Tuesday, April 14, 2009

7dp3dt - not feeling the love

I know it's too early to know anything for certain - especially when a blood test is NOT involved, but I will tell you that I'm not feeling it. And if I were pregnant with triplets - I'd be feeling it, I'm sure. It doesn't even seem to me that I'm pregnant with one, let alone three.

I have not POAS today, but I did test out my trigger. I just wanted to make sure the trigger was gone ... to allow the option of testing early, but testing out trigger was so traumatizing that I've decided I'm just going to wait until beta. I will not POAS until just before beta - to prepare myself for the news of the dreaded call.

Days are dragging on.

Work seems unbearable.

Distractions are hard to find.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck.

Pray for me if you think of it - I'm really struggling with feeling loved by God. All I can do is cry out and cling to some good old scripture ...

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

How do you maintain hope while trying to prepare yourself emotionally for the worst? I want to stay hopeful, but at the same time, I don't want to be winded by the blow to the gut should the results come back negative - how does one keep this in balance?

Please continue to hold my hand while I wait ...


  1. I know this has been a traumatic road for you, but don't give up hope. One does not know they are pg this early. Wait on the Lord and wait on the blood test. Keep your beautiful smile on your face and rest in your Lord Jesus, He is right beside you, waiting and hoping for your to snuggle in and relax.

    May God be gracious to YOU and bless us and make his face shine upon YOU, that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations. May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you. Psalm 67:1-3

  2. No answers for you, just hand holding and nodding that I know some of what you're feeling. Praying for you; hoping FOR you, even if you're finding it difficult to hope for yourself.

  3. Polly, please don't give up. I am praying for your strength and that your have some sticky little beans in there!

  4. I'm going to be a voice of reason during a time when you are struggling to be able to do that. I cannot imagine the emotional roller coaster, and was so thrilled to get off of it when we decided no more infertility treatments. BUT, you cannot tell you are pregnant yet. It's not possible. I know some people say they "just knew" but there is not enough hormone in one's system this early to have any effect on you. Hope is not at all lost!! I have several friends who got pg via IVF and JUST KNEW they were NOT pregnant and lo and behold they have beautiful children now.

    On the other hand, resting in God's complete will can be difficult when we want something so badly. He will bring about His will for His glory in His timing....and we pray that this is it!!

    Sending hugs and prayers!

  5. Keep your head up. It's way too early to tell if you are pregnant or not. Think positive, like your shirt said. It's not easy, I know, but it's the only way you can get through this craziness. Lean on Berilac. He's there to support you. You aren't doing this alone.

  6. This is such a hard time right now and I know that every minute of every hour of every day seems to crawl by with agonizing slowness. I really hope that you find some peace in your faith. Hang on tight.

  7. I'm here to hold your hand, Polly. I'm sorry the waiting is so tough. I hope the rest of it goes by much faster. I understand the wanting the be hopeful part and the wanting to be prepared part (whatever that feels like.) I hope that you get some very good news very soon. Thinking of you.


  8. Ugh... well, it's not over 'til it's over, but I totally agree with pp about it still being way early for any kind of definitive answer. I wouldn't go out on a drinking binge just yet. (but a - beta def. gives you all the right in the world to do just that!
    Eeek, these days just have to be crawling along... I have a lot of respect for you for holding out until the beta. I *so* couldn't do that.

  9. This has to be one of the worst parts of the whole process. I'm so sorry for your agony!! No symptoms is a good sign, so don't despair if you don't feel anything. Many hugs to you!

  10. You are still PUPO. For what it's worth, and granted that may not be much, I was also convinced until 8DP3DT that it didn't work. I was wrong, but only if you squinted your eyes, crossed them, and let them water. I didn't get a clear + until 9DP3DT.


  11. It's still early, I definitely agree with the others.
    I hate the waiting, the agony, and I know it's hard to hold onto hope. Let us do it for you.
    Sending hugs and hope and prayers for peace.

  12. Holding your hand and praying for you, Polly....

    What has God planned for you? If I had answers to that, I would not be so desperate.

  13. Holding onto hope over here. Lots and lots and lots of hope...

  14. I so remember this feeling. I'm holding your hand, girl. I'm also holding you up in prayer.


  15. Hey you,
    Let me tell you as a mother of multiples, that you cannot know this early. You need to wait a few weeks (unbearable, I know--but not in the same way). Then, hopefully you'll be buying a pound of beef with a pregnancy test! (although you may have plenty on hand!).
    Listen to your heart, (and your shirt and...)"Think Positively" and cling to God's Word! Hug yourself and love yourself.
    Love you!

  16. Holding your hand and keeping the hope alive for you, sweetie.

    It's just too early to know. We're conditioned for failure in this process so that is where our thoughts tend to go.

    There is no way to prepare yourself emotionally for the worst. No matter what you do or how hard you try a negative will just hurt. So just keep that hope going, okay?

  17. The waiting is aweful - i'm saying prayers for you! I'm so hopeful for you Polly! ((hugs))

  18. I am holding your hand and praying for you right now!!Right now the Lord is carring you!! :)

    Footprints In The Sand

    One night a man had a dream.
    He dreamed he was walking across the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
    For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

    When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
    He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. he also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

    This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
    "Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You,
    You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
    there is only one set of footprints.
    I don't understand why, when I needed You the most You would leave me."

    The Lord replied,
    "My son, my precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one
    set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

  19. Here for you, believing in you, believing for you.

  20. I am SO sorry that I haven't been around. I read through your recent posts and replied to your email. Just wanna say that I will always be here for you, and I believe that you will reach your resolution and when that day comes, I'll be there for you, just as you have always been there for me.


  21. I have read those verses more times than I can count during the last few years! I also recommend Isaiah 40, (and Psalm 73, of course, for the really bad days!!)

    I will continue to pray for you through this hard, hard time of waiting.

  22. The 2WW is just torture and tries the faith and patience of most. Hang in there as best as you can and force a different thought into your head when the doubts creep in (very much harder to do than say, I know).

  23. I understand how hard it is to maintain hope as we head toward beta...we will maintain hope for you.
    I am praying for you guys right now, that you have some respite from the worrie, and mostly that you are surprised by good news like sooooo many others have been who were convinced that it didn't work...peace

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  25. Oh Polly, I feel for you. Finding that balance between letting yourself be hopeful and trying to protect yourself is one of the most difficult aspects of all of this for me. I haven’t figured it out yet and I doubt I ever will. All we can do it just keep on doing the best that we can. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and hoping for a positive outcome soon.

  26. I will say that the one time I actually was pregnant from all of this IVF stuff (really pregnant) I was convinced that it didn't work. In fact, all the other times, I was convinced it DID work, except that one time. DH made me POAS - yup, for once I was convinced it was BFN and I didn't poas (and I'm an addict). I was so sure that I didn't feel anything at all. So keep hoping. I will be hoping and praying for you and your little triplets!

  27. The answer is... you don't! It was easiest for me to just be negative and not get my hopes up, but who am I kidding even when I was negative and set myself up for dissapointment it hurt like heck. So I often wonder why I did that. I found just trying to ignore it was best. I am praying for you... and just because you don't feel anything doesn't mean you aren't. I was almost positive my period was going to start at any moment.

  28. Hello Polly,

    You don't know me, but I stumbled upon your blog at the beginning of your IVF cycle and have been anxiously awaiting your news. I just wanted to let you know that even people you don't know are hoping and praying for you.

    My husband and I are headed to CCRM next month and your journey is helping to prepare us for ours.

    Once again, I am hoping and praying for you from miles away.


  29. I didn't start feeling any symptoms of pregnancy until the day AFTER AF was due. And even then those symptoms weren't blaring. I was so discouraged with this last IVF cycle that I started researching adoption. I just wasn't feeling it either. But it did work for us even though I thought it didn't.

    Its okay to feel discouraged. I think we all do that to protect our hearts. The rest of us will hold onto the hope for you.

    aka spider47

  30. Polly,

    I did not feel any symptoms with this pregnancy until I was six weeks pregnant. Honest! Other than missing my period, I would not have known.

  31. OK, this is probably not the most uplifting answer I could give, but, honestly, I don't think you can balance hope and preparing for the worst, especially when you have been through as much as we have. When I was sure that this cycle did not work, I was distraught. Even though I knew that nothing was official yet, I was convinced that it didn't work and there was no hope that was going to cling back into my psyche. The good news is that we have the capacity to feel better almost instantaneously and I'm praying that you experience that!! And, I'm praying for you to have the strength to get there!

  32. Thinking of you and praying for you. Keep the faith!


  33. Hello Polly, consider your hand held from Ireland. There's a lady who posts on one of the boards over here who had NO symptoms, was devastated, despairing, bargaining with the Universe, going through all the cr*p that you're going through.

    And hello?

    Proud mother of 7 month old triplets.

    On previous failed treatments, I have been convinced I was pregnant and wasn't. You just cannot tell. And I agree you cannot maintain a balance between hope and preparing for bad news; it's impossible and you've been through too much as it is. Mind yourself. Many, many people are praying for you and your DH and your embies. Hang in there xxx

  34. Oh, sweetie, you must be a mess. Hang tight. It really is early, and though you've been pregnant before and know what it feels like, every pregnancy presents differently. With Z I knew right away. This time, I didn't have symptoms until I was 6 weeks. Don't lose hope yet.... thinking of you!!! xoxo

  35. There's a verse in the Bible that might be of some comfort for you. It's from Mark 11:24. "Therefore, I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours."
    I am praying so hard for ya'll... HUGS!!!!

  36. Oh man... that terrible feeling of doubt. Not sure how you can circumvent it. It's just there, festering. But you're in the game until proven otherwise. Try to retain some shred of hope... you've got lots of reason to hang on. Many women say they feel nothing, and then... magic. It can happen for you. In spite of all the failure so many of our dear friends here have endured, I still believe miracles do happen. I am believing this for you.

    You will live through this.

    Holding your hand, sitting right beside you at this time...

  37. Thinking of you and this upcoming test! I know all about the worries! Its all in God's Hands!

  38. Hang in there sweetie! Try to see a movie if you can. That always helps me. Its almost a definite 2hour block of time when you are not thinking about your beta.

  39. Hey woman -- I left a message on your cell but I hadn't seen this post yet (I was in the tub!!!). Call me if you need a shoulder -- looks like there are 38 shoulders ahead of me though!

    We're on spring break this week -- want us to come down and hang with you for the afternoon? We'll be there in a jiffy. ILYMF and am praying for you both.

  40. Thinking of you throughout what must seem like an incredibly long 2ww.

    My symptoms only really began around 10-11 dpo, 6dpSET, with sharp cramps one night, then returned bloating and BB soreness.

    I hope you are soon sharing some of the best months of your life here instead of some of what will hopefully prove to have been the most difficult ever.

    *hugs to you both*
    Tia (from FF ART board)

  41. I am wishing you the best. I thought we'd have an update by now. Is beta tomorrow? Good luck. Hope you are distracted and resting.

  42. Polly - As someone who was pregnant with IVF triplets, I can tell you I felt NOTHING until about 6 weeks. So, don't give up yet. I do know exactly what you're going through and know that I'm in the trenches with you. Kate