Sunday, July 18, 2010

Infertility still hurts

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm not asleep ... insomnia, not the baby. He sleeps like ... well, a baby.

I've been going through my google reader and just catching up on some blogs. And I run into friends that have struggled with infertility for years, still brokenhearted ... gaping holes in their hearts, palpable pain. They are no longer on FF or are no longer blogging, many have turned their blogs private and I'm unsure if asking to be invited only pains them more.

I miss these women. My heart aches for these women.

Although we've won the battle. The shrapnel of infertility is still buried deep. I feel like I've left my fellow soldiers in the trenches and it pains me deeply.

Can anybody relate?

13 comments:

  1. Oh sweet Polly I can completely relate! I feel horrible for all of my IF friends who are still in the midst of their battles. I often wonder how/why I got to be one of the lucky ones and so many others are left behind. It's just one of the many ways in which IF is so unfair. I think we've both had our share of battle wounds and have earned our medals of honor, but its still hard to see so many others still fighting the battle. I think that once you've battled IF you never forget it. I also think that we have a sense of gratitude for the gifts we've been given that others who haven't struggled don't have. Anyway I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. IF still hurts me too. ((HUGS))

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  2. I can relate. You have "Survivor's Guilt." I've had it too.

    But it's an awful place to be. You, Polly, cried endlessly and felt searing pain for a very long time. Nothing was a picnic for you and your end result came after epic effort.

    Others, like me, had to lose their genetic link to reach their goals (hopefully, I'll get to the finish this time). So I don't exactly think it was a walk in the park for us either.

    And there are those of us who choose adoption, donor embryos, donor sperm, fostering, multiple surgeries and painful procedures.

    No one seems to be getting out of this with only a minor speed bump to hurdle.

    I remember when Christina (Retro Girl) was reluctant to post her end story because of the guilt. That made me far more sad.

    We may all feel that sting when an IF sister achieves the goal but I believe we ALL feel so truly happy for one another because, after all, it's exactly the happy ending we look forward to as well. I don't want to just hear the misery and then be shielded from the joy - that would inspire more depression.

    Great endings for others can give us hope.

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  3. Sweet Polly. I've missed you. Glad to see that you are posting again, and I know time is tight but I hope you find some time now and again to keep us posted of all the joy in your life. It's not fair there are some still hurting, and I hurt for them and with them. Like a lot of women, you will probably feel this way for years to come. It means that you have empathy for those who are still struggling and you have an entirely different perspective on parenthood. Hugs, Mama. You have so much to share and I look forward to sharing it with you.

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  4. Polly
    I'm sorry it's still hard. It's funny--yours was a story I followed so so very closely because (and I don't think you'll take this the wrong way) your embryos weren't all perfect and that gave me so, so much hope. I can't tell you how many times I went back and read your posts about your follow up call with your RE where you listed all the details because I thought "see, it can work!" And even though, ultimately, it didn't work for us your story still did shine as one of hope for me in some of my darkest days.
    At any rate, we've moved on to a plan that we're excited about, that we feel called to do, that we feel like is going to bring us the family we desire while staying true to our worldview/philosophy as well.
    None of this is easy though--no matter which 'side' you ultimately end up on.

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  5. I can relate to what you're feeling.

    I have IRL friends as well as blog/online friends who are going through IF. It hurts my heart to hear what they are going through. I know from reading stories like yours and from some other friends that IF treatments can work - that gives me hope for my friends going through it all. At the same time, it IF treatments didn't work for us, so I see both sides of what can happen.

    We are happy that we decided to adopt, but I feel guilty sometimes talking about (and the joy we feel about our daughter) with friends are still dealing with IF.

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  6. Yup. I can completely relate too. It makes it especially difficult now that we're expecting baby #2 and I have a handful of friends still trying for #1. It made it that much more painful to announce it to some.

    I think all we can do is remain compassionate and supportive toward those still fighting. And I pray that the further I travel from IF, that I never forget how painful it can be so that I can still support others.

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  7. I agree with everything Sky said. Even though we've past on to the next chapter, it still hurts to remember what we went through but it particularly hurts to see others still bogged down there. I have this little light of optimism for everyone that the right thing is out there for them to achieve their goal, but that is probably not realistic and it breaks my heart to realize that. I feel so guilty at times and have a hard time sharing my joy in my daughter b/c I still sit in her room as I am putting her to sleep at night and, on occasion, cry for all the joy and love I feel and how close we came to not having her...and that others are still struggling in that place. Its an awful thing.

    I still hate seeing women who accidentally get pregnant or women smoking when they are obviously pregnant. I want to yell at them all. I'm so bad that I want to yell at my SIL who didn't want to have a baby, hates being pregnant, is exercising within an inch of her life, having an early c-section to try to avoid stretch marks (and a plastic surgeon in the room during the c-section) and then going on vacation with her DH 4 weeks after the baby is born. I know she is a sweet, loving person under all of this but part of me kind of hates her for how she is with this baby and resents her when there are others who want this SO BAD out there and would revel in every bodily change and never want to leave their baby's side. It breaks my heart. Not to mention, my concerns for her future daughter...Ugh.

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  8. Hi Polly, You've probably helped more women than you can possibly imagine. I'm an occasional visitor, never posted before--but your blog helped me through a really difficult time in our IF struggles. After 5 yrs, 6 IVF cycles, and 3 m/c, we hit bottom in fall 2008 and were struggling to pull ourselves out. We had a consult at CCRM, and Dr. S gave us a ray of hope with DE, but we were so battle-scarred and trusting any clinic again was difficult. I went looking for other CCRM patients and found your blog. Following your story gave me the courage to try again, albeit slowly. We cycled at CCRM in Jan. and are 26 wks pregnant with a baby girl. The shadows haven't entirely disappeared, but I am so grateful to be standing in sunlight at last. Now I check in to compare notes on pg milestones, and to hear your updates--it's always delightful to hear your good news. I'm doing what I can now to reach out to friends of friends with IF to share our knowledge and help any way I can. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Katy

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  9. Hi Polly. Thanks for checking in on me. Thanks to you, I will try to blog again. :-) Hugs, J

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  10. I thought that I would get my happily ever after, don't get me wrong, I am happy. But it's not the happy that I thought I would feel. I never did any of those things that a "normal" pg woman did - baby shower, shopping for baby stuff, etc. I felt "guilty" and probably always will. It's a sisterhood that connects us to the very core, and I feel so guilty that I've left them. Does that make any sense? There are those that have suffered and endured more than I have, yet they are still chasing after their dreams. Until every single one of us (us as in infertiles) becomes a mother, I think I will still carry this guilt. I don't know.

    PS. Thank you for checking up on me. I've made my other blog private, but if you want to still keep up with me, let me know and I'll gladly add you to the list of readers. :)

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