Friday, January 25, 2008

Pregnancy 4 = Miscarriage 4

It's official.

Today I need to go to the doctor to get a shot b/c I have a negative blood type and Berilac has a positive blood type so there's a 50/50 chance that the babies blood type will be positive. If the babies blood type was positive and if/when the babies blood mixes with my blood ... my body will grow antibodies to fight off the baby. These antibodies will stay in my body and fight off future positive blood type babies. Some might think ... "well maybe this is why you keep having miscarriages, b/c you're fighting the babies off?!" but no. I've been tested for antibodies outside of being pregnant and I don't have them ... so thankfully my body is not trying to rid itself of baby in this way - yet.

It's emotionally painful to go through a miscarriage (or your fourth) while trying to do the normal things in life ... taking the train to work, sitting in your bosses office, rushing to and from meetings, making dinner, etc. With each indication that it's happening I just say good-bye again to my baby ... it makes me very sad.

My heart is broken - again.

I wasn't excited/optimistic about this pregnancy about 1.5 weeks before we actually conceived. Given the fact that we watched how the follicle developed - I had my doubts as we witnessed the "strange" growth pattern. There was a part of me that didn't want to proceed with trying this past cycle, but when the doctors were confident enough to continue I just trusted them - I wanted so badly for this to work, I didn't want to have to cancel again. When I asked my doctor about the length of time the follicle took to develop and when I shared concern about the pattern of growth (stalling mid cycle, spurt near the end) and when I was questioning the size of the follicle ... I asked, won't this result in a 'bad quality' egg? Their comforting response ... "it could"

So now we mourn the loss of another baby born to heaven. Good for baby, sad for us.

I'm having quite the emotional ordeal with this miscarriage. One miscarriage and that seems normal, two is bad luck, three is ridiculous, and four is concerning. I've decided this is all getting too much for me. Emotionally I can't handle the anxiety that miscarriage brings. One would think it causes depression (and it does) but moreso the emotional effect miscarriages cause is anxiety (at least that's what my good friend Dr. Internet confirmed for me).

So I'm going to take a break for awhile and regroup - emotionally.

I ordered 'Our Daily Bread' ... my quiet times with the Lord have been ... non-existant. I can't connect with my own emotions nor am I letting my husband or my friends in ... you can only guess how well my relationship with the Lord is going. *Splat.* This past week I attended my first class in a 10w course at a top fertility clinic called 'mind/body overcoming the stress of infertility' ... or something like that. I ordered some fertility meditation CD's ... I'm hoping they will help me in my prayer life; (thank you fortune cookie - I'm finally taking your advice.) I am going to get back into my breathing exercises; (I was part of a study regarding panic attacks and in the study they provided a breathing technique to help your body's physioligical response to anxiety ... my body really doesn't handle stress well ... I need to re-learn [and continue to practice] how to breathe 'correctly'- pathetic, but fine with me). I ordered a fertility yoga DVD. I'm going to plan some serious spa outtings. I'm going to enjoy baths, hottubs, and a drink once in awhile again. I'm going to "be present" when spending time with hubby and friends. I'm going to take a step back and just notice life again. I start counseling next week.

I need to reprioritize. My quality of life has been rotten. I'm going to spend some time on my emotional health and my marriage. I'm going to spend some time working on me, and us, praying and just continuing to wait for the family that we so desire.


  1. It sounds like you are making some very positive and forward-moving changes in your life. I didn't even know there were such things as classes on how to reduce stress in fertility (I need to go!) or fertility yoga DVDs, but they sound fantastic. I think the breathing techniques, re-starting counseling, and most importantly taking time for prayer and time for your husband and are all steps in the right direction. When we were in the thick of TTC I gave up caffeine, alcohol, baths, etc and I felt like I was giving up a part of myself because I was limiting my social encounters and things that made me happy (diet coke, relaxing baths). When I realized that giving up those things wasn't working, I said screw it, and brought them all back in moderation. I think it helps to keep my sanity.

  2. It's so true ... how great can it be to remove all the stuff that gives you comfort ... in a time when you are most stressed ... it doesn't make any sense!

  3. Oh, Polly, I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time, but you sound like you're in a good frame of mind to take care of yourself and heal. Good for you for seeking out some potential solutions. I think you'll like the meditation CDs, as well as the counseling. Just working through the emotions with someone who is unbiased can be so incredibly healing and helpful.

    I finally got to the point in my journey, where it sounds like you're at now, with drinking again, taking baths, reconnecting with hubby, etc., and it made me feel so much more alive and vibrant. I'm happy to hear you're going to to do the same. It doesn't make the IF stuff go away, but it helps you cope with it better. Please know that you have a ton of support. Take the break you need. I'll be sending you lots of healing vibes and hugs.

  4. I'm so proud of you; not just for the pro-active changes you are making to enjoy the present life and live it to the fullest, but even more proud that you shared a private part of your heart on here. You are inspiring. Love you sister...Angie

  5. Good for you for taking these steps forward! I'm right there with you! It's a journey of getting back to "ME", going back to who we are before this journey got too long, and too painful with such frustrating results.

    Keep taking steps forward, don't look back, and enjoy reconnecting with the person you were and want to be...I'm trying to do that myself!


  6. When I saw the heading for this entry, I teared immediately but as I continued reading, I was really proud of you..Proud that you're dealing with the entire situation with such positive energy...It's never easy to understand the pain that we go through...and after reading it, I felt something..Hope..for me and perhaps for all of us who are going through the same fate.

    Thanks for writing this entry. It meant a lot to me... You give new meaning to H.O.P.E.

    P.S.'I am listening to this song by Matt Kearny now and it goes something like this:
    We push and pull
    And I fall down sometimes
    And I’m not letting go
    You hold the other line
    Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.

    Big Hugs!'

  7. A slippery slope indeed! You did a great job compiling this list, my friend. We are smack dab, $4K already invested, in the middle of #15. Being the worrier that I am and no stranger to failure and loss, I've already explored steps 16-20 and even had the RE mention surrogacy. *sigh* I'm so glad we all have each other to help us make it through. ((hugs))

  8. Polly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You sound very strong to be pushing through the way you are. I hope you are able to find out why this is happening and get your sticky little bean soon. Keeping you in my thoughts. (((Hugs)))

  9. I found your blog while looking for information on miscarriage. I am currently miscarrying my second child, and can only imagine the heartache you are experiencing with your fourth - huge hugs to you, I hope you are healing well. And can give yourself the time, and space and permission to grieve.

    I believe that everything happens for a reason - that is what is getting me through.

  10. Hello, I am a 42 years old woman who is going to be 43 in September. We are planning to have a baby, I had my fourht miscarriage last november but still trying. I have been to St Mary's Hospital to the RMC but they couldnt find anything wrong with me, just age and bad luck. I started having miscarriage when I was 33, 35, 36 and the last one 42 years old(last November). I would like to have a second opinion from a private clinic where maybe further investigation would be made. Does anyone know the best private (non NHS) recurrrent miscarriage clinic in London? thank you very much.

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