I have a hard time knowing how to feel and what to think about some of the circumstances we're facing ... with the holidays here, and us spending more time with our friends ... I have realized that I feel sorry for my friends who hang out with us.
It's hard to seem happy all the time; it's hard to have light conversations when our mood is so heavy.
For so many, infertility is a struggle that they are distant from. In this group of friends, I feel sorry for those who are:
single and have no children: they know that this is heavy but it's not where they are in life so it seems hard for them to relate to the difficulty.
married but not ready for children: they seem to be pretty focused on fun couple life - something we should too be involved with or celebrating - but don't feel like it.
married and who have children, but are done trying for other children: they have really moved into a phase of their life where they excited about all the new stages of their children's development (which is very exciting and interesting) but it feels like we are SO FAR behind these friends - and it feels like they have other friends who fit their circumstances better.
married and are trying for a child or a sibling: this group of friends have a hard line to walk. Trying for children, for most couples, is an exciting time. These friends know that it's a sensitive subject for us, so they are very delicate in their communications with us. We are appreciative of that, but wish it didn't have to be this way.
those who are pregnant: these are the ladies I feel the worst for. I've had a couple of friends fall into this category in our 16 months of this struggle .... and they were very thoughtful about how they handled telling us the news, they also have done wonders at being pregnant around us. I wish I could say "this is no big deal" ... but it is a big deal. I had a very open conversation with a friend about how she said she'd be scared to tell me if/when she got pregnant. We discussed that at the time when she tells me she's pregnant it will be "bittersweet" news ... bitter b/c of our circumstances but also very sweet - as children and pregnancies are a precious gift from God.
A sweeping apology to my friends: I wish it weren't awkward when a group of women are together and it's clear that I don't fit into the "recent baby happenings" stories or when you have wonderful pregnancy news to share with your friends and I happen to be one of the recipients - I'm sorry that it's hard to share this news w/us. It should be just as wonderful and celebratory a time as it feels to you.
I'm really hopeful that some day soon, this won't be as much of an issue for us. I'm hoping that baby making can be a happy, exciting topic for us and that the awkwardness that people feel about having these types of discussions with us will be lifted.
Done, and Yet, Not Done
6 months ago