Friday, May 15, 2009

Celebration

What I know for sure: recurrent pregnancy scars run deep.

Heading into today's ultrasound I was sure I was going to get bad news. All I've ever known in this journey is waiting and heartache; I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea of thinking that things might work out ok.

I'm almost in shock that today's appointment went so well. I literally had imagined myself calling in sick today, curling up in a ball on my couch crying my eyes out while I rock back and forth holding my little doggie. But instead the appointment went great and I'm nearly in disbelief.

I want so badly to embrace this pregnancy. I want to celebrate the life inside me. But as a protection mechanism, I've disconnected quite a bit from this experience. I struggled today to remember that there is a baby in my womb. Even if the baby doesn't make it, it doesn't mean it wasn't God's creation. It's really awe-inspiring and I'm trying to minimize it, in order to survive should we lose the baby.

"The baby" ... there is a baby in there. Wow.

I thought today if other women would be telling people at this point. I thought about how other women might head to the baby store and purchase a cute little outfit or two to celebrate. I want to start looking at maternity clothes and dream about my body with a protruding belly. I want to argue with a close friend over how early to send out baby shower invitations. I want to plan a babymoon that will allow me to wear a bikini that showcases a beautifully full belly. I want to believe that this Christmas will bring us a child. But as I said ... the scars of recurrent pregnancy loss run deep.

I hope that as the weeks pass, not only will we experience more and more encouraging doctors appointments, but that we'll also learn to dream and to trust. I so badly don't want to be jaded anymore.

Ok, ok, enough about my heart ... let's get on to the details!

As I mentioned in a previous post my local monitoring fertility clinic offered to give me one more ultrasound before being transferred over to my OB's care ... and because that means one more look at our precious little "Flicker" (with a higher quality machine, I might add) I was on board for it.

Let me start out by saying that the doctor's summary of our appointment today: "it couldn't have gone any better" ... if I could encourage any RE out there who might be reading this (um, yeah, all those RE's that read infertility blogs!) these are the exact words I wanted to hear.

Reasons for the great ultrasound:
  1. Today was my 7w6d appointment and the baby was measuring ahead at 8w0d-8w1d.

  2. The baby had a strong and steady heartbeat (they don't measure rate unless there is a problem)

  3. The placenta is in the fundus (high in the uterus - I guess this is good so as to avoid previa)

  4. There is no blood anywhere (it is very common that IVF pregnancies deal with bleeding)

Berilac and I were so relieved. We called our parents and we praised the Lord. I thought for sure I would need to cancel my plans for the weekend and for next weekend, but today we are still pregnant, so we have reason to celebrate - now I just have to remember what it's like to be happy and celebrate (stick out tongue here).

I will leave you with this: our 2 month old precious Flicker (aka, the blob in the center ... The black space is the gestational sac, the round thing at the top is the head, the rest is the body and the umbilical cord.)


Our next ultrasound is with our OB on Thursday, May 28th ... Lord keep our baby healthy and safe.

32 comments:

  1. congrats!

    i know the scars of grief well...i too am having a hard time embracing this little one growing inside me. but i'm scared. my precious babies left my womb much too early and they have forever scarred me...

    praying for both of us that we can embrace this...trusting...believe that maybe this time, God will allow us babies to bring home. i know if he doesn't, He is still a good God...but really, i just want a baby to hold.

    congrats! i'm so happy for you!

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  2. i should have said "a baby to bring home..."

    that's all i want.

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  3. wonderful, wonderful news, polly. truly, your beautiful ultrasound makes my day. hooray!! congrats! i hope you and berilac celebrate this weekend. big hugs!

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  4. Polly

    Fantastic news! And of course you're a little gun-shy. i've often thought that after three losses if we are ever able to get pregnant again it will be a very anxious (but happy) experience. Sending you all the best!

    Mo

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  5. I am crying, balling my eyes out over here at my desk! I remember our first few ultrasounds I always envisioned leaving the office in tears and cancelling plans and work for the day. So so so glad things are going so well.

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  6. WooHoo!!!! Great news - and your baby is GORGEOUS!!!!

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  7. AWESOME news!!!! God is a GREAT God!!! Your little one looks Beautiful!! :)

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  8. Praise God! What a beautiful baby!!!

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  9. Reading this wonderful report has made my day. Yippee!! My wish for you is that you get more and more comfortable with the good news as it continues to roll in. And I agree -- that RE said EXACTLY the right thing today. Happy weekend!

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  10. Honey, this pregnancy is everything the others were not. You will proceed uneventfully. I hope it remains the most boring pregnancy so the only excitement is seeing your precious little one in 8 or so months! :)

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  11. oh wow - there really is a baby in there! So pleased this is going so well Polly. Your prayer for your baby is EXACTLY what I'm praying for mine!

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  12. I completely understand your hesitation about fully embracing your pregnancy after all you have been through. Congrats on the HB and baby in the sac!

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  13. Polly - I go through the same struggles every day. How I wish we could go back to being innocent and just believing that now that we're pregnant everything is going to be fine, but, we've just been through too much for that. But, we're both trying and I'm going to work on believing everything will be OK and look forward to the fun of going through the stages of pregnancy at the same time with you!

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  14. Is it okay for me to go out and buy cute baby stuff for you guys? Or would you rather have me wait until later on in the pregnancy?

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  15. Beautiful!!! Glad all is well!

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  16. I am so thrilled that you have nothing but great news to share with us. Congratulations to both you and B. Cute little baby growing in there.

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  17. Yay!!! I'm so happy for you guys!!! I missed your call, as I was subbing in First Grade that day. Good NIGHT, please let me never pursue a teaching credential.

    ILYMF, let's get together soon.

    PS: Not next weekend, cuz E and I are going AWAY for FOUR GLORIOUS DAYS!!! Woo Hoo!

    Love, Daisy

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  18. Hi Polly, I am so happy for you guys. I love that the RE said "it doesn't get any better". I remember how much I clung to our RE's words when he said "it was as good as it gets".

    Try to enjoy it even though you are scared and guarded. I have a good feeling about your little one.

    Jill (Canada)

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  19. Hi Polly, I am so happy for you guys. I love that the RE said "it doesn't get any better". I remember how much I clung to our RE's words when he said "it was as good as it gets".

    Try to enjoy it even though you are scared and guarded. I have a good feeling about your little one.

    Jill (Canada)

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  20. Hi Polly, I am so happy for you guys. I love that the RE said "it doesn't get any better". I remember how much I clung to our RE's words when he said "it was as good as it gets".

    Try to enjoy it even though you are scared and guarded. I have a good feeling about your little one.

    Jill (Canada)

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  21. AWESOME!!! I am so happy for you.

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  22. So glad to hear the good news.

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  23. So happy to hear the baby is doing well, the picture is adorable. Not sure if I told you, my February IVF cycle was a success, and I am 15 weeks now w/ twins. I totally understand what you mean by not being able to embrace the pregnancy completely. I am still afraid to shop for maternity clothes. I finally broke down and bought a be.lla band last week since I haven't been able to button my pants for a while now. Maybe I'll get out and get some tops next weekend after an appt on Thurs when we'll have an opportunity to hear the HBs again. I get so nervous before each appt, hoping only for good news.

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  24. Gorgeous!!!!! So glad your appointment went so well!
    -Bethany

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  25. Tears of joy and relief in my eyes for you, Polly. Praise God!

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  26. Congratulations! You and your little one will be in my prayers.

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  27. Hoping all this well this holiday weekend and you are relaxing poolside somewhere warm. {{hugs}}

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  28. Hoping you had some good news yesterday at your appointment. Thinking of you...

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  29. I hope you got some good news yesterday!

    APower (FFer)

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