First off let me start out by saying that I'm still pregnant. It seems that every time I see friends I carry a less than ecstatic expression on my face and they are wondering (usually without asking) if I'm still pregnant and really, it's understandable. So yes, nothing has happened that I know of, so I must still be pregnant.
I mentioned in my previous post that our next ultrasound appointment is on 5/20 with our OB/GYN office (since I have graduated from CCRM's care) however, my local monitoring fertility clinic offered to give us a scan (without CCRM's involvement and before being transitioned over to the OB's office) so I'm taking them up on their offer. I will have an ultrasound this Friday (5/15) at nearly 8 weeks and I have pushed out seeing my OB - so no scan for me on 5/20.
There is not much to say on the "how's the pregnancy going?" front. Things seem to be going fine, I have slight symptoms all around: fatigue, indigestion, food aversions, tender bbs, uterine cramping/twinging and really just an overall feeling of blah in the evenings when I get home from work. It seems so ambitious to consider cleaning the house or doing the dishes.
I am surprised at how well I'm holding up since our last ultrasound. Prior to the ultrasound at the cadence of about every other day I had emotionally all but given up on a healthy pregnancy. Since our last scan I have attacks of fear, but I remember back to the successful milestones we've already encountered and I remember that God is in control, not me. There's no amount of worrying or not worrying that will help or harm this baby - if there was something I could do to cause a miscarriage of a baby that God has made healthy - then why would abortion clinics be in business these days? ... So I try to just accept that whatever will happen, will happen. I am trying to enjoy each day as much as possible.
I am highly anticipating Friday's ultrasound. I think it stands to reason that if last week was my first good ultrasound ... then each "good" ultrasound that I have from this point forward, will also be a new experience. In looking for examples of what a good 8 week ultrasound should look like, on You.Tube I've found video blogs of women's pregnancies - and of course I get sucked in! I watch these fresh faced, optimistic ladies gush about their pregnancies - one girl even "revealed" her pregnancy to her friends and family (in a cute way) when she was "already 5 weeks" pregnant. I always preface my pregnancy stage with "I'm only X weeks pregnant " .... it just amazes me how cynical I've become. I get that our situations are different and that of course I'm hesitant, but I guess I just have a hard time accepting that anyone would get pregnant and assume that there is a healthy baby inside, that they will make it to the end of the 40 weeks with a baby to show for it. I think most young women are confident in their pregnancies - and it just floors me. I must admit that I grieve the loss of innocence, I grieve the innocence that not only Berilac and I no longer experience, but the innocence that my friends and family no longer have in relation to me. There will be no "cute reveal" of our "bun in the oven." Each time I get pregnant and I tell friends, they are hopeful, concerned about me, and wondering if this time will be different (at least that's what I assume they are thinking?) ... so, as you can imagine, it's hard to watch those uneventful video blogs ... why do I keep torturing myself?!!?
There was another torturous event recently - ok, a couple. Sunday was Mother's Day and yesterday was my birthday ... both are so difficult. I know I'm young, but as I've mentioned before: holidays mark another year gone by that you've been in this battle, and I know it seems like I might be in the midst of the end of my battle - but I've still got a ways to go before I can start popping the Martinelli's and begin proposing nursery theme ideas. I went to church on Sunday - my first Mother's Day service in a few years. When the time came to honor mother's, I didn't stand. I sat and wept for the many women in the congregation (and in congregations around the world) who only wish they could stand - only wish someone would recognize their hurting hearts. For what it's worth - I grieved with you and for you on Sunday and I wondered if next Mother's Day will be a joyful time, or if it will be filled with even more heartache.
Lastly, I just wanted to share my friend's story and send her a hug - my girlfriend in Colorado. We met awhile a go in the blog sphere. She is my age and has dealt with elevated FSH (like in the 20's!) I initially found her blog because I was searching for an image of an intramuscular shot being given, I found this lovely image of her rear end and her husband priming a big juicy 25 gauge-r to stab her with. I complimented her cute hiney and we've been kindred spirits ever since. Only months after I started following her blog - she got pregnant naturally - and we all celebrated! (Her infertility site has been shut down or else I'd direct you there.) This past summer she and her husband welcomed a precious little girl that I've had the opportunity to fawn over during one of my CCRM trips. More recently, it came with mixed emotion when I received news this past March that she was pregnant again, and again au'naturale (it was difficult only because she was the third pregnancy announcement I had gotten in days, on the flip side, I was definitely in awe that lightening had struck twice - score another point for team infertile!!) Well, on Thursday night, just shy of 15 weeks pregnant, my friend sent out an email that I surely didn't want to read ... she was in for a routine mid wife appointment and they found that the baby's heart had just recently stopped beating. I broke down in sobs. I know the pain of loss, but I do not know the pain of loss after you've crossed so many milestones - thinking that you were "in the clear" ... my heart breaks for her and her family - and I can't even imagine how bittersweet this Mother's Day was for her. So Sweety, if you're reading this - know that we are still praying for you - and we are here for you.
Done, and Yet, Not Done
5 months ago