Monday, June 8, 2009

Milestone: Our longest pregnancy

This past weekend marked a huge milestone for us ... I can now say that this is our longest pregnancy.

I can't begin to describe the emotional process this has been.

As you've likely noticed, I haven't been as frequent with my posts as I once was. Not to worry, it doesn't mean I've been stressing out over everything, if anything I've been very detached from this pregnancy and this time away has allowed me to connect with "real life" rather than the WWW. For me, it's been an opportunity to get some distance between being on the Internet (and looking up scary things) and just trying to enjoy the day to day. I will say that I have been so grateful for each blood test and each ultrasound that has been reassuring, and the fact that we haven't experienced any bleeding (yet ... and let's hope we don't) we are beyond words grateful. The more time I spend in "real life" the more "normal" this pregnancy feels, if that makes sense.

A lot of women who are pregnant after infertility/loss talk about not knowing where they "fit in" are they infertiles are they fertiles? And I will say that in the beginning I knew exactly where I fit in ... on team infertile. I am a die hard loyalist. I would shock myself as I would look at a pregnant belly and think "she doesn't even know what a gift she's got!" (being completely judgemental and all ... heck, she could have spent years waiting for that belly) ... all the while stowing away my own little pregnant belly ... but I did not want to be "one of them." However, I know that one day (soon, I hope) I will have no choice but to join team fertile ... and even in that transition, you can count on me to represent our team well. When we jump in with both feet, I will not forget the place from where I came.

I spent Memorial Day weekend with some old friends, and as I prepared for the weekend, I took extra time to select cute outfits and matching shoes ... I even packed makeup! (It's been a LOOOOONG time since I've cared what I look like) and I made sure that we executed our schedule to a T, so that we would arrive on time to let the fun weekend begin (also not common for us ;-) ... and there I was, spending time with friends ... caring about my appearance, looking forward to seeing folks, engaging in conversations, getting energized by time with people - rather than being sapped and crying at every "alone" opportunity. You see, I was realizing that I was coming back to Polly. My personality was coming back, my zest for life was coming back, I was coming back. Only, I wasn't and I'm not ... the same Polly I had been 3 years ago. When my girlfriends asked me how I was doing, I didn't mean to breakdown in tears, but I did. I am so incredibly grateful to have my life (a life) back and I am so incredibly grateful for all of the wonderful things that have happened through this extremely painful journey, and I want to honor those experiences. But I also want to honor the major sense of loss that coming back to myself has pointed out. I am no longer the same woman. I am not sure if I'm angry about that or grateful for that. I can no longer look at people the same way. I can no longer experience life the same way. I am softened. I am compassionate. I am praying to God that this will continue to mold me and shape me to become more like him ... and that He will continue to move me further and further away from feelings of bitterness and betrayal.

I'm not sure how other women have navigated this. I know for me, it's been and it will continue to be a growth process that sharpens me ... there will be no light switch moment where I go from being infertile to fertile. But I know that each milestone carries me further and further into facing a change in my life.

I'm sorry I haven't shared this as much as I could have ... I hope to keep you in the loop better, once I jump in with both feet. Which, by the way, my OB has suggested I wait until 15 weeks to do, rather than 12 1/2 ... she's on vacation during my 14th week or else she would have suggested that ... bummer for postponing the all-out celebration.

Thanks for listening (again) ...
Polly

24 comments:

  1. congrats on this great milestone!

    in all of my pregnancies, i've never once felt "fertile". we go through so much to get pregnant and then to carry a pregnancy that I dont think that I could ever feel "fertile".

    but, however you identify yourself, positive thinking and warm thoughts towards our bulging bellies and babies is a top priority. Good luck on the remainder of your pregnancy!

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  2. I'm so happy your starting to feel more like yourself! Praise God for a healthy baby!

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  3. I still don't feel as though I 'belong'...I don't think anyone can really understand that, unless they've been down the road of infertility.

    I do have to say, that I have a wonderful feeling about your pregnancy. I continue to pray for God to bless you with a healthy baby.

    ((hugs))

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  4. Congrats on making it this far Polly! I will keep routing for you and hoping that this pregnancy is the one!!! You deserve all the happiness in the world after what you've been through. every infertile does. I hope you make it to the land of the fertile where you can celebrate the new life inside you soon. It's wonderful on this side of the fence -- I had a hard time crossing over, but now, with each day growing closer to the actual birth, I cannot help counting all my blessings and being so grateful. and hopefully (FINALLY) holding that little in my arms soon. I wish you the exact same thing!

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  5. Polly, this is such an important and wonderful milestone for you. I think everyone NEEDS to get over the hump of the last place of success/failure in order to get to the enjoyment part. And you're there girl - so embrace it and bask in the much anticipated and much deserved pregnancy and baby that's coming! (I'm telling you, uneventful the whole way!)

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  6. I'm glad you've made it past your milestone, Polly! That's wonderful news.

    I hope you have lots and lots of milestones ahead, too!

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  7. Congrats Polly! I'm so glad that you've made it past this milestone and can't wait for you to get to the next one.

    I'm so happy to hear that you are finding yourself again. I know I have definitely lost myself along the way and can't wait for the day that I begin to feel more like myself too. I'm very happy that everything is progressing well and can't wait for more good news.

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  8. Yay for this milestone! It sounds like things are going so well! Keep the good news coming :)

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  9. I like how you say "WHEN we jump in with both feet"--that's positive thinking. Way to go! Keep up the positive thinking and embrace the joy :)

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  10. Great report, great news, another milestone, WOOT!

    I am here, with you. And I know what you mean. Infertiles fertile? I was at a lost too.

    Huge hugs.

    I'm here, every step of the way.

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  11. Congratulations on the milestone! I totally understand taking time away. Both before and after this BFP, I have thought about it. I'll probably slow down a little on the blog but still check up on everyone else:-) I think I need to start to feel normal again and I hope it hits me about the same time it did you...b/c right now I feel like an infertile navigating very scary waters! So happy to hear about you returning to yourself - it gives me some hope!

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  12. Congratulations on reaching this huge milestone, Polly. I am in the same place you are, still too cautious to really celebrate yet. Let your 15 week milestone get here super-quick so that you can really enjoy this.

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  13. Congratulations on this milestone!

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  14. Yipee on making this milestone, Polly. Fabulous news!

    I can tell you that I never made the leap from team infertile to team fertile... IF sticks with you, it molds you, it shapes your view of the world. Well, at least it has for me.

    Anyway, no matter how you process it, IF affects you long after a healthy baby pops out, even if you find yourself identifying with the fertiles. It makes you appreciate and savor every moment of the baby's life that much more.

    I'm really happy to hear that you're finding yourself (your new self) again. It's hard when so much of your life has been wrapped up in the IF identity, but you are doing it well. Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself and celebrating that beautiful life inside of you. (And, way to go on ignoring the impulse to consult Dr. Google and freak yourself out! No need!) xo

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  15. Stepping away from the WWW after such intense use (it's such a lifeline for IF-ers!) is a great way to reconnect with yourself. I'm glad things are moving along as they should!

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  16. Hi Polly, what a wonderful milestone to celebrate. I can't imagine what the identity crisis is truly like but thank you for your sensitivity. Also remember you are MORE than the Polly you once were - and along with your new baby, who knows where this new consciousness will bring you. Looking forward to hearing xxx

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  17. I'm glad you're finding life and happiness again.

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  18. I am so happy for you!! ((Super Hugs)) Praying for you and little one :)

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  19. I recently found your blog from the BabyLoss Director, and am so glad to hear that this pregnancy is moving right along! I'm just starting to move on from our third loss, and your faith and perspective gives me so much hope. God bless! You'll be in my prayers!

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  20. Enjoy each milestone as you can. Slowly. Surely. You'll enjoy it more and more. :) COngrats.

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  21. Great to hear that everything is save. I hope you will be stronger everything and that you will worry lesser everyday when the baby starts kicking.

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  22. Oh Polly I'm so happy to read about these newest milestones and see a photo of your beautiful baby! I know what you mean about team infertile. It took me a long time to adjust to having a normal pregnancy. You will adjust, though and then be in the throws of motherhood and it will seem like you have a completely different life. I'm very removed from infertility now that Zeke is almost a year, and I never thought that would be possible. I won't ever forget the ones we lost, but my heart is full of living this new life that has a baby in it every single day.
    Anyway, I have faith and much hope for you and this little one and will keep you both in prayer. You've been on a long hard journey, and I'm glad you are walking through a more joyous time and discovering some of your old happiness back again. Love you.

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