Sunday, December 16, 2007

I feel sorry for my IRL friends

I have a hard time knowing how to feel and what to think about some of the circumstances we're facing ... with the holidays here, and us spending more time with our friends ... I have realized that I feel sorry for my friends who hang out with us.

It's hard to seem happy all the time; it's hard to have light conversations when our mood is so heavy.

For so many, infertility is a struggle that they are distant from. In this group of friends, I feel sorry for those who are:

single and have no children: they know that this is heavy but it's not where they are in life so it seems hard for them to relate to the difficulty.

married but not ready for children: they seem to be pretty focused on fun couple life - something we should too be involved with or celebrating - but don't feel like it.

married and who have children, but are done trying for other children: they have really moved into a phase of their life where they excited about all the new stages of their children's development (which is very exciting and interesting) but it feels like we are SO FAR behind these friends - and it feels like they have other friends who fit their circumstances better.

married and are trying for a child or a sibling: this group of friends have a hard line to walk. Trying for children, for most couples, is an exciting time. These friends know that it's a sensitive subject for us, so they are very delicate in their communications with us. We are appreciative of that, but wish it didn't have to be this way.

those who are pregnant: these are the ladies I feel the worst for. I've had a couple of friends fall into this category in our 16 months of this struggle .... and they were very thoughtful about how they handled telling us the news, they also have done wonders at being pregnant around us. I wish I could say "this is no big deal" ... but it is a big deal. I had a very open conversation with a friend about how she said she'd be scared to tell me if/when she got pregnant. We discussed that at the time when she tells me she's pregnant it will be "bittersweet" news ... bitter b/c of our circumstances but also very sweet - as children and pregnancies are a precious gift from God.

A sweeping apology to my friends: I wish it weren't awkward when a group of women are together and it's clear that I don't fit into the "recent baby happenings" stories or when you have wonderful pregnancy news to share with your friends and I happen to be one of the recipients - I'm sorry that it's hard to share this news w/us. It should be just as wonderful and celebratory a time as it feels to you.

I'm really hopeful that some day soon, this won't be as much of an issue for us. I'm hoping that baby making can be a happy, exciting topic for us and that the awkwardness that people feel about having these types of discussions with us will be lifted.


  1. We love you very much and wish we lived closer to you so that we could provide some support for you somehow. But we still pray for you every day.

  2. I can see why you'd think these things because you support your statements quite eloquently, but please know that as a friend with children, we absolutely DO NOT feel as if "[we] have other friends who fit [our] circumstances better." We absolutely do not believe that and I hope I can change your mind on this.

    You and Berilac are precious friends to us -- family really -- and I am assuming you will be in our lives forever. Don't feel sorry for your IRL friends who care for you and are trying to be sensitive -- those pregnant friends and those who recently had children and are yacking about this milestone and that milestone, are just sharing their lives with you (they're not trying to be malicious and hurtful). If they don't share much, it's because they're trying to be sensitive. I know your pain, because for 10 months, we tried and tried and tried to conceive with Ruby. I, too, have miscarried and I understand loss (on many levels), so I can empathize.

    It's my prayer and hope that you don't give up hope and that you don't withdraw from your friends during this tremendously difficult season in your lives. Children or no children, you are both precious to us and we couldn't imagine our lives without you guys.

  3. Daisy, you're so sweet - you are the rare exception to the rule.

    And perhaps it's b/c of your struggles and own difficulties that you understand so well.

    Please understand that I'm not upset w/how people are treating us - I actually think people do a wonderful job ... really what I wanted to communicate was how sorry I am that it has to be this way ... that our infertility doesn't just stop at our own pain, but it intrudes into other areas we wish it didn't.

    Thank you for your never ending love.

  4. Thank you bigkat - we miss you and your family.

  5. Ah, I can completely relate to both sides. While trying for 27 exhausting cycles, I was always the odd ball in the crowd of my mother friends. I never felt like I fit in. And it was so painful.

    Now that I'm pregnant, I am so delicate and careful with my friends who are still struggling. And to be honest, infertility is something that isn't cured upon getting pregnant. It stays deep within and affects one much longer than expected.

    Huge (((hugs))) to you for your strength. I know this is such a difficult time, especially during the holidays. Hang in there, sweetie!

  6. I can relate to the awkwardness. I want to be an open book about my struggles, but most of the time my friends don't know what to do with me.

    I just found out my friend from high school is pregnant with her 3rd and due in February. We had lunch in May and were excited about getting together, again, but she didn't cal me 'cause she got pregnant the next month. I thought, "Surely I could be happy for her and we could have had lunch again.!!." But, I guess she was just trying to be thoughtful.

    Hope it gets easier for us both, soon.
    Luv ya.