This past weekend marked a huge milestone for us ... I can now say that this is our longest pregnancy.
I can't begin to describe the emotional process this has been.
As you've likely noticed, I haven't been as frequent with my posts as I once was. Not to worry, it doesn't mean I've been stressing out over everything, if anything I've been very detached from this pregnancy and this time away has allowed me to connect with "real life" rather than the WWW. For me, it's been an opportunity to get some distance between being on the Internet (and looking up scary things) and just trying to enjoy the day to day. I will say that I have been so grateful for each blood test and each ultrasound that has been reassuring, and the fact that we haven't experienced any bleeding (yet ... and let's hope we don't) we are beyond words grateful. The more time I spend in "real life" the more "normal" this pregnancy feels, if that makes sense.
A lot of women who are pregnant after infertility/loss talk about not knowing where they "fit in" are they infertiles are they fertiles? And I will say that in the beginning I knew exactly where I fit in ... on team infertile. I am a die hard loyalist. I would shock myself as I would look at a pregnant belly and think "she doesn't even know what a gift she's got!" (being completely judgemental and all ... heck, she could have spent years waiting for that belly) ... all the while stowing away my own little pregnant belly ... but I did not want to be "one of them." However, I know that one day (soon, I hope) I will have no choice but to join team fertile ... and even in that transition, you can count on me to represent our team well. When we jump in with both feet, I will not forget the place from where I came.
I spent Memorial Day weekend with some old friends, and as I prepared for the weekend, I took extra time to select cute outfits and matching shoes ... I even packed makeup! (It's been a LOOOOONG time since I've cared what I look like) and I made sure that we executed our schedule to a T, so that we would arrive on time to let the fun weekend begin (also not common for us ;-) ... and there I was, spending time with friends ... caring about my appearance, looking forward to seeing folks, engaging in conversations, getting energized by time with people - rather than being sapped and crying at every "alone" opportunity. You see, I was realizing that I was coming back to Polly. My personality was coming back, my zest for life was coming back, I was coming back. Only, I wasn't and I'm not ... the same Polly I had been 3 years ago. When my girlfriends asked me how I was doing, I didn't mean to breakdown in tears, but I did. I am so incredibly grateful to have my life (a life) back and I am so incredibly grateful for all of the wonderful things that have happened through this extremely painful journey, and I want to honor those experiences. But I also want to honor the major sense of loss that coming back to myself has pointed out. I am no longer the same woman. I am not sure if I'm angry about that or grateful for that. I can no longer look at people the same way. I can no longer experience life the same way. I am softened. I am compassionate. I am praying to God that this will continue to mold me and shape me to become more like him ... and that He will continue to move me further and further away from feelings of bitterness and betrayal.
I'm not sure how other women have navigated this. I know for me, it's been and it will continue to be a growth process that sharpens me ... there will be no light switch moment where I go from being infertile to fertile. But I know that each milestone carries me further and further into facing a change in my life.
I'm sorry I haven't shared this as much as I could have ... I hope to keep you in the loop better, once I jump in with both feet. Which, by the way, my OB has suggested I wait until 15 weeks to do, rather than 12 1/2 ... she's on vacation during my 14th week or else she would have suggested that ... bummer for postponing the all-out celebration.
Thanks for listening (again) ...
Done, and Yet, Not Done
5 months ago