Today I need to go to the doctor to get a shot b/c I have a negative blood type and Berilac has a positive blood type so there's a 50/50 chance that the babies blood type will be positive. If the babies blood type was positive and if/when the babies blood mixes with my blood ... my body will grow antibodies to fight off the baby. These antibodies will stay in my body and fight off future positive blood type babies. Some might think ... "well maybe this is why you keep having miscarriages, b/c you're fighting the babies off?!" but no. I've been tested for antibodies outside of being pregnant and I don't have them ... so thankfully my body is not trying to rid itself of baby in this way - yet.
It's emotionally painful to go through a miscarriage (or your fourth) while trying to do the normal things in life ... taking the train to work, sitting in your bosses office, rushing to and from meetings, making dinner, etc. With each indication that it's happening I just say good-bye again to my baby ... it makes me very sad.
My heart is broken - again.
I wasn't excited/optimistic about this pregnancy about 1.5 weeks before we actually conceived. Given the fact that we watched how the follicle developed - I had my doubts as we witnessed the "strange" growth pattern. There was a part of me that didn't want to proceed with trying this past cycle, but when the doctors were confident enough to continue I just trusted them - I wanted so badly for this to work, I didn't want to have to cancel again. When I asked my doctor about the length of time the follicle took to develop and when I shared concern about the pattern of growth (stalling mid cycle, spurt near the end) and when I was questioning the size of the follicle ... I asked, won't this result in a 'bad quality' egg? Their comforting response ... "it could"
So now we mourn the loss of another baby born to heaven. Good for baby, sad for us.
I'm having quite the emotional ordeal with this miscarriage. One miscarriage and that seems normal, two is bad luck, three is ridiculous, and four is concerning. I've decided this is all getting too much for me. Emotionally I can't handle the anxiety that miscarriage brings. One would think it causes depression (and it does) but moreso the emotional effect miscarriages cause is anxiety (at least that's what my good friend Dr. Internet confirmed for me).
So I'm going to take a break for awhile and regroup - emotionally.
I ordered 'Our Daily Bread' ... my quiet times with the Lord have been ... non-existant. I can't connect with my own emotions nor am I letting my husband or my friends in ... you can only guess how well my relationship with the Lord is going. *Splat.* This past week I attended my first class in a 10w course at a top fertility clinic called 'mind/body overcoming the stress of infertility' ... or something like that. I ordered some fertility meditation CD's ... I'm hoping they will help me in my prayer life; (thank you fortune cookie - I'm finally taking your advice.) I am going to get back into my breathing exercises; (I was part of a study regarding panic attacks and in the study they provided a breathing technique to help your body's physioligical response to anxiety ... my body really doesn't handle stress well ... I need to re-learn [and continue to practice] how to breathe 'correctly'- pathetic, but fine with me). I ordered a fertility yoga DVD. I'm going to plan some serious spa outtings. I'm going to enjoy baths, hottubs, and a drink once in awhile again. I'm going to "be present" when spending time with hubby and friends. I'm going to take a step back and just notice life again. I start counseling next week.
I need to reprioritize. My quality of life has been rotten. I'm going to spend some time on my emotional health and my marriage. I'm going to spend some time working on me, and us, praying and just continuing to wait for the family that we so desire.
Done, and Yet, Not Done
5 months ago