Monday, February 4, 2008

How are you doing?

Thank you everyone who is checking in on me to see how I am doing.

Honestly, I'm doing ok - really I'm doing better than I thought I would be.

I would love to talk about my feelings on the whole matter - and share the sadness in my heart, but what has been more overwhelming for me has been the anxiety that goes along with this journey:
  • anxiety from losing the most recent pregnancy
  • anxiety from losing multiple pregnancies
  • fear of never being able to have children
  • anxiety about future pregnancies and experiencing trauma like we experienced with past losses (complications - hemorraging, emergency procedures, extended sickness following miscarriage procedure)
  • fear that my husband will leave me because: 1. I can't bear children (he says this will never happen, but it doesn't mean that it disappears easily from my list of concerns) 2. I might scare him away with my inability to cope with all of this (now that one is a little more risky of being true! not really.)
  • fear that I will never be 'normal' again (how many IRL friends do you have that are in our shoes? I'm guessing none ... makes me feel like the freak that I am)
  • fear that I might have to grieve my hopes and dreams
  • fear of what my life will look like if it doesn't look the way I had imagined it to when I was a little girl
  • fear that God thinks we can handle more

So for now I am working on those issues ... trying to get past the shell of anxiety in order to get to the root, which is the sadness.

As I've mentioned I'm taking steps towards that end. I went to my first infertility support group and can I just say ... women who endure infertility and loss ... are amazing women. Let me take a rabbit trail here and say thank you to all my infertile friends/readers who have endured so much. I don't even know you but I find myself so concerned about your life and I so want to support you and love you from a distance - I have so much compassion and honest to goodness love for you. I LOVE to see women who've been in the infertility trenches getting pregnant and getting past their previous loss milestones - it makes me feel good to know these women and to see the joy that they've longed for, for so long ... be fulfilled. I feel honored to be apart of their lives (Cara, Fortune Cookie, Mandy, Amy, Joy, Bethany, Ango, Megan, Melissa, Yvonne, Jen, Moon, Lara, Jeny, Daniela, Donna, Tina, Laura, Jenee ... really all the ladies on my blog roll ... and so many others) ... group hug? Really, I am just honored and wish I knew you all in person. (but then there'd be an inordinant number of infertiles in the SF Bay Area and really it's only 1 in 6 couples that deal with this ... so you gotta spread us out - make sure others don't have to make up for the fact that you wouldn't be representing in your own home town.)

Ok, so back to me.

I am just trying to get over the hurdle of anxiety. I so truly believe the scripture "Be anxious about nothing..." but yet I don't practice it. I'm remineded of Peter when he walked on water, but only b/c he kept his eyes on Christ. I want to be that woman. And I will be.

I must have some serious early childhood issues around anxiety (thanks mom and dad - yes, you know who you are) and so I'll address those issues and of course the compounded grief and loss and I'll give myself grace to flounder in anxiety a bit while God works on healing my heart in the process.

I've been going to the infertility support group and I've started counseling again. Berilac and I will resume couples counseling - we love counseling (and we recommend all marriages start out there - rather than end up there!) I've been doing my daily yoga (which actually HELPS stress ... who knew? those Eastern medicine folk really do know what they are talking about. I was only starting it b/c I was grasping at straws trying to find physical things I could do to help my anxiety and looky there ... it's working!)

So I've been doing all these things and I will let you know when we've made some more progress, when I'm able to share a little bit more of my heart and get past hiding behind my anxiety. We have some ideas for future cycles and our future hope for baby ... and as the healing continues, my heart will be more open to becoming more vulnerable in recognizing and sharing renewed hope.

Oh and lastly, happy belated Groundhog Day! ;-)


  1. I had my first appointment at the fertility centre yesterday. Like you, I feel your pain and understand your fears.

    I threw a bitch fit after that, only to feel terribly guilty. I'm scared cuz I don't know.

    But it's because of your blog and coming to know you guys that I've come to learn more about infertility and its issues.

    So, I'll walk with you on this journey and maybe, we'll find some answers together. If I don't, then, I'll just stop the fight and eventually accept life as is.

    BIG HUGS and here's a toast to WHENEVER, WHEREVER AND IF WE EVER...

    p.s'am i making sense?' :)

  2. I echo Pamela -- here's a toast to "whenever, wherever and if you ever..." well said Pamela!

    You're in my prayers, as always. Life is such a journey.

  3. I hope you continue to focus on yourself. So often, we are trained to consider everyone else first, but in the end, you are the one that matters most. You and DH, of course. Good luck to you, and I hope you continue to find peace in these things. You deserve it!

  4. Popped by to check out your blog - you are brave for listing your fears, and that tells me you will overcome them and prevail. Take good care.

  5. Polly, you have a huge cheerleader in Texas! (Me!) Apparently I gotta keep the 1 in 6 statistic alive and well for the time being in west TX, but hopefully we'll be able to drop that label someday soon. You are a strong and steadfast person and I believe that if God leads you to it He'll also lead you through it. Sounds like you are making great strides.

  6. Gee, thanks Daisy..

    I'm still very new at what I'm feeling is still very new and raw... :(

    I just wonder how long the hubs can keep up with my mood swings..

  7. Wow, Polly. My heart goes out to you during this healing time. Your fears and concerns are absolutely valid, and every IF gal out there can echo them. Good for you for taking control of this situation, as much as you can anyway, and seeking support groups and doing daily yoga, and counseling. Doing those things alone are evidence of your strength to carry on. This is truly one of the most difficult experiences one has to endure. You have tons of support, my friend.

    If you're ever in CO, you'll have to let me know and we can grab a cup of tea and chat in real life. :)

  8. I just awarded you the Excellent Blog award! Go check it out.

  9. ohhhhhh, you are my hero! I think you have explained sooo many of my fears and feelings in that post! You have been a GREAT support for me, I hope I can be more support to you in the upcoming days.

    I know exacty what you mean when you say you are scared you may drive DH away. We were talking last night and he said he hopes for MY sanity this IVF works, because if it doesn't he doesn't want to visit me in the mental institution-I think it was more like I would drive HIM to the institution.

    I am sending you back HUGE HUGS!!! THANK YOU!

  10. Polly, I wish I could jump through the screen to give you a big hug. You have been through so much and still continue to move forward with such strength. Just recognizing your fears is huge, but really putting them out there to deal with is so courageous. I am so impressed with the steps you are taking to work through your anxiety, frustration, and grief. I think we could all learn alot from you.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  11. Big hugs to you! I think the anxiety and fear are one of the worst parts of IF and recurrent loss. It completely takes over sometimes. I wish I had your faith. You are doing so many things to take care of yourself, and I believe you are wise to allow yourself some time with the anxiety and not expect it to go away quickly.

    I do the scared and anxious then beating myself up for being scared and anxious thing way too much. I admire how you are taking the bull by the horns. You've inspired me to get back to doing the things I know can help like yoga, regular exercise and prayer. Thanks for that!