There’s no way our children can claim that we never wanted them

I remember when I first got married, I was afraid to have children. When I was growing up I was told by one parent that the other parent never really wanted a daughter, never really wanted a third child, never really wanted me. That was very painful to hear and to absorb as a child. As an adult, it still haunts me. I remember having a conversation with a girlfriend of mine shortly after getting married and I confided in her, telling her that I was not sure I wanted to have a child because I was afraid the child would not feel wanted enough by me. I told her I wasn’t ready to have children because I wasn’t feeling this overwhelming need (as I had seen in so many of my friends – who now, by the way, all have at least two children and in some cases three!) to become a mother. She encouraged me that because I was worried about it and thinking about it, it meant that I wouldn’t one day surprisingly find myself there.

Well, last week this box arrived at my door (yes, I did order it, but it sounds so much more fantastical if it ‘just arrived’).

Enter the traditional IVF meds picture:

If you can’t tell from the picture – there is a whole lotta drugs I’m going to be shoving into my body – either by needle or by suppository (multi-purpose orifices, I guess?) in order to have a child. If I’m willing to do this to my body, then oh yes friends, there is no denying that this child is very wanted!

So, yes – I am a closet IVFer. I took a month of birth control pills, a week of Lupron (a drug that can have nasty side effects whose intent is to reduce the amount of estrogen in the body), I’ve been on Ganirelix for awhile, and I’m starting stims tomorrow! … And I’m just now coming out of the closet!!

So first, let me tell you a bit about what frightening drugs are in that picture. I am slated to take said drugs for at least 41 days and perhaps longer (today is day 33 of 41 … so I’ve been hiding this little secret of mine for quite some time) For those of you that don’t know, after I take all these drugs I’ll be primed for an egg retrieval (a process where they enter through my wahoo to aspirate way too many eggs from my swollen bovaries!) that will happen sometime between 4/16-4/19.

So, can you see the picture? Can you see how many needles there are in there? Well, lucky for you I have inventoried the lot. Here’s what it will take for this one cycle of IVF:

(1) Sharps Container
(1) Follistim Pen

(6) 900iu cartridges of Follistim (yes ladies, SIX 900 iu vials!)
(1) 20mg vial of Estradiol Valerate
(1) 10,000 unit vial of HCG
(4) 75iu Vials of Luveris
(1) 1mg Vial of Lupron
(20) 125mcg Ganirelix

(30) 28guage ½ mL .5in. syringes
(35) no guage 1 mL syringes
(26) 27guage ½ in needles
(10) 22guage 1 ½ in. needles
(15) 18guage 1 ½ in. needles
(1) 25guage 1 ½ in. needle

(12) 2mg Estradiol Suppositories
(82) Prenatal DHA (Omega 3's)
(82) 2.2 mg FolCaps
(41) 75mcg caplets of Levothyroxine
(41) 81mg Baby Aspirin
(41) Prenatal Vitamins

(102) Alcohol Wipes
(21) Active BCP's
(5) Guaze Pads (for those scary intra muscular shots)
(5) Bandaids (again, for scary IM shots!)

Any veteran’s out there see anything missing? (hint: I only have (10) 22 guage 1 ½ inch needles)

Over the course of 41 days I will inject myself 42 times subcutaneously (I do not do shots everyday and there are a few days where I have to give myself four shots) and over the course of this time, Berilac will give me 5 intra muscular shots (ouch!). During this time I also have to whip out my pillbox to remember to take my 287 pills and before I go to bed some nights there are 8 suppositories (no comment) waiting for me.

So I’m coming out. I’m almost done with my first IVF cycle.

How could I go this long without sharing this exciting news? Honestly, it’s because I have too much other good stuff going on in my life right now. I spent a few hours with a close friend of mine who’s going through some marital issues lately and I was just so desirous of hearing about how she’s doing and supporting her through this rough time – my infertility issues seem less central, like somehow everything is going to work out … so why bother fretting about it? (a total 180, I know).

So in my next post I’ll tell you all about the protocol and the plans for us to add to the Gamwich family.