Saturday, January 19, 2008

quickly approaching 4

Sorry it's so blurry, my camera is old and it's lousy.

I've been hiding the results from all of you, just b/c I feel like I'm the girl who cried wolf and I hate being her.

I wanted to wait until after I had blood levels done to provide us some more insight on whether or not this one was going to make it. So that I could announce "we have hope" or "there's little hope" ... unfortunately, there's little hope.

I waited until Wednesday morning to test for a pregnancy, I was 13dpo. (for the layman, I would have been expecting my period the next day) ... and as you can kind of see, the home pregnancy test came back positive.

On wednesday I went in for an hcg blood level (a measurement for how far along a baby is when it's too early to do an ultrasound) and the level came back at 63 ... a very median response - which was good, we were hopeful.

Yesterday, 48 hours after taking the first hcg, the doctors took a second hcg ... to show a viable (or more likely viable) pregnancy the value should have been >125 ... well, mine was 80.

My RE is going to have us retest on Monday (18dpo) in hopes that there's still a chance. But ladies and gentlemen, I'm no fool. I've been here before. Things are not looking good ... again.

And to pour salt on the wound ... this "slow rise" (that's what it's called) could be a symptom of an ectopic pregnancy. Great, just what I need. So we are watching out for any pain and/or fainting ... doesn't help that my main pregnancy symptom with this pregnancy is dizziness.

So, there's a 15% chance that this could be a healthy pregnancy, but given my track record - I'm not holding my breathe. If this were my first pregnancy - I might be more inclined to have hope. Now I'm just trying to get through the day.

If/when this miscarriage happens ... I'm not sure that I'll be able to blog or do my fertility message board stuff much ... I'm thinking I need a break from all of this. You can't even imagine the amount of anxiety that I got when I saw that second line, and in the days since it's only escalated ... I can hardly stand this amount of pain/loss/fear.

... this is one rough battle and it's becoming more than I can handle.


  1. Oh, no, Polly. I am stunned. My God, I pray that an ectopic or a non viable pregnancy is not the case. You've been through so much.

  2. Hold your breath and I'll hold your hand!!!!

  3. Oh Polly. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are truly in my thoughts and prayers.

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  5. You are in my thoughts and prayers as always. Sorry for the deleted post. I always forget how to sign in correctly

  6. Oh, no, sweetheart. There's still a 15% chance, but I understand your hesitancy to place hope in it. I hope it's not ectopic or a m/c waiting to happen, but if it's not viable, take time off to heal. Be good to yourself, my friend. Sending all the positive, healing thoughts I can muster. Big (((((hugs))))))!

  7. We are holding your arms up, P.

  8. Awww, hugs to you! I know its hard to maintain hope, so we will have more than enough for you! Keeping all crossed and praying for a miracle! It can happen and we are here for you! Many hugs and many many blessings!