Tag, I'm it.

The meme rules:

• Link to the person that tagged you.
• Post the rules on your blog.
• Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
• Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
• Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
• Let the fun begin!

Thank you Daisy for the tag!

1. I don't like chocolate, but when I'm with friends, if someone orders something chocolate for dessert - I always have to try it ... just to see if I've learned to like it yet. Update as of Saturday, January 12th 2008: I still don't like chocolate.
2. I was awarded more than $2500 in a class action lawsuit - I didn't initiate any of it!
3. I was in a near plane crash (United flight on a puddle jumper from Kalamazoo Michigan to Chicago O'Hare) with my dear friend Daisy! Summary: alarms were going off, flight attendants were swearing as they were ignoring the passengers, the sound that you would associate with a plane falling to the depths - actually happens, pilot pulled out of the dive at the last minute, made a U-Turn and did an emergency landing at the airport we had just taken off from. There was an electrical fire on board the plane.
4. After four years of weekly appointments, I officially graduated from counseling in 2004! (but now after three losses - I need to get my butt back in there)
5. I don't know how to freestyle swim.
6. I've been proposed to more than once. After one "no", one "we have to call this off", and one "if you ask me to marry you I'll say no" I said "yes" to my husband and can confidentially say that I have the best husband on the planet - guess I said "yes" (and followed through) with the right man!

I'm tagging:

• Amy from: Maybe, Baby
• pamela.ilovemcdreamy from: Your Kiss Is on My List, Your Kiss I Can't Resist
• Hillary from: Dan & Hillary and little Russell
  

Less is more

Because I am so open about my losses with all of my IRL friends: family, close friends, even work colleagues! and because my three losses have spanned the course of 17 months (and counting) I have heard many people say the "wrong thing" in response to hearing about miscarriage ... the wrong thing according to someone who's experienced loss.

I have my days were some things people say hit a painful chord for me, but I am blessed in that a majority of the days I do not harbor pain but rather understand that the responding person is really only trying to be helpful. I draw from my personal past experience of saying insensitive things to others going through loss (previous to my own experiences with loss) in order to find grace for those who make some of these potentially painful comments to me.

I remember some of the things I have said to others going through miscarriage or loss:

• you're young - you have plenty of time (or anything that has to do with time)
• you'll have a family someday (or "it'll happen")
• it's all about stress, relax and you'll have a baby

and then there are other things that I may not have said to anyone, stuff that I've heard (not personally in most cases) that have caused pain:

• it was just a miscarriage, not a baby
• it wasn't meant-to-be/God's plan
• maybe you want a baby too much, so God isn't giving you one
• maybe you're not ready to be a parent
• it was for the best since the baby probably wasn't good anyhow
• at least you don't have deal with my [insert pregnancy/infant/toddler complaints here]
• well at least you're having fun trying

... I know there are others I'm just not thinking of them right now (I have a bad memory).

I am an active member of a few fertility boards and I find that many infertiles are plauged with insensitive friends. However, I believe that most infertiles hear the insensitivity in the comment - even if it's not meant to be communicated that way. (We who are going through fertility issues are also dealing with a lot of pain, which causes a less then healthy emotional state [I know this all to well] we are pretty tattered having experienced what we have - so I believe that yes, some of these comments seem insensitive .... but you have to remember that we are in a sensitive state, so even comments that weren't meant to hurt are still heard with a sting.) I also believe that these friends may not be "insensitive" but rather - unaware. I'm constantly confronted with people IRL who are suprised that I'm taking these losses so hard. So part of the purpose of this post (and really this blog in general) is to help those who don't get it ... get it.

My motivation for this post, is for "friends of infertiles" to read and understand how best to respond when hearing about a miscarriage, either the woman's first or (God forbid) her fourteenth. Really, the best thing to say is .... as little as possible! Coupled with a hug and maybe a card, a drink, some flowers, some chocolate, some coffee - really, whatever your infertile friend enjoys. But the main point is ... words are best in moderation. (and no, I'm not lobbying for some goodies should I have a next miscarriage ;-))

At work they did a training presentation on how to best handle someone who has recently gone through a traumatic event (specific event not applicable to this post) ... anyhow the psychologist said that the 50 first words said are the most important to the recipient, and she proceeded to hand out a little card that we can carry with us in case we were ever in the situation to use it. As I read the card I realized the first part of it (the stuff that was non-event specific) is so applicable for someone going through loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death).

Here's the suggested words to use:
"I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault. How can I help?"

So when at a loss for words ... remember this phrase, and follow it up with a big hug.

***Note to all my IRL friends: no need to be concerned about any comments you may have said to me in the past. I have a horrible memory (just ask Berilac! He's never having to deal with me drudging up the past - short term memory is all I've got!) so even if you did say something - I honestly don't remember. I'm not thinking of any specific comment made to me by anyone. I am not upset about anything that was said or not said, done or not done ... I'm only trying to help people understand a bit more about what it's like to experience loss like this ... and perhaps provide some insight to those who haven't experienced it to know how to better love people who are suffering with this.

What if the fertile myrtle's of the world did ART?

Reference data:

ART = assisted reproductive technology (clomid, ovulation trigger, super ovulation injects, IUI, IVF, and the like)

In any given natural menstrual cycle there is a less than 20% chance of success. That's more than an 80% chance of failure ... for any woman.

There is a society that tracks the national average of success rates for the many fertility clinics nation-wide ... there is a 43% chance that a "fresh IVF" cycle will result in a pregnancy, of those same "fresh cycles" 37% will result in the live birth of a child. (wow, I'm surprised, that statistic shows that there is a low rate of miscarriage - hey, that's good news!)

***

Ok, now I'm not talking about the super human fertile ... the ones that get pg with each healthy child within three months of trying ... I think these ladies lie on the other end of the spectrum (being stepford wives and all) ... but rather the more average women, who take 6, 8, or 10 months ... Are there any studies out there showing what their ART success rates would be?

If "normal" women have an 80% chance at failure each month (and they do fail) then doesn't that stand to reason that they may fall into the "failure" group for IVF treatments? Might they fail by fluke? or is it that b/c they have everything working for them (hormones, plumbing, the mighty army of hubby's soldiers) then they would have an IVF success rate substantially higher than the infertile who are practicing these techniques?

I guess we'll never know, b/c what right minded fertile myrtle is ganna shell out $20k+ to see if they can fail ... when they can get knocked up on mr sealy posturpedic at home for free rather than inviting the team of doctors to get a better look at them while they are sitting spread eagle for all the world to see, in their womanly appointment stirrups?

I'm asking all of this b/c sometimes I get focused on the failure rate rather than the success rate ... (I know, I should remain positive) ... but I'm really just hoping that our plight isn't as "bad" as we think it is. Perhaps if "normal" women did ART ... not every cycle of theirs would be successful, right? So if ours aren't successful ... well it's not surprising ... we expect a little failure then a little success.

Note: I do think that their success rate in doing ART would be higher ... as first of all, it's just makes sense that it would be that way, but secondly b/c as I mentioned earlier: with each cycle there is a 20% chance of success ... what I didn't say was that if a couple makes it one year without conceiving their monthly success rate DROPS severly to 2-3% chance of success per month ... most women who frequent the doctor's who would do these ART procedures (RE's) these women are finally there b/c they weren't able to successfully conceive on their own after 12 months.

Loss depicted on the big screen

"PS I Love You" hit me straight in the heart.

Overall I really enjoyed this movie. I won't spend time here discussing the theatrical value, nor the plot ... this post is really for people who have seen the movie - as in just a few short sentences I will be revealing some scenes that should be learned about in the context of the movie.

Remember the scene, (ok, here I go, spoiling the plot ... please don't continue reading unless you've seen the movie or you're ok with me spoiling it for you!) the scene where the three girlfriends are sitting on a rowboat in the middle of a lake in Ireland? They all have their parkas on, as they have fumbled their oars right into the water and are waiting (like damsels in distress!) to be rescued by the seemingly absent existence of people on the shores. ... in this scene the married girlfriend says "well I hope we get off this boat before nine months is up" (or something along those lines) and then she reveals that she's pregnant and didn't want to announce her news until after their big trip (as the focus of the trip was supposed to be on Hillary's healing, not celebrating a pregnancy) congratulations were shared ... then the single girlfriend (Phoebe from "Friends") announced that she hoped they were rescued by the new year as she was recently proposed to and would be getting married on New Years Eve. Then the two girlfriends who had just made these announcements look at Hillary Swank (the main character who is dealing with the all-too-early loss of 35 year young husband) who responds by saying something like "I’m happy for you both, I really am, it's just a lot of information to take in all at once on such a small boat” (or something cute and funny like that) as she's kind of smiling and kind of crying at the same time.

I just about couldn't breathe when this scene unfolded. I felt so bad for Hillary Swank's character. I knew that exact pain of being reminded that you're not in the same boat (no pun intended) with people who are experiencing normal, happy progress in life, as you're just wanting something so basic, desperately wanting your normal life back ... while simultaneously being truly happy for those that have what is normal, and right, and good (something you don't have).

The movie continued on to have a scene where Hillary overheard her two friends conversing (when they didn't know she was eavesdropping) discussing the excitement of their respective news (with topics like ultrasounds, due dates, bridesmaids dresses, florists, and the like) ... and Hillary just thought (or perhaps they did a voice over) about how her life has stopped while everyone else’s was still moving forward. She had lost her husband and her life seemed to stop: went on hold. This is exactly what miscarriages feel like (for those who have [thankfully] never experienced it)

This whole bit was just crushing ... I was sobbing. I didn't sob with the funeral scene, not while she flashbacked to scenes reminiscing her husband's prancing around their NY pad, not while she read the cheesy, sweet letters sent in foresight seemingly arriving from the grave: from her dead husband (ok, yes I did release a FEW tears) ... but man, when she was expressing how she feels like life is passing her by - I lost it. It wasn't so much the news of the friend's pregnancy that got me ... the fact that another person was dealing with hearing that someone's friend is pregnant and they are not is not the pain I was experiencing - it had more to do with identifying with the pain of feeling left behind.

A lot of times I feel like people don't "get" me in this whole struggle. My fertile friends have never experienced loss, much less compounded loss without having any live children. My infertile friends seem just as “behind” as I feel, but they are (usually) hiding behind my computer screen – not women I talk to IRL. How much can someone know you whose learned about pieces of you from disjoint topics on various threads on fertility message boards? (I’m not knocking it; I’m merely pointing out a fact) Even still I can’t completely relate to the ladies on those boards. I've been told by my Dr, since July, that I have diminished ovarian reserve and that news is pretty far down on the list as far as infertility ailments you'd choose to have if you had to choose one - as the battle is with time itself ... and there's nothing you can do to literally stop time. A lot of women on the infertility/fertility boards can relate to running out of time. There are some women who can relate to me - the older ladies can, but they are less welcoming of me because regardless of my diagnosis I'm still "young". In our fertility situation, I’m scared that I’m not only going to be temporarily left behind, but permanently left behind. I would love to play the scene for everyone I know - in hopes that they can "get" me a little more. Why is it that we so just want to be known? (topic for another post, I guess?)

So anyhow, I just wanted to say I feel like my life has done a freeze frame. I want to be moving on with my life ... it's just so hard. Loss is what I'm facing. Loss, in this movie, is what the main character is processing – hers in the form of the loss of her husband and the loss of their future together, mine in the form of the loss of my babies and the hopes that I had for these children. (And really she was probably mourning the loss of children with him too, but that still falls into the category of loss, right?) ... Loss has a way of wiping us out. I feel like my life is on hold and although I know I'm not ... I feel abandoned and alone … like she does, but not by my husband (not by any means by my wonderful husband!!) just alone I guess, alone without my babies.

***
... sorry this post is such a downer. This is exactly how God is working on my heart. Without recognizing this pain, how could I be so open to His hope? character adjustments? learning perseverance? ... truth is, I couldn't. So bear with me, bear with me while I drudge through the muck and mire.

Family brings out the best in you

So in my almost two weeks with Berilac's family I have been reminded of what a nutcase I am. There is one thing about me - something I can easily forget (when I prep my own food) something I try to forget about when not reminded by too many meals and loads of extra time to do nothing but watch others cook in mass ... I am turning into a germ-a-phobe. (My SIL only adds to my neurosis)

My biggest freak-outs this vacation:

1. I learned that the dispenser used on the front of refrigerators (you know, that kind that delivers ice and filtered water) is a germ magnet ... unless you want to share whatever is on the lip of your drinking glass - don't press the glass up against the dispensing arm.

2. this reminded me of the story I heard on the news about how there are more germs from the ice machines dispensed at restaurants than those restaurants' toilet bowls - yikes.

3. All garbage cans should have a foot pedal to open them up ... people have to touch the cabinet door the garbage hides behind, you have to either lift a lid or pull the garbage bin forward (both of which require touching) in order to get rid of your disposable items. As well, if you watch closely ... many people shove garbage deeper into a garbage bag (in order to make more room in the can) ... they then continue on finishing the food prep for the upcoming meal.

4. People don't always wash their hands - yet they share bags of food with you. Chips are the biggest offender. How many of you pour your chips into a bowl and pull out a serving utensil to divy out the goods?

5. If you have a tupperware of cold food and you open it up for some eats ... you need to microwave it to the point of boiling/steaming (killing all the bacteria) you also cannot open the lid, flip it over (with cold bacteria ridden food particles all over) and place your cooking utensil ON THE LID where the bacteria is (yes, hopefully it will be ok if the preparer cooks the food to a very high heat ... but really, can my mind rest on this thought?)

6. cutting boards should have different uses (veggie board, fish board, beef board, chicken board) ... even better than this, I learned from my equally psycho SIL that you can cut meat on dinner plates and then put them through the dishwasher (in order to santize them).

7. ADULTS double dip!!! ... people please!

8. Let me tell you that the kitchen sink (specifically the drain rim and down into the drain) is the dirtiest place in your entire house - including the toilet bowl) ... so if you place something into the sink - it is OFF LIMITS for use until AFTER it's been properly washed and sanitized. If you're using a utensil for cooking, and you place it in the sink (or on the counter) it is no longer clean ... even if you rinse it off.

9. Toddlers have a tendency to touch shared foods - after they've played with the bottom of shoes and/or wiped their snotty noses. Not their faults, but really, the best way to share food between children and adults (or adults and adults!) is to request/require that people dish out food to their individual plates rather than sharing germs from child to adult (and from what I've learned it's most dangerous for adult germs to pass to toddlers - rather than my fear of being an adult getting the kid germs)

10. Food should not stay unrefrigerated for more than 2 hours. If you make dinner, eat dinner, get distracted by a movie or games ... and it's been longer than 2 hours - the food has gone bad. If you go to a restaurant and you take a doggy bag ... and then end up shopping or going out to a movie or dancing or whatever afterwards - throw the food away if it sits outside of a fridge for 2 hours ... remember that you chit chatted at the restaurant after not eating the entire meal so your two hours can't start when you leave the restaurant, better to start the timer when you enter the restaurant (and really that would require that you head right home to preserve the food ... an in diningroom meal can take 1.5 hrs)

Ok, ok ... I'm done venting ... I'm so glad to be going back to my house, preparing my own food ... controlling my own germ intake.

I think this all started in the Springtime when I was sick for 10 weeks ... and they suspected a really bad case of stomach flu. I missed almost a month of work and almost lost my job! I guess it's not surprising that my mind finds these types of fears. These days I drink Kefir each day to get good bacteria into my gut just so I can fight anything that finds its way into my tummy. I DO NOT want to go through another sickness like that again any time soon.

So if you actually read my long list of freaky things ... good luck getting them out of your head. If you haven't and you're just skipping ahead ... very wise of you. I'm not sure how much of this craziness can truly be good for me. Perhaps the stress associated with controlling this type of stuff is more damaging than chowing down on a little bacteria.

Off to the races ...

So we went to our ultrasound appointment yesterday and my 14mm follicle almost DOUBLED in size and I have one follicle that 23mm in size - yowza!

This is very good news. This is the exact response that my RE wanted to elicit. So we have an opportunity at pregnancy this month - oh how I pray that we get pregnant and it's a healthy baby that can be delivered into our arms in 9 months.

Because I triggered yesterday (with hcg) I have forced my body to ovulate sometime today or tomorrow (most likely today) ... so we'll know almost exactly when we conceive (if we conceive) ... isn't that weird?

So now we wait. We'll know in two weeks if sperm does in fact meet the egg.

This will be our first attempt at getting pregnant on medications. The doctors have told us that by taking these meds we will increase the egg quality and thus increase the chance of a healthy pregnancy.

Lord, please bless us with a baby. A healthy baby that we can raise up to know You.

What's the haps?

Sorry it's been awhile ... the holidays - they seem to take over. Which, in the middle of going through another fertility cycle, is just fine with me!

Berilac and I travelled to Arizona to visit Berilac's family this Christmas and it's been great (I'm writing this from my inlaws sofa!). We almost missed the opportunity to come here due to the scheduling of my fertility cycle but being the smart man that he is - Berilac suggested we do a little "remote" monitoring on this cycle. So I'm going to an Arizona clinic every other day for ultrasounds and I take a shot each night ... just waiting for this cycle to do it's thing. Get this - we're having to pay $290 per ultrasound appointment here! (I've had 3 and I'm scheduled for one more!) Nobody said this was going to be cheap.

A little summary on my cycle: It started out so well with four follies taking the lead - we were so excited that we were within our goal of less than 5! (remembering that last cycle we had to cancel b/c I produced too many!) so b/c of my great showing early on in the cycle my dr panicked a bit and dropped my dose to the lowest level possible ... that caused me to stall out a bit, so she upped it a tad ... then I produced a total of 9 small follies and we flashed back to last month (ahhh!) so she didn't want to up my dose so we encountered more stalling, days of stalling! Then I had one lead follice jump ahead but then it stalled too. Now I am on my last two days of stims (CD's 18&19 - if you can believe it!) and if my ultrasound tomorrow doesn't show a good leading follicle or few ... we're going to cancel the cycle.

I tell ya, I can't win for losing. (whatever that means exactly) ... Supposedly I sit here with the problem of early menopause and when the attempt to stimulate me with ovulation drugs they find that I overstimmulate rather than under stimulate (which understimming what you would think would happen to me!)

This is so frustrating.

We are on CD19, we take 75iu of Follistim this evening and we have an ultrasound appointment tomorrow morning to see how the little guy (the lone follie) has developed. If it doesn't make any progress then we cancel the cycle, but if it does then we're in the race this month and we'll see if we're pregnant ... in two weeks.

Berilac and I have decided that this whole plain injectible stimulation isn't working for us. It's very difficult to dial me in - we're either completely failing by stalling out or over stimmulating and risking tons of babies. So our next medicated cycle will be IVF. I can't even believe that this is where we're at. Typically, I'm a very healthy person, I never thought we'd be here.