Honestly, I'm doing ok - really I'm doing better than I thought I would be.
I would love to talk about my feelings on the whole matter - and share the sadness in my heart, but what has been more overwhelming for me has been the anxiety that goes along with this journey:
- anxiety from losing the most recent pregnancy
- anxiety from losing multiple pregnancies
- fear of never being able to have children
- anxiety about future pregnancies and experiencing trauma like we experienced with past losses (complications - hemorraging, emergency procedures, extended sickness following miscarriage procedure)
- fear that my husband will leave me because: 1. I can't bear children (he says this will never happen, but it doesn't mean that it disappears easily from my list of concerns) 2. I might scare him away with my inability to cope with all of this (now that one is a little more risky of being true! not really.)
- fear that I will never be 'normal' again (how many IRL friends do you have that are in our shoes? I'm guessing none ... makes me feel like the freak that I am)
- fear that I might have to grieve my hopes and dreams
- fear of what my life will look like if it doesn't look the way I had imagined it to when I was a little girl
- fear that God thinks we can handle more
So for now I am working on those issues ... trying to get past the shell of anxiety in order to get to the root, which is the sadness.
As I've mentioned I'm taking steps towards that end. I went to my first infertility support group and can I just say ... women who endure infertility and loss ... are amazing women. Let me take a rabbit trail here and say thank you to all my infertile friends/readers who have endured so much. I don't even know you but I find myself so concerned about your life and I so want to support you and love you from a distance - I have so much compassion and honest to goodness love for you. I LOVE to see women who've been in the infertility trenches getting pregnant and getting past their previous loss milestones - it makes me feel good to know these women and to see the joy that they've longed for, for so long ... be fulfilled. I feel honored to be apart of their lives (Cara, Fortune Cookie, Mandy, Amy, Joy, Bethany, Ango, Megan, Melissa, Yvonne, Jen, Moon, Lara, Jeny, Daniela, Donna, Tina, Laura, Jenee ... really all the ladies on my blog roll ... and so many others) ... group hug? Really, I am just honored and wish I knew you all in person. (but then there'd be an inordinant number of infertiles in the SF Bay Area and really it's only 1 in 6 couples that deal with this ... so you gotta spread us out - make sure others don't have to make up for the fact that you wouldn't be representing in your own home town.)
Ok, so back to me.
I am just trying to get over the hurdle of anxiety. I so truly believe the scripture "Be anxious about nothing..." but yet I don't practice it. I'm remineded of Peter when he walked on water, but only b/c he kept his eyes on Christ. I want to be that woman. And I will be.
I must have some serious early childhood issues around anxiety (thanks mom and dad - yes, you know who you are) and so I'll address those issues and of course the compounded grief and loss and I'll give myself grace to flounder in anxiety a bit while God works on healing my heart in the process.
I've been going to the infertility support group and I've started counseling again. Berilac and I will resume couples counseling - we love counseling (and we recommend all marriages start out there - rather than end up there!) I've been doing my daily yoga (which actually HELPS stress ... who knew? those Eastern medicine folk really do know what they are talking about. I was only starting it b/c I was grasping at straws trying to find physical things I could do to help my anxiety and looky there ... it's working!)
So I've been doing all these things and I will let you know when we've made some more progress, when I'm able to share a little bit more of my heart and get past hiding behind my anxiety. We have some ideas for future cycles and our future hope for baby ... and as the healing continues, my heart will be more open to becoming more vulnerable in recognizing and sharing renewed hope.
Oh and lastly, happy belated Groundhog Day! ;-)