Monday, May 4, 2009

Anticipation

On Friday we got more good news on the hormone front. After cutting out estrogen support entirely my hormone levels came back higher than they were when I was on support! (Up to 862 from 739). And the progesterone level stayed the same (31.4) even though I had cut my progesterone support in half. So we are staying off of estrogen support and we are done monitoring estrogen levels and Saturday night was my "last" Endometrin, we will check the progesterone level tomorrow morning and if all looks well, I will have weaned off of hormone support at 6 weeks. Although scary for me, this is good news.

And if you're paying attention ... tomorrow is our first ultrasound. After so many things going well, many people think that:
1.) I'm ecstatic to be pregnant
2.) I am hopeful

... now don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to be pregnant, but I've been here before, and because of that - I'm scared that this one will end like all the others before it. I do want to be hopeful, but I have such major trust issues. I have such a hard time not thinking that everything is going to come crashing down around me - that's how I feel in life in general, imagine how it must feel in this circumstance!

Berilac and I had a long conversation this weekend. Berilac was really thinking that I had been lifted out of my depression (for lack of a better term) and while it's true that my emotional state has lightened dramatically, I'm still not "happy" or "back to my old self" ... if anything, I'm struggling to stay hopeful as the days pass after good hormone results and I try my best not to think that yes the recent hormone results were good, but TODAY (2-3 days past the last good hormone level results) ... the worst is happening - but it's hard. In our conversation we realized that I look at this experience as one long running 3 year heartache and Berilac looks at each instance (each pregnancy and each treatment) as a seperate event, and this "event" is going well, so he's excited.

I want to be hopeful, but I'm scared ... and for good reason. I've been burned before.

When the nurses told me that my second beta was great and that my ultrasound would be scheduled for 6 and a half week check-in on Cinco de Mayo I thought ... how am I ever going to make it to May 5th before getting an ultrasound? And of course, the days at work DRAGGED by. The weekends provided a much needed break from the slow motion experience of 9 to 5. Then I wake up this morning to realize that the ultrasound is tomorrow ... and I'm practically having a panic attack, today can't go by slow enough ... I don't want to go to an ultrasound tomorrow! What if we get horrible news? When we had first learned of our Tuesday appointment, Berilac and I had toyed with the idea of postponing the ultrasound until Friday (as we've never gotten good news at an ultrasound and it's much easier to be alone when you're dealing with difficult news like a poor ultrasound rather than at work) but then we realized that we'd rather know sooner than later if things weren't going well - so we've kept our Cinco de Mayo appointment.

When I think of our appointment tomorrow, I'm not excited ... I'm terrified. The anticipation is grueling ... I think I'll go back to work and pretend like nothing is going on ... (visualize me: plugging ears and humming "la, la, la, la, la, la, ...") ... yeah, denial and distraction ... nobody can compete with these rock solid coping mechanisms.

26 comments:

  1. I’m so glad to hear that your numbers are so great even after coming off of some of the supplementation, what great news! You are completely justified in how you feel. I think that with everything that you’ve been through, to NOT feel guarded and apprehensive about the entire situation would be strange. I’ve got my fingers crossed for good news tomorrow.

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  2. Great news girlie! I think women in general deal with the "accumulation of feelings" vs men, who can isolate insidences...so you're not alone there. I am praying for continued success, as we all want this to work out for you. Hoping and praying with you....

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  3. I just continue to get more and more excited for you guys! I'll be thinking about you tomorrow...I'll be at my first OB apptm! :)

    Continuing to pray for you and your sweet baby.

    ((HUGS))

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  4. I know how scary that appt tomorrow is. I'm excited for my FET but, in my mind, I'm hoping for that BFP but also wonder if I'll ever want an u/s b/c I have such bad associations with them, but I know when the time comes, I'll want to assure myself that everything is okay. But, it is SCARY.
    You are doing great! the hormone levels are amazing. Truthfully, I think this is IT for you. So, I'm going to be excited for you!

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  5. Sending you all the prayers and positive thoughts I possibly can... HUGS!

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  6. While I don't claim to fully understand what you are feeling, I have some idea and I can empathize. I remember all too well the doom and gloom feelings before every appointment and just feeling generally scared during the first 20 weeks or so. I remember feeling ungrateful knowing that so many would love to be in my place, but that doesn't make it any easier to get through. Miscarriage robs us of so much and it doesn't end with pregnancy. You have been so strong throughout everything, and you can do this too. There are no magic cures and no magic pills. My only assvice - get as many sonograms/ultrasounds as you can. It really does help get through the next week, but no jokes, it's hard to even wait a week sometimes. Each milestone is amazing and I hope so much that you feel some relief tomorrow as you see and hopefully hear the heartbeat of your beautiful baby. {{hugs}}

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  7. Good luck! I have a Cinco de Mayo ER tomorrow that I, too, thought would never get here. :-)

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  8. Good luck Polly, I'll be thinking of you. I also feel VERY POSITIVE for you both about your u/s tomorrow elliej xxx

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  9. Sing Praises (if not out loud, then internally), it brings health to the bones (and embryos)! Positive vibes, babe, positive vibes. Babies don't like anxiety ;) Love you and hoping for you...
    Shannon

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  10. I'm trying to leave my name in this window so you know I'm not "anonymous"! Let's see if this works...
    Shannon

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  11. I know you're worried. You're looking at the only concrete evidence at your disposal: what HAS happened in the past. You have not yet experienced a healthy, successful pregnancy. So you have no idea what that could possibly feel like in the long term, let alone how you might feel (even if that outcome were somehow assured) at this very moment in your pregnancy.

    So I am worried too. Not because I think this won't work, mind you. (I am extremely hopeful, I know it CAN work, and pray it WILL!!) But because I know something of what you're feeling, I feel that worry right along with you.

    The best news is that worrying will not change anything and you can deal with good news as you get it. You can opt to be happily surprised each time you get some, every step of the way.

    I'll keep rooting and cheering and praying that this is your time.

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  12. Yippee it worked... Now, I wanna go to the ultrasound with you!

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  13. Woohooo!!! So glad you numbers are looking great! I'll be praying for a great u/s tomorrow!

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  14. Yes, be ECSTATIC! This is YOUR time to be glowing and happy - enjoy it!

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  15. I swear I have such good feeling about your US tomorrow! I will be thinking of you and wishing you have wonderful US results tomorrow!

    Keep us posted!

    Mom2beASAP from IVFConnections

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  16. Good luck tomorrow. I wish I had a crystal ball. I hope you have a Feliz Cinco de Mayo

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  17. Hoping and praying for you!

    Good luck tomorrow.

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  18. Wishing all the best for you for tomorrow!

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  19. Denial is a my best buddy! I hear you about all your feelings and can relate on many levels. I think all signs are pointing in a good direction, Polly. Do what you can to just enjoy this time. I'll be praying for a lovely and very obvious heartbeat(s) tomorrow.
    Anne

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  20. Good luck tomorrow! Everything is crossed.

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  21. Hang in there. I hope you have a great u/s tomorrow! After enduring losses, pregnancy becomes 1,000 times more stressful than cycling itself, so I think everything you're feeling is totally normal.

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  22. hey miss polly - thinking of you today and will be stalking the blog for any updates. Kate

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  23. I felt the same way at my first ultrasound. I didn't want to go, I wanted another day of peace. Turns out it was all good news as I pray yours is too. We have an u/s set for today too! I will be thinking and praying for you. Looking forward to an update as soon as you can.

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  24. Polly, I'm so excited for you and waiting to get an amazing report today (Cinco de Mayo! Big celebration day - I'll have a Margarita in your honor!)

    Listen, I'm going undercover :) (just making my blog private)

    Please send me an email to skygarrett@yahoo.com so I can add you to the list. You'll only have to sign in once then and check off "remember me" and I think that's it, it'll be open to you always in future.

    Hugs!
    Sky

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