Celebration

What I know for sure: recurrent pregnancy scars run deep.

Heading into today's ultrasound I was sure I was going to get bad news. All I've ever known in this journey is waiting and heartache; I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea of thinking that things might work out ok.

I'm almost in shock that today's appointment went so well. I literally had imagined myself calling in sick today, curling up in a ball on my couch crying my eyes out while I rock back and forth holding my little doggie. But instead the appointment went great and I'm nearly in disbelief.

I want so badly to embrace this pregnancy. I want to celebrate the life inside me. But as a protection mechanism, I've disconnected quite a bit from this experience. I struggled today to remember that there is a baby in my womb. Even if the baby doesn't make it, it doesn't mean it wasn't God's creation. It's really awe-inspiring and I'm trying to minimize it, in order to survive should we lose the baby.

"The baby" ... there is a baby in there. Wow.

I thought today if other women would be telling people at this point. I thought about how other women might head to the baby store and purchase a cute little outfit or two to celebrate. I want to start looking at maternity clothes and dream about my body with a protruding belly. I want to argue with a close friend over how early to send out baby shower invitations. I want to plan a babymoon that will allow me to wear a bikini that showcases a beautifully full belly. I want to believe that this Christmas will bring us a child. But as I said ... the scars of recurrent pregnancy loss run deep.

I hope that as the weeks pass, not only will we experience more and more encouraging doctors appointments, but that we'll also learn to dream and to trust. I so badly don't want to be jaded anymore.

Ok, ok, enough about my heart ... let's get on to the details!

As I mentioned in a previous post my local monitoring fertility clinic offered to give me one more ultrasound before being transferred over to my OB's care ... and because that means one more look at our precious little "Flicker" (with a higher quality machine, I might add) I was on board for it.

Let me start out by saying that the doctor's summary of our appointment today: "it couldn't have gone any better" ... if I could encourage any RE out there who might be reading this (um, yeah, all those RE's that read infertility blogs!) these are the exact words I wanted to hear.

Reasons for the great ultrasound:

1. Today was my 7w6d appointment and the baby was measuring ahead at 8w0d-8w1d.


2. The baby had a strong and steady heartbeat (they don't measure rate unless there is a problem)


3. The placenta is in the fundus (high in the uterus - I guess this is good so as to avoid previa)


4. There is no blood anywhere (it is very common that IVF pregnancies deal with bleeding)

Berilac and I were so relieved. We called our parents and we praised the Lord. I thought for sure I would need to cancel my plans for the weekend and for next weekend, but today we are still pregnant, so we have reason to celebrate - now I just have to remember what it's like to be happy and celebrate (stick out tongue here).

I will leave you with this: our 2 month old precious Flicker (aka, the blob in the center ... The black space is the gestational sac, the round thing at the top is the head, the rest is the body and the umbilical cord.)

Our next ultrasound is with our OB on Thursday, May 28th ... Lord keep our baby healthy and safe.