The NT Scan: A cry of relief

I am so pleased to share that yesterday's NT scan went great! Berilac and I have taken some sighs of relief ... and not to mention, shed a few tears. What a day, what a big day.

At about noon yesterday my mom called, a tad frustrated and concerned that I hadn't called her with the NT results yet!! And then I reminded her that the appointment wasn't for another four hours ... we had to wait until 4:30 in the afternoon! So not only was I on pins and needles the whole day, but it sounds like others were too.

I'm not exactly sure how I got any sleep the night before or made it through the entire day without having a heart attack, but as the time drew closer my attention span moved further and further away. Berilac sped up to my work at 4PM to pick me up for the appointment and it wasn't until then that I realized I had forgotten my paperwork for the appointment ... POLLY!!!! ... I was pretty mad at myself, I had been all anal about making sure I had TWO copies of everything I needed and of course I don't remember either of them. ARGH!

We arrive to the hospital to find that there's a ... $6/hour parking fee ... umm, what? That ain't cool. We got it validated because we had an appointment, but we realized our poor family would have to be paying this fee when the baby is born, come December, in order to visit us ... so not cool! But, the saving grace is that they do have valet parking ... WHAT? And no, I'm not delivering in Beverly Hills ... good grief people!

This office had obviously done this work before ... they were like a well oiled machine. When we walked up to the counter they were expecting me and had my paperwork all ready to go! I had partially filled my bladder (as I'm no novice to this full bladder ultrasound experience!) and waited in the EMPTY waiting room. We were called back in minutes. (It's no wonder they make you pay for parking ... this place is on it!)

The ultrasound tech was a delight. She was an older woman who was sweet and sensitive. She had me lay down on the table and she tilted the whole thing back so that my feet were higher than my head (I guess they are used to uncooperative babies?) she had me scootching all over the table to get in just the right position. When she was squirting loads of gel all over my lower tummy I told her that this was our fifth pregnancy but our first living child, I asked her if she wouldn't mind establishing the heartbeat first. She gave a compassionate smile and responded with "of course."

The ultrasound started and immediately we saw a wiggling, back arching, squirming little baby with a regular heartbeat. The image was AMAZING - we could see EVERYTHING! The ultrasound tech told us what we were looking at with each shot: the heart and it's chambers, the entire spine, the brain and everything they expect to see inside the skull, the rib cage, the fingers and toes, the face and the profile.

She took lots of measurements too: the baby's size, my cervix length, and the nuchal fold. The baby was (as usual) measuring a day ahead, my cervix was nice and long and the nuchal fold came out exactly as it should. There was one point in which she took a picture of the empty uterine area above the kid's head and a second picture of the empty area below the kids feet - anybody know why they do that? We asked about the placental placement - I was curious if we had an anterior placenta - which would prohibit feeling the baby's kicks early. The tech told us that the placenta is so large at this point, it's practically everywhere! Then she showed us how it was wrapped from the front to the back.

When she was done the Perinatologist entered the room and retook the nuchal fold measurement and compared it to the tech's measurement - they were equal, the Peri was happy. They told us that our appointment went so quickly because we had the most cooperative baby of the day! Thank you Lord for a wiggling, happy, cooperative baby ... which helped to ease my nerves!

When she was done I was allowed to make an escape to the restroom and we were escorted to the hallway to learn the combined results of the blood test and the scan. Within minutes the Peri came out and told us our results: we are "very low risk" ... and we were happy. Immediately I started crying and Berilac held me while he chuckled a little and asked why I was crying - I told him they were tears of gratefulness and joy.

Monday's 12 1/2 Week Appt

Sorry for the delay in posting, I was busy and I kept leaving the ultrasound picture in inconvenient locations - at home, in the car, etc.

Last Saturday I was scared with a couple of episodes of cramping. The day before I had spent five hours on my feet and during that time had two large bottles of Gatorade, but I don't think that was enough - I was dehydrated for five days after that! And like I mentioned the next morning I had some scary cramps. Immediately, I got off my feet, drank a ton of water, went to the bathroom .. and they subsided ... until the second round came around dinner. I followed the same steps and things resolved much more quickly. Since then I haven't had any strange symptoms or feelings ... but I will say that it heightened the fear at my Monday morning appointment.

So last Monday (6/15) was our first appointment with our OB. It is scary because Berilac (for the last two appointments) has shown up later than me, so they walk me to the exam room alone and I get so worried that he's not going to make it in time - but he has both times. This past week was especially scary because they walked me back to the very first exam room I'd ever seen in their clinic - the one where I learned that the baby from our first pregnancy had died. I took a deep breath and entered the room.

They had me pee in a cup and my protein levels and sugar levels are fine. My blood pressure came in at a nice 110/70 and I haven't gained any weight since Colorado. Then the OB discreetly brought out the Doppler and gently pushed me to my back to place in on my stomach - I was in the middle of a sentence so I hardly recognized what she was doing ... not to mention I've never seen or used a Doppler before. As I lay there I could feel my heart pounding so hard against my ribs, I kept thinking she's not going to be able to find a heartbeat, what if she can't find a heartbeat!!?! ... And after a few minutes of probing around (and pretty low too) she said that all she could hear was my enormously loud heartbeat that was quickening in pace so she said - "let me get the ultrasound machine to calm you down."

When she left the room I put the inside crook of my elbow over my eyes and took deep breaths while Berilac prayed for us. It was so reminiscent of our first appointment there - at that appointment they had left us alone for a few minutes while they found someone else to prove that nobody could find a heartbeat. But this time, the appointment ended differently ... whew.

The doctor came back with the ultrasound machine and for the first time used the abdominal wand. Very quickly she found the little one hanging out tucked back into the uterus. When she found the heartbeat (about 150bpm) - I cried and started breathing again. It was so emotional and I was so scared. Unlike the 10 week appointment the baby wasn't dancing - all the baby gave us was an arm swing which I like to think of as a wave.

In this picture you are looking at the close up head shot of the baby with his/her left arm lifted above his/her head - kind of like in a "Hi Mom!" kind of positioning. The crown of the baby's head is pointing toward the 10 o'clock - so it's not like the baby is straight up and down.

After the appointment we went downstairs for the integrated screening blood work. We should have the results back by Tuesday in the Peri's office, while we do the NT ultrasound.

When we left Berilac was pressing me for a smile. He was so happy that things turned out differently this time and that we found the baby's heartbeat. I shared with him that I was (and still am) a little nervous because our baby was so active last time, and so quiet and subdued this time. The OB kept trying to get the baby to move positions to get a good profile shot, but baby kept in the same spot and only moved to give a wave.

I'm glad, after this appointment, that there's only 8 days between ultrasounds. Our next appointment is on Tuesday at the Perinatologist's office - we will be getting a 1 hour scan where they will look at many different things - specifically measuring the nuchal fold at the back of the baby's neck and checking for a nasal bone. I'm sure they'll do other investigations, but I'm not exactly sure what.

Please keep praying for our little one.

You've got "the walk!"

I was walking away from a meeting yesterday when a colleague of mine was trailing 20 or so feet behind and she yells down the hallway: "you've got the walk!" and of course I played innocent and said "what walk?" (like I didn't know, I was just hoping she was talking about my gangsa walk?? ... no such luck.) She scurried closer and said "from the back you're looking kind of ..." and she trailed off as she looked down to my belly and then she said "well from the front you look kind of ..." then she looked at me and smiled. I replied, "with child?" and she said "yes."

I told her the cat wasn't out of the bag and we were waiting a few more weeks for some more time and information (that totally went over her head) ... but she said "well you're not going to be able to keep the news a secret for long" and she looked at my belly and winked.

Now, come on ... how many people do you know that overtly ask a clearly NOT OBVIOUSLY pregnant woman ... if she's pregnant ... does she want to be slapped? Luckily for her, I am pregnant and I was delighted that I "look" pregnant.

It's a good thing I'm not sensitive about my weight or anything ... or else my hand might have made contact!

***

In other news, we had an ultrasound on Monday and I have yet to post the pics and the story - it was quite scary initially but ended up being good. All is well and we're nearly 13 weeks. Our NT scan is on Tuesday afternoon.

Milestone: Our longest pregnancy

This past weekend marked a huge milestone for us ... I can now say that this is our longest pregnancy.

I can't begin to describe the emotional process this has been.

As you've likely noticed, I haven't been as frequent with my posts as I once was. Not to worry, it doesn't mean I've been stressing out over everything, if anything I've been very detached from this pregnancy and this time away has allowed me to connect with "real life" rather than the WWW. For me, it's been an opportunity to get some distance between being on the Internet (and looking up scary things) and just trying to enjoy the day to day. I will say that I have been so grateful for each blood test and each ultrasound that has been reassuring, and the fact that we haven't experienced any bleeding (yet ... and let's hope we don't) we are beyond words grateful. The more time I spend in "real life" the more "normal" this pregnancy feels, if that makes sense.

A lot of women who are pregnant after infertility/loss talk about not knowing where they "fit in" are they infertiles are they fertiles? And I will say that in the beginning I knew exactly where I fit in ... on team infertile. I am a die hard loyalist. I would shock myself as I would look at a pregnant belly and think "she doesn't even know what a gift she's got!" (being completely judgemental and all ... heck, she could have spent years waiting for that belly) ... all the while stowing away my own little pregnant belly ... but I did not want to be "one of them." However, I know that one day (soon, I hope) I will have no choice but to join team fertile ... and even in that transition, you can count on me to represent our team well. When we jump in with both feet, I will not forget the place from where I came.

I spent Memorial Day weekend with some old friends, and as I prepared for the weekend, I took extra time to select cute outfits and matching shoes ... I even packed makeup! (It's been a LOOOOONG time since I've cared what I look like) and I made sure that we executed our schedule to a T, so that we would arrive on time to let the fun weekend begin (also not common for us ;-) ... and there I was, spending time with friends ... caring about my appearance, looking forward to seeing folks, engaging in conversations, getting energized by time with people - rather than being sapped and crying at every "alone" opportunity. You see, I was realizing that I was coming back to Polly. My personality was coming back, my zest for life was coming back, I was coming back. Only, I wasn't and I'm not ... the same Polly I had been 3 years ago. When my girlfriends asked me how I was doing, I didn't mean to breakdown in tears, but I did. I am so incredibly grateful to have my life (a life) back and I am so incredibly grateful for all of the wonderful things that have happened through this extremely painful journey, and I want to honor those experiences. But I also want to honor the major sense of loss that coming back to myself has pointed out. I am no longer the same woman. I am not sure if I'm angry about that or grateful for that. I can no longer look at people the same way. I can no longer experience life the same way. I am softened. I am compassionate. I am praying to God that this will continue to mold me and shape me to become more like him ... and that He will continue to move me further and further away from feelings of bitterness and betrayal.

I'm not sure how other women have navigated this. I know for me, it's been and it will continue to be a growth process that sharpens me ... there will be no light switch moment where I go from being infertile to fertile. But I know that each milestone carries me further and further into facing a change in my life.

I'm sorry I haven't shared this as much as I could have ... I hope to keep you in the loop better, once I jump in with both feet. Which, by the way, my OB has suggested I wait until 15 weeks to do, rather than 12 1/2 ... she's on vacation during my 14th week or else she would have suggested that ... bummer for postponing the all-out celebration.

Thanks for listening (again) ...
Polly

10 weeks

Day before yesterday I had my 10 week appointment. It was a daunting task - we were headed for the "same" appointment at which we lost our first pregnancy, with the same Nurse Practitioner - I was concerned I'd go through the same experience, but we did not. I remember our first OB appointment with our first pregnancy. It was at 10w5d, the appointment started with details about how much I should eat, what exercise I should/shouldn't do, information about upcoming classes I should consider, etc. It wasn't until I had been inducted into the club (given a handbook and everything!) that we did the ultrasound and found that our baby had died. I left the exam room puffy eyed and crying, carrying my farce of a handbook - I had been kicked out of the club so quickly.

But like I said, this week's appointment went much better. After waiting 20 minutes in the exam room, pacing the floor in my gown I jumped up on the table and took Berilac's hand, we prayed that this baby would be healthy and that this appointment would go well. The NP entered and said, "hey, I recognize you! Is this baby number two?" ... without hesitation I said, "no, this is pregnancy number 5 and hopefully baby number one." ... she responded, "let me get the ultrasound machine, let's start out by giving you some reassurance" and I genuinely thanked her, I did not want to be inducted into the club without proof this time.



She opted for the trans vaginal sonogram and I made myself vulnerable in this journey once again. The minute we could see the baby she said, "oh there we go, that's good news" and I didn't know what she meant, could she see the heartbeat? 'cause I sure couldn't! She said, "look, your baby is dancing" I squinted my eyes and moved my head a little closer ... sure enough, it seemed like the baby wasn't staying still. "But is my talking and movement causing that?" I asked. She said, "hold your breathe" and as I lay as still as I could, we watched as little Flicker reached his hand to his forehead and mouth and eventually put his thumb in his mouth; he rounded it off with a nice dancy, shaky move and some twisting - it was fantastic. Flicker is the size of a kidney bean .... this was the most advanced kidney bean size baby I've ever seen! (He takes after Berilac ;-) Then little Flicker started, what looked to be, pounding his fists at us and I told him we would take away the evil ultrasound, and so we did. She didn't measure Flickers crown-rump-length, nor the heartrate - we are just reassured that movement is good.

The rest of the appointment was unremarkable.

Miscarriage rate: We asked her what our chance of miscarriage is at this point and she said 5%. I'm not sure that number will get any lower, but I will feel better if/when we make it to the second trimester. There are many ways to think of the second trimester: does it start at 12 weeks, 13 weeks, 14 weeks? We have our next appointment at 12 1/2 weeks (on June 15th) so we might "jump in with both feet" after that appointment if it goes well. The next appointment might be awhile, so perhaps we should "announce" after that appointment? (Yes, yes, this blog is open to the world, and I've been out of the closet here for months, even many IRL friends read this blog ... but none of my work friends know, nor do other random people I run into.) So perhaps we make it to one more appointment before I start thinking that this pregnancy will last, that I will stop looking with disdain and actually consider maternity wear, plan for a baby shower, consider birthing preferences, and plan around a due date. I want so badly to have this infertility loosen it's grip, to enjoy this pregnancy and to take it all in - like so many women can do.

Meds: I told her of the meds I'm on: Prenatals, Omega 3 vitamins, Folgard, Baby Aspirin, Lovenox, and Progesterone. She gave her sympathies and made notes, evidently, the OB will want to run special tests for women on Lovenox. We told her this was an IVF pregnancy and she asked where we had been cycling, we told her CCRM and she asked if Schoolcraft was our doctor - that was nice, it always surprised me when I would talk with OB staff and they didn't seem to know a thing about the infertility business/community.

Genetic testing: The NP heavily suggested the Full Integrated Screening (1st trimester bloodwork, NT Scan, 2nd trimester bloodwork) given our history of loss. We told her about our conversations with our local monitoring clinic RE and how he indicated that if we weren't willing to terminate, then there's really no point. We told her we were against the CVS and why would we take the screening tests that could provide us with more worry, rather than conclusive information. She understood about the CVS, given it's increased risk and she let us know that the one advantage to doing that early screening, is if they find a "soft marker" at the 20 week scan, they can refer back to the early screening to confirm if the screenings are consistent ... to know if they are dealing with false positives or real problems. That was persuasive, so we are considering doing the non-invasive screenings.

The ins and outs of being an OB patient: The strangest experience was having the NP run down the list of appointments we'd need to make (should this pregnancy progress) evidently, my OB office wants to see me once a month, and that's for just a "normal" patient ... I thought for sure they would want to see me next time at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan ... I thought I would have to suffer between 12 1/2 weeks and 20 weeks, but no, they include something like 13 appointments in the "maternity" package. I'm so not used to being a maternity patient.

So that is it for 10 weeks, we are now double digit weeks pregnant, we have surpassed the second longest pregnancy we've had and if we make it two weeks to our next appointment we will have made it further than we ever have.

We celebrate today because Flicker is a dancing (seemingly happy) baby and we are still pregnant.

Celebration

What I know for sure: recurrent pregnancy scars run deep.

Heading into today's ultrasound I was sure I was going to get bad news. All I've ever known in this journey is waiting and heartache; I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea of thinking that things might work out ok.

I'm almost in shock that today's appointment went so well. I literally had imagined myself calling in sick today, curling up in a ball on my couch crying my eyes out while I rock back and forth holding my little doggie. But instead the appointment went great and I'm nearly in disbelief.

I want so badly to embrace this pregnancy. I want to celebrate the life inside me. But as a protection mechanism, I've disconnected quite a bit from this experience. I struggled today to remember that there is a baby in my womb. Even if the baby doesn't make it, it doesn't mean it wasn't God's creation. It's really awe-inspiring and I'm trying to minimize it, in order to survive should we lose the baby.

"The baby" ... there is a baby in there. Wow.

I thought today if other women would be telling people at this point. I thought about how other women might head to the baby store and purchase a cute little outfit or two to celebrate. I want to start looking at maternity clothes and dream about my body with a protruding belly. I want to argue with a close friend over how early to send out baby shower invitations. I want to plan a babymoon that will allow me to wear a bikini that showcases a beautifully full belly. I want to believe that this Christmas will bring us a child. But as I said ... the scars of recurrent pregnancy loss run deep.

I hope that as the weeks pass, not only will we experience more and more encouraging doctors appointments, but that we'll also learn to dream and to trust. I so badly don't want to be jaded anymore.

Ok, ok, enough about my heart ... let's get on to the details!

As I mentioned in a previous post my local monitoring fertility clinic offered to give me one more ultrasound before being transferred over to my OB's care ... and because that means one more look at our precious little "Flicker" (with a higher quality machine, I might add) I was on board for it.

Let me start out by saying that the doctor's summary of our appointment today: "it couldn't have gone any better" ... if I could encourage any RE out there who might be reading this (um, yeah, all those RE's that read infertility blogs!) these are the exact words I wanted to hear.

Reasons for the great ultrasound:

1. Today was my 7w6d appointment and the baby was measuring ahead at 8w0d-8w1d.


2. The baby had a strong and steady heartbeat (they don't measure rate unless there is a problem)


3. The placenta is in the fundus (high in the uterus - I guess this is good so as to avoid previa)


4. There is no blood anywhere (it is very common that IVF pregnancies deal with bleeding)

Berilac and I were so relieved. We called our parents and we praised the Lord. I thought for sure I would need to cancel my plans for the weekend and for next weekend, but today we are still pregnant, so we have reason to celebrate - now I just have to remember what it's like to be happy and celebrate (stick out tongue here).

I will leave you with this: our 2 month old precious Flicker (aka, the blob in the center ... The black space is the gestational sac, the round thing at the top is the head, the rest is the body and the umbilical cord.)

Our next ultrasound is with our OB on Thursday, May 28th ... Lord keep our baby healthy and safe.

Update

First off let me start out by saying that I'm still pregnant. It seems that every time I see friends I carry a less than ecstatic expression on my face and they are wondering (usually without asking) if I'm still pregnant and really, it's understandable. So yes, nothing has happened that I know of, so I must still be pregnant.

I mentioned in my previous post that our next ultrasound appointment is on 5/20 with our OB/GYN office (since I have graduated from CCRM's care) however, my local monitoring fertility clinic offered to give us a scan (without CCRM's involvement and before being transitioned over to the OB's office) so I'm taking them up on their offer. I will have an ultrasound this Friday (5/15) at nearly 8 weeks and I have pushed out seeing my OB - so no scan for me on 5/20.

There is not much to say on the "how's the pregnancy going?" front. Things seem to be going fine, I have slight symptoms all around: fatigue, indigestion, food aversions, tender bbs, uterine cramping/twinging and really just an overall feeling of blah in the evenings when I get home from work. It seems so ambitious to consider cleaning the house or doing the dishes.

I am surprised at how well I'm holding up since our last ultrasound. Prior to the ultrasound at the cadence of about every other day I had emotionally all but given up on a healthy pregnancy. Since our last scan I have attacks of fear, but I remember back to the successful milestones we've already encountered and I remember that God is in control, not me. There's no amount of worrying or not worrying that will help or harm this baby - if there was something I could do to cause a miscarriage of a baby that God has made healthy - then why would abortion clinics be in business these days? ... So I try to just accept that whatever will happen, will happen. I am trying to enjoy each day as much as possible.

I am highly anticipating Friday's ultrasound. I think it stands to reason that if last week was my first good ultrasound ... then each "good" ultrasound that I have from this point forward, will also be a new experience. In looking for examples of what a good 8 week ultrasound should look like, on You.Tube I've found video blogs of women's pregnancies - and of course I get sucked in! I watch these fresh faced, optimistic ladies gush about their pregnancies - one girl even "revealed" her pregnancy to her friends and family (in a cute way) when she was "already 5 weeks" pregnant. I always preface my pregnancy stage with "I'm only X weeks pregnant " .... it just amazes me how cynical I've become. I get that our situations are different and that of course I'm hesitant, but I guess I just have a hard time accepting that anyone would get pregnant and assume that there is a healthy baby inside, that they will make it to the end of the 40 weeks with a baby to show for it. I think most young women are confident in their pregnancies - and it just floors me. I must admit that I grieve the loss of innocence, I grieve the innocence that not only Berilac and I no longer experience, but the innocence that my friends and family no longer have in relation to me. There will be no "cute reveal" of our "bun in the oven." Each time I get pregnant and I tell friends, they are hopeful, concerned about me, and wondering if this time will be different (at least that's what I assume they are thinking?) ... so, as you can imagine, it's hard to watch those uneventful video blogs ... why do I keep torturing myself?!!?

There was another torturous event recently - ok, a couple. Sunday was Mother's Day and yesterday was my birthday ... both are so difficult. I know I'm young, but as I've mentioned before: holidays mark another year gone by that you've been in this battle, and I know it seems like I might be in the midst of the end of my battle - but I've still got a ways to go before I can start popping the Martinelli's and begin proposing nursery theme ideas. I went to church on Sunday - my first Mother's Day service in a few years. When the time came to honor mother's, I didn't stand. I sat and wept for the many women in the congregation (and in congregations around the world) who only wish they could stand - only wish someone would recognize their hurting hearts. For what it's worth - I grieved with you and for you on Sunday and I wondered if next Mother's Day will be a joyful time, or if it will be filled with even more heartache.

Lastly, I just wanted to share my friend's story and send her a hug - my girlfriend in Colorado. We met awhile a go in the blog sphere. She is my age and has dealt with elevated FSH (like in the 20's!) I initially found her blog because I was searching for an image of an intramuscular shot being given, I found this lovely image of her rear end and her husband priming a big juicy 25 gauge-r to stab her with. I complimented her cute hiney and we've been kindred spirits ever since. Only months after I started following her blog - she got pregnant naturally - and we all celebrated! (Her infertility site has been shut down or else I'd direct you there.) This past summer she and her husband welcomed a precious little girl that I've had the opportunity to fawn over during one of my CCRM trips. More recently, it came with mixed emotion when I received news this past March that she was pregnant again, and again au'naturale (it was difficult only because she was the third pregnancy announcement I had gotten in days, on the flip side, I was definitely in awe that lightening had struck twice - score another point for team infertile!!) Well, on Thursday night, just shy of 15 weeks pregnant, my friend sent out an email that I surely didn't want to read ... she was in for a routine mid wife appointment and they found that the baby's heart had just recently stopped beating. I broke down in sobs. I know the pain of loss, but I do not know the pain of loss after you've crossed so many milestones - thinking that you were "in the clear" ... my heart breaks for her and her family - and I can't even imagine how bittersweet this Mother's Day was for her. So Sweety, if you're reading this - know that we are still praying for you - and we are here for you.