Thursday, June 5, 2008

If we build it, they will come

Almost two years ago I remember staring at the positive pregnancy test as I sat in the bathroom stall at the Petco down the street - I was in utter disbelief.

When Berilac and I first got married we talked about waiting 3-5 years before starting a family. I was 24 when we got married; I thought having babies between the ages of 27-29 is perfect!

For our third wedding anniversary we drove to Mendocino and B&B'd there for a beautiful weekend. There's not much to do in Mendocino, so we spent hours brunching and meandering from quaint shop to boutique - it was a special time. One morning during our adventures we walked past a froo-froo baby shop and I gently nudged Berilac in. We ooh'ed and ahh'ed over the cute little onesies (ok, I was making most of the sounds) and we found an adorable lacey, French, overpriced onesie for our future baby girl. We spent some ridiculous amount of money on something similar in size to a pair of socks. I was so excited. I started to think about the cute little pictures of me from my toddler years, with my fine wispy blond hair rolled up tight into those old pink rag curlers (remember those?) as I stood by the Christmas tree smiling ... I could totally imagine what our daughter would look like, she'd be adorable.

It was around that time that I stopped taking birth control pills and starting charting to avoid. I wanted to make sure my cycles got back to normal before we started trying. For the next year Berilac and I discussed charting to achieve and kept deciding the timing was still not right. But ultimately it was up to me - as I was well aware of my cycles and I could have lied to him (telling him we could have unprotected sex because we were in a safe time of the month) but he was not completely comfortable with really trying and I didn't have the guts (or the deceit) to make myself open to conception.

At year four we decided to not, not try ... though let's be honest for any woman who has been charting for more than three months - you have an idea of how your body works. I would know if we were having sex in the fertile window ... and for a year, we never did. I made sure of this. Berilac and I were going through too much at the time. (We were living and working with 100 miles between the two and on the weekends we were doing a head-to-toe remodel of our home, DIY-style.)

Enter my experience at Petco two years ago.

A few weeks prior to this event Berilac and I had "risky" sex. I figured if some women can struggle for years to get pregnant then we can have one month of "risky" sex without getting pregnant. Our first month of sex within the fertile window and we got pregnant. If I hadn't been so mad for getting knocked up days before I started a new job, I might have appreciated this miracle that so many women would have longed for. But no, I cried.

After I wiped away a few tears, I headed back to the Walgreen’s to get a couple more pregnancy tests, the kind that read "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" ... I don't need to decipher these crazy lines in my potentially fragile state. And this time I'll get more than one, just to confirm and reconfirm ... again. This time though I decided not to pee on a stick back in the Petco or a random gas station (I was running errands at the time I learned that I was pregnant - heck one of my errands was to pick up a pregnancy test because my period hadn't come) so I decided to knock out two errands at one stop. I headed to Barnes and Nobles and made a bee line straight for the bathrooms. There in that stall it was confirmed - I could buy "What to expect when you're expecting" and a "Baby Names" book as a gift for Berilac. I found the appropriate books and raced home to wrap them up along with a cute card and that dainty little onesie we bought years prior up in Mendocino. The gift bag was perfect and the wording in the card so cute and clever, hinting to Berilac that he was going to be a daddy soon.

During the next three pregnancies there were some times when people loaned me a "Your baby week by week" picture book or in one case I got a gift of a pregnancy journal (that I actually used with the hopes that this time things will be different). I had so much faith before we had our first miscarriage. I was actually worried about not being ready for a baby. After my first miscarriage it was my goal to 'have faith' rather than lose hope and think the worst. But it was with these few items that my future planning stopped. Since buying these few items: the onesie, the books ... I haven't purchased anything else for our future child(ren). In fact, I have made a point not to.

It's not that I don't have hope that it'll happen one day, it's more about not torturing myself with all of the paraphernalia lying around. Sometimes it can be overwhelming just to see car seats, baby strollers, and pregnant bellies - now imagine if I had those types of reminders falling out of my storage closets ... no thank you!

So I've been avoiding the baby stuff. And you can probably extend that to include I avoid not only having that stuff in my house, I avoid that stuff at other people's houses, and definitely at department stores!

Then, guess what I noticed right down the street from the fateful Petco just a few days ago? There's a Babies 'R Us going in just minutes away from our house. They are in the middle of constructing this monstrosity. In the last place we lived Babies 'R Us was 2 hours away. At first, I considered this just another slap in the face (another place that easily makes me feel uncomfortable) ... but then I started realizing how convenient it will be to register for my baby registry in a few short months with a store so close by.

I'm starting to think "if they build it, we will come" ... now I'm not saying I can go out and buy a boppy or a baby jumper - one mental step at a time, ok?

21 comments:

  1. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of our positive pee stick. Even thought it took us a year to get to that point, after I saw that positive, I thought, "Well, that wasn't so hard after all."

    Now that I have miscarried and another year has passed it almost seems like a dream. I still have my baby books, but am too superstitious to dig them out. I do have one onesie, though . . . Hope, I guess?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I bought a very cool stripe outfit for my IF baby before I found out that I was infertile.

    Today, it's packed in the box.

    Everyday, I pray for you, Polly and I'm here, whenever.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My baby books were banished away with the recovery after miscarriage books when both became too much to handle.

    I expected that having a baby would be easy, and when we got that positive last summer, I thought 'That wasn't so hard.' Maybe not, but the miscarriage was.

    You are in my thoughts and I wish you the best. I hope you have a reason to spend all your spare cash at the grand opening.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've only purchased one baby item. a cd of lullabys done to The Cure hits. It is locked away in a box at the top of my closet. I'm too scared to ever look at it for fear of jinxing myself.

    Good luck on your journey. I hope that that new babies r us will have a good influence on your eggs.

    **NaComLeavMo**

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Amen!" to the "if we build it, they will come."

    ReplyDelete
  6. here from NCLM...thank you for sharing your story. When we were matched with our daughter (adoption), we didn't bring a THING into the house baby related until everything was signed and she was home with us.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for sharing your story, Polly. ((Hugs))

    In the almost 3 years we have been trying, I have never bought anything baby related and imagine I will be 100% clueless with how to be pregnant because I spend all my time trying to figure out how to get pregnant. (:

    I just know you will be registering there soon and unpacking your books and onesie. Huge ((hugs)).

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hope that you soon have two fabulous little embies that grow into two gorgeous little babies for you to shop with at BRU. :) Praying for you!

    From NaComLeavMo

    ReplyDelete
  9. So sorry for your losses. Hope you need to run to that BRU on a daily basis really soon! NCLM

    ReplyDelete
  10. A friend of mine recently encouraged me to "step out in faith" and decorate the nursery, buy stuff for a little one, etc. She is not on the journey, and perhaps should keep her advice to herself. It's hard to build it and hope they will come...I hope you get to bring out that onesie soon!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm starting to think "if they build it, we will come."

    I'm hoping that your little one comes to you very soon.

    It's very hard to see baby stuff. I do have some things, but it's tucked away for now. I know my cousins and sisters have things for us that they have packed away, too. After trying for so long, it makes me wonder when we'll really get to use any of it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I learned I was preggers right before christmas and so my family decided to purchase baby items and give them to me ( I would never have bought anything so soon). After HCG was not rising, we discovered there was a gestational sac but no baby. Those items are in a closet and every time I open it, I am reminded of it.

    I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh wow what a place to find out your pregnant. I am sorry for you loses, I stumbled upon your story through nacomleavmo, so I thank you for sharing it with me!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi there, Hope you're doing ok today! I've tagged you.. Please visit my blog to find out more! :)

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  15. I can't bring myself to buy any baby stuff. Call me superstitious.

    I will be keeping everything crossed that you and your hubby have a baby very soon!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I didn't buy a single thing from the date we got that positive stick, to the day I had a D&C for my missed miscarriage.

    Hope is a good thing to hang onto. I HOPE that this B R' Us that's being built, brings you lots of good luck and your sticky BFP.

    Here from NCLM

    ReplyDelete
  17. Via NaComLeavMo...
    Thank you for sharing. I hope you get what you so desperately want.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi from NCLM :)

    Sorry for your losses...

    I also have a onesie that I bought for when (if) that day comes. There are times when I am so upset about the whole IF thing that I can't stand to see anything "baby"..but like you, I usually get sucked back in.

    Take care & good luck! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think it's totally understandable that you would want to avoid the baby stuff in the time being. Cautious optimism is usually the route I choose, too. I hope you'll be able to use the Babies R Us store soon. Cheers from NCLM.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks for the informative information - I enjoyed reading it! I always enjoy this blog. :) Cheers, [url=http://childbirth-videos-to-watch-online.com/]childbirth videos to watch online[/url]

    ReplyDelete
  21. Howdy, I come across this website by on a fluke when I was going through Google then I came upon your web site. I must say your site is very interesting I love your theme! I don’t possess much free time at the current moment to read through your website web sitebut I bookmarked it. I will be back in a day or two. Thanks for a great site. Cheers, www.4adult.com

    ReplyDelete