. And who was there, taking the overnight shift to allow a couple of exhausted new parents to get some sleep? … my Dad. He’d jump at the chance to change a dirty diaper. He held, and rocked, and sang to Dru – comforting him in those early days – it was such a blessing. Months before he died my Dad said to me “I am so proud of you, you are such an amazing mom” … now that would have been a nice compliment coming from anyone, but it meant so much more coming from someone who knew me and knew my life – coming from my Dad, a man I love and respect.

He was filled with compassion: My Dad not only opened up his apartments to help those who needed an extra hand, but he would also take people into his home. He would meet folks on the bus, at the store, and he didn’t care what kind of complicated trouble they were in; he judged people on their heart and their character, not on their worldly belongings. He was the kind of guy who would still pick up hitch hikers, because hey they were having a rough day – with no regard for his own safety, he would help out someone in need.

The recurring theme here is of my Dad with a servant’s heart. Whether expressing his love in warmth or compassion his actions were ALWAYS surrounded in servant hood. He would drop whatever he was doing to help another in need. The stories that I’ve shared of my Dad putting other’s first was the tip of the iceberg. I am confident that if we polled everyone in here we would hear story after story of how my Dad helped them in some way. Dad was always giving out of his heart even when he didn’t have much to give materially. He was generous with his time, always willing to help, never willing to take anything in return. When I reflect back on my Dad’s life I see a man who may have struggled a bit, but still a man with Godly character. If my Dad had a life verse, it would be:

Matthew 25:40 “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me”

I love my Dad, I miss my Dad; I can’t believe I have to say good bye to him … for now.

In spite of all these wonderful stories my Dad had his struggles, life wasn’t always easy for him … but when I think of my Dad and the legacy he left it is the attributes mentioned today that will reach far into his family for generations to come.

***
And because some were asking - we miscarried on January 10, 2011. Another IVF is not in our future. I will share more of our next steps when we've had more time to process them, but as of now our best "medical" chance at a biological baby is behind us.

Loss: my Dad died ... .and another miscarriage.

2011-01-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

The night following the transfer I was bed-resting on an Amtrak train in the middle of Nevada on my way home from Colorado, when at 2AM my brother called me in a panic asking me what sort of measures he should take with my Dad in the emergency room.

What I have withheld from you for the last five months is that my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in August of this year. It was such heartbreaking news. I knew what it meant, my Dad, however, was much more optimistic about his illness. He didn't want me blogging about it because he didn't tell his family until just recently and a few of them follow my blog. So I couldn't share anything on here - which was hard. These last five months my Dad endured bi-weekly chemo treatments, moved in with us, quitting smoking, lost 50 lbs easy (and he was only 150 to start), stopped eating, slowed down quite a bit ... but that didn't stop his spirit. Two days prior to going into the ER he baked 12 dozen Christmas cookies. My Dad was a very functional dying man.

Back to that night, December 22nd. My brother and my Dad were in town, because my brother was taking care of my Dad while we were in Denver cycling. Late that night my Dad attempted to swallow one of his morph.ine pills with some water and instead slipped and choked on the water and the pill - they went right into his lungs. Almost immediately he started with shortness of breath - and he was frightened. My brother called 911, the Fire Department and an ambulance was dispatched and he was taken to the local hospital. Upon arrival the ER docs were grilling my brother on whether or not they should treat my terminal father (most stage 4 cancer patients have DNR - do not resuscitate - directions) they gave my father an hour to live, so he had 10 minutes to make up his mind about treatment - so my brother called me, as I was my father's durable power of attorney and we had discussed and signed his advanced directive ... I knew all of my father's wishes so I immediately told my brother to resuscitate, resuscitate!!! There I was woken at 2AM, trying to stay calm and receptive for these embryos - all the while stressing out about not being able to see my Dad before he died. I was going through scenarios of getting off the train in Reno or Sacramento and flying home to be able to say good bye ... even when I was on the train because I can't fly due to the stress it causes me and these little embryos. Thankfully by 5AM, before the next train stop, my Dad was put on a Bi-PAP and given antibiotics and his diagnosis of aspiration pneumonia was already looking better - according to the x-rays they had run.

I made it home and to the hospital by 8PM on 12/22. I found my Dad admitted to the ICU, hooked up to the Bi-PAP (a partial ventilator) and a glucose/saline IV, very weak, unable to breath on his own, unable to speak, and sleeping. I didn't realize the end was coming. You see this "incident" occurred 7 days after his most recent chemo treatment and most times he hit his physical low 7-10 days following chemo - so we all thought this was a set back for him and not the end. It wasn't until the late evening of the 23rd that I realized that we'd be spending Christmas in the hospital. On Christmas eve morning my Dad had graduated from the Bi-PAP and he was breathing room air - something, I found out later, the doctors didn't think would happen again for him. Then we learned that my Dad had blood clots in his legs, he couldn't move his body except for his arms so we had to worry about bed sores and more clots at this point. But his blood was WAY too thin for his condition (having clots, being a cancer patient, being a chemo patient - it didn't make sense) so we couldn't even give him blood thinner to help him, we just had to wait them out, hoping they'd go away ... and the next day, they did. We snuck the kids into the ICU and had them open up gifts from "Grandpa" in front of him - but he was so out of it with pain meds, I'm not sure he'd say he remembered the occasion. We decorated the room with pictures from our family photo shoot in September (right after we learned of his diagnosis, we took pictures to remember him by - I'm so glad we did this). We put up a tree and lights, stockings, garland, and family photo ornaments to decorate a gift wrap cutout tree taped to the wall. The best part was the santa hat placed on my Dad's cute balding head. That man was loved.

By this time it was the weekend, between me, my husband, and my brother, we took turns watching the kids (Dru and Laila our 6 year old niece) while the other two went to the hospital to visit my Dad. I was there in the early mornings to meet with the staff, strategizing about treatment options, then I'd take an afternoon break to relieve someone watching the kids, then I'd be back to the hospital for the dinner and late night timeframe because my Dad was most alert between 10P-2A. He would use that time to write messages to us on a white board or point letters out to us spelling messages - like "I want to eat" and "let me decide". So he had recovered his ability to breath and his blood levels stabilized, but he had gone 5 days without eating. It was time to start eating or time to start dying. The problem was - he had lost his ability to swallow (something we later learned had landed him in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia to begin with). When I asked our new doctor (let's call her Dr. Kavor.kian) about placing a feeding tube - kick starting him back to nutrition she told me she didn't recommend it and suggested it was time to comfort him into death. I knew my Dad was not ready for that - though I asked him EVERY night - "Dad, are you suffering? Is it time? Are you ready to say goodbye? Because we will support whatever you need to do. Always being answered ... no, I want to eat. So the doctor and I did not get along. As an infertility patient, I have learned to be an advocate - and that's what I was for my Dad until the end. That doctor didn't intimidate me. I held my ground and we followed my Dad's direction.

This was how I spent the first week of my two week wait.

Then came Monday and my Dad was determined to pass a swallow test - so that we could stop talking about feeding tubes or dying and he could get back to living. The swallow therapist came for a visit and my Dad, try as he might, could NOT swallow like he used to. He failed the test and his eyes showed so much disappointment. He had gone 6 days without food and I knew that we'd need to use the feeding tube if he had a chance - otherwise, if he wanted to keep trying the swallow test every day - even to fail - at least he felt like he was still fighting - not just waiting for death to come. That night we delayed in placing the Fente.nyl patch - because we wanted to keep my Dad alert the next morning to pass his swallow test. He agreed and endured the pain all night long, just getting boosts of 1 and 2 mg of Mor.phine while he waited for dawn to break. I met the swallow therapist at the hospital that morning and she brought him vanilla yogurt though he didn't look as excited as the day prior. She gave him a teaspoon of yogurt and he resistantly swallowed it. Somehow, on that day, Tuesday 12/28 he passed his swallow test - we were all in shock. And my Dad whom I thought would be beaming from ear to ear just gazed right passed me, as if I didn't exist. Something had changed.

My entire family was there (my mom and my two brothers - my mom and dad divorced in 2000) - I had invited them down to say good bye because I assumed he'd fail the swallow test and we'd place the feeding tube and because it was a procedure with general anesthetic - I thought there was a chance we could lose him during the process. However, he passed the swallow test so we didn't need to worry about the feeding tube. So the four of us sat together in a nearby waiting room discussing policies, paperwork, funeral wishes, etc. While we were meeting, our Pall.iative Care consult team came and visited my Dad and they had a rare opportunity to talk with my Dad without us there. The doctor saw that my Dad was not doing well. She told him that she's seen this before and that he was a dying man. She asked him about his plans to try to swallow things and recuperate from this illness but she thought he looked like he was in a lot of pain and basically she asked him if he was being honest with his family about wanting to hold on versus being ready to let go and he confided in her that he was not being honest with us - my Dad was ready to go. When this doctor told us this, we broke down into tears ... the LAST thing we wanted was to drag this out. We wanted what he wanted! They recommended the mor.phine drip and my Dad wanted it. We were told my Dad had anywhere between 1 and 48 hours (with 48 hours being very generous) this was at 2PM on Tuesday 12/28 (11dpo for our cycle).

There was about 30 minutes between being told he was ready for the drip and having it actually placed and starting to work. After I got a chance to love on my Dad and tell him that we support whatever HE wants - and kissing him and hugging him and crying with him. I was able to call and reach by speaker phone all five of his siblings, his mother, some cousins, and a handful of nieces and nephews who were all able to say their last good byes to my Dad. It was such a precious and beautiful time. I cherish those words, those acknowledging nods my Dad gave, and the tears running down his cheek. I can't imagine what was going on in his mind. And because he couldn't talk, I'll never really know. But I hope he was glad to have some closure with his family.

For the next 9 hours we sat around my Dad, playing music he enjoys, singing to him, talking to him, kissing him, hugging him, keeping him warm, crying with him. It was beautiful. My favorite part was being able to tell him that I had so much peace about his departure - that we had left nothing unsaid. My Dad and I had the best relationship. He wasn't the greatest Dad from 0 to 18, but he really turned things around and made up for it from 18-33. I couldn't have asked for more. My Dad and I were close, we forgave each other, we were and are kindred spirits. My Dad was such a good man. The things that people kept repeating about him were that he was their favorite ______ (fill in the blank) uncle/cousin/son/etc. and that he would drop everything to help someone in need. He had that giving servant's heart.

I went home to sleep around 10:30 that night, I was very reluctant ... but we knew that I had 3 embryos cooking inside of me and I needed to protect them - it's what my Dad would have wanted for sure. And so I left. At 5:15AM I woke up and looked at the clock, I wondered if my Dad was still alive. My brother called and woke us at 5:19 and told us that Dad's breathing had dropped off ... by the time we got to the hospital at 5:40, he was gone. My brother was there with him, holding him, kissing him, affirming him as a Dad and as a person. It couldn't have been any better. Yes, I would have liked to have been there - but that wasn't meant to be. My brother will forever have that time and that moment and for that I'm grateful.

Barrie Eugene Wadman
August 11, 1941 to December 29, 2010
May you rest in peace

That day my brother, my husband, and I went to my Dad's house to find the important paperwork. Amazingly we found everything we needed - the burial policy and a good amount of the pink slips to his vehicles. I found his living will and learned that he had never submitted the paperwork to make me the Executor nor the beneficiary (which is fine, there's nothing really to benefit). I spoke with his attorney and learned that because my Dad liquidated two years ago - there's really nothing to do except tell his landlord, stop his accounts, and follow through on the burial and memorial service arrangements. There will be no probate process. That and the fact that I'm not the executor makes my life a lot less crazy, so I'm glad for that.

The next morning was 10dp3dt and our time to pee on a stick. Since 6dp3dt I had been peeing on sticks and putting them away without looking at them. I wanted to know if my trigger ever left but I didn't want the emotional roller coaster of seeing BFN's prior to a hopeful BFP ... especially given all we were going through. So the morning following my Dad's death we looked. And the stick was VERY positive. I looked back at all the other sticks and the second line was there the whole time - the trigger never left. We were both subtly excited. The excitement was hard to share with the events of the previous day.

I went in for a 11dp3dt beta (on 12/31) and learned that it was 67. They wanted it above 50, so it was fine, it's just that Dru was 108 and I got a BFN at 7dp3dt with his cycle. So things weren't adding up. Then I went through beta limbo:

11dp3dt: 67
14dp3dt: 114
16dp3dt: 129 (today)

So I'm waiting on a call from CCRM. I'm pretty sure they'll instruct me to stop all medication and wait for AF.

I'm numb. I'm back at work and I'm overwhelmed.

I picked up my Dad's remains today (he wanted to be cremated). We're shooting for a service on 1/23 and 1/29 - one is out of state for his family. We'll see.

So now it's back to the drawing board, with my heart broken wide open.

CCRM Cycle #2 - Day 3 Transfer

2010-12-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that we transferred three beautiful embryos this morning!

9-cell, grade 4-
8-cell, grade 4-
8-cell, grade 4-

And according to Dr. Gustofsen these embryos are the same or better quality than the BEST embryo we put in to get Dru!

The better news is that the remaining 6 embryos had the following ratings:
6-cell, grade 3+
6-cell, grade 3+
5-cell, grade 3+
4-cell, grade 3+
4-cell, grade 3+
4-cell, grade 3+

So although they aren't great, they are MUCH better than last cycle. Last cycle we transferred a 6-cell grade 3+ as one of our best embryos. And the remainder of the embryos were 2 and 4 cell with 50% fragmentation (those listed above have 15%).

The embryologist told us that all 6 are in contention for surviving to day 5 or 6 for freeze. She said she's seen 4 cell embryos make it. Last time, more than 1/2 of the ones we didn't transfer had arrested by day 3, then the rest by day 4.

I'm go grateful for such great results.

I'll tell our transfer day story in another post.

Thank you for all your prayers and support,
Polly

CCRM Cycle #2 - Fertilization Report

2010-12-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that yesterday Dr. Gustofson retrieved 19 eggs! I had 7+ measurable follies at AFC, and no more than 15 on trigger day, they were happily surprised to find 19 eggs in there. My E2 level on trigger day was 2600, when in the last cycle it was 3100, so I'm not entirely surprised with the following fert report.

Today's fertilization report is nearly in line with our last cycle:
10 mature
9 fertilized with ICSI

They will call us on Monday to let us know if we're doing a day 3 or a day 5 transfer - I'm thinking it'll be day 3. The embryologist, Kim, told me that they'd need 4-5 well maturing embryos on day 3 to push to day 5.

The recovery this time is SO EASY. For the most part my biggest complaint is light headedness (very mild) so can I even complain about that? I have had no bleeding/spotting and very minimal cramping.

Stay tuned for Monday ...

CCRM Cycle #2 - Update

2010-12-13T15:21:00.000-08:00

On Saturday CCRM gave us the free pass for appointments on Sunday, so my MIL, FIL, and DH took off for the slopes. Dru and I had a relaxing day back at the homestead - it was nice. Turns out Cop.per Moun.tain was 28 degrees at the base and who knows what ungodly temperature at the top ... so I am SO grateful that my bovaries prohibited me from skiing.

I got a chance to visit my dear bloggy friend and her two miracles - I have to pinch myself that we have children. She too has elevated FSH prior to 40, but both of her pregnancies were done without medical intervention - true miracles! While we were there Dru, for the first time, told me what sound cow's make ... he didn't get the "oooh", part but he gave the "mmmmm" sound ... pretty stinkin' cute. And he's really stacking blocks now, like multiple blocks on top of each other - he has quite an attention span for it. He's run into a few new play toys here - including a wind up toy that has him enamored and a handful of larger push cars - he's even making a vroom sound! He's perfecting his ball playing skilz as he passes different balls back and forth to Nana. He is adorable.

We went in for our ultrasound and bloodwork this morning and saw about 9-14 follies developing between the two ovaries, with the largest being 20.5mm. I still don't have my Lupron trigger (as I trigger with HCG+Lupron) so I asked about getting that. Also, I had enough meds to get me through today (Monday) and I figured that would be fine - except that if I need more Menopur tomorrow, I'll need to buy that from CCRM because if Free.dom Phar.macy shipped it tonight, it wouldn't arrive until noon on Tuesday - too late for my shot timing.

When my nurse called today (who, by the way, just got back from a week in Bar.bados! Rough life!) she gave me my E2 levels and suggested that there is a chance they might push to trigger on Wednesday, leaving the ER for Friday. She said that if they do that, that might leave too much room for my E2 to rise - so they might give me a Lupron only trigger (to help avoid OHSS) or they might give me Lupron plus a 1/2 an HCG trigger, or ... she warned me that we might need to do a freeze all. She indicated that the criteria was an E2 in the 4500-5500 range. Given that I'm at 1600 today, I think I'll be ok. She also had me take my Cetrotide at 4P (rather than at 9:15P like I usually do) and she asked that I take another Cetrotide tomorrow morning before my 7:30A appointment. She indicated that it will give me an additional suppression shot while we wait to see what the trigger timing will be ... all in an effort to extend the time I'm stimming, hoping my blood levels don't go too high.

We'll see. More to come tomorrow ...

Enjoying Denver

2010-12-11T21:14:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's a big rib bone he's gnawing on :-)

We're all in Denver now - me, Berilac, Dru, MIL and FIL. We again are staying at the same great place we stayed last cycle. We have some generous friends and for that we are so grateful. Last night, when everyone finally arrived, we went out to dinner at TG.I Fr.iday's and Dru had his first baby back rib - I guess it's confirmed, our egg and sperm were not swapped out last April in the lab ... yep, he's ours!

This trip has been generally unremarkable. We've spent the majority of our time working remotely and watching Dru push all sorts of fun toys around. Though today at the Den.ver Chil.dren's museum he took 3 steps - he's well on his way to walking! I think he'll be walking before his first birthday next week and before we return home.

In between the shots, the work, chasing the wee-one, Berilac and I are trying to sneak away at each opportunity we get - to enjoy each other and enjoy being a couple. This process is so draining - we need to pour into our relationship. The best thing we can do while waiting for a child is to build a strong family to bring him/her into. And I'll say that now that a child has entered the picture - nurturing the relationship has become something we need to purposefully care for.

While we're here, I'm hoping to spend some time with IRL friends and a lovely bloggy friend I have in the area - and I can't wait! I also plan on taking Dru to Mon.key buz.iness while the rest of the family hits the slopes.

This evening, we were able to have dinner with some relatives ... but because there were 5 of us squeezed into the car on the way there, Dru didn't take his 2nd nap of the day (which he usually does at home in the crib, but when out, he'll sleep in his carseat no problem!) Well, today we learned that he won't nap with a couple of too-fun people crowding his back seat! When we got to our aunt and uncle's house Dru hadn't slept for 5 hours - something he NEVER does so he was screaming (again, something he NEVER does) so poor Berilac took him out in the car/carseat in order to give him the break he needed to settle down for a quick nap - he was able to catch 45 mins of zzzz's to resume the evening with the family. Though, coming home after 8P wasn't much better - I was hoping that he'd fall asleep quickly because it was so dark and he was so tired from a full day of fun ... but no such luck. He FINALLY fell asleep 2 minutes prior to arriving home. But our star sleeper did fall right back to sleep when we took him in and put him immediately down. Note to self - take 2 cars next time!

As far as the cycle goes, it seems to be tracking just a bit behind the last cycle ... in terms of follie sizes/counts and hormone levels. At least it did after the first appointment here on Thursday. Then I had Friday off from intimate ultrasounds. Today's appointment revealed a pretty good count - maybe 4 equal size follies on the left, plus more smaller ones that likely won't catch up, and 6-7 equal size follies on the right, plus more smaller ones there too. When they called to give me my cycle instructions they told me to maintain my meds: 150iu Menopur in the morning, 300iu Follistim at night, I started Cetrotide on Thursday night ... 2 nights earlier than the protocol anticipated - which is exactly like last time. If everything stays on par with last cycle (or there abouts) I guess we'll be doing the retrieval on Thursday. We'll see ...

There are many thoughts going around inside my head about this cycle. I swing from being just completely grateful for Dru and feeling content about whatever the outcome. To being worried that Dru might not have a sibling. To being stressed out that we took all this time - away from work, from our parents, from the folks we're staying with - and all this money (need I identify just how much an IVF cycle is at CCRM? Think - the cost of a car! ... and not a sedan!) only to feel like it was a big waste. What I do know is that there's nothing I can do to make this cycle successful or not. I am not in control. So I'm trying to get prepared to just accept the outcome -whatever it may be.

Life is flying by so quickly that Berilac and I keep asking each other - can you believe we are in Denver, cycling again? It seems unreal.

I hope all this time, effort, energy, money ... isn't spent in vein. Lord we humbly continue to ask for the blessing of children.

IVF #2 in full force

2010-12-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

I remember waiting to conceive Dru ... and I remember seeing fellow infertiles "lap" me by starting their second round of treatments after they've already had their first child ... and I sat with empty arms ... my heart was broken. First I want to say that if that is you, and you are reading this, know that if I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug I would. The pain of infertility and loss is incredible and for that I am so sorry.

But here we are, almost 12 months after having Dru and neck deep in our second CCRM cycle (the first one was successful in 4/09, resulting in our son in 12/09). I started my period on 12/1 and went in for a local monitoring appointment on CD2 (12/2) to learn that my endometrial lining is thick 8mm (likely due to the estrogen priming piece of the protocol - though this didn't happen last time - if you review my posts back in 4/09 you'd see). So Dr. Schoolcraft asked that I wait until CD4 to start stims.

As far as protocol goes, mine is: EPP/Antagonist, same as last time. I watched for LH surge with OPK's, then 10 days later started Estrodial pills 2mg/twice daily, 11 days after surge I started .25mg Cetrotide (as there's a national shortage for Ganirelix!), I only took 2 doses (when I supposed to take 3) because AF arrived a day earlier than expected (and I took Endometrin twice daily starting 3 days post ovulation - but obviously that didn't help).

I started 2 75iu amps of Menopur in the morning and 300iu/Follistim at night, starting on Saturday 12/4. Today will be my fourth day of stims and my first local monitoring appointment. My lining was 9mm and triple stripe. My right ovary was showing 5 follies at about 8mm and my left ovary was showing 2 follies at about 10. There were a few more on either one, but the RE did not measure them. I feel like last time I had 15 follies and this time I have 7 ... but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and get disappointed ... easier said than done.

If you think to pray for us, please do. We would really love a sibling for our precious Dru. We fly to Denver tonight -Dru, me, and my MIL. Berilac will be joining us on Thursday night.

Here we go again!

Please do keep us in your prayers,
Polly

And I thought the first smile was heart melting ...

2010-11-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

I remember early on impatiently anticipating Dru's first smile. It came at seven weeks and I was beside myself with a serious level of giddy!

The first, "Mama," came at eight months and was also heart warming - amazingly so.

But this, this takes the cake.

Dru is now leaning into my arms, clinging to me, and resting his head on my shoulder while sucking his thumb with one hand and twisting my hair with the other - he's giving me a hug and a cuddle - and I am entirely a puddle on the floor. (The above picture was the best we could get - but doesn't nearly capture the sweetness.)

It happened for the first time tonight during our bedtime routine. I'll admit that I extended out the process to steal as much cuddle as I could get - I hear this phase doesn't last nearly long enough - so I'm going to bask.

We are so incredibly fortunate.

More updates - Dru and CCRM

2010-10-24T23:37:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how quickly the time is flying by. I feel like I'm on the autobahn compared to how slowly life drudged on when we were in the midst of struggling with infertility.

Just a couple of updates ...

He is NON STOP. I put him down and he's crawling over here, climbing up that, cruising faster than I can keep up. He loves his push toy and walking with mama and dada's help.

Thanks to months and months of baby signs, Dru can use a couple of signs pretty well. His favorite sign to give is "milk" (though I think he really wants water when he gives this sign ... but we've shown him the sign for water but he must like the milk one better??), his first sign was "all done" and he says "duh" when he gives this sign, I enjoy when he gives that sign when not eating ... but instead when he's been on the changing table too long ... "all done mama!" ... I don't think so dirty buns! And we think he's starting the "more" sign though he doesn't get his finger tips to touch and he looks more like he's prepping to cross his hands ... starting to pray early, I guess? So pious ;-)

And he seems to have a couple of words, his favorites are "dat" which after mommy and daddy translation means "what's that?" ... as he's pointing at something like a light fixture, a mirror, pots and pans - he's really starting to become aware of his surroundings. His other word is "Pa" which is his attempt at "up" (the pa is mimicing the p sound in up!) this word is usually used while desperately clinging to mommy's leg while she's trying to cook dinner and poor thing, he's grabbing onto the *back* of mommy's legs, so it's hard to pick him up. Each time I try to turn around, he continues to cling to my pants and follows my legs as I turn - entirely behind me and completely out of range of being picked up ... ever so increasing the instructions for "pa, pa, pa!" ... it's pretty stinkin' cute! And he's almost saying ball and bottle using "ba" for both.

We have started using sippy cups, though Dru isn't the biggest fan. Because he knows how to drink out of a cup I think we're going to keep him on bottles while he learns to serve himself a drink out of a cup. Hopefully by 18 months he'll be able to drink from a cup unassisted and he can use sippy's when we're trying to protect the floors and furniture around us.

He's wearing 12-18 month clothes and he's grown out of his 6-12 mo Rob.eez. We just finished up his size 3 diapers - and in just the knick of time, that boy is getting big! When we're done with our case of size 4 diapers I think we'll move to cloth diapers and hopefully start trying to potty train (early I guess?) We'll see.

So, it's been 10 months. I can hardly believe it.

When do most moms start getting asked when they are going to start trying for a sibling?

The questions are just now starting and I'm not sure if it's early, late, or what? Given our history, these types of questions still sting a bit. And sometimes I tell people the honest truth - I would be very happy with just one child, though for Dru's sake, I'd really like to have another. We started trying as soon as we were cleared for business, way back in January at my 6 wk PP appointment. I was breastfeeding and pumping like a maniac until late June and AF resumed in late August. We've been trying for a few months now with no success.

Two weeks ago I flew to Denver for my one day work-up at CCRM. It was good to see Schooly again. He was, of course, charming as ever ;-) We ran through all the tests again and found these results:

FSH: 7.1

E2: normal!

AFC: 14

AMH: 1.9

We asked Dr. Schoolcraft if we could hold off on cycling for another 6-12 months, for family reasons, but he cautioned against waiting longer than 3 months. So we're inches away from starting a December cycle. I can't believe we're going to do IVF again, get back up on that horse. It was a nice break while it lasted.

I think Berilac and I are on the same page, and that is ... if this cycle doesn't work, we're not sure we'll go through another IVF. It just requires so much. I'm not sure what we'd do, but repeated IVF in Colorado just doesn't sound appealing ... when did it ever?

I'm expected to start AF in a few days, then I wait for my LH surge and sound the alarm. We may just be getting a white Christmas this year ;-)

More Milestones

2010-09-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update, for posterity really.

Drudoc is non-stop active. I was just telling some folks how he's flipping over on the changing table every chance he gets - and he's heavy too, so it's no easy task to flip that puppy back over! We tell him "no" but he's not too excited about this limitation.

He is, however, finally understanding our firm "no's" around playing with the fireplace (don't worry, it's never lit!) the other day he crawled right up to it, looked over at me, I said "No, Dru" and he crawled away ... success!

Dru is almost 9 months - just a few more days now - and right after he turned 8 months he started saying: "Mamamamama ..." Now, it's not associated to me, or anyone for that matter. Matter of fact it's easily interchangeable with "Babababa ..." (though I think he uses that when he's looking down the barrel of his bottle) and a couple of "Gagaga's" thrown in there. I've been working on Mama for 8 months and he's finally said it! On the other hand Berilac has not been working with Dru on "Dadada" but what do you know? ... Two days after uttering "Mama" ... he starts in with "Dada" ... TWO DAYS!

His manual dexterity took a leap earlier this week with not only waving, but pointing! I love when he waves at random people getting into their car (across the street, where ever) when we are outside on a walk or hanging out. He's so salutational.

And yesterday our wonderful nanny texted me this image:

Dru is eating a ton of foods, all in solid form. He enjoys: cheese, chicken, avocado, kefir, sweet potato, plums, peaches, pears, nectarines, carrots, apples, bell peppers, zucchini, banana, squash, kiwi, melons - of all kinds, green beans (ok, he doesn't like those), and a slew of other things. He's eating four 8 ounce bottles a day and 4 meals. Thrown in one of the formula bottles is 6 oz. of breastmilk, stuff we put in the deep freeze during the 6 months we were breast feeding.

Can you guess what he's eating for the first time in the picture above? It's beets! Is eating beets for the first time considered a milestone? If you ask my husband, who's never had beets ( ... ok, never have wanted to have beets) then the answer is yes.

Crawling

2010-08-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago Dru started crawling backwards, last weekend, we captured this on camera ....

... and now the bugger has become more coordinated and is into everything! But his new favorite thing to do is cruise and walk around holding onto our hands - an exhausting labor of love. Watch out world - here comes Dru!

At least it makes a great story

2010-08-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

Of course I was intimidated taking the little one camping for the first time - who wouldn't be? In light of that I reserved a campsite only about 45 minutes from home (effectively, an emergency eject button) .

Berilac and I are notoriously bad at planning vacations in advance, but he and I were backpackers back in the day and I knew I wanted to at least go car camping with Dru (an ever so gentle warm up to rugged backpacking - this should be easy). Back in May we booked a drive-in campsite in early August with a 7 month old. - we thought, a warm, summer camping trip ... seems reasonable, doesn't it?

We planned to leave our house around noon last Friday, but I knew it would end up being more like 2P. On our way to the campsite, we needed to stop by our friends house to pick up from them the Kel.ty baby backpack we'd purchased from them. Yes we were going car camping, so we didn't really need the pack for this trip ... but what better way to break it in? A little after 5PM we finally found ourselves pulling out of the driveway, only to return 5 minutes later as Berilac had forgotten our temp.ur.pedic pillows (yes, we're snobs) and our hot cocoa. (I need to mention here that we all had our packing responsibilities: Berilac - camping gear, Polly - food/clothes, Nanny - Dru's supplies ... trust me, it's relevant.) Because we had to stop to pick up the backpack (which, as we didn't know, was out of the way) we found ourselves winding down the last road to the campsite when Berilac lets out a gasp! .... 'You're not going to believe this - I forgot the sleeping bags!'

I was a little shocked and disturbed, my immediate thought was 'turn this puppy around!' (after all we were 30 mins to Dru's bedtime and he hadn't had his last bottle, his dinner, nor had we set up shelter. But when we discussed making due with our 18 inch air mattress (to keep us off the cold hard ground,) our snobby pillows, the two blankets we'd packed, and of course the clever trick of wearing all our clothes in a layered fashion ... I was more convinced we might survive a 40 degree overnight low and I begrudgingly cooperated.

The night exploded when we arrived. I had to pee, but I couldn't because Dru was STARVING, as I was trying to feed Dru his bottle and solids ... carefully ... in the back of our newer Sub.a.ru ... in his brand new convertible Ra.dian carseast Berilac was wrestling, on the hard ground, with our new tent and air mattress. He brought an extension cord and an AC/DC converter in order to plug it into the idling car, but the mattress only inflated for 2 seconds before something POPPED (either the power converter fuse or the mattress motor - not the actual mattress, luckily) ... the sound was loud, we were disoriented - what was going on? At this point, I still had to pee, Dru was finished messily eating and was starting to squeal in excitement as he'd never been up this late ... I was ready to call it a day and pack it in ... after all, that's why I booked a site so close to home, right? But Berilac wanted to keep on keepin' on. He suggested we sleep on the hard ground, with only two blankets for us to share ... and of course, our pillows ... which upon further investigation ... were not in the car ... turned out we forgot those too ... yes, even after returning to our house once because we realized we had forgotten them the first time. Ouch. In spite of my better judgement, being without mattress/ground-cushion, a warm sleeping bag, or pillows ... I caved ... but not without a fight.

Our power source for our mattress wasn't working, light was fading, and Berilac was starting to manually blow up a Costco-sized air mattress ... chivalrous but not practical. While he was getting dizzy, I hoisted my ornery little boy high on my hip and tried to look as young and dumb as possible (not so difficult, I'll admit) I quickly approached the next campsite and asked if anyone could loan us one of those portable battery operated mattress pumps, the lady responded with 'sure, for $100' ... luckily, she was just kidding. The pitiful young mom bit paid off, I was soon walking back to our campsite with our solution to a tolerable night's sleep.

I still needed to pee but Dru was getting nearly unbearable (I think it was nearing 8:30, 1 1/2 hours past his strict bedtime.) It was time to make progress toward putting Dru to bed, we started layer our clothes when we realized that I didn't bring a sweatshirt for Berilac to wear (whoopsy!) ... did I mention a 40 degree overnight low and NO sleeping bags? Nice. So we layered on what clothes we had, set up the blankets, tried balancing the motor to pump the mattress quietly while Dru would attempt to fall asleep in the tent, you know - white noise and all. Now, Dru took to the outdoors, but he didn't take to being left alone in a strange tent in the middle of who knows where ... the minute I laid him down in his PNP he.started.screaming. So we couldn't proceed with that tactic. I wasn't sure what to do because he goes to sleep so easily at all his naps and bedtimes at home ... I was revisiting my thought of 'what the heck are we still doing here?' when I got the brilliant idea to give him a 1/2 bottle of milk and lay him on his back in his PNP to feed himself (he loves this) ... I slipped out of the tent and Dru was on his way to dreamland.

As we were SILENTLY preparing our dinner ... enter: the loud campsite neighbor who we'd borrowed the mattress pump from ... who LOUDLY asked us if he could have his pump back - we hurried him away from the tent and told him we weren't done with it yet, he was a little anxious as he still hadn't filled his own mattress yet. When he left Berilac and I listened for the pump ... but we couldn't hear a thing. Oh crap. We ran this guy's battery out, he still needs it, there's not a replacement battery for miles, and he's going to want $100 to replace it ... and he might even get belligerent without a cushion under him on this hard ground. I was really stressing out at this point ... and yes, still needing to go pee.

After gaining our courage, we sent Berilac into the tent to retrieve the pump and the wallet ... we learned that the motor had turned itself off and still had battery ... WHEW!!! (No $100 ransom and potential ruckus with the generous neighbor pump guy). But even that didn't cushion the blow of the next few minutes ... the mattress was completely EMPTY. Just like I needed my bladder to be. (I won't go into the details, but it was late and seemingly dangerous to be wandering the park on my own and thus I urinated in our campsite - classy.) It was at this point that DH tried to encourage me 'honey, try not to get too frustrated, I promise you this will make a great story later'

Berilac unremarkably returned the pump and we were able to climb into the tent, onto our cold, hard bed, in hopes that if we spent more time in the vertical position the more sleep we might actually get - sheesh - wishful thinking. We cuddled up with one blanket below us, one above us, and a receiving blanket each to use as makeshift pillows ... where's Mac.Guyver when we need him?

And after:

ENDLESSLY tossing and turning in order to re invoke the blood flow to my shoulders and hips
12AM: inserting hand warmers into my socks (forgot I had these in the diaper bag - for battling Mastitis - go figure!)
1 AM: placing towels over Dru's PNP to keep out the COLDER than 40 degree weather!
2 AM: stealing all of my son's clean diapers to stack under my "ground blanket" in hopes of providing a bit of cushion (hey, at least the Nanny held up her end of the deal - the only one of us who didn't forget to pack SOMETHING!)
3 AM: being painfully aware of the overnight low temperature and worrying about DS.
4 AM: a near confrontation with what we think were some frightening R.O.U.S's

... somewhere I squeezed in 1 1/2 hours of sleep and was singing the Lord's praises come 6AM when Dru started stirring. Now at home, I would let DS fiddle-faddle away in his crib until 7AM (the timing of his breakfast bottle) or sooner if he started crying, but I tell you at that first sign of movement - I swooped!

I announced that I could handle this no more and needed to head home to get back to my temp.ur.pedic bed (and missing pillows). But of course, not before we woke the ENTIRE campgrounds with DS's portable SIDS monitor alarming because I had dislodged it while excitedly pulling him from his PNP for his morning bottle ... as if the screeching and crescendo-ing siren wasn't enough a screaming baby had to jolt nearby sleepers from their deep (and likely air mattress cushioned) sleep. But I'm not bitter.

... we squeezed in a cup of warm soup and a walk before we headed out. And no, we didn't get to use the Kel.ty that perpetuated our late arrival ... but we didn't head out of there empty handed, heck, we now we have this lovely story to recant.

So yes it might not have been the best idea to take a 7 month old on a camping trip (people told me at this age, crawling in the dirt is NO fun!) ... but not because he didn't behave, sleep, or nap well ... it was because there is a reason for the "camping supply" isles at stores ... it's because SUPPLIES ARE NEEDED FOR THIS SORT OF THING!

And now a couple more pictures for enduring that long (but mildly entertaining) story:

*Special thanks to Jeny for suggesting we bring a warm fleece hat for little one for the cold mornings, or in our case - the cold ALL.NIGHT.LONG's!

Infertility still hurts

2010-07-18T02:42:00.000-07:00

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm not asleep ... insomnia, not the baby. He sleeps like ... well, a baby.

I've been going through my google reader and just catching up on some blogs. And I run into friends that have struggled with infertility for years, still brokenhearted ... gaping holes in their hearts, palpable pain. They are no longer on FF or are no longer blogging, many have turned their blogs private and I'm unsure if asking to be invited only pains them more.

I miss these women. My heart aches for these women.

Although we've won the battle. The shrapnel of infertility is still buried deep. I feel like I've left my fellow soldiers in the trenches and it pains me deeply.

Can anybody relate?

6th month pictures

2010-06-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

It's easy to see why I'm so in love with this kid ...

He gets these cheeks from his daddy :)

The family photo:

I still pinch myself.

Operation "DINNER OUT"

2010-06-10T10:20:00.001-07:00

Ok, I have to post SOMETHING.

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Things are going great and I thought I should at least share that.

I keep delaying posting because I feel like I have to catch up ... well, with working full time, being a mom, a wife, keeping the house clean, keeping up on dishes, laundry, bills, trying to eat right, get sleep, exercise, still have time for friends, family, and my relationship with the Lord ... let's just say: it's a bit overwhelming ;-)

I can't believe Drudoc is nearly 6 months old.

The short of it:

We are still exclusively breastfeeding.

He's sleeping through the night 7P to 7A.

He's taking 3 naps a day.

We did Babywise and are very happy with it.

He's in the 90% for height (Berilac is 6'3")

He's in the 75% for weight

He's got a normal size noggin.

He can still squeeze into his 6 month attire but according to his size he should be wearing 9-12 month clothes.

He's in size 3 diapers.

He's nearly grown out of his infant carrier car seat ... we NEED NEED NEED to get those convertible car seats!

We haven't started solids with him yet and won't until he's showing signs that he's ready.

He eats about 40 oz. a day, over 5 feeds. (1 breastfeeding session, 4 bottles of expressed breast milk)

We are going to wean early to TTC#2, because we knew about this we pumped and stashed breast milk since day one. Right now we have over 1,000 oz. of breast milk in the deep freezer.

I returned back to work at the beginning of May when he was 4+ months old.

He's in a top notch daycare facility, but we have been looking for a nanny for months.

He started rolling over from front to back at 4 months, he started rolling over from back to front at 5 months.

He started sitting up assisted at 5 months, he started sitting up unassisted at 5 1/2 months.

He's been coo'ing and "talking" since 3 months. He started squealing like a pterodactyl since 4 months.

He smiles & laughs ALL.THE.TIME

He's starting to lift his arms up to signal that he wants to be held.

He's always trying to sit up out of his bouncy, exersaucer, swing, car seat, etc.

He cut his first gum (bottom right) two days ago!

DH and I have been going out on dates without him since 3 weeks - not regularly because we don't have family in the area, but we try to keep the marriage fresh ;-)

Some of Drudoc's favorites are: kicking his feet, assisted bouncing on his legs, and practicing standing; the songs "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly" & "five little monkeys jumping on the bed", the book "On the night you were born", his melissa and doug wooden key ring set, his lamaze butterfly, those darn plastic interlocking rings, an empty disposable tin casserole dish he can bang.

He is the light of my life.

I'll leave you with a picture of us having dinner the other night (hence the name of the post!). This was our first family dinner out. It was a few weeks ago, we walked downtown to a nice Thai restaurant and had dinner sitting outside. You can see that little one is nearly ready to take breast milk or water out of a regular cup! Sometimes he tries to drink the bathwater with the plastic cup I give as a toy ... you gotta keep your eye on this one.

And yes ... he looks just like his mama.

RSV and our NICU stay

2010-02-19T00:15:00.001-08:00

I am so happy to report that our little one is doing fine, but we did have a stay in the Stan.ford NICU this week.

Last Thursday I noticed Drudoc coughed when I picked him up out of his crib. I didn't think much of it until the coughs kept coming. By Friday afternoon we found ourselves in the Pediatric urgent care. The attending doctor said that he did not have whooping cough nor pneumonia but just a cold. She indicated that it should last 7 days with it peaking its worst by day 3 or 4. She said we could take him up north for the weekend and that she wasn't going to give us a nebulizer, she thought he'd be just fine.

Saturday morning came and we were supposed to head to Sonoma County, but just as I was loading him into his car seat he vomited all over himself, me, and the carseat. I decided that this little boy needed to be home to have the best chance of overcoming this cold. So Berilac went ahead without us.

Saturday evening I called Berilac and asked him to drive home (an hour and a half drive) because poor little Drudoc had been coughing without stopping for nearly 30 minutes. I couldn't find a comfortable position for him ... he was starting to vomit up every other meal and coughing is what was triggering that. I needed to help him stay upright in order NOT to gag and vomit his food ... but he's so heavy, I couldn't see myself holding him upright all night long.

Sunday things seemed to stay the same, along with Monday during the day.

But by Monday late night/early morning I noticed that Drudoc was laboring to breath. His respiratory rate was 65-75. The on-call nurse asked us to bring him in immediately. We took him to Pediatric urgent care, when we arrived they took his oxygen levels and his sat level was between low 80's to low 90's. The attending Pediatrician told us that they would need to admit him to the NICU. They took a nose swab because Stan.ford NICU was not currently taking flu infected infants. We waited in an observation room with poor little Drudoc getting oxygen and trying to breath through his incredible congestion. My heart was breaking as I'd never seen Drudoc cry so much ... he really didn't like the cannula or the oxygen monitor at all. When the swab results came back negative (for RSV or flu) they sent an ambulance to transport us to the hospital.

We arrived to the NICU on Tuesday morning before noon. Nurse Lilly encouraged us to get some lunch while she took samples for some tests they needed to take - a couple of blood tests and a few swabs, as well as an X-Ray. Berilac and I went down to the hospital cafeteria and I sobbed through my turkey burger. The nurses and Berilac were trying to encourage me that I didn't do anything to cause this, but I wasn't concerned about being a bad mom or doing something wrong - I am very confident in how much precaution I take with the safety of my son - rather, I was crying because I was scared I was going to lose my son. When you've lost 4 babies ... you more easily find the possibility of losing another.

When we were back from lunch the blood results had come back and they were all normal. Drudoc was hydrated and didn't need an IV, nor did he have an infection - so he didn't need antibiotics. The swabs came back negative for flu A and flu B as well as for the H1N1 ... but it came back positive for RSV. Evidently, the original swab was not as specific as the NICU swab. Now the staff knew that their role in our case was just to support him as he recovered from the virus ... "time is the tincture" was their saying. They really only needed to suction his mucus (nearly every other hour) and provide him a low level of oxygen. They told us that compared to the many cases they see in their level 1 NICU, Drudoc's was a mild case. Severe enough to be hospitalized, but mild compared to most they've seen.

Berilac and I spent the evening there - we left around 12:30A that night. We went home and tried to get some rest. The staff kept encouraging us to take advantage of this time, with our son being under some amazing care.

The next morning, I thought I felt a sore throat upon waking up. I headed down to the hospital to breastfeed Drudoc, while I was there, I mentioned my possible sore throat and the staff asked me not to come back if I think it was a real sore throat (and not just a dry throat from sleeping with my mouth open). I went home and took a nap. To be safe, Berilac headed to the hospital without me that evening after work to care for and feed our little one (all the while I was pumping and providing my breastmilk for Drudoc to consume) ... my heart was breaking as I sat at home missing my boys.

This morning, both Berilac and I woke up with sore throats! We called the NICU and they asked us to bring down the milk, but to avoid spending time with Drudoc, so I pumped and headed down. When I arrived I was fortunate enough to catch the doctor after her rounds. She indicated that Drudoc had gone nearly 24 hours without oxygen support and he hadn't needed to be suctioned since last night. She told me I could take home my little one that afternoon.

Even though it was a short stay, and things weren't as dangerous as they could have been, I was so grateful; I went out and bought supplies to make a thank you gift basket for the staff. They took such good care of our little boy, and he's doing so much better thanks to God's healing and their gentle care.

I'm so happy to report that Drudoc arrived home late this afternoon and is now sleeping peacefully in his room. We are sequestering him there until his well baby visit on 2/24. No visitors, lots of handwashing, and lots more prayers.

I'd like to thank all of my friends and family who prayed for us over these past couple of days - we are so grateful for your love and support. And thank you Lord for keeping our little boy safe.

The Birth Story

2010-01-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

We were scheduled for an induction on Friday, December 18th. I arrived being 2 1/2 centimeters dilated, 50% effaced, -1 station, and bag of waters bulging. We so thought that I would go into labor naturally prior to being induced, but I guess that wasn't how our story would unfold ...

Friday, December 18th, 6:00AM
The plan was for us to call in to Labor and Delivery at 6AM and have them tell us what time to come in. We were originally scheduled to arrive at 7:30AM. We called in at 6AM and they had us call back at 8AM, we called at 8 and they wanted us to call back at 10 ... the morning kept on like this as we tried to take cat naps in between calls to see if we should come in. You see, the night before the scheduled induction I had a very hard time sleeping and was lucky if I got 4 hours of sleep ... so each time we were postponed, I tried to take the opportunity for a nap. Many calls and many naps later - we finally checked into L&D at 2PM. We were given room number 1, which was tucked all the way back, against an outside wall ... so we wouldn't have to worry about screams coming in from every side! Directly across the hall from the room was the L&D waiting room.

December 18th, 2:00PM
The first order of business was to sanitize the ENTIRE place. The doula, my mother-in-law (MIL) and Berilac all grabbed wipes and got to cleaning ... it was something to keep us busy for 2 hours while we waited for them to start the Pitocin.

December 18th, 4:00PM
Around 4PM they took blood work and started the Pit drip. I was lucky to be at hospital that induces slowly. My doula told me that if she HAD to be induced at any hospital on the Peninsula then THIS hospital would be the ONLY place she'd get induced.

December 18th, 8:00PM
At about 8PM I started really feeling the contractions. I was planning on having a pain-med free birth (or at least I was trying to) so it was at about this time that I started breathing through the contractions as they came - they were about 90 seconds apart at this point.

December 18th, 10:00PM
It was only a few hours later (with the Pit turned up to help labor along) that the contractions really started to get unbearable. On a trip to the restroom I felt a gush before I could make it to the toilet and it turned out that my bag of waters had broken.

Only 3 people were allowed with me in the labor and delivery room. The two people I definitely wanted in there were my hubby and my doula. I've always dreamed that my mother and my mother in law could also share these moments with us, but given that the hospital only allowed 3 people in the room, and given that family had to travel into the area to be with us ... we decided that only Berilac and the doula would be in the room for delivery and we'd play labor by ear. Well, during this stage of labor my MIL was with us (as she was staying with us from out of state) so she stayed with us ... all the way through the hard stuff.

December 19th, 1:00AM
As I mentioned earlier, when I went in for my 39 week appointment, just 4 days prior to induction, I was 2 1/2 cm dilated, 50% effaced, with bulging waters. When I went into L&D, they didn't check me until I was well into labor ... so I have no idea what my actual stats were when I came in. At 1AM, they finally checked me and I was 6 cm dilated, 80% effaced, and still -1 station - I was so excited to have made that much progress!December 19th, 3:00AM
It was amazing experiencing the contractions ... as they went from tolerable to completely unbearable. With each stage of intensifying pain, I tried to figure out a way to "stay in control" and "stay on top of them" ... and I did SO WELL for about 9 hours. I started by breathing through the contractions, then moved to praying through them, then I switched to thoughts of knowing that my body knew what it was doing and to work with it, from there it morphed into making a sound that kind of sounded like "open" as I tried to envision my cervix opening ... then those mean nurses turned that Pitocin up again ... and all I could do was moan and writhe in inescapable pain. I spent two hours in what my doula thought was transition. I was having very strong back and abdomen contractions that were lasting 90 seconds with 30 second breaks in between. I was sweating, I was shaking, and sadly I was gagging from my pregnancy induced acid reflux ... so those 30 seconds of break I had weren't really too helpful. It was at this point that my doula suggested we take a look and see how far I'd progressed. The doctor came for the internal ... and I was still 6cm dilated and now more than 80% effaced ... but not by much.

I.WAS.DEVISTATED ... I thought for SURE all that work I had done had gotten me somewhere ... but it hadn't.

December 19th, 4:00AM
The doctor offered to break the water in hopes that things would really take off. We decided that I needed to get upright in order to help the dilation process ... the nurses, at the same time, upped the Pitocin and all hell broke loose. The pain was so incredible I wasn't sure how I could survive. Prior to coming into L&D, my plan was to be in the shower during this time to "take the edge off" ... however, the telemetry equipment wasn't working in my room and in being on the Pit, they wouldn't allow me to not be monitored ... and so, I couldn't get into the shower. I labored like this for 45 more minutes, bouncing on the ball, making noises I didn't even know I could make, requiring that MIL hold a fan in my face, while hubby held my hand tightly as the doula provided counterpressure on my back ... our little team was amazing - I can't begin to describe how intense we worked, all trying to get through this labor thing together ... after 45 minutes I asked to be checked again.

Still ... no progress.

December 19th, 5:00AM
So in all of that time, no progress and a ton of unbearable, back-to-back contractions. This is when I demanded to talk with the anesthesiologist. God showed favor that day. We didn't have to wait for the doctor to get out of a 3 hour emergency surgery, nor did we even have to wait 30 minutes for him to get onto the department floor ... no, it was as if that man was waiting outside my door. He came in, explained everything then asked me what I wanted to do ... well, I didn't ask you in here to make a new friend ... let's get this thing going! I requested a "light" epidural, as I wanted to be able to feel the sensation of pushing and to be able to work with it. He agreed. Between contractions he worked quickly to give me the drugs I needed. Within minutes my right side was in complete relief. The doctor asked how it felt and I told him that it was only working on one side, but that I didn't care ... one side of pain was NOTHING compared to what I'd been going through for hours :-) we laid me on my side and the numbness spread through my entire trunk and both legs ... ahh ... relief! I really liked that doctor. He explained everything to me and addressed all my concerns with answers and respect. It was only later that I learned that he didn't give me a "light" epidural, but rather a spinal/epidural combination ... which, as I understand it, is heavier than a plain epidural!!

So there I was 5AM ... epidural administered, instructed by my doula to rest up for delivery ... and all I could do was sit in the dark for 3 hours and worry about getting an amniotic embolism. (If you are not familiar with this and you're pregnant or intending to become pregnant, don't look it up ... just don't ... ignorance is bliss).

December 19th, 8:00AM
We learned that, a few hours after getting the epidural, I had progressed to 9 cm with a lip of my cervix still in place. And we continued to wait and rest ...

December 19th, 10:00AM
The nurse checked us again and we were finally completely dilated, and at +1 station!

... we continued to wait the extra hours while the baby descended from zero station to negative 2.

December 19th, 12:00PM
It wasn't until nearly noon on Saturday that we were ready to push.

December 19th, 1:35PM
One hour and 45 minutes later, at 1:35PM, little Drudoc was born. As I mentioned before, he wasn't a small baby: weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces and 21 inches long. He was large enough to cause a second degree tear that required sufficient stitches, but I did not hemorrhage and the placental delivery was unremarkable.

I remember pushing him out and the doctor saying ... well keep pushing! (evidently I thought I could stop when I got the head out!) the room went quiet as Berilac announced: "It's a boy, honey, here's our son" ... and he and the doctors placed him on my chest. I wish I could say that I cried ... like I had so many times watching "A Ba.by Stor.y" and wishing beyond hope that someday I could experience the utter bliss these people were fortunate enough to experience ... but instead my response was: "it's a baby, it's really a baby, and it's alive" ... I'm sure the staff thought I was a nut case. But seriously, I could hardly believe that we were fortunate enough to experience this amazing joy. Then the baby (healthy as could be) started wailing in cries and I responded with ... "what do I do with him?" .... ah yes, a typical new parent.

Berilac cut the cord, the nurses washed him up and we started breastfeeding right away. The three of us spent some time together in the L&D room before Berilac went out to the waiting room to announce that we had had a baby boy.

Welcome to the world baby Gamwich!

2009-12-28T12:24:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, December 19th at 1:35PM, we welcomed baby BOY Drudoc Gamwich into our family. (His real name is NOT Drudoc, but we don't share our real names here - so you'll just have to go with it ;-)

After 20 hours in labor and delivery, stalling out at 6cm for many hours, and an epidural ... our precious son made his way into this world.

Job 1:21, Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

Praise the Lord for today, He has given.

Little (or not so little) Drudoc had some pretty good stats:

8lbs. 11oz.

21 inches

Screaming at the top of his lungs.

My apologies for not posting sooner ... but life has been hectic with recovery, Christmas, and a newborn.

I will share the birth story later, I just wanted you all to know that our little miracle is here and we are so extremely grateful.

In like flynn

2009-12-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

So after calling L&D at 6AM, 8AM, 11AM, and 1:30PM ... we finally were allowed to come on down at 2PM. We checked in and got the room prepped: wiped down every surface with Clorox wipes, unpacked some essentials, got the IV going, etc. By 4PM they started the Pitocin.

We are trying to keep me distracted and chatty until the real pain begins. So far, it's more hurry and wait.

It will probably be awhile until we update again - my hope is that next time it will be an announcement ... but that probably won't happen until tomorrow.

Thank you again for all of your prayers!

39 weeks and no room for them in the inn

2009-12-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

We had our 39 week appointment on Tuesday and were excited to find out that progress has been made! As of Tuesday we were: 2.5 cm dilated, 50% effaced, almost engaged, with a bulging bag of waters. My doctor was excited to tell us that we didn't need to come in for a Cervidil on Thursday night because my cervix was now "favorable". She did a sweep and as I left I signed off with "See you on Friday" ... and she responded ... "if not sooner!"

Immediately following the appointment I called my doula and she too was excited about our progress. She said that in her experience women who go in with such a favorable cervix for induction usually only have to get a few doses of pitocin and then things take off naturally. I SURE hope that's how it goes for me!

The rest of the ride home, I took time to call friends, as I was bubbling over with excitement! When I got home that afternoon I headed out for an aggressive walk and was really thinking ... "uh oh, this is going to happen now and I'm not packed!" Well, nothing happened Tuesday night and on Wednesday morning I was losing my mucous plug and (TMI alert) experiencing bloody show. I kept walking and doing other things to help out ... but alas ... nothing. We are still here ... pregnant.

Last night Berilac came home from work (it was his last night before the Friday morning induction and 2 weeks off to enjoy his new baby). We spent the time finishing packing and getting ready to wake up at 5AM this morning to get showered, fed, and ready to call in to Labor and Delivery at 6AM. It was a very anxious time for me. I had flashes of fear, you know, when your tummy drops really quickly ... and then I'd take a deep breath and try to slow down the old heart rate. It was SO HARD trying to fall asleep last night knowing that I would wake up this morning to the day that we have our child. So intense.

Well, this morning we wake up, on time (which is rare for us ;-), get showered and had a large breakfast and called in at 6am to learn that everybody wants a piece of Labor and Delivery today! Evidently, all their post partum rooms are full and so are all of their L&D rooms, and they can only move L&D patients to post partum when they've been cleared out.

So for Berilac, me, and baby Gamwich ... there's no room in the inn for us.

It's currently 9:30AM pacific time, and after we got the news at 6AM we decided it would be best for me to take a nap and cuddle with the doggy (two things that will be in short supply soon enough), I woke up at 8AM to call back to L&D and check in with them to see where things were at and the very lovely charge nurse there asked me to call back at 11AM.

And so we wait ...

Keep us in your prayers, it's going to be a long day.

38 weeks

2009-12-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

We had our 38 week appointment on Wednesday, though we were only 37w5d. Everything looked great. We've been doing neonatal stress tests (NSTs) weekly since 36 weeks, only because I've had so much anxiety about a cord accident. All of our NSTs thus far have looked great.

In the appointment, the bp looked great (107/61), urine test came back fine, weight looks great (so far I've gained 20lbs in this pregnancy), and our fundal height was measuring above 39 weeks.

Because I have been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions since about half way through the pregnancy, the doctor has been doing internals since 36 weeks. Unfortunately, there has been no change since our first internal: 1 cm dialated, 0% effaced, -1 station, ballotable.

I am trying to patiently wait and trust the Lord with the timing of things. But I'm definitely the planning/anxious type - so I bounce back and forth, it's hard.

I'd really like to go into labor naturally before 39 weeks, that would be my first choice. If I'm trying for a pain-med free birth, I'd really like to be able to attempt that with "natural" labor contractions and not Pitocin induced contractions - which I've heard can be SO much more painful. However, if we end up needing to go in on Thursday night for the Cervidil (to ripen the cervix) ... my hope is that that alone will swing things into high gear, starting natural contractions and we'd be able to not have to start any Pitocin. So anyway, all this to say, that we are fervently praying for a tolerable labor and delivery experience, that is safe and healthy for both mom and baby. I try not to get too worked up about it, because I know that doesn't help a thing.

Another thing we did try this week was acupuncture induction. I went in for a treatment yesterday. If that doesn't kick start things, I go back in on Monday and Wednesday for more. It's hard because I know walking is one thing that's very good for mom and baby - if you're trying to kick start labor or not! And I've been walking every morning for the last three months ... but this past week has been cold and rainy, making it hard to get out of the house! The Acupuncturist told me to walk as much as possible following the treatments - so we'll have to bite the bullet and start braving the weather.

It's hard to believe that in less than 2 weeks we will have a little baby in our arms. Doing the whole parent thing still seems so out of reach and far away. I think denial is playing a huge role in this thought/feeling! ;-) ... heck, we don't know how to do all of this. I'm going to be a basketcase! ... what I do know is that Berilac and I have had our share of rough experiences in marriage, and I can confidently say that God has blessed us through our trials and today we have a very strong marriage. I think that will go a long way in figuring this whole parenting thing out. We just have to learn about all the logistics of caring for a baby ... it's a good thing we've got a ton of books, the Internet, and many friends that have gone before us ... all at our fingertips.

Until next week's update (... and really, hopefully sooner!),
Polly

We're having a baby ... this month?

2009-12-07T23:34:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to post for ages and have started a few posts ... that I just can't seem to finish. So rather than NOT post because I can't come up with exactly how I want to say all that I'm going through ... I'll just jump in and give you an update ...

The countdown is on ... but it's not as long as you think.

Only two and a half weeks until our due date ... but only one and a half weeks until our induction date. We are scheduled to head into the hospital on Thursday night 12/17 for a dosage of Cervidil, then the next morning, we begin the administration of low and slow Pitocin ... if labor takes off, then great. If it doesn't then the OB said we might be able to be released to head home until 12/22 before they have us back for an aggressive Pitocin dose then. We've hired a doula, so hopefully she'll help us in delaying the induction if needed.

I really hope (and I'll ask for your prayers) that baby decides to make an appearance before we have to evict him/her. I'd really like to go into natural labor on or before 12/17. Will you pray for us?

We are trying the self induction techniques ... walking, sex, EPO, pineapple, red raspberry leaf tea, will be starting acupuncture ... and spicy food, once the baby drops ... this whole acid reflux thing is OUT OF CONTROL at this stage in pregnancy!

I stopped taking Lovenox (blood thinner) on Friday night - so we're all set for a non complicated epidural/c-section (if needed) ... though we have taken the Bradley classes and are hoping for an unmedicated birth, which, as you might know, will be much more difficult if we have to be induced.

A lot of people want to know WHY we're planning an induction at 39 weeks. Well, our OB has been talking about this since the beginning. I guess there is a higher risk for cord accidents the longer the pregnancy continues. As well, we've been on blood thinners the entire pregnancy (stopping at 37 weeks) so they want us to only be off of them for a short while (I go back on them post partum for 6 weeks), and lastly ... at this most recent appointment (my 37 week appointment) the doctor took one look at my belly while I was lying back for the fundal height measurement and she said "that is one big baby" ... she is guesstimating 8 1/2 lb baby at 39 weeks. She then asked me "how much did you weigh at birth, because baby weight is mostly comparable to the maternal weight" and I told her "9 1/2 lbs" ... *blush* ... her reply? ... "I'm sorry." The reassuring news is that she doesn't think that the baby is too big for a vaginal birth, which I'm relieved about.

So that's it ... we are full term, we are expecting a baby THIS month, we have less than 2 weeks till our induction date, and Berilac is finishing his MBA program tonight (and dropping off his final paper by 6p tomorrow night). We will have 10 days to "be a normal couple" until baby arrives.

Our bags are not packed, our nursery is not finished ... and get this ... we don't have names yet!! ... I blame it on all the work I've been trying to wrap up (maternity leave starts this Friday, but I've been working from home since Thanksgiving), the fact that I'm as large as a house (literally, I'm worried this belly is going to split open!) and Berilac hasn't had time with his work and school consuming so much of his life.

Sorry for the delay in posting ... I've been SO incredibly busy ... if I haven't had time to pack our bag and/or work on the nursery ... nor get a name! Then you can see why I've been too busy to post ;-)

I can't believe our journey has come this far ... I so pray that the labor and delivery is safe and healthy for both the baby and me ... and that the labor experience is as tolerable as possible.

I'll try to keep you posted in these last few weeks.

With much love,
Polly

***

Interested in helping us out? Suggest baby names in a comment if you've got them! Remember we don't know the gender - so boy and girl names are welcome!

Maternity Pictures

2009-10-26T18:43:00.001-07:00

These pictures were taken by Nicole Hoefer Photography out of Redwood City, California. We think she did an EXCELLENT job ... if you're interested in connecting with her to help you with your family photography needs - go ahead and reach out to her!

Nicole Hoefer: 650-302-6191 or nicole@daniente.com

And now for the fun .... (these were taken at 29 1/2 weeks!)

Belly pics from our anniversary

2009-10-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

People seem to LOVE pictures ... so I thought I'd share some belly pics from the other night. This is me 29 1/2 weeks pregnant - the night of our anniversary dinner out.

Now mind you that it was a Monday night and the eve of a much anticipated frightening storm front. Upon seating us, the hostess said "I'm so proud of you for getting out at this stage of your pregnancy." And I responded with "you mean the very beginning of my third trimester with 11 more weeks to go?" ... I think she back peddled by telling me it looked like I could already be uncomfortable.

The front view:
The back view: (cute dress huh?)

There it is ... the "yep, she's pregnant" view ...

And in case you weren't sure ... we've spelled it out for you ...
Yes, I'm large.

I do get asked all the time "are you sure that you're not having twins?" ... this question should offend me because really, they are implying that I'm extra big, but instead I'm gleeful and giddy - I love having a pregnant belly, I love that it's huge!

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

2009-10-15T21:00:00.001-07:00

Today, October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.

If you have lost a baby or babies ... my heart goes out to you, I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you right now. If you lit a candle for your lost little ones, know that you are not alone in your pain. Know that grief and heartache do not have a time schedule that other people dictate. Grief and loss are very complex and painful. I hope you were able to surround yourself with people who love and support you - I hope you got the hugs you needed today.

If you have not lost any babies ... maybe, tonight ... give the little ones that you do have an extra big hug and thank God for them - they are truly a miracle. And if you know anyone who has lost a precious baby - let them know that you think about them and their lost little ones.

Missing our babies today:
August 2006
February 2007
September 2007
January 2008

Lift a glass ...

2009-10-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today marks 8 years of marriage.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this previously, but Berilac and I have not had an easy marriage - by any means. We call our first year of marriage "the meat grinder year" because there was so much difficult change going on that year. Then our second year was deemed "Berilac's take-it-in-the-chin year" ... it was appropriate for the emotional beating I was giving him and no, I'm not exaggerating.

In those early years we fought against our new identities, we fought against selfishness, we fought against insecurities, we learned of many more of our own weaknesses - and the reality of that was so very intense. The best news is ... is that we surrendered that all back to God and asked Him for His blessing, wisdom, and direction in each area ... and over the years each of these areas has gotten better and better. Because we had so many struggles, we were able to learn how to become a team and face these problems together. I believe that it was because of these issues and the tools we learned to overcome them ... that going through the years of infertility and loss brought us closer together, rather than driving us further a part. I definitely mourn over the loss and heartache from these past three years, but I also cherish these years as an opportunity God took in breaking us down even more - drawing us closer to each other and closer to Him.

For the past three years - every holiday, every milestone was just another reminder of what we don't have, rather than what we do. Today is a milestone. A milestone very different than the milestones we've hit over the past 3 years. Today, I am so grateful to be passing this milestone with little baby Gamwich in my belly. No, we are not holding baby Gamwich in our arms, and no I'm not 100% certain that there will be a live healthy baby to take home come Christmas ... but I do have more hope than I used to have ... that it will happen ... more hope then I've ever had ... some would think this is a slam dunk - 29 1/2 weeks pregnant, all tests look good, everything progressing successfully equals live healthy baby ... but I will tell you that each day I still have to choose hope.

Although we celebrate 8 years of ups and downs, we also celebrate that today wasn't another reminder of how we don't yet have children. I think of the ladies that are still waiting and my heart breaks for them and my eyes well up with tears. I am saddened by their losses, I am brokenhearted with them. I think of how this milestone would have been like that had this little baby not been conceived and thriving in my belly.

I am celebrating 8 years, I am celebrating emotional growth and intimacy, I am immensely grateful to be celebrating today, and I'm rejoicing in a new life.

A toast ... to real life.

The highly anticipated babymoon (pic heavy)

2009-09-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

We are living the dream! I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it was, after all we've been through ... to be able to go on a vacation and sport a huge belly ... I really do count it a miracle. I am so grateful to be this pregnant and to be able to enjoy this pregnancy ...

For those that would like to see ... I've created this picture heavy post capturing our wonderful babymoon. What is a babymoon you ask? It’s your last hurrah, your last couple-only vacation before baby comes … like “honeymoon” only it’s in anticipation of baby, hence "babymoon".

For years I’ve fantasized about a babymoon and for me what defined a good babymoon was something warm and tropical, a place where I could for the first time in my life wear a bikini without fear (hence all the pics of me, it's a start to our maternity pics!). Originally I wanted to go to Hawaii, but given my near plane crash 11 years ago I’m not too fond of flying and use meds to get through most flights … given that I’m pregnant I can’t take the meds and going without would be a bad idea as it would introduce too much stress to the baby … so we opted for driving to Southern California instead. We stayed in Dana Point, the nearly furthest south beach town just above San Diego. We were there for a little over a week … I would have liked more time, but I’ll take what I can get!

We headed out the weekend of Labor Day, so in these pictures I am 24+ weeks pregnant. And, as large as it looks, the belly has grown even more since then! Enough rambling … let’s get to the pictures:

Let's start with lots of good eating ...
Then we enjoyed a whale and dolphin watching tour!

First day at the beach ...

DISNEYLAND!!!!!

Date night ... a gondola ride, a night strolling through Laguna Beach, and a night of non-hot tubbin'!

More eating at the hotel ...

First day at the pool ...

Second day at the beach ... and some surfing! (Ok, or just some posing with the board ... for me at least!)

Second day at the pool:

It was hard to say good-bye ...

The painful and scary "near fall"

2009-09-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

I was heading into work yesterday and as I stepped through a doorway that I usually don't use, I missed the 3 inch step I needed to overcome and I tripped on it. With 8 lbs extra pregnancy weight (according to my latest appointment on Friday 8/28) taking the form of a big belly hanging over my waistband, a 10-15 lb backpack on my back, and a heavy purse in hand ... the trip was not as graceful as it could have been.

My left foot caught the 3 inch ledge and suddenly I was thrown off my center. I took a few long strides and with each step my foot slammed into the hallway floor. After two steps, I thought for sure I was recovering from the fall when I over corrected and started falling the other direction ... after a few more feet pounding strides I thought I was on the edge of correction ... and I could SWEAR I felt my heavy backpack shifting weight across my back ... and I went back the other direction a few more long strides.

By the time I came to a stop, I had NOT fallen (thank the Lord) and I had made it nearly 30 feet down the hallway ... it took nearly 30 feet for me to correct from nearly tripping, can you believe it!??!

I looked down at my foot and gracefully tried to pick up my water bottle that had flown out of my purse ... as I waited for SOMEONE to come out of their office and check to see how I was doing. Sadly, 4 office doors later ... nobody checked on that extremely loud sound I had created. I gathered my wits and proceeded to my office.

As I walked down the hall, I noticed how sore I was. I started feeling pains in my stomach, round ligament, and groin region. I made it to my office and called Berilac ... I was pretty rattled by what had just happened.

30 minutes later I headed into a meeting where I got to sit for an hour and a half with my feet propped up and all seemed to be going fine ... the meeting ended and then I stood up. Can you say "ouch?"

The pain and soreness radiated through my body. I could hardly walk. I slowly took my old man walk up to my office and emailed my doctor. An hour later, no response and it was lunch time. By 1PM I called the office and learned that the doctor's lunch hours extended another half hour. At that point, I was in so much pain, I decided to head home. I got one office mate to fetch my car and another carried my stuff out to my awaiting car. On the way to the car the doctor called and said she thinks everything is fine but for peace of mind I should come in.

I arrived to the doctor's office 7 minutes later. They quickly escorted me in to the exam room and prepped me for a pelvic exam. Before she jumped in - she checked the baby's heartbeat with a doppler - but I knew all was fine, as I'd felt kicking ever since the incident. So there I sat awaiting my first pelvic exam in the pregnancy (I was too scared to have one early on). The doctor indicated that my cervix was soft and she was a tad concerned. I reminded her that three weeks prior my cervical length was 5cm and she confirmed that with my most recent ultrasound results. I asked her if she was planning on doing an ultrasound to check for cervical length and she said she would. She rolled in the ultrasound machine and used the vaginal probe to take a peak at the cervix. She was unable to get a good view of the cervix and because of that she ordered a STAT cervical measurement downstairs in Radiology.

It was at this point that I really started to sweat things. The doctor indicated that she wasn't overly concerned, but she wanted me to be able to head home for the afternoon with some peace of mind. I called Berilac and asked him to come to the clinic - up to this point I could handle the appointment all on my own.

I ended up having to wait an hour for the appointment, 55 minutes awaiting Berilac's arrival. I tried to lay down in Radiology's lobby ... just in case my cervix was shortening. But because I was in a chair, my slumping wasn't proving that useful, or comfortable for that matter - with the earlier painful "near fall" incident earlier in the day.

As I sat in the lobby, so many thoughts went through my mind. At one point tears were in my eyes as I thought about how I wouldn't forgive myself if something I did (like nearly tripping over my own foot) caused the loss of my baby. Looking back now, and of course with some perspective I *know* that if something had happened it wouldn't have been my fault ... but I guess that's where my baggage and issues come into play. I prayed that God would give me some peace about the next few hours and I thought about the likely best and worst case scenarios. I remembered back to the pelvic exam and how the doctor mentioned that I wasn't dialated at all ... I knew that was really good news in the face of potential early delivery. I remembered that this Friday we will hit 24 weeks (viability) and that I've had many friends who've caught a shortening cervix to go on to bed rest, emergency cerclage, and pretty strong anti contraction drugs to avoid early labor. I remembered that I haven't even started having braxton hicks contractions yet ... so surely I haven't started real contractions.

Within minutes of Berilac's arrival we were escorted to the ultrasound room. The tech reminded us that we could not receive news good or bad from her, but that we'd have to wait until the doctor contacted us. I did confirm with her what our OB had said: "if there's something concerning - they will send you back up to OB/GYN, if it's all fine - they will send you home" ... she said that was true and proceeded to take a peak inside my belly.

As the ultrasound went on, and I waited there in the dark, with this technician wanding my stomach ... I prayed that our baby would be safe and sound inside my womb. The technician asked if she could take some pictures of the baby for us to take home and my heart lightened up a bit ... she almost gave away the gender, but didn't. She showed us the face of the baby ... which looked almost 3D ... little Baby Gamwich looked so cute.

She finished the ultrasound and said that she needed the Radiologist to confirm her findings. Minutes later she returned telling us we could head home. Shortly after we left my OB called and left a message indicating that my cervix hasn't changed over the past three weeks: still 5cm, still closed, still no funneling ... I took a deep breath.

I've spent the last day and a half hobbling around like an old man as the jarring from my "near fall" really bounced that belly around. My ligaments are sore, my muscles are sore ... it just hurts to walk. So I've been sitting reclined since yesterday afternoon ... working, and being very grateful that all is well and that I can still feel little Baby Gamwich safe and sound in there ... as usual, kicking up a storm.

Thank you Lord for keeping our little baby safe ... and thank you that I didn't actually fall on my stomach in my incident yesterday morning ... it could have been so much worse - so thank you for protecting us.

Results of our 20 week ultrasound

2009-08-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to report that our 20 week ultrasound went GREAT!

When we first arrived the sonographer told me that she'd do 30-45 mins of measurements where she'd just be taking notes, but at that point we could look around for vanity's sake. She gelled me up and we jumped right in. It was last Monday and the weather was quite warm, so my clothes were thin and sparse but the AC was blazing. It wouldn't have been so chilly in there except that I had consumed 20 oz of ice cold water to fill my bladder just prior to the appointment (I don't believe in drinking an hour before hand - no pain for me, thank you!) ... so I was stretched out on the table, in summer clothes, with cold gel slathered all over me, AC blasting right on me, with cold liquid running through my body ... and I was shivering! Though I'm not entirely sure it was just the elements, I was quite scared too.

I finally asked the sonographer if she wouldn't mind confirming a heartbeat for me and she looked surprised. I told her this was our fifth pregnancy, but our first live child (that's how I answer people now-a-days when they ask me if this is my first) so she quickly confirmed the heartbeat and asked if I could feel the baby kicking on a regular basis. As you know, I can, but there's still a part of me that gets scared that somehow the baby might have died between the last kick and when the ultrasound wand was placed on my tummy :-(

As she took her million measurements she kept placing the wand quite high on my stomach, I finally asked her "is there uterus and baby up that high?" ... she told me that my uterus ended 1 1/2 inches above my belly button and I was SHOCKED! I had heard that at 20 weeks it should be AT your belly button ... but I guess the location of a belly button ... is relative ;-) While she glided the wand over my tummy I broke out in only a few chuckles - heck, I'm ticklish! Then she had me turn on my side and I'm not kidding you - my uterus is all the way on my SIDE! When I shared my surprised the sonographer laughed and said, "well what do you think is filling up this stomach of yours?" ... so I guess it's the uterus and the baby! While I was "quietly" waiting for her to complete her measurements I mentioned: "I know you're not supposed to give me the results, but can you just tell me if you will be looking into my cervical length, amniotic fluid level, number of umbilical cord arteries, and placental location?" ... she looked at me in shock again and asked how far along my previous losses were - she was concerned I had reason to worry about all of these things most pregnant women don't even know exist. I confirmed for her that they were all early first trimester losses - but you learn a lot of scary things the years you are waiting to successfully conceive. She let me know that she'd be taking down all that information. I was relieved. I guess I was so relieved that I relaxed a bit and fell asleep! That was nice.

When we were done taking the required medical measurements, I asked to go to the restroom and upon return we would look at the fun stuff!

The baby cooperated the entire time! The sonographer said that she got a clear shot of the goods and just when you'd think that we'd ask her if she saw the pork and the beans ... we told her that we aren't finding out gender until the delivery day! However, we did ask her to write the gender down for us, in a sealed envelope, so that we'd have it in case something were to come up before the baby is due. It's morbid, I know, but I think about a family member lying on their death bed, at least we'd be able to share the gender and the baby's name with them before they go ... I guess I've always been a planner. And you'd think, with the information in an envelope, right inside our house (!!) (no, I won't tell it's location!) that we'd be tempted to rip it open and find out ... but we are excited that we'll have EXTRA motivation for delivery day. Right now, the only people that know what gender our baby is are: the sonographer, the paper greeting card, and the good Lord Himself! (but it was never a surprise to Him! ;-)

Regardless of that anti-climactic decision ... we still got our chance to poke around and see the baby's head, heart, stomach, face ... you name it! Some of the cooler things were: watching the baby gulp and swallow! (the sonographer said that that shows great lung development - exactly what you want to see at this stage!) and we saw five fingers on each hand! We tried to look for five toes on each foot, but when she went down to get a picture of the cute little feetsies, the baby wouldn't stop kicking!! It was ... too cute. Flicker is just as stubborn as her mother ;-)

Without further adieu (for those of you still faithfully reading) the actual test results:

Cervical length: 5 cm with NO funneling ... WOO HOOO!!!

Placental location: Fundal ... YIPPEE!!!

Umbilical artery count: Three! .... PEFECT!!!

Amniotic fluid level: "grossly normal" ... DOES IT GET ANY BETTER???

And the pregnancy is at 20 weeks and 3 days, with the baby measuring 21 weeks! The OB has yet to modify the due date ... so we'll hang off on changing that. The baby was measuring big on all fronts: femur, cranial, abdominal, etc. One measurement even came out at nearly 23 weeks! Hmmmm ... Berilac is 6'3'' and I weighed 9 1/2 lbs at birth ... should I start to worry yet about having a large baby? ... I'm actually quite enjoying our good news ... so I won't worry ... just yet.

And lastly, here's an adorable picture of our 6 1/2 inch Flicker:

We are praising the Lord for this healthy baby!

CCRM Regroup: Dumbfounded

2009-08-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

If you remember from a previous post, I dreamt that I couldn't dial my husband's cell phone number while I had Dr. Schoolcraft holding on the other line. That today, was not my problem.

In preparation for the call, I wrote out a ton of questions to pose to Dr. Schoolcraft and prior to the call reviewed them with Berilac:

We transferred 3 embryos, what was the quality/grade of the remaining 7?
What was the quality/grading of the remaining 7 on day 5/6?
What was the overall quality of our eggs/embryos (anything look off/odd/weird)?
The previous diagnosis you gave us was "egg quality," after completing a cycle with us, is it the same?
This was my first fresh cycle, and it was successful, are we really a "tough case"?
Yes we have a child that has made it this far into pregnancy, but some RE's don't consider that a successful cycle, was this a successful stimulation and cycle to you?
What would you change about our protocol?
My mom had early menopause at age 36, we don't feel like we should wait to TTC#2, how soon after giving birth can we take CD3 blood work to see where my AMH and FSH are at?
How soon after birth can we cycle? How do we take breastfeeding weaning into consideration for the timing?
How soon after a miscarriage can we cycle?

I felt very prepared. I felt like I was getting the entire rest of the story from our April cycle.

Then the call came, and like I said, I nervously dialed Berilac. I successfully got both men on the line and thanked Schooly for his involvement in our successful cycle, but that, before we forget, we wanted to know how he thought the cycle went down.

So I started with my first question:

We transferred 3 embryos, what was the quality/grade of the remaining 7?

And I was SHOCKED at the result:

1. 8-cell, grade 4 (transferred)
2. 8-cell, grade 3 (transferred)
3. 6-cell, grade 3+ (transferred)
4. 5-cell ... poor fragmentation
5. 2-cell
6. 4-cell
7. 4-cell
8. 2-cell
9. 4-cell
10. 2-cell

I am shocked because the remaining 7 embryos ... were such bad quality, they weren't even graded on quality ... they were developmentally too far behind to get a grading (or he didn't tell us what they were) ... he did mention that the 5-cell had a lot of fragmentation :-( ... with each cell count he told us about I felt the breath go out of my chest. The feeling reminded me of infertility's heart ache and isolation.

At that point, a couple of my other questions went out the window ... did I need to ask what our overall embryo quality was at this point? No. Was this considered a successful cycle? I'd surely say No. So I modified the questions a bit, and below, I'll provide his answers:

2. What was the quality/grading of the remaining 7 on day 5/6?

None of the 7 remaining embryos made it to day 5 or day 6 - they ALL arrested prior to day 5, which is what he would have expected on day 3 ... hence the day 3 transfer. Ouch.

3. What was the overall quality of our eggs? (anything look off/odd/weird)? I didn't ask about the embryo quality b/c I thought that was obvious.

He indicated that look of the egg - graininess or darkness, really doesn't tell much about quality, he's had some weird looking eggs make beautiful embryos and vice versa.

4. The previous diagnosis you gave us was "egg quality issues," after completing a cycle with us, is our diagnosis the same?

Yes, he'd agree that it's the same, but we can't lose sight of the Sperm DNA fragmentation issues. But he believes that the overall problem is with the eggs. He would generically classify us as having an "egg issue."

5. This was my first fresh cycle, and it was successful, are we really a "tough case"?

I reminded him that this was my first real fresh cycle, so were we really "tough" enough to require cycling at CCRM? ... Basically I was asking him if I could cycle locally next time. I truly wondered if I brought out too big of guns by using CCRM and their lab and he said we are a tough case (even in his experience) and we are very fortunate that the cycle was successful.

I think this is where I was really shocked. After 4 miscarriages ... I could (even then) still tell myself that perhaps those 4 miscarriages were flukes ... and perhaps the monkey clinic in Sacramento caused the problems from the first two retrievals and the CGH vitrified oocytes transfer back in January ... but the results of the remaining 7 embryos and Schooly's affirmation that we ARE a tough case really threw me in a tailspin. I guess I was hopeful that somehow we'd been living in a nightmare these past 3 years and that we'd learn today that it was all just a bad dream ... but no, we really DO have fertility problems. I know, I know, many of you are like DUH POLLY ... but I've had ladies who have said to me, they just think I've been unlucky and that really I'm a better case than we think (because we've gotten pregnant so many times on our own) ... but really, this paints a picture of poor fertility - no matter how you dice it. Given that there is a baby in my belly, I really was optimistic that things would look different. This was just so unexpected.

6. Yes we have a child that has made it this far into pregnancy, but some RE's don't consider that a successful cycle, was this a successful stimulation and cycle to you?

I didn't even bother with this question ... for obvious reasons.

7. What would you change about our protocol?

Dr. Schoolcraft said that since I got about 5 eggs from each of my previous retrievals, and was able to generate 14 eggs with CCRM's EPP/Antagonist protocol ... he didn't think there was anything he would change about that.

8. My mom stopped having menses at age 36, we don't feel like we should wait to TTC#2, how soon after giving birth can we take CD3 blood work to see where my AMH and FSH are at?

He indicated that six months after birth is when the mom's hormones get back to normal.

9. How soon after birth can we cycle? How do we take breastfeeding weaning into consideration for the timing?

He indicated that six months would be the earliest time to cycle again and that we'd want to wean from breastfeeding at four months and then take two months off before starting a cycle at the six month point.

10. How soon after a miscarriage can we cycle?

I told him that we'd been considering possibly trying naturally one time before considering treatments again to TTC#2 and I indicated that there is a high likelihood that it will be another miscarriage, I asked him how long we'd have to wait after a miscarriage to cycle again, and the answer is two months.

So there you have it. All the details from the call. Where does this leave me? Incredibly grateful for the 'one little engine that could' in my belly. Grateful that I waited until after the first trimester, the genetic screening ultrasound and blood work, and after the 20 week level II ultrasound ... before hearing this news.

You are probably wondering if we're really considering treatments for #2 when we're only 1/2 way pregnant with #1 ... and the answer is yes. We're not getting serious about anything, but we do want to know our options.

I'm glad we had the call. I'm just not happy to hear the results.

HALF WAY ... ah, the belly

2009-08-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we are half way through our pregnancy. I would say half way to baby, but this dream of ours started over three years ago ... so we're getting close, much closer than we were, that's for sure.

I remember before our first pregnancy three years ago, Berilac and I were playing a board game with my in laws and a question was posed "what is your worst feature," it wasn't my question, but I knew immediately what my answer would be: my stomach. I've got a life long best friend whose tummy is flat as a board and I always wished mine were like that, it's not large by any means, but it's got an 'extra layer' let's say. I remember thinking about my answer to that game question days later when I learned that I was pregnant ... and how ironic it was that I was grumbling about a stomach that, at the time, had a teeny tiny baby developing inside - how could I not appreciate that stomach?!

Fast forward to this past March/April. My weight was a tad high with all of the medications and lack of being able to exercise, my stomach was used like a pin cushion as I plunged (for the third cycle) endless needles into my "extra layer" on my tummy. At this point, I was VERY grateful that I could pinch an inch there!

Once we learned that we were pregnant, I started sleepwalking through the pregnancy. Just living in a state of denial as each day passed ... grateful, but still detached, about our pregnancy status. At nearly 10 weeks pregnant my belly couldn't take it anymore; but this time, the difficulty was in the form of food aversions - I was having food aversions like nobodies business. I would go from desiring a certain type of food, then taking the time to prepare it, and by the time the plate was sitting in front of me - I couldn't stomach it anymore. I was scared that I wasn't able to eat enough to provide sustenance for the baby, (though I know that's not true! I was being irrational ok?)

Near the 14th or 15th week, I started to need to support my belly as I rolled over in bed. I thought for sure I was exaggerating needing to prop up my belly with a pillow as I laid on my side, but each night I had to continue to prop, and each week it got worse.

In my 16th week I started to feel what I liken to gas movement inside my belly. I am so aware of my body that I noticed this when it was just slightly present. I'd feel some "gas" processing, really down low in my abdomen and wait to fart ... the fart never came. But when this kept happening, and people started asking me if I'd started to feel the baby move I said "I'll let you know in two weeks" ... as I thought, if this feeling maintains - then I'll really know that it's baby! Well, it kept recurring and I was grateful to feel baby kicks so early.

As you saw in a previous post, my belly was nearly un-hideable at 16 1/2 weeks. It was at about that time that my stomach felt like it was bursting to pop. I swear, I'm not sure how many times I asked doctors/specialists/BTDT moms/etc if popping was a potential scenario! I wasn't afraid of popping at 16/17/18 weeks ... I was worried that my belly wouldn't stretch far enough to make it to the end of pregnancy! I was told by a doula at 17 weeks that my stomach hadn't "popped" yet (meaning that the uterus hadn't fallen forward yet) but when it did, I'd be more comfortable and have more room for food.

Well, I'm not sure if I've popped yet (by definition of my uterus "falling" forward) but my belly has definitely grown since you've seen it last. At last week's appointment my OB told me that my stomach is large and will continue to get very large given my body type (short torso). I have been measuring my waist ... you know like, 36-24-36 OW!!! and my waist is now up to par with Berilac's. Yes, the man who is almost one foot taller than me and double my weight. I have gained 10 inches around my mid section and I'm only half way!!! I am large and in charge baby!

So I will leave you now with the belly that I am so proud of!

Thank you God for the incredible stomach you have given me and the fact that it's been able to protect and take care of our little one these past 20 weeks.

Obsessed with CCRM

2009-08-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

I regularly get emails from women who are curious about our take on CCRM and whether or not they should consider using them. And everytime, I can tell you for certain, that I sing the praises of CCRM ... and not just because they knocked me up good and strong on the first shot. No, I recommend CCRM because of the research that they do, their cutting edge technology, their staff, and their professionalism. If I had to guess I would bet many fellow CCRM infertiles (those that were successful and those that heartbreakingly weren't) would agree with me. After working with three other previous clinics and RE's ... it was easy to see just how superior CCRM really is. One of my favorite things to relay is that I feel like my CCRM IVF nurse knew more than most of my previous doctors!

During this successful pregnancy, since many folks in real life have known about our struggles, reasonably, they ask if it was a treatment cycle that worked ... and I'm grateful to be able to tell them that we were fortunate enough to be able to cycle at the best clinic in the country.

There's one more reason CCRM has been on my mind lately ... I remember when we were going back and forth with Schoolie as to whether or not doing a fresh cycle or doing a PBB CGH frozen FET would be our best bet and he said "Sure, we can get you pregnant on a fresh cycle, but I'm pretty sure you'll just miscarry again" ... well, we prayed about it and felt like trying the fresh cycle was the way to go. When Schoolie said those words to me I thought 'man, I hope we can prove you wrong!'

On 3 days past transfer, when we got the call that 'today will be the transfer day' I asked many a question about embryo quality, but my questions went unanswered. I have to think that things weren't going as well as they'd like (hence the day 3 transfer) and so in an effort to keep me optimistic they didn't share the information. Looking back, I'm grateful for that too! You see, I waited to schedule this regroup with Schoolie until AFTER the making it out of the first trimester, until AFTER getting good genetic screening results, until AFTER the big 20 week ultrasound ... so that I could feel confident about this pregnancy and not get discouraged if he were to tell me that my embryo quality was crap ... I think that if he said that, it might make me insecure about the health of the baby growing inside of me. And so we've waited.

So now, here we sit, 5 days away from our regroup call with Dr. Schoolcraft and our opportunity to say 'told you so!' (not really ;-)). Actually, I am hoping to find out what happened with our other 8 embryos, what stage/quality they were at on our day of transfer and how they developed up to day 5 and/or day 6. I'm wondering what he thought of our egg quality and embryo quality. I'm wondering if he'd change our diagnosis after seeing us through an entire cycle. I'm wondering what he would suggest for us in a future cycle ... or would he recommend we not 'fix what ain't broken'. Really, the data is a 'nice to know' but my heart lies in finding out what happened to our little embryos that didn't make it ... even being in the middle of a successful pregnancy, my heart breaks for what we lost.

Two nights ago I guess I couldn't get Schoolie off the brain. I had a nightmare about our call. It just had to do with having him on the line and then my 45 minutes of unsuccessful attempts to conference call Berilac into the conversation. It was less about being unable to correctly dial my husband's number (for 45 minutes ... according to my phone display in my dream) and more about feeling stressed that the doctors are superior and I can't even dial a phone ... I think this concern stems from just wondering if they discarded our embryos because maybe they didn't meet their "standard" ... when I would have frozen everything. Although I know that only 25% of couples make anything to freeze on a given cycle, it was heartbreaking to land in the 75%. And I guess, if the dream tells anything, I feel out of control about that.

I'm hoping and praying that Tuesday's call will bring me some peace about how the cycle actually went down.

***

On another note, yesterday, for the first time ... I felt the baby kicking my bladder! One second I don't have to go pee, then the next, I was shocked that I did ... then the pressure went away ... it was AWESOME!

1:34,000

2009-08-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Our second trimester blood work came back and our risk for Down's, Trisomy 18, and Neural Tube Defect have been identified:

Down's: 1:34,000
T18: 1:100,000
NTD: Negative

We drew another sigh of relief at last Friday's 19 week appointment. We are feeling so incredibly grateful to be able to sit here, nearly half way through our pregnancy, still pregnant, with a healthy baby.

To be honest with you: I didn't know pregnancy could ever result in a healthy live baby for me. I remember after our third miscarriage when I would come in contact with newborns, I would smell them, I would look at them closely - examining their elbows, their eyelashes, their blinking eyes ... and I would gaze in awe. How in the world could God use pregnancy to create a human being that actually survived. With so many losses, to me ... pregnancy = abnormal baby = miscarriage. Many times, I would grab my own arm and think to myself ... if I made it through gestation and birth then surely I can have a baby that can?

Now, there are no promises that our blood work guarantees a healthy baby - but things are looking awfully good.

In other news, at the appointment, I've learned that in 19 weeks I've gained 5 pounds and blood pressure and urine litmus look good.

One week from today ... we are highly anticipating our big 20 week ultrasound!!!

Daddy felt his first baby kick

2009-07-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

For almost two weeks now (since 16w5d) I've been in denial about feeling the baby kicking. At first, I wasn't sure if it was gas or movement, though the sensation was very low. Then the sensation kept occurring in the same location ... a tap, tap, tap. Honestly, it FELT like gas moving through my system ... only in the wrong spot. I would tell Berilac that I think I felt the baby move, but I wasn't sure. People would ask if I've felt the baby move and I would tell them "I think so, I'll let you know for sure in a few weeks when I can confirm that the feelings I've been feeling line up with undeniable baby movement."

I went from feeling exclusive taps to a flutter or a swoosh sensation. Then, although the sensations stayed the same, they moved up my stomach to just under my belly button. I started to enjoy the experience so much that I started putting my hand on the outside of my belly in an attempt to "catch" the little one moving ... and I started to feel the movement simultaneously on the inside and the outside - I got so excited. For the past few nights I've been forcing Berilac to gently place his hand on my lower stomach and maintain stillness ... last night, when it seemed as if the baby was very active there we sat in the assumed position, and at the exact same moment Berilac and I looked at each other asking "did you feel that?" ... I haven't seen us grin so big in ages.

Now we look forward to watching the movements on the outside of the belly!

***

To keep you posted on upcoming appointments: we have our 19w appointment on Friday and our "big scan" on 8/10. I can't wait to say that we are half way!

A little rusty

2009-07-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

If you don't know, seeing new babies at your place of work can be a very difficult situation for an infertile. I remember nearly a year ago when a colleague of mine had his stay at home wife bring their newborn in for all to meet. A seemingly innocuous gesture, right? Well, unfortunately, not for an infertile going through the ringer. So when this colleague had their newborn brought in, I overheard the oooh-ing and ahhhh-ing commotion and discreetly shut my office door and stayed quiet ... to avoid having to paste on a smile or be honest and glare directly into the doting parent's eyes. I avoided what I knew would be a difficult situation for me and an uncomfortable one for them.

This past week my office had a department picnic. It was the family kind - where everyone can bring spouses and kids. Last year I suffered through it. I tried to enjoy it, but when you're depressed - even potentially fun events are draining. This year, I participated in the booths and activities they provided, I mingled, I enjoyed the food (ok, but NOT the food that had been dangerously picked over ... I'm a little bit of a germ-a-phobe in that way).

So this year, that same colleague passed by me in the hallway with that same (now 1+ year old baby) and luckily my husband was also attending the picnic and happened to be with me in the hallway (or else I'd feel like an even bigger boob). As the colleague squeezed by me with his baby facing outward, tucked under his arm, he locked eyes with me (and having the amazing social skills I know I have ;-) ... I was faced with having to say or do SOMETHING to acknowledge their amazing procreative accomplishments; there was no getting away from it. And being gratefully pregnant myself, my heart was finally in a place where I could honestly say something sweet and endearing. I looked into those big baby blues and I said "so cute!" ... but that is all I could manage to get out. I tried to be more articulate, but I was a little rusty at nonchalant baby complimenting and I froze up a bit.

(Now I have to interrupt to say that this colleague of which I speak is not close to me, is not someone I have a relationship with ... to make things worse, he's a very serious person who is actually my supervisor's management level ... so he's not really a peer either!)

As soon as Dad and baby passed by, I continued to exercise those amazing social skills I mentioned above ... which I knew at the time was a bad decision. I should have just stopped and left it at that "so cute!" ... what's wrong with just saying that? Well, unfortunately, I followed it up by yelling down the hallway at my colleague "I meant the baby" ... just to make sure everyone around was clear that I wasn't what? ... hitting on my colleague?? ... with my gorgeous husband standing right there?

Stupid. Stupid. (bang head against wall) Stupid!

It would have gone off better had he laughed or said something witty in response but instead he (and my husband) just started blankly at me. When we walked away my husband whispered under his breath: "nice one."

Announcement - Take 2

2009-07-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

If you remember, it was around 13 1/2 weeks that I was first approached by a colleague asking me if I was pregnant. Then, as I approached week 15 and was preparing to announce ANOTHER colleague asked me if I was expecting. Man, the nerve of these women - and yes, I do really like these ladies so I didn't haul off and hit them or accuse them of calling me fat! So at some point near the beginning of my second trimester I was alerting some sort of gestational signals - to wait until 15 weeks was challenging - and my heart broke when my original plans to announce didn't work out. Then last week I was "lucky" enough to be away from work (not having to hide the belly and no opportunity to announce) but then came this week ...

I deliberated on Sunday night for quite some time as I tried to decide what to wear the first few days of the week (while the belly was still in hiding). I started shopping for maternity clothes at about 14-15 weeks and started wearing them at 15 weeks. So I asked myself if I had any NON-maternity outfits to subtly hide out in. This is what I came up with ... here are two outfits I put together for Monday and Tuesday of this week, as I stayed covert about my status:

I think I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself!

To compare ... here are some pictures of what I actually look like this week in maternity clothes:

And so, yesterday was the big reveal. To maintain discretion, I wore maternity clothes under a jacket until it was time for the 3PM meeting in which I could announce. At about 2PM I called Berilac and I was scared. I had no idea what to expect. I was excited to be able to finally have the day that I'd been looking forward to for so long and I was scared that I'd be exposing myself without any guarantee of pregnancy success. I took a few deep breathes and charged on. At 2:50PM I maneuvered my discreetly covered up cupcakes to the kitchen in preparation. I cutely arranged 21 cupcakes upon a round silver platter. These too were adorable:

I laid the platter in the center of the large conference room table and awaited the 10 people that would soon come. I took off my jacket and rubbed my belly - taking deep breaths the whole time.

I thought the experience would be different. I imagined people floating in one at a time, making wise cracks about the tray of goodies, asking "who's pregnant?" and landing their eyes on me. To be honest with you, the reason I liked the idea of bringing cupcakes (and the reason I've done it twice) is not because I'm some sort of Mar.tha Ste.wart baker, it's because I'd prefer to let the cupcakes do the talking ... that way I get the opportunity to not have to completely engage about a discussion about my pregnancy. It's conflicting ... there's part of me that has been very excited for this day to come and there's part of me that is terrified about inviting THE WORLD in.

When people actually did enter the room, they made no comments (funny or otherwise) about the baked goods, instead they quietly waited for the room to fill. When most people arrived my grand boss closed the door and started the meeting: "Today's meeting will start with announcements ... Polly?" So there I was, on the spot, all eyes on me. Now, don't get me wrong ... I LOVE attention, my nickname in school was COA: Center of Attention. I'm not afraid of a microphone or a video camera ... I LOVE public speaking. But there I was, sweating in the moment. "Well everyone, I brought some cupcakes for you ... and if you can't tell by the color scheme what they represent, then you are dumber than a bag of hammers ..." (ok, I didn't exactly say that - but I was close) "I am pregnant and expecting on Christmas Day" as I broke eye contact with everyone and tried to divert attention by passing around the serving tray ... cheering and clapping broke out, along with a few "Congratulations!!" The best part was when the first person to receive the cupcake tray asked if she was supposed to pick a cupcake based on what gender she thought the baby would be (this is what I was hoping for and it was nice that someone else brought it up!) and so behind her everyone chose according to their prediction. (They voted GIRL by way of remaining blue cupcakes!) I think the worst part of it all, was when my grand boss moved on from our announcement and started talking about REAL work topics ... then I suddenly realized I'd have to sit for 50 more minutes processing this experience silently in my head ... ARRGH!!!

When the meeting broke, the comments that followed were nice - many people individually congratulated me and wished me well. My office mate seemed a little surprised that I hadn't told him the news, so I tried to explain that handing out cupcakes WAS my way of telling him. Only one person indicated that they had their suspicions that I was pregnant - I guess when I was sitting at my desk one day I was unknowingly rubbing my belly "like pregnant women do".

After the meeting I took the remaining cupcakes around to other colleagues - especially the ones that have known since week 13 1/2 and have been keeping their traps shut! And although nobody that I announced to today has any idea of our history ... I didn't feel as isolated or alone as I would have felt on any given day during my infertility experiences. I felt normal, like a "normal" pregnant woman ... and that, that was nice.

So there you have it, we are out of the closet for those that are on my work team. This afternoon, I announce to another department in my organization to which I used to belong. Then, I will make the dreaded FB status update. We're going all out, for all the world to see.

Jumping in with both feet

2009-07-14T10:15:00.001-07:00

So, it's about that time.

I was planning to announce my pregnancy after my 15 week appointment on 7/3, however I learned that I was off of work that day and so my plans got squelched. I then spent last week vacationing in Lake Tahoe. And this week, I am hiding a not-so-hideable 16 1/2 week belly until I make the work announcement when I'm nearly 17 weeks.

Last week Berilac and I spent a week with Berilac's family at a family reunion in Lake Tahoe. To kick off the event, we planned on announcing to everyone at the first all family meal we attended. I made and brought 18 of what I think are the most cutest cupcakes you've ever seen :-) (if you can't see them, those are little tiny pacifiers in the center of each cupcake - I made 9 pinks and 9 blues and I was planning on people selecting their cupcake by guessing what gender the baby is - cute idea huh?)

and I brought an album with a million and a half ultrasound pictures to share ... along with a cute little belly. We also brought along my 5 year old niece, but unfortunately right before the big announcement she started feeling ill and I took her to the hotel to keep her near a bathroom etc., and I missed the announcement, the album was forgotten, and the "pink" cupcakes got passed around before the blue ones - so no fun guessing game ensued.

So far I'm batting 1000 on having "bad" announcement experiences/stories.

I was planning on announcing at work during this week's staff meeting - but of course that got cancelled ... so we'll see. As soon as I announce at work, I'll start acknowledging publicly that I'm pregnant.

I wanted to take a moment and address any infertile readers I may still have left ... it is at this time that this blog will turn from an infertility/loss blog to pregnancy after infertility/loss blog. I know that many women choose to start a new baby blog, but I'm not going to. This blog started as a blog about my life and quickly morphed into an infertility/loss blog, I want to contain my life's experiences here ... so I want for people who stumble upon this blog to also see the experience of pregnancy and motherhood after such a tramatic launch. I understand that this means that many of you will no longer visit - and for that I COMPLETELY understand (I'll even bet that I've already lost a great many of you) ... I will continue to keep up to date on your lives and I will miss you incredibly ... but I get it. If I don't see you here, I will see you at your blogs.

16 weeks and 4 days ... and still pregnant. Yep, it's about time I jumped in. I hope that the following posts will start surfacing some of my pregnancy experiences - those have been long in coming.

Celebrate the approach of the holidays with us, as we are expecting Baby Gamwich on Christmas Day.

The NT Scan: A cry of relief

2009-06-24T11:13:00.001-07:00

I am so pleased to share that yesterday's NT scan went great! Berilac and I have taken some sighs of relief ... and not to mention, shed a few tears. What a day, what a big day.

At about noon yesterday my mom called, a tad frustrated and concerned that I hadn't called her with the NT results yet!! And then I reminded her that the appointment wasn't for another four hours ... we had to wait until 4:30 in the afternoon! So not only was I on pins and needles the whole day, but it sounds like others were too.

I'm not exactly sure how I got any sleep the night before or made it through the entire day without having a heart attack, but as the time drew closer my attention span moved further and further away. Berilac sped up to my work at 4PM to pick me up for the appointment and it wasn't until then that I realized I had forgotten my paperwork for the appointment ... POLLY!!!! ... I was pretty mad at myself, I had been all anal about making sure I had TWO copies of everything I needed and of course I don't remember either of them. ARGH!

We arrive to the hospital to find that there's a ... $6/hour parking fee ... umm, what? That ain't cool. We got it validated because we had an appointment, but we realized our poor family would have to be paying this fee when the baby is born, come December, in order to visit us ... so not cool! But, the saving grace is that they do have valet parking ... WHAT? And no, I'm not delivering in Beverly Hills ... good grief people!

This office had obviously done this work before ... they were like a well oiled machine. When we walked up to the counter they were expecting me and had my paperwork all ready to go! I had partially filled my bladder (as I'm no novice to this full bladder ultrasound experience!) and waited in the EMPTY waiting room. We were called back in minutes. (It's no wonder they make you pay for parking ... this place is on it!)

The ultrasound tech was a delight. She was an older woman who was sweet and sensitive. She had me lay down on the table and she tilted the whole thing back so that my feet were higher than my head (I guess they are used to uncooperative babies?) she had me scootching all over the table to get in just the right position. When she was squirting loads of gel all over my lower tummy I told her that this was our fifth pregnancy but our first living child, I asked her if she wouldn't mind establishing the heartbeat first. She gave a compassionate smile and responded with "of course."

The ultrasound started and immediately we saw a wiggling, back arching, squirming little baby with a regular heartbeat. The image was AMAZING - we could see EVERYTHING! The ultrasound tech told us what we were looking at with each shot: the heart and it's chambers, the entire spine, the brain and everything they expect to see inside the skull, the rib cage, the fingers and toes, the face and the profile.

She took lots of measurements too: the baby's size, my cervix length, and the nuchal fold. The baby was (as usual) measuring a day ahead, my cervix was nice and long and the nuchal fold came out exactly as it should. There was one point in which she took a picture of the empty uterine area above the kid's head and a second picture of the empty area below the kids feet - anybody know why they do that? We asked about the placental placement - I was curious if we had an anterior placenta - which would prohibit feeling the baby's kicks early. The tech told us that the placenta is so large at this point, it's practically everywhere! Then she showed us how it was wrapped from the front to the back.

When she was done the Perinatologist entered the room and retook the nuchal fold measurement and compared it to the tech's measurement - they were equal, the Peri was happy. They told us that our appointment went so quickly because we had the most cooperative baby of the day! Thank you Lord for a wiggling, happy, cooperative baby ... which helped to ease my nerves!

When she was done I was allowed to make an escape to the restroom and we were escorted to the hallway to learn the combined results of the blood test and the scan. Within minutes the Peri came out and told us our results: we are "very low risk" ... and we were happy. Immediately I started crying and Berilac held me while he chuckled a little and asked why I was crying - I told him they were tears of gratefulness and joy.

Monday's 12 1/2 Week Appt

2009-06-20T09:58:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the delay in posting, I was busy and I kept leaving the ultrasound picture in inconvenient locations - at home, in the car, etc.

Last Saturday I was scared with a couple of episodes of cramping. The day before I had spent five hours on my feet and during that time had two large bottles of Gatorade, but I don't think that was enough - I was dehydrated for five days after that! And like I mentioned the next morning I had some scary cramps. Immediately, I got off my feet, drank a ton of water, went to the bathroom .. and they subsided ... until the second round came around dinner. I followed the same steps and things resolved much more quickly. Since then I haven't had any strange symptoms or feelings ... but I will say that it heightened the fear at my Monday morning appointment.

So last Monday (6/15) was our first appointment with our OB. It is scary because Berilac (for the last two appointments) has shown up later than me, so they walk me to the exam room alone and I get so worried that he's not going to make it in time - but he has both times. This past week was especially scary because they walked me back to the very first exam room I'd ever seen in their clinic - the one where I learned that the baby from our first pregnancy had died. I took a deep breath and entered the room.

They had me pee in a cup and my protein levels and sugar levels are fine. My blood pressure came in at a nice 110/70 and I haven't gained any weight since Colorado. Then the OB discreetly brought out the Doppler and gently pushed me to my back to place in on my stomach - I was in the middle of a sentence so I hardly recognized what she was doing ... not to mention I've never seen or used a Doppler before. As I lay there I could feel my heart pounding so hard against my ribs, I kept thinking she's not going to be able to find a heartbeat, what if she can't find a heartbeat!!?! ... And after a few minutes of probing around (and pretty low too) she said that all she could hear was my enormously loud heartbeat that was quickening in pace so she said - "let me get the ultrasound machine to calm you down."

When she left the room I put the inside crook of my elbow over my eyes and took deep breaths while Berilac prayed for us. It was so reminiscent of our first appointment there - at that appointment they had left us alone for a few minutes while they found someone else to prove that nobody could find a heartbeat. But this time, the appointment ended differently ... whew.

The doctor came back with the ultrasound machine and for the first time used the abdominal wand. Very quickly she found the little one hanging out tucked back into the uterus. When she found the heartbeat (about 150bpm) - I cried and started breathing again. It was so emotional and I was so scared. Unlike the 10 week appointment the baby wasn't dancing - all the baby gave us was an arm swing which I like to think of as a wave.

In this picture you are looking at the close up head shot of the baby with his/her left arm lifted above his/her head - kind of like in a "Hi Mom!" kind of positioning. The crown of the baby's head is pointing toward the 10 o'clock - so it's not like the baby is straight up and down.

After the appointment we went downstairs for the integrated screening blood work. We should have the results back by Tuesday in the Peri's office, while we do the NT ultrasound.

When we left Berilac was pressing me for a smile. He was so happy that things turned out differently this time and that we found the baby's heartbeat. I shared with him that I was (and still am) a little nervous because our baby was so active last time, and so quiet and subdued this time. The OB kept trying to get the baby to move positions to get a good profile shot, but baby kept in the same spot and only moved to give a wave.

I'm glad, after this appointment, that there's only 8 days between ultrasounds. Our next appointment is on Tuesday at the Perinatologist's office - we will be getting a 1 hour scan where they will look at many different things - specifically measuring the nuchal fold at the back of the baby's neck and checking for a nasal bone. I'm sure they'll do other investigations, but I'm not exactly sure what.

Please keep praying for our little one.

You've got "the walk!"

2009-06-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

I was walking away from a meeting yesterday when a colleague of mine was trailing 20 or so feet behind and she yells down the hallway: "you've got the walk!" and of course I played innocent and said "what walk?" (like I didn't know, I was just hoping she was talking about my gangsa walk?? ... no such luck.) She scurried closer and said "from the back you're looking kind of ..." and she trailed off as she looked down to my belly and then she said "well from the front you look kind of ..." then she looked at me and smiled. I replied, "with child?" and she said "yes."

I told her the cat wasn't out of the bag and we were waiting a few more weeks for some more time and information (that totally went over her head) ... but she said "well you're not going to be able to keep the news a secret for long" and she looked at my belly and winked.

Now, come on ... how many people do you know that overtly ask a clearly NOT OBVIOUSLY pregnant woman ... if she's pregnant ... does she want to be slapped? Luckily for her, I am pregnant and I was delighted that I "look" pregnant.

It's a good thing I'm not sensitive about my weight or anything ... or else my hand might have made contact!

***

In other news, we had an ultrasound on Monday and I have yet to post the pics and the story - it was quite scary initially but ended up being good. All is well and we're nearly 13 weeks. Our NT scan is on Tuesday afternoon.

Milestone: Our longest pregnancy

2009-06-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

This past weekend marked a huge milestone for us ... I can now say that this is our longest pregnancy.

I can't begin to describe the emotional process this has been.

As you've likely noticed, I haven't been as frequent with my posts as I once was. Not to worry, it doesn't mean I've been stressing out over everything, if anything I've been very detached from this pregnancy and this time away has allowed me to connect with "real life" rather than the WWW. For me, it's been an opportunity to get some distance between being on the Internet (and looking up scary things) and just trying to enjoy the day to day. I will say that I have been so grateful for each blood test and each ultrasound that has been reassuring, and the fact that we haven't experienced any bleeding (yet ... and let's hope we don't) we are beyond words grateful. The more time I spend in "real life" the more "normal" this pregnancy feels, if that makes sense.

A lot of women who are pregnant after infertility/loss talk about not knowing where they "fit in" are they infertiles are they fertiles? And I will say that in the beginning I knew exactly where I fit in ... on team infertile. I am a die hard loyalist. I would shock myself as I would look at a pregnant belly and think "she doesn't even know what a gift she's got!" (being completely judgemental and all ... heck, she could have spent years waiting for that belly) ... all the while stowing away my own little pregnant belly ... but I did not want to be "one of them." However, I know that one day (soon, I hope) I will have no choice but to join team fertile ... and even in that transition, you can count on me to represent our team well. When we jump in with both feet, I will not forget the place from where I came.

I spent Memorial Day weekend with some old friends, and as I prepared for the weekend, I took extra time to select cute outfits and matching shoes ... I even packed makeup! (It's been a LOOOOONG time since I've cared what I look like) and I made sure that we executed our schedule to a T, so that we would arrive on time to let the fun weekend begin (also not common for us ;-) ... and there I was, spending time with friends ... caring about my appearance, looking forward to seeing folks, engaging in conversations, getting energized by time with people - rather than being sapped and crying at every "alone" opportunity. You see, I was realizing that I was coming back to Polly. My personality was coming back, my zest for life was coming back, I was coming back. Only, I wasn't and I'm not ... the same Polly I had been 3 years ago. When my girlfriends asked me how I was doing, I didn't mean to breakdown in tears, but I did. I am so incredibly grateful to have my life (a life) back and I am so incredibly grateful for all of the wonderful things that have happened through this extremely painful journey, and I want to honor those experiences. But I also want to honor the major sense of loss that coming back to myself has pointed out. I am no longer the same woman. I am not sure if I'm angry about that or grateful for that. I can no longer look at people the same way. I can no longer experience life the same way. I am softened. I am compassionate. I am praying to God that this will continue to mold me and shape me to become more like him ... and that He will continue to move me further and further away from feelings of bitterness and betrayal.

I'm not sure how other women have navigated this. I know for me, it's been and it will continue to be a growth process that sharpens me ... there will be no light switch moment where I go from being infertile to fertile. But I know that each milestone carries me further and further into facing a change in my life.

I'm sorry I haven't shared this as much as I could have ... I hope to keep you in the loop better, once I jump in with both feet. Which, by the way, my OB has suggested I wait until 15 weeks to do, rather than 12 1/2 ... she's on vacation during my 14th week or else she would have suggested that ... bummer for postponing the all-out celebration.

Thanks for listening (again) ...
Polly

10 weeks

2009-05-30T21:57:00.000-07:00

Day before yesterday I had my 10 week appointment. It was a daunting task - we were headed for the "same" appointment at which we lost our first pregnancy, with the same Nurse Practitioner - I was concerned I'd go through the same experience, but we did not. I remember our first OB appointment with our first pregnancy. It was at 10w5d, the appointment started with details about how much I should eat, what exercise I should/shouldn't do, information about upcoming classes I should consider, etc. It wasn't until I had been inducted into the club (given a handbook and everything!) that we did the ultrasound and found that our baby had died. I left the exam room puffy eyed and crying, carrying my farce of a handbook - I had been kicked out of the club so quickly.

But like I said, this week's appointment went much better. After waiting 20 minutes in the exam room, pacing the floor in my gown I jumped up on the table and took Berilac's hand, we prayed that this baby would be healthy and that this appointment would go well. The NP entered and said, "hey, I recognize you! Is this baby number two?" ... without hesitation I said, "no, this is pregnancy number 5 and hopefully baby number one." ... she responded, "let me get the ultrasound machine, let's start out by giving you some reassurance" and I genuinely thanked her, I did not want to be inducted into the club without proof this time.

She opted for the trans vaginal sonogram and I made myself vulnerable in this journey once again. The minute we could see the baby she said, "oh there we go, that's good news" and I didn't know what she meant, could she see the heartbeat? 'cause I sure couldn't! She said, "look, your baby is dancing" I squinted my eyes and moved my head a little closer ... sure enough, it seemed like the baby wasn't staying still. "But is my talking and movement causing that?" I asked. She said, "hold your breathe" and as I lay as still as I could, we watched as little Flicker reached his hand to his forehead and mouth and eventually put his thumb in his mouth; he rounded it off with a nice dancy, shaky move and some twisting - it was fantastic. Flicker is the size of a kidney bean .... this was the most advanced kidney bean size baby I've ever seen! (He takes after Berilac ;-) Then little Flicker started, what looked to be, pounding his fists at us and I told him we would take away the evil ultrasound, and so we did. She didn't measure Flickers crown-rump-length, nor the heartrate - we are just reassured that movement is good.

The rest of the appointment was unremarkable.

Miscarriage rate: We asked her what our chance of miscarriage is at this point and she said 5%. I'm not sure that number will get any lower, but I will feel better if/when we make it to the second trimester. There are many ways to think of the second trimester: does it start at 12 weeks, 13 weeks, 14 weeks? We have our next appointment at 12 1/2 weeks (on June 15th) so we might "jump in with both feet" after that appointment if it goes well. The next appointment might be awhile, so perhaps we should "announce" after that appointment? (Yes, yes, this blog is open to the world, and I've been out of the closet here for months, even many IRL friends read this blog ... but none of my work friends know, nor do other random people I run into.) So perhaps we make it to one more appointment before I start thinking that this pregnancy will last, that I will stop looking with disdain and actually consider maternity wear, plan for a baby shower, consider birthing preferences, and plan around a due date. I want so badly to have this infertility loosen it's grip, to enjoy this pregnancy and to take it all in - like so many women can do.

Meds: I told her of the meds I'm on: Prenatals, Omega 3 vitamins, Folgard, Baby Aspirin, Lovenox, and Progesterone. She gave her sympathies and made notes, evidently, the OB will want to run special tests for women on Lovenox. We told her this was an IVF pregnancy and she asked where we had been cycling, we told her CCRM and she asked if Schoolcraft was our doctor - that was nice, it always surprised me when I would talk with OB staff and they didn't seem to know a thing about the infertility business/community.

Genetic testing: The NP heavily suggested the Full Integrated Screening (1st trimester bloodwork, NT Scan, 2nd trimester bloodwork) given our history of loss. We told her about our conversations with our local monitoring clinic RE and how he indicated that if we weren't willing to terminate, then there's really no point. We told her we were against the CVS and why would we take the screening tests that could provide us with more worry, rather than conclusive information. She understood about the CVS, given it's increased risk and she let us know that the one advantage to doing that early screening, is if they find a "soft marker" at the 20 week scan, they can refer back to the early screening to confirm if the screenings are consistent ... to know if they are dealing with false positives or real problems. That was persuasive, so we are considering doing the non-invasive screenings.

The ins and outs of being an OB patient: The strangest experience was having the NP run down the list of appointments we'd need to make (should this pregnancy progress) evidently, my OB office wants to see me once a month, and that's for just a "normal" patient ... I thought for sure they would want to see me next time at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan ... I thought I would have to suffer between 12 1/2 weeks and 20 weeks, but no, they include something like 13 appointments in the "maternity" package. I'm so not used to being a maternity patient.

So that is it for 10 weeks, we are now double digit weeks pregnant, we have surpassed the second longest pregnancy we've had and if we make it two weeks to our next appointment we will have made it further than we ever have.

We celebrate today because Flicker is a dancing (seemingly happy) baby and we are still pregnant.

Celebration

2009-05-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

What I know for sure: recurrent pregnancy scars run deep.

Heading into today's ultrasound I was sure I was going to get bad news. All I've ever known in this journey is waiting and heartache; I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea of thinking that things might work out ok.

I'm almost in shock that today's appointment went so well. I literally had imagined myself calling in sick today, curling up in a ball on my couch crying my eyes out while I rock back and forth holding my little doggie. But instead the appointment went great and I'm nearly in disbelief.

I want so badly to embrace this pregnancy. I want to celebrate the life inside me. But as a protection mechanism, I've disconnected quite a bit from this experience. I struggled today to remember that there is a baby in my womb. Even if the baby doesn't make it, it doesn't mean it wasn't God's creation. It's really awe-inspiring and I'm trying to minimize it, in order to survive should we lose the baby.

"The baby" ... there is a baby in there. Wow.

I thought today if other women would be telling people at this point. I thought about how other women might head to the baby store and purchase a cute little outfit or two to celebrate. I want to start looking at maternity clothes and dream about my body with a protruding belly. I want to argue with a close friend over how early to send out baby shower invitations. I want to plan a babymoon that will allow me to wear a bikini that showcases a beautifully full belly. I want to believe that this Christmas will bring us a child. But as I said ... the scars of recurrent pregnancy loss run deep.

I hope that as the weeks pass, not only will we experience more and more encouraging doctors appointments, but that we'll also learn to dream and to trust. I so badly don't want to be jaded anymore.

Ok, ok, enough about my heart ... let's get on to the details!

As I mentioned in a previous post my local monitoring fertility clinic offered to give me one more ultrasound before being transferred over to my OB's care ... and because that means one more look at our precious little "Flicker" (with a higher quality machine, I might add) I was on board for it.

Let me start out by saying that the doctor's summary of our appointment today: "it couldn't have gone any better" ... if I could encourage any RE out there who might be reading this (um, yeah, all those RE's that read infertility blogs!) these are the exact words I wanted to hear.

Reasons for the great ultrasound:

Today was my 7w6d appointment and the baby was measuring ahead at 8w0d-8w1d.

The baby had a strong and steady heartbeat (they don't measure rate unless there is a problem)

The placenta is in the fundus (high in the uterus - I guess this is good so as to avoid previa)

There is no blood anywhere (it is very common that IVF pregnancies deal with bleeding)

Berilac and I were so relieved. We called our parents and we praised the Lord. I thought for sure I would need to cancel my plans for the weekend and for next weekend, but today we are still pregnant, so we have reason to celebrate - now I just have to remember what it's like to be happy and celebrate (stick out tongue here).

I will leave you with this: our 2 month old precious Flicker (aka, the blob in the center ... The black space is the gestational sac, the round thing at the top is the head, the rest is the body and the umbilical cord.)

Our next ultrasound is with our OB on Thursday, May 28th ... Lord keep our baby healthy and safe.

Update

2009-05-12T07:47:00.000-07:00

First off let me start out by saying that I'm still pregnant. It seems that every time I see friends I carry a less than ecstatic expression on my face and they are wondering (usually without asking) if I'm still pregnant and really, it's understandable. So yes, nothing has happened that I know of, so I must still be pregnant.

I mentioned in my previous post that our next ultrasound appointment is on 5/20 with our OB/GYN office (since I have graduated from CCRM's care) however, my local monitoring fertility clinic offered to give us a scan (without CCRM's involvement and before being transitioned over to the OB's office) so I'm taking them up on their offer. I will have an ultrasound this Friday (5/15) at nearly 8 weeks and I have pushed out seeing my OB - so no scan for me on 5/20.

There is not much to say on the "how's the pregnancy going?" front. Things seem to be going fine, I have slight symptoms all around: fatigue, indigestion, food aversions, tender bbs, uterine cramping/twinging and really just an overall feeling of blah in the evenings when I get home from work. It seems so ambitious to consider cleaning the house or doing the dishes.

I am surprised at how well I'm holding up since our last ultrasound. Prior to the ultrasound at the cadence of about every other day I had emotionally all but given up on a healthy pregnancy. Since our last scan I have attacks of fear, but I remember back to the successful milestones we've already encountered and I remember that God is in control, not me. There's no amount of worrying or not worrying that will help or harm this baby - if there was something I could do to cause a miscarriage of a baby that God has made healthy - then why would abortion clinics be in business these days? ... So I try to just accept that whatever will happen, will happen. I am trying to enjoy each day as much as possible.

I am highly anticipating Friday's ultrasound. I think it stands to reason that if last week was my first good ultrasound ... then each "good" ultrasound that I have from this point forward, will also be a new experience. In looking for examples of what a good 8 week ultrasound should look like, on You.Tube I've found video blogs of women's pregnancies - and of course I get sucked in! I watch these fresh faced, optimistic ladies gush about their pregnancies - one girl even "revealed" her pregnancy to her friends and family (in a cute way) when she was "already 5 weeks" pregnant. I always preface my pregnancy stage with "I'm only X weeks pregnant " .... it just amazes me how cynical I've become. I get that our situations are different and that of course I'm hesitant, but I guess I just have a hard time accepting that anyone would get pregnant and assume that there is a healthy baby inside, that they will make it to the end of the 40 weeks with a baby to show for it. I think most young women are confident in their pregnancies - and it just floors me. I must admit that I grieve the loss of innocence, I grieve the innocence that not only Berilac and I no longer experience, but the innocence that my friends and family no longer have in relation to me. There will be no "cute reveal" of our "bun in the oven." Each time I get pregnant and I tell friends, they are hopeful, concerned about me, and wondering if this time will be different (at least that's what I assume they are thinking?) ... so, as you can imagine, it's hard to watch those uneventful video blogs ... why do I keep torturing myself?!!?

There was another torturous event recently - ok, a couple. Sunday was Mother's Day and yesterday was my birthday ... both are so difficult. I know I'm young, but as I've mentioned before: holidays mark another year gone by that you've been in this battle, and I know it seems like I might be in the midst of the end of my battle - but I've still got a ways to go before I can start popping the Martinelli's and begin proposing nursery theme ideas. I went to church on Sunday - my first Mother's Day service in a few years. When the time came to honor mother's, I didn't stand. I sat and wept for the many women in the congregation (and in congregations around the world) who only wish they could stand - only wish someone would recognize their hurting hearts. For what it's worth - I grieved with you and for you on Sunday and I wondered if next Mother's Day will be a joyful time, or if it will be filled with even more heartache.

Lastly, I just wanted to share my friend's story and send her a hug - my girlfriend in Colorado. We met awhile a go in the blog sphere. She is my age and has dealt with elevated FSH (like in the 20's!) I initially found her blog because I was searching for an image of an intramuscular shot being given, I found this lovely image of her rear end and her husband priming a big juicy 25 gauge-r to stab her with. I complimented her cute hiney and we've been kindred spirits ever since. Only months after I started following her blog - she got pregnant naturally - and we all celebrated! (Her infertility site has been shut down or else I'd direct you there.) This past summer she and her husband welcomed a precious little girl that I've had the opportunity to fawn over during one of my CCRM trips. More recently, it came with mixed emotion when I received news this past March that she was pregnant again, and again au'naturale (it was difficult only because she was the third pregnancy announcement I had gotten in days, on the flip side, I was definitely in awe that lightening had struck twice - score another point for team infertile!!) Well, on Thursday night, just shy of 15 weeks pregnant, my friend sent out an email that I surely didn't want to read ... she was in for a routine mid wife appointment and they found that the baby's heart had just recently stopped beating. I broke down in sobs. I know the pain of loss, but I do not know the pain of loss after you've crossed so many milestones - thinking that you were "in the clear" ... my heart breaks for her and her family - and I can't even imagine how bittersweet this Mother's Day was for her. So Sweety, if you're reading this - know that we are still praying for you - and we are here for you.

We took home a picture

2009-05-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today was ultrasound number 5 for me in terms of number of ultrasounds I've had where I should have gotten good news and should have been able to take home a picture. I've always wanted to take home baby's first photo - and today I finally did.

Berilac and I were so grateful to see in this morning's ultrasound a precious little baby measuring exactly on at 6 weeks and 3 days with a strong heart beat! (rate was around 130).

It was so amazing to finally see a little heart beating away - the way it's supposed to. I didn't cry, I didn't laugh, I just breathed deeply and thanked God - I am so incredibly grateful.

It's my understanding that although miscarriages can still happen after you see a strong heartbeat, the chance of miscarriage, at this point, for my age group is 7.6%

We are praying that this little one will stick around for another 7 and a half months. We are so happy to have today's results and what seems to be a healthy little baby tucked away nice and tight. But we are saddened that the other little Gamwichs didn't make it.

We have our next ultrasound scheduled with our OB/GYN on Wednesday May 20th.

Today we celebrate Cinco de Mayo style because today we are pregnant.

Anticipation

2009-05-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

On Friday we got more good news on the hormone front. After cutting out estrogen support entirely my hormone levels came back higher than they were when I was on support! (Up to 862 from 739). And the progesterone level stayed the same (31.4) even though I had cut my progesterone support in half. So we are staying off of estrogen support and we are done monitoring estrogen levels and Saturday night was my "last" Endometrin, we will check the progesterone level tomorrow morning and if all looks well, I will have weaned off of hormone support at 6 weeks. Although scary for me, this is good news.

And if you're paying attention ... tomorrow is our first ultrasound. After so many things going well, many people think that:
1.) I'm ecstatic to be pregnant
2.) I am hopeful

... now don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to be pregnant, but I've been here before, and because of that - I'm scared that this one will end like all the others before it. I do want to be hopeful, but I have such major trust issues. I have such a hard time not thinking that everything is going to come crashing down around me - that's how I feel in life in general, imagine how it must feel in this circumstance!

Berilac and I had a long conversation this weekend. Berilac was really thinking that I had been lifted out of my depression (for lack of a better term) and while it's true that my emotional state has lightened dramatically, I'm still not "happy" or "back to my old self" ... if anything, I'm struggling to stay hopeful as the days pass after good hormone results and I try my best not to think that yes the recent hormone results were good, but TODAY (2-3 days past the last good hormone level results) ... the worst is happening - but it's hard. In our conversation we realized that I look at this experience as one long running 3 year heartache and Berilac looks at each instance (each pregnancy and each treatment) as a seperate event, and this "event" is going well, so he's excited.

I want to be hopeful, but I'm scared ... and for good reason. I've been burned before.

When the nurses told me that my second beta was great and that my ultrasound would be scheduled for 6 and a half week check-in on Cinco de Mayo I thought ... how am I ever going to make it to May 5th before getting an ultrasound? And of course, the days at work DRAGGED by. The weekends provided a much needed break from the slow motion experience of 9 to 5. Then I wake up this morning to realize that the ultrasound is tomorrow ... and I'm practically having a panic attack, today can't go by slow enough ... I don't want to go to an ultrasound tomorrow! What if we get horrible news? When we had first learned of our Tuesday appointment, Berilac and I had toyed with the idea of postponing the ultrasound until Friday (as we've never gotten good news at an ultrasound and it's much easier to be alone when you're dealing with difficult news like a poor ultrasound rather than at work) but then we realized that we'd rather know sooner than later if things weren't going well - so we've kept our Cinco de Mayo appointment.

When I think of our appointment tomorrow, I'm not excited ... I'm terrified. The anticipation is grueling ... I think I'll go back to work and pretend like nothing is going on ... (visualize me: plugging ears and humming "la, la, la, la, la, la, ...") ... yeah, denial and distraction ... nobody can compete with these rock solid coping mechanisms.

Shameless Endorsements

2009-05-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I have two endorsements to share.

ENDORSEMENT #1 SILENT SORORITY: I never was lucky enough to go away to college directly following high school graduation like many of my peers. I never had the chance to join a sorority (in the common definition). However, I am now apart of the sorority that I wish no woman had to be apart of ... this endorsement is a "birth" announcement of a blogger friend's soon-to-be released book, Silent Sorority. The author, Pamela, doesn't know that her website and her brief 2008 New York Times story inspired me to continue sharing my story - in the face of so many people that just want us to "get over it" and to really consider that this story might not end with one of Disneyland's fairytale endings that I thought I was entitled to; reading Pamela's blog has allowed me to "go there" and consider that my life can still go on if Berilac and I are not able to become parents.

So, thank you Pamela. I'm sure your book will be just as touching. Hats off to you sister! I look forward to receiving your book and uniting my heart and my experiences with your story in paperback.

To everyone else: it is my understanding that this book is not only a great way for infertiles to feel connected (rather than isolated) in our journey, but it also can be used as a tool for those that haven't experienced this road and don't understand this struggle - to get to know the heart of it a bit better ... so get out there ladies and buy this book!

ENDORSEMENT #2 MISCARRIAGE SURVEY: Now you may or may not notice the groovy new link in my right nav bar? If you've been the unlucky recipient of the miscarriage experience - take a moment to click on it. I was recently contacted by a Doctoral candidate in Counseling Psychology from Teachers College at Colombia University. She is completing her dissertation and could use our help. She is trying to inform future research and modify current practice regarding miscarriage among health and mental health providers, ultimately improving care for women and families affected by miscarriage. I align with those endeavours and so have decided to cooperate with her request to make this survey available through my blog.

This is what she had to say:

Everyone has a unique experience with miscarriage and many find help and support through websites like this one. Unfortunately, little is known about women's experiences of support and how this may affect responses to miscarriage, and so I invite you to participate in my dissertation research study examining women’s experiences following a miscarriage. Although there is no direct benefit to you, survey results may help healthcare providers better understand and meet the needs of women following miscarriage. This online survey takes approximately 15-20 minutes and is open to women who have miscarried a wanted pregnancy in the previous 6 months who are 18 years of age or older, living in the United States, and involved in a relationship with a significant other. Participants are eligible for a raffle for a $50 American Express gift certificate.

To the ladies who have experienced miscarriage: my heart is broken with you, and I'm so incredibly sorry for your pain and loss - I know it all too well. If/when you feel strong enough to participate, click on this survey link (as I mentioned, I will also leave it in the nav bar for future opportunities) and take 15-20 mins to complete it. If you've had multiple losses, it is recommended that you keep a single pregnancy loss in your mind as you respond to the questions.

Thank you for your help in contributing to hopefully changing the way our medical community views and ultimately handles our circumstance. And if the dissertation doesn't get that much industry exposure, at least you know you've helped someone who cares about pregnancy loss - and that too is worth something.

***

Ok, this here infomercial is over! Back to your regularly scheduled blogging ...

Another milestone

2009-04-27T15:09:00.001-07:00

Yesterday marked 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant - that officially makes this pregnancy longer than pregnancies #3 & 4. These pregnancies were each 5 weeks long and had low and non doubling betas.

Today, I am celebrating the little things.

***

In other news: I had my Progesterone and Estrogen levels retested today and they look great!

Estrogen: they want the level to be > 300; after cutting my dose in half my estrogen level is 739! (appropriately down from Friday's 799).
Progesterone: they want the level to be >6; after cutting my dose by 1/3 my level is 31.4! (appropriately down from Friday's 34.5).

It looks like my weaning schedule will happen a lot earlier than anticipated. The nurse suggested that starting this coming Wednesday I should NOT use any more estrogen patches and cut it down to 1 Endometrin a day. This news was shocking to me, so this is when I asked her if they would be monitoring me? She of course said we'd do a repeat hormone level test on Friday and if all looked good, I'd be off estrogen patches entirely and would stay on 1 Endometrin/day until 8-10w when the placenta is supposed to take over progesterone support. I then asked her if we would be doing any further monitoring of these levels, you know like beyond this Friday? And she said NO! She indicated that they see higher levels like mine in FRESH IVF's rather than in FROZEN cycles (ahhhh, so that explains it!) ... and that some people (like me) just don't need hormone support ... huh??) ... I of course protested and asked her if everything would be ok if we weren't obsessively monitoring things? And she responded by saying "We do this ... ALL.THE.TIME, we know what we are doing." ... Of course she affirmed my fears but I thought it was funny that here I was arguing with the experts ... as if I'd been asked by a Stanford REI doctor to lecture to his fellows or something!

Anyway, all is good for now. This experience has been overwhelming; I keep trying to take one day at a time. When I'm not looking for the other shoe to drop, I work towards trying to accept that ... today, I am pregnant.

Hormone levels in ... more good news

2009-04-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

Considering we don't really have any information right now as to what is going on inside my body, we are trying to stay positive.

I believe it was a good sign that my progesterone and estrogen levels from this morning came back good!

Progesterone: they want it to be >6, mine was 34.5
Estrogen: they want it to be >300, mine was 799

So on Sunday I start weaning off the meds: down from three to two progesterone (Endometrin) tablets per day which means my mid-day dose will go away ... my poor MALE office mate - who watches me crawl to the floor during lunch will stop wondering what the heck I'm doing! And I need only apply 1 estrogen patch to my skin on Sunday (instead of 2).

This information has no bearing on the success of this pregnancy (except that it means that things aren't over yet - but that would have come with it's own symptoms) nor does it mean anything about how many or how few babies are (hopefully safely) tucked in that womb. All this really is, is good news - something I'm not usually the bearer of.

In other news today, the most recent anonymous post (near bottom this time) did not go without my notice. I would like to respond - as I've now received my SECOND "controversial" comment since In2MeSee's inception ... all within the same post! Go figure ... I've been writing for nearly 2 years and this one post has solicited less than overly supportive comments ... hmmmm. But I digress for now, I will respond in another post.

For now, I'm just grateful for some good news!

Fertiles: Don't contribute to the isolation

2009-04-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

Ran into some friends this weekend ... learned that they are not only pregnant, but due in a few weeks! .... SAY WHAT?

If you are a fertile and you are reading this, here are a couple of tips:

1. Your infertile friend already feels isolated by the fact that they can't have children, when you do get pregnant, please TELL your infertile friends. Cause guess what? When they see you when you are 7-8 months pregnant, and you have some huge belly - they are not only going to think you swallowed a turkey, no, they'll be able to put 2 and 2 together ... instead of feeling protected by you (which is likely what you were trying to do - or you might have been protecting yourself because you are afraid of an uncomfortable confrontation) they are going to feel completely LEFT OUT of the entire process, which only encourages the fear that they really ARE isolated and alone and don't belong.

2. And along these same lines, since we're here already ... please don't further their isolation by NOT inviting them to baby showers - allow them the chance to turn down the invitation, rather than "protect" them. All you're doing when you protect them is confirming their fear that they really don't belong.

Ok, I think I've said enough here, verbal beating over.

Instead here are some pointers for telling your infertile friends about your news:

1. Send your news in an email - let them know that you're sending it in an email because you respect them and want to give them any emotional space they might need to process the news.

2. If you're ready to share your news, don't put off telling your infertile friends till the end. Rather, tell them first, so that if/when they hear the news from someone else they won't feel like you were hiding it from them.

You may think all of this is crazy. You may think that infertiles are more "sensitive" then you'd like ... but would you tell a guy who just lost his job that you just got a raise at work? Would you go on and on to him about how many people you now have reporting to you ... as he has run out of unemployment checks and is considering working at Burger King to get by? ... No, I didn't think you would. Man up people.

***

EDITED TO RESPOND TO COMMENT

Man, I am not making friends today. This is not the first circumstance where I've inserted foot and shoved. Though I don't want to "take back" anything I've said above, instead, I want to add more context.

Thank you anonymous for your comment. I believe that you have some very valid points. I'm sure it does feel like you can't win for losing! Here's the deal: infertiles (especially primary infertiles) don't have the joy of being parents, the awe of creation when they look into their baby's eyes, the excitement and connection to share with their spouses over a positive pregnancy test, etc, etc, etc

... so it doesn't really surprise me to hear that they (we) get upset by most things baby, right? ... as someone who has been through the ringer I can tell you that I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy - words like: painful, exhausting, isolating, heartbreaking ... don't even begin to describe the experience. So yeah, this stuff hurts. But pretending like it doesn't exist unfortunately, won't make things better - well, they might make it better for you, but they won't for the infertile.

I think I did a disservice in my original post by NOT communicating how important it is to approach these topics/discussions with respect, grace, and gentleness ... you can gently (but truthfully) tell someone something they don't want to hear and it ends up being LESS uncomfortable than if you exclaim your excitement over something that would clearly cause pain to another person.

Ok, you are totally right in saying that if you do not know that a person/woman/couple is struggling with infertility then how can you handle it with grace and respect? Let me tell you, I am not suggesting you learn to read minds! Heavens no. But I also don't think it takes a rocket sciencist to see the signs that there might be an infertile among us ... women who get quiet or look away at the mention of pregnancy, birth stories, and the like ... I don't think it would hurt anyone to talk less exuberantly about their child's poop if the signs are so obvious that you notice someone suffering ... and you can then go on to treat them with a little more care. If it turns out you were wrong, well then, you just bored one less person with stories of poopy diapers. (Yes, I'm sure if I'm ever able to have children someday, I will do this too, I'm just saying ... poo, not the most riveting conversation topic!)

Something that you didn't directly say, but that would benefit many people is ... KNOW YOUR INFERTILE ... you're right, some don't ever want to see a baby shower invitation for the rest of their reproductive years ... here's something my AMAZINGLY sensitive friend did ... she emailed me and let me know that friends were going to be throwing her a shower. She indicated that she'd agonized about whether or not to invite me, as she really wants me to be apart of her life, yet she also wants to respect the pain and difficulty a shower might cause me. (Can I tell you that I am crying as I type this, at the reminder of this amazingly sensitive friend!) She wanted to move forward in a way that would respect my feelings ... WOW. So what she did, so beautifully was she became a student of Polly Gamwich. By talking with me, reading my blog, praying with me, she learned that I wouldn't react so well to an invitation showing up unannounced in my mailbox, but one sent with concern and care ... it went a long way. So, if you have any infertile friends, learn about them (don't overwhelm them with personal questions about their lady bits) but use all that desire not to hurt someone and that wisdom to not judge someone until you've walked in their shoes ... and be delicate, and respectfully and humbly ask how you can better love your favorite infertile.

Ok, I'm sure something I've said will get me in trouble, but I really wanted to respond to anonymous, cause I NEVER get "argumentative" (for lack of a better term) comments ... and it's kind of exciting.

CCRM: Beta #2

2009-04-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

Praise God!

On Saturday our beta value was 108, 48 hours later it should double, so adequate results this morning would have been 216, but instead our result was 300!!

4/18/09 (11dp3dt) Beta #1: 108

4/20/09 (13dp3dt) Beta #2: 300

Here is a nifty chart for those of you that might need to see this graphically to tell what's going on:

Berilac and I are thrilled. We were praying that God would not only give us a "decent" second beta number, but a great second beta number, and considering that the clinic wanted the value to double and it tripled, I don't think we could be more grateful.

My FIL was praying that the number be above 230! How cool is it that he's trying to understand this whole situation enough to "get" what a good beta number would be? Um, hello? Who's the lucky daughter-in-law?

So we are done getting betas. We have a progesterone/estrogen check on Friday, but beyond that, we wait until the 6.5 week ultrasound on Cinco de Mayo (for those of you that don't know what that is - and yes, some people don't - it's the fifth of May).

Two weeks and 1 day to hold onto hope, to stay positive and trust God, two weeks to struggle to stay focused at work.

Today we celebrate because again ... we are still pregnant.

CCRM: Beta #1

2009-04-18T21:09:00.001-07:00

After getting a positive home pregnancy test on Friday morning, Friday night Berilac and I were able to celebrate the success of our cycle. We went out to dinner, we joked that after overcoming such a huge stressor how much more appropriate it would be to toast with glasses of wine rather than water - but we gratefully tilted back our cups in celebration, then we came home and fell asleep watching a movie - like old married people.

I will admit that Friday brought with it a bit of relief that we haven't experienced since January of 2008 ... when you get pregnant (even if it only to miscarry) at least you get an opportunity for the pregnancy to work out. We are grateful for this opportunity, but the label of "habitual aborter" has not left us unscathed.

Over the course of our celebratory evening, we stopped each other as one of us would veer into "what if this one doesn't work," we knew to hug tightly when we saw that look in the other's face that of course was followed by an "I'm scared." We shared many a deep breaths.

We saw pregnant bellies pass by (man, I had no idea Friday nights are a big belly fest at the local Cubian restaurant!) but we did not smile knowingly to one another or brush legs under the dinner table. We stared ... questioning if we would be able to get there someday and we continued with our celebration, regardless of the symbols of things we "kind of" have ... we tried to enjoy the night and for the most part we did.

Back at the ranch (for those of you who don't know we don't actually live in a ranch - hello? we're Californians ... a small, rented duplex on a comparable size property is not even close) ... after falling asleep on the couch to a movie, when we moved to the bed, of course Berilac was out like a light (I've always been envious of how quickly that boy starts lightly snoring once his head hits the pillow) and I lay there listening to his soft breathing, thinking ... hoping ... praying. Trying to imagine what a healthy, successful pregnancy would be like. And I kept coming back to the gravity of the next morning and the infamous first beta ... dum, da dum dah, DUMMMMM! And of course it didn't help that the lab is only open from 8-8:30AM so I'd be rising and shining at 6AM to get my progesterone supp inserted in time to laze around for an hour before racing to the clinic (nothing like the pressure of having a short night of sleep in front of you to "help" you FORCE yourself to sleep!) Somehow I dozed off and I awoke bright and early this morning, ready to challenge my "habitual aborter" title.

Can I just give a shout out to the nurses of CCRM here for just a moment? (I know most of you are only reading this after having scrolled to the bottom to check out the number, so I'll just do what I please) ... those ladies are FANTASTIC! Last night I realized that I only had enough Endometrin to last me through mid-day Sunday, I called the urgent call line at CCRM and they suggested ways we could get me what I needed by Sunday (do I even have to say that they quickly and effectively followed up with those suggestions and I have my Endometrin as we speak?) ... not only that, but somehow I LOST my beta lab slip and only noticed in on Friday night ... THE NIGHT BEFORE THE BETA!!! ... I sent one email to the IVF nurses and by Saturday morning, 8AM, when my local lab opened, my local clinic had received a fax and I was no longer "in a bind" to get my ever-so-important beta. So thank you CCRM nurses!

Anti-climatically, the blood draw story ends here. There was no more excitement to the blood draw, if you're an infertility patient you've been there 100 times before (probably literally) you can just think back to your most uneventful one and that was how exciting it all was.

Directly after the draw, after running many errands, we got on our way to a baby shower of a couple of fellow infertiles from one of my infertility support groups. As we all know showers are essentially ... well, torture (but for any fertiles out there reading this - it does not mean we do not want to be invited - we just want to attend on our terms - you know, if we're not on the verge of emotionally breaking down ... then we come) ... but this shower was different. It was easier for me to connect to because we had scored two points for Team Infertile (it was a double shower of TWO girls in our infertility support group that are quickly approaching their due dates!) so that was the high point. However, Berilac and I knew that we should be getting our results while at the shower (you know, the place you want to get all fragile with a call to your fertility clinic at ... A BABY SHOWER!) And wouldn't you know it, in all of their efficiency CCRM called early in the day and gave us our results while people were still arriving to the shower.

It was aggravating for me that CCRM's original call went straight to voicemail (probably as aggravating as it is for you that this post is running at the mouth like it is ...) so we promptly dialed them back and navigated the clinic's answering service to speak with the nurse. It was so cute when she said "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" and I responded by saying "Yeah?" ... she quickly got the gist and replied "but you already knew that, huh?" She said we had a nice strong beta, and although I hesitated for a just a moment - thinking how wonderfully blissful it would be NOT to know the exact number to obsessively track, measure, and compare, I asked her "what was the HCG level?" and she responded: "108." She also confirmed that my Progesterone level was also "good" but this time I opted not to get the details and just trusted her to do her job (something I completely LOVE about CCRM, you actually CAN trust them).

So that's it folks. 108. A "solid" singleton pregnancy beta level. As a matter of fact, it's nearly the exact average (100) for singleton pregnancies at this stage.

We celebrate this number for today - again, we are pregnant.

But I can't make any guarantees on where my heart and mind (and sleep) will wander off to on Sunday night as we prepare for beta #2.

Pregnancy #5: Today, I'm pregnant.

2009-04-17T17:42:00.001-07:00

(Job 1:21) The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

Today we praise the Lord for giving.

In preparation for tomorrow's beta, Berilac and I decided we would pee on a stick at home, to prepare ourselves for the type of call we would be receiving on Saturday. (Sorry for the blurry picture, it was taken with my iPhone.)

We are so grateful for pregnancy number 5, we hope that tomorrow's beta results will support a healthy pregnancy.

I guess I don't remember what a pregnancy feels like, otherwise, this one is DIFFERENT than all the others ... and will be a healthy and full term pregnancy - here's hoping.

Thank you Lord that we are pregnant today, please keep our embryos nestled safely in our womb for a good long stay.

7dp3dt - not feeling the love

2009-04-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

I know it's too early to know anything for certain - especially when a blood test is NOT involved, but I will tell you that I'm not feeling it. And if I were pregnant with triplets - I'd be feeling it, I'm sure. It doesn't even seem to me that I'm pregnant with one, let alone three.

I have not POAS today, but I did test out my trigger. I just wanted to make sure the trigger was gone ... to allow the option of testing early, but testing out trigger was so traumatizing that I've decided I'm just going to wait until beta. I will not POAS until just before beta - to prepare myself for the news of the dreaded call.

Days are dragging on.

Work seems unbearable.

Distractions are hard to find.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck.

Pray for me if you think of it - I'm really struggling with feeling loved by God. All I can do is cry out and cling to some good old scripture ...

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

How do you maintain hope while trying to prepare yourself emotionally for the worst? I want to stay hopeful, but at the same time, I don't want to be winded by the blow to the gut should the results come back negative - how does one keep this in balance?

Please continue to hold my hand while I wait ...
Polly

CCRM Cycle #1 - Pregnant until proven otherwise

2009-04-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

It was a bit shocking yesterday to learn that we would be doing a day 3 transfer. As a patient that has had 4 miscarriages the thought is that most of my embryos should "look perfect" (or at least be successfully developed!) at day 5 - Dr. Schoolcraft told me in a previous conversation that generally women who have recurrent loss produce many great looking blastocysts - which is misleading - as great looking blastocysts can be normal or abnormal (the thought being that if you are getting pregnant you make blastocysts, but if you are miscarrying those blastocysts are likely chromosomally abnormal - especially in my case) ... but in this cycle, we didn't even make it to blastocyst!

I mean, the fact that I've gotten pregnant so many times, so "easily" indicates that Berilac and I make embryos that make it to day 5 ... so to have only 2 embryos of 7 make it to the 8 cell stage on day 3 is strange. How the heck have we been getting pregnant if 5/7 embryos aren't developing on track? Some might think it's because we must have implanted late in our previous pregnancies but in fact, I've freaked out many a relative when asking them to pray for us when we were "early in our pregnancy" and they would ask "how far along are you?" and I'd respond "3 weeks and 2 days" ... I'm not sure they actually believed me! ;-)

So when the embryologist called yesterday and told me the news, I had one and a half hours to get my stuff together to get down to CCRM for my pre-transfer acupuncture appt. I had to call my husband and my mom. I had to update all you fine ladies. I had to email my support network and ask for prayer. I had to take a rinse-only shower (I guess those embryos don't like my Whole Foods, all natural shampoo as much as I do!) I had to prep my pad for my arrival home - putting important things in reach of the recliner I would soon call home during my 2 day, upcoming, bedrest: remote controls, liquids, numerous pill jars. And when I was done, my dad raced me to the clinic.

We arrived right on time. We took a lovely picture of me in front of the infamous (and likely VERY expensive CCRM lobby waterfall) sporting my must-have IVF occasional t-shirt. I emailed this pic to my husband (surprising him that I even ordered the shirt) and he asked if CCRM created it for us (using our embryos as the pics!!) as a memento or something - too funny! (For anyone who doesn't know - the answer is NO - they barely let you get a glimpse of them before they deliver them to your lady bits - let alone graft a t-shirt for you!)

After taking the umpteenth million blood draw on this trip, we went to the surgery center and waited for someone to call us back. Now, let me tell you, my dad does not look young for his age. I was taking every chance I got to announce that this was MY DAD joining me today (as Berilac had to head back to California on Monday) but I will tell you, I was getting side ways glances from some of the other lobby patients while we waited ... I think the situation was exacerbated because I look like a teenager - it was awesome!

My acupuncturist brought us back and although navigating the gown change out was a bit delicate with my dad in the room, we managed. I relaxed, got stuck like a pin cushion, got a big tasty valium to take the edge off (ok, ok it's purpose was to relax the smooth muscles in my uterus - but I tell you my mind was pretty grateful!). A few nurses popped in and out checking my vitals, taking a peak at how that bladder was filling up - and I am happy to report that I only had to drink 16 ounces of water to make my bladder large enough, I guess my ovaries are still so large that they helped magnify my uterus on ultrasound.

My favorite part was when the embryologist came in and looked at me and said "Polly?" and I said "Yes" (knowing they like to double and triple check that they are putting the right embryos back into the right uteri). He then looked at my dad and said "Berilac?" ... it was TOO funny, dad and I broke out laughing. I told the embryologist that he was my dad and he responded saying - "you'd be surprised, at a place like this we get all kinds!" He confirmed what we had discussed earlier on the phone. He was still reluctant to give us information on the other 7 developing (although not so well) embryos, and this was all the further information that we got:

The three embryos transferred did not have any fragmentation removed - there was not enough to warrant it (that's good news).

They performed assisted hatching on all three embryos. (They said I was on the cusp in terms of my age and since I had had a failed IVF - they went for it.)

Of the 3 that fertilized on day 2, 1 of them had already completely arrested.

They will watch the remaining 6 embryos until Friday and evaluate for freeze. (It is my understanding that only 25% of cycles result in embryos that make it to freeze - so sadly, I'm not expecting any.)

Enter Dr. Schoolcraft ... the man, the myth, the legend.

I love building this whole thing up like he's a rockstar or something ... I will say that my dad has a very odd, dry, eccentric sense of humor, so I warned him that Dr. Schoolcraft is not a man you kid around with - thankfully he took my advice and didn't say anything to wig Dr. Schoolcraft out - the last thing I need is an offended doctor threading my cervix and handling my babies! The first thing Dr. Schoolcraft commented on was that we decided not to do the genetic testing and I told him that we opted out of it this time, but if we need to do it in the future - we'd be willing to at his clinic (they have really proven to me that this experience does not have to be as horrible as my last clinic experience - doctors/nurses really ARE competent!) and he broke a little smile at that, knowing I was admitting that I did not trust them earlier when I could have. He asked me if we were ok transferring three embryos and I did NOT delay in saying yes, he then said, "you could have triplets you know" ... pwaaaa haaa haa! (I laugh in the face of triplets!!) I responded asking him the chances and he said less than 5%, I told him I'd be grateful with whatever we get - if we get any babies at all ... (Lord please, please give us children!!!)

Then we started the procedure. The embryologist, Dr. Schoolcraft, and the ultrasound tech all stayed in the room - all concentrating their efforts on my nether regions, while my dad sat by head holding my hand - what a great dad! As the doctor began his descent I reminded him what a horrible transfer experience I had had in January, telling him that my last RE spent 35 minutes trying to just place the catheter and Dr. Schoolcraft's response was "I don't think I could keep my embryologist entertained that long!" ... ha! a joke from the stern faced one himself!! It was great. After that it seemed to go fine. He made mention of understanding why the previous transfer would have been difficult, but I only felt one twinge of pain and after a soft yelp the ultrasound tech said "he just placed the catheter" ... they delivered the little ones and closed up shop.

After it was over Dr. Schoolcraft said it was a great transfer with perfect embryos and he wished me luck.

I of course endured another session of acupuncture and got wheeled out of there. I wore my shirt all around with pride and ALL of the surgery center nurses ooooh'd and ahhh'd over it saying how cute it was and that they'd NEVER seen one like it before! (And the phlebotomist said the SAME thing!!). Now, I've known at least two women who have worn their shirts to CCRM - so there's got to be more ... Brenda, Lisa, how come you didn't sport it in all it's glory? I thought for sure you had??!? ... I'm guessing if any other patients in the lobby saw me in it (which they HAD to have) they likely thought I was just a naive, novice infertile (spreading baby dust!) going in for my first IVF that of course (roll eyes) will work like a charm. I just thought - of all people - those hanging out at the last resort fertility clinic .... are the ones that can appreciate such a shirt!

So there you have it. I'm now lying around incubating a few little babies. Praying that they stick around for the long haul. I've got a uterus full of babies and this was my story of becoming pregnant until proven otherwise.

CCRM Cycle #1 - Day 3 Transfer

2009-04-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

The embryologist called and he and Dr. Schoolcraft have decided that we will do a transfer today!

On day 3 they like to see embryos that are 8 celled and are graded highly. Here is their grading policy:

Grade 4 means even cell division with no fragmentation
Grade 3 means even cell division with small fragmentation
Grade 2 means uneven cell division with moderate fragmentation
Grade 1 means uneven cell division with excessive fragmentation

We will be transferring 3 embryos today:
8 cell, grade 4
8 cell, grade 3
6 cell, grade 3+

We had hoped for a day 5 transfer, but we are praying that at least one (if not all three) babies will be healthy and stick around.

Please pray for us today, for an uneventful transfer and for the blessing of children.

CCRM Cycle #1 - Day 2 ICSI Report

2009-04-06T13:52:00.001-07:00

So it turns out that all 4 of the immature eggs that they retrieved on Saturday matured - I guess the last one matured after I got off the phone with the embryologist.

Well, so they ICSI'ed the 4 eggs and 3 fertilized ... so now we have 10 embryos!

I asked the embryologist if they find that day 2 ICSI'ed eggs are less chromosomally normal than those originallly mature at retrieval and she said they were still collecting data on that, but that they have definitely seen take home babies from day 2 ICSI'ed eggs - that was reassuring.

I asked her how they use the day 2 ICSI'ed embryos ... let's say I was able to make it to day 5 would they transfer any of the day 2 ICSI's as morulas? And she indicated that there are two scenarios for the day 2 ICSI's:

1. If you end up having a day 3 transfer, and you don't have enough embryos, they will transfer some or all of the day 2 ICSI's as well.
2. If you make it to day 5 they will transfer the blastocysts (day 1 or day 2 ICSI'd) and the remaining day 2 ICSI's will be evaluated for freeze.

The short of it is ... we have 10 embryos and we are praying that God will bless us with a normal embryo or two to transfer into my womb for a nice long, warm, comfy, cozy 9 month journey ... please continue to pray with us.

CCRM Cycle #1 - Fertilization Report

2009-04-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to report that on Saturday Dr. Schoolcraft retrieved 14 eggs, telling us that it was a very "standard" retrieval. He got 1 egg for every follicle he flushed. He used a smaller needle, so the recovery has been much better than the past two retrievals (stupid monkey clinic!).

So here's the data in summary:

14 eggs retrieved
10 eggs mature
7 fertilized with ICSI

Of the 4 immature eggs on Saturday, 3 matured by today. Tomorrow the embryologist calls us and lets us know if any of the late bloomers fertilize.

We will get a call on Tuesday morning to find out if we're doing a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer.

We are happy with our decision to do a fresh cycle and are hoping and praying for some amazing embryos on Tuesday.

Now, back to my movies and slothfull lying around!

The smoking gun

2009-04-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight at 10:15 PM MDT we trigger! Our retrieval is set for Saturday morning 9:15AM.

Today we had 10 follicles measuring 1.5cm to 2.3cm (though the estimated number of mature eggs at retrieval is still 6-8) ... and it's official, we are going to go for a fresh transfer.

I will be triggering with HCG and Lupron, in hopes of avoiding empty follicles this time.

I am hopeful, but I am scared too. I know that I am not in control. I know that doing the fresh cycle is the right thing for us to do - but I can't help but think of stories of women who tested their embryos only to learn that the BEST LOOKING embryos turned out to be the abnormal embryos. But I keep going back to the fact that I am not in control of the outcome of this cycle. I am going to pray that we put back two or three normal blastocysts (see how positive I am? I'm hoping we're going to make it to blastocyst stage and that we'll have 3 to transfer!)

My blood labs today showed the following:
E2: 3162
P4: 0.9
LH: 1.8

We take 75iu of Follistim this evening and I go in tomorrow morning for my last bloodwork before retrieval. I picked up my Lupron, Endometrin, and Vivelle patches from Todd's this evening. I am locked and loaded and ready to go! ... ready to pull the trigger!

Other things I should be doing ...

2009-04-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm fortunate enough to take the week off during my cycle. I'm sitting in this gorgeous 3800 square foot home that resides in a beautiful golf course community; I could be touring the local aquarium or zoo, but instead I'm inside. I could be productive and get my taxes done or clean out my inbox but probably the BEST thing I could be doing right now is kicking back, cuddling up on the couch with the too cute kitty, and napping while I attempt to watch a movie.

But instead, I'm farting around with the follie measurements from today ...

My nurse must have been off today, because I consulted with a different one. I told her we were still going back and forth about the PBB/CGH and told her if we could have a contingency plan it would be a no-brainer. She then told me that she anticipates getting all the eggs! ... like 11-14 or so. I then told her that in my past two ER's I've only gotten 5 and 1 mature egg respectively and on those cycles I had many more follies. She patted my arm and apologized and said we'd likely keep pushing. She then agreed with my nurses' guesstimate of 6 to 8 mature eggs.

We will still monitor tomorrow and Friday, but we also booked a monitoring appointment for Saturday ... just in case. I don't think I'll get instructions to trigger tonight, so ER will likely not happen until Saturday or later. (Sheesh, all this dragging on follicular development is exhausting!)

Ok, back to all the excel fun! I'll update with bloodwork results later.

***

Sat 3/28: ~6-8 follies

E2: 2169

P4: 0.7

LH: 1.0

And the count came down again today ...

2009-03-31T19:22:00.000-07:00

I was a little disappointed with today's appointment ... though I'm trying to take each day in stride, remembering what a very dear friend's recently passed father-in -law said on his death bed, regarding his unexpected and quick fight with lung cancer ... I'm just riding on the back of the bike. (Meaning: God is in control and I'm just along for the ride, I can't control this!)

This morning my scan showed very little progress with the follies. Well, actually, I think it was good progress ... the largest follie only increased .03 cm yet the smallest increased .12cm and the medium sized ones all increased nearly as much. So it seems as if the progress yesterday allowed the follicles to be more uniform.

I asked the nurse how many eggs she thinks we'll get at retrieval and her guess was 6-8. So again, just more encouragement to do the fresh cycle. She also said that she thinks retrieval will be on Friday or likely Saturday. This evening is the first night that they've adjusted my meds, I'll go from taking 150iu Follistim (as I have each night since stims started) to this evening taking 225iu. I go back in the morning for another monitoring appointment.

I said good bye to my mom this afternoon and sent her on a plane home - she wanted to fly out in sunny weather and she wanted to make sure to be home by Saturday for my aunt's funeral ... so today it was. I get to pick Berilac up at the airport late this evening. I miss him so much, I can't wait to see him!

Although I don't know how this cycle will end, I do know that I really appreciate the hardwork of my nurse, the professionalism of this clinic, and overall the experience of working with the "experts" rather than the monkeys (from the monkey shop clinic ;-).

Stay tuned for more exciting cycle updates ... until then, I'm just holding onto the back of the bike, enjoying the wind in my face.

***

Providing Estrogen levels and the like (for anniep and others interested):

Sat 3/28: ~13 follies
E2: 431
P4: 0.2
LH: 0.8

Sun 3/29: No appointment

Mon 3/30: ~11 follies
E2: 865
P4: 0.2
LH: 0.5

Tues 3/31: ~8 follies
E2: 1192
P4: 0.2
LH: 0.9

Steady progress

2009-03-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

Things are coming along.

So before I headed out to Colorado I was being monitored locally, they measured 15 follicles. Then on Saturday at my first CCRM appt the count was 13. Today the tech didn't want to get my hopes up - and they measured 11 follies from ~1.0 to 1.8.

My original schedule showed a Friday retrieval, but since they started my antagonist 2 days early, we thought maybe my retrieval would be 2 days early. Well, I didn't get instructed to trigger tonight so it's at least Thursday or later ...

I'm not sure how many to expect, but if quantity isn't going to happen, I will surely be praying for quality!

Berilac and I are nudging our way closer and closer to deciding to do a fresh cycle. Please continue praying for us - for peace and of course for the blessing of children.

Safe in Denver

2009-03-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, Denver encounter a blizzard - the largest it's seen since 2007. There were many incoming and outgoing flights cancelled and the roadways were horrendous. My mom and I were supposed to fly in yesterday morning on a 6:30A flight, but it got cancelled and the airline could only reschedule us for a late night Saturday flight ... which wouldn't cut it since my first appointment at CCRM was Saturday morning! So we switched airlines and they got us on the 2P flight yesterday. We landed into a very serene Denver International Airport - after hearing how bad the conditions were on Thursday, we were both relieved at the landing conditions!

And, the house we are staying at ... IS AWESOME!! We are blessed to be able to stay with Daisy's parents! We have 1800 square feet to ourselves ... and yes, that's larger than my California rental. And gorgeous to boot ... wowza!

So how is the cycle going thus far?
Local monitoring Thurs 3/26:
Lining: 5.5mm;
5 follies near 10mm, 5 follies near 6mm, 5 smaller follies

CCRM monitoring Sat 3/28:
Lining: 9.0mm;
6 follies near 12mm, 7 smaller follies.

The nurse suggested I would likely start Ganirelix tonight. And I should learn my new dosing this afternoon. I have my next appointment early tomorrow morning.

I asked the nurse when she thought we'd get more information on how many eggs they anticipate at retrieval and she said Monday or Tuesday. If there are fewer eggs I'm really tempted to do a fresh cycle. With these results - it seems to me as if we'll get 6+.

I am praying for some good quality eggs this time around.

There are other things going on in my life these days as well. DH's company just had two back to back furlough situations, totaling 16 weeks forced unpaid leave for 20% of the company (luckily Berilac was not chosen to go on furlough) however the remaining 80% of the staff will take a 10% pay cut. So we will soon be getting 10% less each month AND the company has stopped paying for his master's degree program. In more disturbing and painful news - my aunt committed suicide this past week. Her funeral will be next Saturday 4/4, but I'm not slated to leave Colorado until 4/5 or even 4/12 if we do the fresh cycle. My mom and I are here in Colorado and we are trying to learn the details of her death while catching up with long lost relatives and grieving the loss. My mom is very sad to have lost her sister, especially in this way. And I wasn't too close to my aunt, but still I have a lot of emotions to process.

As if cycling at an out of state clinic isn't enough to have on your plate. It's going to be an interesting week.

ER day: Option to convert to fresh? ... DENIED

2009-03-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

I just had a consult with Schooly where I asked him what he thought of us converting to fresh if we only get a handful of mature eggs at retrieval ... he said he thinks he could do a fresh cycle and we would get pregnant ... but he thinks we'd likely miscarry.

I explained to him that I'm concerned that the technology might ruin the eggs (and thus cause the demise of our embies) like it did in our last failure of a cycle and he said that he didn't think it would. He said that if we had just 1 embryo, he'd suggest we move forward with the PBB/CGH genetic testing.

I suggested to him that it seemed that he had better results on fresh cycles than they do on the PBB/CGH cycles so why would anyone opt to do PBB/CGH when they could do fresh? ...

FRESH CYCLES : 2007 SART reports indicate that 40 year olds cycling at CCRM have a 50% chance at clinical pregnancy.

CGH/PBB CYCLES: this group is on average 40 years old and CCRM is reporting a 22% clinical pregnancy rate.
***
Edited to add: 22% success is for PBB/CGH not blastocyst CGH (which has an 84% success rate). These stats are of clinical pregnancy rate and not live birth rate b/c they do not have live birth numbers for this new PBB/CGH technology.

Schooly indicated that you can't compare these two groups. 40 year olds who do PBB/CGH are women who probably should be using donor eggs where as the women who do the fresh cycles aren't at the stage where they need donor eggs yet.

I asked him what his success rate was for pregnancies from frozen oocytes (as this is likely the MOST delicate procedure that could harm the eggs) and he said that their pregnancy rate is the same from vitrified oocytes as it is with fresh oocytes ... the same.

Lastly, he said he wasn't even sure why we were asking this question. He really doesn't anticipate that we will yield a low mature oocyte count. Dr. Schoolcraft said he was confident we would get a lot of eggs - I told him that I'd rather operate in the realities of my life ... get that? Me, I was the one being all stern with bad bedside manners and HE was the one all emotional and optimistic! (This is funny for anyone who's spoken with or met Dr. Schoolcraft ... he's not exactly warm and fuzzy.)

So Berilac and I have until trigger day to decide which technology we will use ... straight fresh IVF or PBB/CGH while vitrifying oocytes.

CCRM Cycle #1 - Starting shots

2009-03-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a big day. And comically enough, I almost accidentally made yesterday the big day. There I was in my dining room, tummy swabbed, Ganirelix pre-filled syringe all cocked and ready to plunge when I thought ... now how much of this am I supposed to take? Turns out I'm supposed to take the whole thing ... but not until TONIGHT!! Dur!!

Happy St. Paddy's day folks! Too bad I'm not Irish (Polly McGamwich :-) and can claim the luck O'the Irish!!!

So, I finished my antibiotics. At CCRM I am doing the EPP/Antagonist protocol (the Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming during the previous luteal phase). I started estrodiol pills 2x daily yesterday and I will take those until AF. I have been taking prometrium 2x daily since ovulation to keep AF at bay. Last night was my last dose, so AF should arrive on Friday. Once AF arrives on Friday, I go in for my local monitoring (baseline ultrasound) on Saturday. Tonight I start 1 of 3 nightly Ganirelix shots. When AF arrives - that sets the cycle dates and I can buy our plane tickets. If all goes according to schedule, I start stims on Sunday morning.

Unfortunately, Berilac can't join me in Denver the whole time from 3/26 to 4/5. So I've asked one of my parents to come. My mom will be joining me from 3/26 to 3/31. And Berilac will fly in the night before ER (likely 4/1). I am SOOOO incredibly grateful to Daisy's parents who are graciously and generously putting the three of us up from 3/26 to 4/3ish. Then we will spend the weekend of 4/4-4/5 with Berilac's aunt!

As I mentioned in my last post - the plan for this cycle is to do the stimulation and retrieval and wait 6-8 weeks for genetic test results on the eggs. However, I have asked CCRM that if we only get 6 or fewer mature eggs at ER, can we convert to a fresh cycle? My thinking was that if we get 6 or fewer "testable" eggs then the numbers are so small it's not worth going to genetic testing. We would be lucky if 6 mature eggs yielded a 75-80% fertilization rate (4-5 embryos) and we would be lucky to expect a 50% blastocyst growth rate - so only 2-3 would make it to day 5. I am comfortable transferring 2-3 blasts (and I think it would be highly unlikely to GET 2-3 blasts from 6 eggs) ... but I know for certain I would feel regretful (as I did with the monkey clinic) ... if we could assume at least 1 egg was normal from a handful of eggs retrieved and rather than fertilizing the few we have, to lose all of them because of a sensitive testing and freezing process ... would again be so devastating. If I had more eggs to work with, it wouldn't be so scary.

So if CCRM is in agreement, there is a chance this could turn into a fresh cycle. And if that is the case, I would pray for a 5 day transfer and return home around 4/9 ish rather than 4/5. So really, if CCRM is ok with this plan, then I'm in a win-win situation! Here's hoping they can accommodate me.

I feel so informative in these last couple of posts, so lack luster. Honestly, I am excited to be going to CCRM now, getting my monetary savings, getting CCRM behind me sooner rather than later. I know that CCRM is an amazing clinic - and likely one of the very best, but I'm not thinking that this is our meal ticket. I'm just going through the motions, glad to be moving forward. I'm a little indifferent about the outcome, I'm just grateful that I have this opportunity. I guess a good phrase for my current situation is comfortably numb. I'm not doomsday and dark about the experience, I'm not scared. I'm just doing the next right thing. I am hopeful that we can do a fresh cycle, so we can go to transfer and leave Colorado ... not having to come back. I want CCRM behind me. Is that strange?

There were SO MANY expectations on my transfer in January. I guess that's what you get when you look forward to something and build it up for a year. In retrospect, I wouldn't have set myself up like that! (Heck, maybe that's why I'm numb going into this?) I would have had lower expectations. It's a safety mechanism I guess.

All said, I've got a lot of peace right now. I have been avoiding blogging and obsessive message board activity because life has been more interesting. I have spent the last couple of months enjoying my work, getting into a couple of good TV series on DVD, and just enjoying life. Friends have even mentioned a change in my demeanor. So I guess all the wound licking and catching my breath has served me well. I am grateful to God for this respite and I look forward to seeing what He does in the upcoming ... weeks, months, and years.

As for now ... let's get this party started!!

All systems go ...

2009-03-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately. As many of you know, when you get kicked in the gut, you usually stay down for a bit to recover your breath ... looks like it's taken me 6 weeks to catch it.

***

Well, if all goes according to plan, I will be cycling in Colorado in less than 3 weeks.

I have hesitated to post any updates as things have been so fluid, not knowing if we were going to head to Colorado this month, next month, or if we'd have to wait until May. If AF stays at bay until 3/20 (I'm on Prog supps, 400mg/day) then all should go smoothly.

I head out to Colorado on 3/26, with an estimated retrieval date of 4/2. I will stay through until 4/5. This cycle will be similar to the last cycle: we will retrieve eggs, biopsy them, vitrify them, send the biopsied portion off to another lab for genetic testing, then in 6-8 weeks when we get the results we will only fertilize the eggs that prove "normal" in genetic competency. It looks like our next attempt at pregnancy will be end of May/beginning of June. You ask why would I attempt again what just resulted in a huge embarrassing failure back in January? Read more to find out ...

Ok, it's been awhile ... let me catch you up:

1. Planned a February injects cycle at local University clinic: The second I found out about our negative beta, I called the local University Clinic and asked them if I could cycle there (if you remember they consulted for me back in October). I knew that CCRM would make me wait until an LH surge, but I knew the University clinic (NOT the monkey clinic) would allow me to do an injects cycle at AF. I could not stand the idea of waiting one more month (when we'd waited nearly 12) to execute our last attempt at pregnancy (we waited from Feb 2008 to Jan 2009 to do an embryo transfer ... the patience that took was outstanding). I even set up a new cycle at the University clinic before doing a cycle post mortem with the monkey clinic or a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft to see what he thought of the whole January fiasco.

2. Had a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft: I scheduled a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft - a cycle review if you will (of a cycle at another clinic! How ballsy was that?) to review what happened during the January cycle. If you remember, we had our three best eggs fertilized with our 3 best sperm and we had two embryos that arrested at 24 hours and the third that was getting a failing grade by day 3. Dr. Schoolcraft basically said - he thinks the January failure was caused by a lab error. He said it did not make sense that a girl who has gotten pregnant four times (note: embryos have gotten to the blast stage in all four natural attempts at pregnancy) should have her best embryos arrest at day 1. Makey-no-sensy. He said that there are many points of breakdown and considering how consistent the results were - he believes that something broke. I asked the big scary question: "will you still cycle me?" he said "absolutely, the January cycle does not detour him in any way, and I shouldn't let it discourage me" ... that's what he said verbatim. It was at that time that I cancelled the aforementioned local University clinic injects cycle and decided to wait until LH surge for a CCRM cycle.

3. Failed cycle "post-mortem" with monkey clinic: So what do you think they blamed the failure of the cycle on? If you said "Polly," you're correct. The bastard blamed it on me. Can you believe this? The afternoon of the first negative pregnancy test I asked how to wean off of the Dexamethazone (as my WBC on my CBC were going up and Dex can cover over an infection). They told me that I couldn't wean and I needed to continue the meds until the second [NEGATIVE] pregnancy test - as it could turn into a positive test ... um, yeah, I'm smarter than that. So I told them that I skipped a dose of Dex between the first and second negative pregnancy tests and they said that we'll never know if that caused the lack of pregnancy. (Meanwhile: they've told me MANY times that they give enough drugs that if a girl accidentally forgets to take 1 of them 1 day - that it won't adversely affect the cycle ... but I guess not in this case). Liars. They had us retake our AMH, as I didn't share with them my CCRM values (they think it's been 3/08: 1.0, 11/08: 4.2). They think that we should do the ridiculous poor responder protocol, which we've failed at twice over now ... unless my AMH stays elevated. Then, in that case, they will reconsider a new plan. Whatev, I'm moving on.

4. Waiting for my LH surge to schedule CCRM trip: So considering that the cycle following a failed FET should be similar to a "normal" cycle, I should have surged on 2/12 and was planning on going to Denver around 3/2. Well, come 3/2, I still hadn't even LH surged (ovulated) ... so I finally did (but that lined up with a schedule in Denver that I couldn't make) so eventually, I asked to be put on Prog supps, which extends out luteal phase - which in turn allowed me to get a CCRM schedule that works for me.

So we're all systems go ... unless we hear from AF.

In my next posts perhaps I'll bring you up to date on the emotional and spiritual aspects of these last 6 weeks ... I'm still catching my breath.

Heartache

2009-02-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

I found myself sobbing yesterday for my dear friend Brenda. Who has just completed her closure cycle with a negative pregnancy test. Although Brenda and I live in the same state, we certainly do not live near each other. I have followed Brenda's story for years, and I finally got a chance to meet her (and her husband) in person in October of last year at CCRM in Colorado.

I have wanted this so badly for her, but now my heart is broken. I know that she will begin a new journey in light of this, and that this is not the end of the road for her, but it definitely is a huge loss - one that deserves much attention, grief, consoling, and compassion.

If you're able, head over to her blog and give her some much needed comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

My blog's namesake

2009-01-26T15:47:00.000-08:00

This video is quite intimate.

I thought about not sharing it, but then I realized, that this is **why** I started blogging about our infertility in the first place - to help get the word out there that infertility affects a lot of people and it's extremely painful.

(Ok, let me interrupt to say - no, they did not pick a very flattering still for me, now did they? Argh! My 15 minutes of fame and I've got the ugly cry ... great!)

This excerpt is from my October 2008 New Life Weekend, when I originally posted these words, I just shared the words, but here I post my heart.

At the end of the weekend they asked the attendees to write a letter about what the weekend meant to them, during the weekend I really wanted to get unstuck from dealing with the idea that my husband and I might never have children, here I share how the weekend impacted me:

New Life Weekend: Wise Old Man from New Life TV on Vimeo.

I think the hardest part about watching this video for me is knowing that back then I was under the impression that I only had a very short window of opportunity to conceive - thinking that I was quickly headed to POF. Now, given that my mom went through menopause at age 36, it's still very likely that I could go into menopause prematurely, but given that CCRM has told me that my AMH is very high - it's likely I won't go into early menopause ... and the end of this roller coaster is nowhere in sight. I was kind of looking forward to a limited window of suffering.

But in reality, I too can make a decision to close that window and end the suffering - I'm not passive, it doesn't have to "happen" to me.

The door is not shut yet, Berilac and I have talked about it and prayed about it, and we spent some time talking with Dr. Schoolcraft about the results of our most recent huge embarrassing failure of a cycle ... Next stop: Denver. I will join the ranks of the infertile elite and cycle at CCRM.

I guess I'm not getting that minivan, huh?

Officially negative

2009-01-19T19:29:00.000-08:00

I can't begin to describe what the past 9 days have been like. For the first few I wasn't even able to answer phone calls, much less talk to anyone. I cancelled all my plans and just sat on the couch staring at the TV. It wasn't until I needed to get back to work 4 days after the transfer that I finally took a shower.

My emotions have ranged from despair to anger (notice that there's no hope on that scale of emotions ... yes, luckily I took Anniep's suggestion of dealing with the poor results sooner rather than later - and that really helped me to cope with today's call) I had no idea this journey would take me down these roads emotionally. I never knew life could be so tasteless, so sad, so dark. I honestly can't tell you one thing, one activity that brings me joy - I think this is depression.

We took a blood pregnancy test today and it came out with the big goose-egg, so we appreciate your prayers but I guess there isn't one who is righteous among you ;-) just kiddin'. For those of you that don't understand what this means - this cycle has officially ended with a negative pregnancy test.

I am angry with God and I'm really doubting my ability to hear Him. I feel like we have weighed every decision against the Word, I feel like we have prayed, sought wise counsel, and let our community in to share the burden with us. We have purposefully made decisions that were not selfish nor in our best interest to have a baby (or seven) but rather we chose to honor God and make choices that would keep our integrity in tact.

When a woman has had a miscarriage she is encouraged to wait 3 cycles before trying again - we could have been impatient and started the very next cycle - but 4 times we didn't.
When we had 7 mature follicles in an injects/IUI cycle we were at risk for a high order multiples pregnancy - some women would still proceed with the cycle and do selective reduction of fetuses in order to bring the count down to "tolerable" number ... we cancelled the expensive and emotionally trying cycle to avoid this.
When 4 specialists agreed that the solution to our fertility problems was to use genetic testing on embryos we declined and did our research - finding a very expensive, very time-consuming treatment (genetic testing on oocytes) that didn't give us the best chance - but it allowed us to address some of our problem, while at the same time allowing us to sleep at night with our decision.
When we just wanted to move forward with pregnancy attempts - we took a step back, knowing that the genetic testing on oocytes would take the better part of a year. Rather than jumping back into the process like we wanted to - we exercised patience, a year of it. (Seriously, you'd be hard pressed to find a woman who is trying to conceive that would willingly wait a year to attempt pregnancy - ok, unless she had faced a molar pregnancy but in that case she risks getting cancer if she tries before a year is up.)

For the last 9 days I've been asking God "why?" ... I have been battling with the rationale that if I do everything right then God will give us a baby ... but that's just not true. If God is going to bless us with children, it will be in His time and in His way.

But I still wonder why the heck we went down this long (albeit seemingly pointless!) road. Berilac and I don't know the answer to that but what we do know is that we have incredible peace about the decisions we've made thus far and we are humbled that we have chosen to honor God when the temptation is so great to try to take this situation into our own hands.

When God says no, the Word indicates that the response is to praise Him while we continue waiting. We believe that our actions thus far and our attitudes - are praise to Him! So now we breath in and out, put one foot in front of the other, keep on marching ... and see what tomorrow brings.

Oh, and thank you so much for the many, many comments on our last post. They were inspiring and brought tears to my eyes on so many of these past 9 days where I could hardly move. Thank you for your love and encouragment, thank you for your prayers.

Ah, disappointment ... my old friend.

2009-01-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

I was wondering how long my streak would last. I would say it's horrible and painful, but sadly it's just strangely familiar.

We will not have to worry about triplets, and we won't even have to worry about twins, we do have to wonder if we will even get pregnant this cycle - and if we do, if we'll just end up miscarrying again.

Instead of having 3 embryos of varying quality today, we only had 1 poor quality embryo.

Ideally, we would have had 3 6-8 cell embryos and instead 2 of our little babies arrested at the 2PN stage (in other words, they did not develop since Thursday - NOT AT ALL). They will allow those little ones to develop until day 6 and if they cleave at all they will freeze them for us, but if they don't (and they very likely won't) they will just remain arrested (dead). We are so sad about losing these 2 little ones.

So what we do have is 1 embryo. And yes, I know "it only takes one" but our 1 embryo only has 5 cells, when it should have 6-8, it is graded a 3 on a scale of 1-4, 1 being the best. The embryo has 50% fragmentation and it's GES score is 50 out of 100. Today we transferred back 1 poor quality embryo. From the research I've seen, there is an 8.8% chance of implantation (getting a positive pregnancy test) but I've had lots of those with little results. The data doesn't reveal anything about live birth rate when transferring an embryo like this - my guess is, it's not good. I guess it's a good thing we played it safe with a day 3 transfer, huh? (And yet another strike for monkey shop RE).

The one redeeming quality is that this embryo was derived from one of the CGH normal eggs - so that's good.

Here is our poor little embryo:

For those of you not sure what you're looking at, here's what our little embryo should have looked like today:

I'm feeling very tempted to just emotionally move on - so as not to go through a huge down if we don't get pregnant or end up having another miscarriage. I'm not trying to "think positive," I'm trying to not be entirely negative. Oh yeah, and the other "positive" thought I had today was "at least we have more information" (that's always what RE's say when women get bad news) but then I realized that I'm more confused now, than I was before.

The thing that I don't get is how in the world we've been able to get pregnant naturally EVERY MONTH WE'VE ATTEMPTED if we:

can barely retrieve any eggs in an egg retrieval cycle

come up short on number of "normal" eggs

have 2/3's of our embryos (derived from NORMAL eggs!!) arrest before they even get a chance to implant - we get pregnant with abnormal embryos naturally, how come they lived long enough to survive the fallopian tubes and make it to the uterus??

have a very poor quality embryo with high levels of fragmentation only 3 days after conception

HOW IN THE WORLD HAVE WE BEEN GETTING PREGNANT?

Oh well, all I can do now is lay around on bedrest. And let me tell you that changing into my pj's at 11AM and crawling into a warm bed in a dark hotel room ... seemed like a great place to start dealing with my sadness. This will definitely not help me avoid depression ... great.

If God wants this to be successful - He will certainly need to pull out a miracle.

I wish I had better news for you today.

Tomorrow's the big day!

2009-01-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

When I called Berilac and told him the fert report yesterday the first words out of his mouth were: "congratulations mommy!" and then he asked ... "are we having triplets?"

Sadly, the answer is almost certain to be no. Some stats:

50% of embryos derived from CGH normal eggs will not survive to day 5.
10% of CGH normal eggs are not, in fact, actually normal
The inconclusive egg has a 50/50 shot at being normal.
There is a chance that the sperm selected were not genetically normal.
There is a 1-2% chance for triplets when you transfer 3 day 3 embryos.
25% of day 3 embryos make it to live baby.

But who knows? God is in control and He's bigger than numbers ... if you have a doubt, check out what my AMH was in March and then see how much it grew by October!

Last night when Berilac announced his arrival home he shouted: "daddy's home!" It was so cute! We both were in awe last night just thinking about the fact that we have 3 little babies up in Sacramento. Their gender, hair color, predispositions ... all already determined. Our little ones are waiting for us!

We talked a bit about how many we're planning to transfer and from what I understand we will have very little time to make the decision. They will tell us how many we have and at what growth stage they are at ... and we are conducting the transfer within 15 mins of learning this information ... at least, I think that's true??

I just hope that Berilac doesn't cave when the monkey shop RE suggests we only transfer 1 embryo ... yeah, those babies are best off in my womb ... so hand them over!

Tomorrow's schedule:
7:00AM: McDonald's breakfast (some ladies swear by this practice - greasy foods help the embryos stick!)
8:00AM: Arrive at clinic for transfer prep
8:30AM: pre-transfer Acupuncture
9:00AM: TRANSFER!
9:30AM: post-transfer Acupuncture
10:00AM: hang out, lying flat for a bit.

Then we head to our nearby hotel for 48 hours of bedrest, complemented with fresh pineapple ... if you don't know about this, don't ask and if you do ... I've been waiting for months to chow down on some pineapple - so although I know it's a bunch of baby dust heresay (although there *is* a bit of truth to it) ... I want my pineapple!

In the afternoon sometime, I'll let you know how our very first transfer went. Here's hoping those little babies will get all tucked away for a long 10 month nap.

Operation Fertilization ... Successful!

2009-01-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yep, you read that right ... Praise God!

All three eggs successfully fertilized and today we are the proud parents to three little zygotes (2PN status) ... and it gets better ... they have all developed just past that point and have released their second polar body. (Basically this means that they are further along in their development then they should be - which from all the research I've done, is much better news than worse news).

Our three little em-babies will be tucked safely away in their incubators until Saturday morning where we will get an update on their progress. We should have three nicely developing embryos to transfer on Saturday.

Berilac and I are beside ourselves with joy.

Last night, I sent a prayer request email to many friends and family (and many blog friends too) and the response was overwhelming - this journey really makes you feel isolated and today I feel surrounded ... so thank you for your prayers, your love, and your support.

Between now and Saturday we need to decide how many to transfer and tomorrow, since I won't have any embryo development news to share, I'll share our thoughts.

Thank you again for your overwhelming out pour of love.

***

And as a side note: it feels so nice to finally report good news - wow is it different. I hope this trend continues.

Operation Thaw ... Successful!

2009-01-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

Word on the street is ... that all three of our eggs survived thaw!!

YIPPEE!!!

And all 3 were successfully inseminated with ICSI.

The collection this morning went well (obviously) and tomorrow we find out how many actually fertilize and have a chance at life.

Berilac and I are both thrilled.

Please continue to pray for our three little ones.

No drama today

2009-01-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness - I exhaust myself.

We are doing a day 3 transfer on Saturday morning at 8:30AM. And I am so happy (and relieved) to have that decision behind me ... now all I have to do is make the decision on how many to put back! Though, I think the decision will be made for me (meaning not all will survive to day 3 so I'll put them all back) and even if all 3 did survive, I'm thinking we'll just put them all back. We've been praying about it for awhile now and through the chaos, we just want to give them all the best chance at life ... right there in my sporty little uteri.

We head up to Sacramento tomorrow for a little lovin' quickly followed by some egg defrosting and egg fertilization (or so we hope). I know that tomorrow we will learn how many eggs survive thaw but we won't find out until Thursday how many fertilize. I am not even going to ASK what time of day I can expect the call - because then I'll stress out when they miss their deadline, I'd rather just be pleasantly surprised when I get a call. (or at least I hope it's pleasant news!)

***warning, it gets a bit technical here - for those who are interested (aka in the same boat!)***

Today I had an appointment with a Hematologist. I start Lovenox tonight.

So now I'm on: Levothyroxine (for my Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism), Dexamethasone, Cipro, Folgard, Prenatal Omega-3's, Prenatal vitamins, twice weekly Delestrogen IM shots, this morning was my last day of Lupron (yippee!) and tomorrow night I start the daily dreaded intramuscular shots of PIO!

The Hematologist was a nice lady. She put me on 40 units of Lovenox for prophylactic purposes (so what is it, a placebo?) and she confirmed that I need only take 2.2 mg of Folgard. She told me I did NOT need baby aspirin in addition to the Lovenox and she had me re-do my APA panel (as there have been new tests added to it for recurrent loss since 7/07) she wants me to do recurring CBC's to make sure my platelet counts are under control while I'm on the Lovenox and she will not run Level Xa's on me.

***ok, jargon officially over***

I'm starting to get excited. I realized the other day that I have to start pretending like I'm pregnant soon - you know, no alcohol, no caffeine, no soft cheeses, eating all-organic, etc, etc. Starting as soon as tomorrow, but definitely by Saturday. I can't believe it's actually here. I so pray that everything goes smoothly and we find ourselves with 3 perfect embryos come Saturday morning!

You don't have an "oh shit" plan?

2009-01-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

Yes, I swore ... that is how pissed off I am.

(But before I get onto the rant of the day, can I just ask ... did you not like my last post because I was being much more playful than I have been in the past few months and you weren't used to it ... or are you all really thin and it's just easier to say nothing than ... geez, too bad I can't relate! Really, it doesn't matter this latest cycle incident has got me moved on to bigger and better!)

Back to my foul language ... I had to swear ... what kind of monkey shop are they running? I am referring to my Sacramento clinic. This morning Berilac and I got up at 5:15AM to head up to Sacramento at 5:30AM. We got into town at 8AM and had plenty of time for breakfast before our 9AM ultrasound/bloodwork appointment.

Everything was going just swimmingly - the phlebotomist only had to take one puncture to find and retrieve the blood specimen (most labs take 2 if not 3 pokes before the well gushes) then we headed into our ultrasound to learn that my endometrium needs to be at least 8mm to proceed, and mine was a beautiful 10mm with that sought after triple stripe - yay!

We had an opportunity to meet with the doctor to discuss the advantages/disadvantages of day 3 vs. day 5 transfer because although we were originally leaning toward doing a day 5 transfer ... we've since read an article by Dr. Sher that indicated that perhaps day 3 was better (not to worry, I sent my doctor Dr. Sher's article as I was telling him that we were now leaning toward a day 3 transfer vs. a day 5 transfer). When the doctor sat us down he told me that he never actually read the article I forwarded him and he presented me with other documents by Dr. Sher and Dr. Keskintepe (which is fine) but he explained why he thought we should do a day 5 transfer over a day 3 transfer (embryos survive better in lab culture than a uterus when they are day 3 because the natural environment for them is not the uterus but the fallopian tubes, as well, the natural killer cells [they sound dangerous] will have less of chance to develop if you wait to transfer, blah-blah-blah) ... ultimately he told us we could do a day 3 transfer if we insist, but that he recommends a day 5 transfer.

Well thank you doctor for your wisdom, I'll log that away.

They were ready to escort us out when I requested a "further instructions" meeting with my nurse coordinator - you see my calendar ends today, with my ultrasound and bloodwork and in the little box marked January 5th it says "expect further instructions" ... so I wasn't about to leave without the promise of those much needed instructions.

We weren't surprised when (even after waiting 15 minutes) when we sat down at our nurse coordinators desk and she turned the screen around to show us our updated calendar - it had NO NEW data on it at all ... so we sat there with the nurse while she typed in each line of change. But before she could complete our calendar she needed to know if we were planning on a day 3 transfer or a day 5 transfer? We, of course, having only received information from our doctor minutes earlier, hadn't yet decided if we wanted a day 3 or day 5 transfer. So she told us that she couldn't provide us with medication dosing/instruction until we picked a day. So of course I got frustrated and confrontational asking her if she thought **I** was supposed to plan the cycle or if we would allow the development of the embryos to dictate the plans (as that seems like a better idea, don't you think?)

The nurse had no idea what I was talking about.

I tried explaining it to her a few times asking her if we could hope for the best (day 5 transfer) and plan for the worst (day 3 transfer) ... ultimately she needed to check with someone else via phone and their collective response back was "no" ... we need to decide if we're doing day 3 or day 5.

So I had her call her accomplice into the room, so that I could speak (condescend) to both of them at the same time. And I did it ... I dropped the S-bomb ... me. I said to her: you see we'd like to plan for a day 5 transfer and if on day 3 we learn that we only have 1 surviving embryo, then it's time for the "oh shit" plan ... meaning "oh shit, what do we do? we only have 1 embryo??!?" ... well, in that case (and many, MANY women have been in this situation and have opted for the day 3 transfer when the day 5 transfer just wasn't attainable) my clinic says .... we can't do that.

So basically - they have no "Oh shit" plan ... again I ask ... what kind of monkey shop are you running here?

Berilac and I spent 2 hours driving home and talking about "all we had learned" (read: listened to more inconsistent infertility B.S. from doctor who wants to do things his way, so ultimately we gathered no real data) at our appointment and how we can't believe that before move forward with fertilizing eggs - we have to decide which day we will be transferring.

We have NEVER fertilized an egg in vitro ... how the HELL am I supposed to know what the quality will be?

How am I supposed to know that if I transfer on day 3 I won't be:
-putting us at risk for high order multiples?
-risking the embryos as they really should be in the fallopian tubes and not in my uterus so the dish was a better environment?

Or if I elect to transfer on day 5, how do I know that I won't be:
-killing our embryos because they were too fragile for life in the petrie dish, but not the womb?

Why do I have to make this decision? Other women don't seem to have to???

If you couldn't tell, I'm sufficiently pissed and ready to get some real help from a real clinic ... does anyone wonder why CCRM will be our next stop?

Thanks for any words of wisdom.

Back fat

2009-01-04T21:26:00.000-08:00

... now is that one word or two?

Back fat ... seriously, a majorly dreaded female reality ... unless of course you're really thin.

Now, I myself am on the border between thin and normal, but these days, I know back fat.

When I got pregnant the first time, I was at my all time high in terms of weight. That was the pregnancy that lasted the longest - so maybe there's something to be said for that. In April my company had a health faire where they measured (among other things) your percentage of body fat ... and the guy told me I was on the border between thin and normal and I could stand to gain a few pounds. A couple of egg retrievals later and I'm no longer on the border of being too thin - heck no, not with the back fat I'm sporting!!

Since April, I know that I had been gaining weight, the scale doesn't lie. And I know that IVF cycles will essentially shove your body into early menopause (thus bringing your metabolism to a shrieking halt!) but it has been awhile (well before the holidays) that I braved a scale ... so I wasn't entirely sure how much I'd gained.

But the other day, when I was slothfully laying around in my pj's, during my ample time off from work, I rolled over on the couch and noticed that something was still lodged underneath me, and that something ... was ME! In the form of a roll of my back fat.

It was frightening.

Since then I've been checking the neck roll. You see, last time I was heavier (really, I'm not heavy, I'm just heavier than I'm used to being) I earned this roll at the back of my neck, when I would tilt my head back in the shower to wash or rinse my hair, I would feel a roll on my neck, that, when properly manuvered would pop!! And turn from being a roll high up on my neck - to one lower down. If this doesn't make any sense to you ... then thank your lucky stars! And just forget I mentioned it ... if it does, know that I've been on the prowl for the neck roll for awhile now too.

And with the holidays and lots of yummy foods, combined with weeks of birth control pills, delestrogen IM's, lupron shots and specific instructions NOT to diet while on this cycle ... combined with TWO WEEKS off of work and minimal amount of effort to get off the couch (ok, except to rent more movies) ... I was so afraid to head to the gym this morning and get on that scale.

But the back fat under my all too tight bra inspired me.

I was surprised to see that I'm not even close to my all time weight high ... and instead I haven't gained but 1 pound since October ... a Christmas miracle ... but I am still a bit afraid of turning around in the mirror or adjusting my too tight bra (for fear I feel the roll with my own two fingers - heck, I'd rather live in denial!) and so I pray that this transfer works and I can just glide into "gaining weight for the baby" without having to worry about needing to get a new bra because of my fat from lack of bodily care, rather than pregnancy ... otherwise, you can bet I'm jumping back into my old workout and diet routine to drop 10 lbs quick style if this cycle fails. If I can't be successfully pregnant, at least I'll be hot.

Yes, it's good to know where my priorities lie.

Here's to 2009

2009-01-01T15:37:00.001-08:00

If Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't hard enough ... let's throw New Year's in to the mix as well.

I remember last year at this time, we were 3 miscarriages down, in the middle of our "first" injectibles cycle. I thought for sure this was going to be our cycle. I was on 25-75iu/Follistim per day and I was developing 9 growing follicles. My doctor lowered the amount and I coasted - taking 17 days of stims to ultimately produce 1 mature follicle. We discovered we were pregnant in mid January, and by late January we had experienced miscarriage number 4. I thought for sure 2008 could not be as bad as 2007 was, what with 3 miscarriages in our pocket. But I was wrong. 2008 started off with a miscarriage and ended up being nothing but rough.

I had no idea when I signed up for fertility preservation in early 2008 (in order to do CGH testing on my oocytes) that the process would take a year! Naively I hoped that I could cycle in April, June, and August, and attempt a transfer during the August cycle or at the latest - the September cycle! Now, here I am in January, a year later, with only 2 retrievals under my belt (instead of the three we signed up for!) and poised and ready to go to CCRM if this transfer doesn't work.

The waiting has been painful.

I can't believe that in less than a week we fertilize. We are hopefully only a few days away from transfer ... TRANSFER! I can't even express how exciting and frightening this all is. I was talking with my therapist about it and we agreed that indifference (and letting go) is a good place for me right now. The stress and questioning does me no good.

So yes, you read that right earlier ... if this cycle doesn't work, we have already paid for a freeze all cycle at CCRM which we will do as soon as possible ... if this cycle doesn't work (which will be nice to rebound into, but more so, we'll get the tax benefit in 2008) but if this cycle does work, then we get our money back ... and let me say, it's A LOT of money ... let's just say this: it's more money than I would spend on a car. Heck, if this cycle does work, we'll spend the refund on a car!!

I get so scared to get excited about 2009. I feel so stupid for ever thinking that 2008 could be better than 2007 or 2006, so I don't want to embarrass myself by thinking that maybe, just maybe this year will be different. But on the other side of the coin, I think of how we're attempting a transfer that really has a lot of potential for success. And if it doesn't work, then we're headed to CCRM for a closure cycle. From there we move on to perhaps embryo adoption?? or the like ... all of these options are expensive yes, but really they are all very successful options for the most part ... perhaps 2009 won't be so bad.

And if in all of these avenues, God decides not to bless us with children, the hubby and I will run away ... literally. If we find ourselves at the end of fertility treatments, without children, we'll need to get AWAY to really think about whether adoption or living childfree is for us. (See this is where I get caught up in the worrying ... I'm already thinking about the end of 2009 and it's only day 1).

I know you might think it's premature for us to be thinking about this ... but these discussions started in early 2008. There's only so much of this we can take. There is a limit to how much loss and disappointment my heart can handle and I have no shame about running if that's what it comes to. I'll go and live out all of the dreams that those who have children - can only fantasize about!

So although 2009 will likely be filled with pain and difficulty there are a couple of ways this ship can steer (and probably more I can't even comprehend right now) so really, 2009 can't look *that* bad, right?

(with much timidity) ... here's to 2009! Let's hope it gets off to a good start.

Surrender

2008-12-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

I thought for sure that going into a transfer after the retrievals we've been through, would be exciting. I am not excited.

I thought that I'd be glad that the time is over for super ovulating, getting eggs, waiting, getting test results, only to repeat. I'm not.

I thought I'd be hopeful that this time (this time!) it will work. I really could use your hope.

I know that God has a plan and a purpose for my life. Maybe I'm lucky that I know that, maybe I seem arrogant ... I don't mean to. My purpose is to bloom where I am planted and to love those around me with Christ's love ... that's it. I ain't no Billy Graham. I'm just me. When you think about it, it's kind of a nice purpose because it's easily transferrable. (E.g., If my purpose in life were being an amazing tennis star - that would near end when my knees gave out). I know that God has used this season in my life. I know that He is preparing me for things to come. I know that God has molded and changed me only because I have experienced the pain of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility. This, I know.

I know that in the end (however you define 'the end') God has my best in mind. I know that He is infinite and I am finite and I cannot know His ways. I know that He will turn all things to good for those who love Him. I know that our God is a redemptive God and that He will restore what the locusts have eaten.

However, I have to keep telling myself that He loves me and that He is not punishing me - the area of worth, that is where I struggle. I have to keep telling myself that I'm not a huge disappointment to Him thinking that that is why He's allowed us to lose 4 babies.

I think of this upcoming pregnancy opportunity and I try to make sense of all of these truths, thoughts, and feelings. I want to believe that this will be successful, but I wonder if it will. I've been here before, 4 times ... I know how my story has always ended in the past. I know that now we have the best of the best and that God is in control (and I'm not and the doctors aren't) and that if we don't get successfully pregnant that God still loves me ... but if it doesn't work, I'm not sure how I'll react - I simply cannot imagine it.

It's still just hard to be hopeful in light of repeated past experiences. I believe in God's goodness, but I've experienced a lot of disappointment in Him. That's hard to reconcile.

I think of how I'll be in X weeks - will I be elated and fearful or will I be depressed and hurting? It's like a speech or a really important test that you've anticipated in life ... I know that in X number of days it'll all be over and there's nothing I can do (besides prepare) to change the outcome. It will be over.

I can't imagine this cycle working and I can't imagine it not working. I still just pray that it will work, but am terrified that it won't.

I have no idea what's going on, I have no control over what's going on ... all I can do is surrender.

But that's easier said than done.

Anybody wanna take my place? Do this for me? I'm scared.

***

Edited to add: I have no idea how you ladies who have been through failed fresh or frozen cycles have gone through this. I admire you.

A sigh of relief

2008-12-17T14:35:00.001-08:00

In late July I had my annual womanly appointment. Everything went quite well. In late August we completed our near train wreck of a retrieval cycle.

A few weeks later I found a lump - a lump in my breast.

Of course, I started scouring the Internet trying to learn about the connection between fertility medication and breast cancer. I was freaked out, but was trying to maintain my cool.

I emailed my OB/GYN and she agreed to see me right away. She confirmed the lump and sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound. When I got to radiology to schedule the appointments, they scheduled the ultrasound but denied me the mammogram because their radiology department makes it a policy not to do them on women under 35 - due to breast tissue density.

Anybody see the recent Oprah where Christina Applegate discussed her breast cancer and double mastectomy? Yeah, this was all coming down for me right about then.

I had had a fertility cycle where they super ovulated me and they only got 1 lousy egg ... and now because of the need for these treatments - I might have cancer? It was a rough patch, but these days I'm used to a little drama.

I finally got to do the ultrasound and as I'm putting my clothes back on the tech barged in and handed me a green slip with the word "normal" on it ... she said, "see you again when you're 40," and that was it.

Luckily, I have a friend who is a general surgeon (I know, sounds like I hob nob, doesn't it? I don't.) He suggested that when you find a lump you should have three forms of confirmation that things are ok, and that it wasn't alright that the radiology department did not follow through on doctor's orders for the mammogram. He said that if I was still concerned, it would be best to request a referral to a breast surgeon and so I did.

This morning I had the consultation with the breast surgeon and she was so comforting and caring, she was very interested in our entire history and I'll tell you it was quite reassuring that on the questionnaire they make you fill out for a lump consult ... that it doesn't ask you about your fertility medication usage (which would imply that they believe it's a risk factor - a topic for a whole other post!) though it did ask about miscarriages and age of menarche and a whole slew of reproductive questions that kind of surprised me (but I guess not, when you consider that infertiles, or women that choose not to have babies, have a higher risk of reproductive cancers).

Ok, anyhow ... she did another exam, she affirmed what I had found. She reviewed the ultrasound with me and explained why it looked "normal". She affirmed that I took the right steps to being cautious, and she scheduled a follow up in 6-8w just to ease my comfort. She says she sees many women each week who are in the middle of fertility cycles who come in with complaints of breast lumps - she said the meds can temporarily cause them. I was reassured and yet I wasn't. She said that the lump is in a critical breast feeding location and *when* I get to breastfeed, I will need that section of my breast; doing a lumpectomy on that area would remove an entire quadrant of my breast!! She indicated that it should go away on it's own as my breasts change through pregnancy and life.

Before she left she let me know that it would be ok to have the 6-8w follow up if I was pregnant, and she told me how encouraged she is that this will be successful for us - the pregnancy I mean. She really didn't see how it couldn't work if we were testing eggs and since I get pregnant so easily ... little does she know that we've also got the greater part of the Bay Area praying for us!

I left this morning's appointment with a sigh of relief and now I'll make peace with my lump ... until it goes away.