Emotions and hormones ... an ugly combination.

I've been processesing the retrieval for two weeks now (can you believe it's been two weeks already?) and since then I've slowly been crumbling.

Because we only got five test-able eggs we definitely have to have another egg retrieval. We've scheduled that retrieval for August 28th or 29th. I start my meds in mid July ... (and look at me - I'm letting you all in on it this time. Pat on the back for me.)

And then it hit me ...

If we only have 0, 1, or 2 "normal" eggs with this first retrieval - we'll have to schedule a third retrieval and if we have to schedule a third retrieval ... we'll have to wait until November or December for that. And that means that a transfer of embryos couldn't happen until AFTER Christmas ... like meaning sometime next year. People, it's only the beginning of May. I'm not sure I can wait until next year, 2009, to start trying to get pregnant again! That's a whole lotta time to think about how pregnant I'm not.

This past weekend Berilac and I were excited to attend our all-church retreat. We were so encouraged that we'd have a weekend off from fertility crap. We were looking forward to building our community, worshipping our Creator, being with each other away from all the stuff that needs to get done at home.

At the retreat we learned that they had recently renamed the retreat ... it used to be called "family camp" ... can you guess why? Well, they may have renamed the event, but I'm thinking that the content of the event didn't change much - they just changed the name so that more non-families would feel welcome (college-aged kids, singles, and young married folks maybe?) It was a good idea for them to change the name - I just wish I would have had the foresight to know that although other young married are an appropriate target group for this previous "family camp" but infertile been-married-for-awhile's ... not so much. I think my hormones were peaking this weekend (as I am CD1 today) and I had a really rough time being surrounded by families. And side note here: "family" camp is not where you escape (in)fertility thoughts and struggles ... maybe you would have pieced this together - I, on the other hand, was like the blind being led to slaughter ... I blame them - they changed the name!!

I felt like I had no stories to share of cute little ones or progress reports on the development of my children ... I was trying not to look too blank faced when people said "oh well you know how it is with kids ..." (well, no ... actually, I don't)

And I felt very isolated. I felt like most people there (the ones we were trying to build our new community with) were unaware of our pain (except for a couple of our friends there who already knew) the pain that we are marching through. It's hard to build a community on incomplete truths. You can only nod, smile, and say "yes we've been married for almost seven years and no we don't have any kids" so many times. (especially when you've had four miscarriages - do I have four children or do I have none?) And I mean it when I said that we are marching. This weekend I felt like I was putting one foot in front of the other - just trying to keep it together.

I was sobbing through worship, sobbing - and usually I can control my tears. I was singing "How great, how awesome is He, and together we sing ..." and I just had to sob. I kept telling myself 'He is the same great God He always was; my Jesus has not changed; regardless of the bleakness of our situation, regardless of the looming thought that we may never have children - my God has not changed'

and I weep just typing it.

So I'm getting through. I want to be excited, but really I'm nervous, about what our results will reveal in two to four weeks. If the number comes back at zero, zero "normal" eggs ... I will be devastated. If it comes back at 1 or 2 I will be disappointed but greatful that I dodged the "zero" bullet ... and anything 3 or above will have me dancing on the ceiling.

In the mean time, I'm hoping that these crazy hormones chill a bit - so that I can not feel so overwhelmingly sad. I think the fact that our third baby would have been due in less than two weeks is also creeping up in my heart. Oh and hey, I'm getting even older soon too! And on Mother's Day no less (my birthday is May 11th) ... so I get another year of being older to celebrate - yippee. For those of you that don't know ... in infertility birthdays are markers for how little progress you've made growing your family - and Mother's Day is one of the least favorable holidays. So I get the one-two punch.

And the final kicker was today when a colleague mentioned to me that I was lucky not to have children because ... I can sleep in. If I hadn't been trying to have children for the past two years - then yes, I would agree with her. And I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box ... but I don't think I'd tell an infertile that she was lucky not to have kids - regardless of the reward. But that's just me. And yes, she knows our situation. I guess we all want what we can't have, huh? For me it's the miracle of procreation followed by the blessing of living children ... for her it's 20 more minutes of sleep in the morning. Yeah, that's about the same. Lucky me.

Did I mention that my hormones and my emotions are getting the best of me?