I did however want to let everyone know that I miss them. I want the best for Brenda and the decisions she's been making recently - I'm hoping she'll still visit me in a few weeks; I'm hopeful that Wendy's cycle will be successful; I'm excited that Joy has taken the next steps towards adoption, that Mandy is enjoying newborn Zeke, that MM is 14+ weeks along while Amy is 24+ weeks, and of course I'm freakin' thrilled for Pam! Thank you to everyone else who has commented, checking in on me. And thank you to all of my IRL friends who have gently asked me when I will update my blog ... a long time in the making, huh?
I've been thinking about why I abandoned my post. I think it was because I spoke with my RE after getting the diagnosis of the +AOA's and he concurred with everything the Endo told me. He also told me that I'm a "Category D" patient. What is a Category D patient? Fertility clinics categorize their patients usually by age, but if a young patient has bad problems ... she gets grouped with the 'seasoned clientele' ... basically I'm over 40, at age 31 and the stats are much lower for Category D. On the drive home from that appointment I told Berilac that I've been in denial all this time - really hoping that family building difficulties happen to "other people" and I was so hopeful that I would be the exception ... I think I had a hard smack in the face ("Category D") by reality. Among other things I've been trying to accept our situation - though, quite honestly, I think this is just another stage of this experience ... I don't really think I've accepted that we might or might not be able to have a child, that we might or might not be able to adopt, that we might or might not end up childless. I guess you could say this whole thing is a process. The one thing that is SO obvious to me now is that if this does happen for us ... there is NO DOUBT that God brought it about. We are an RE's nightmare, but God, He can do anything.
I would say that during this blogging break, I've experienced the lowest of lows in my walk with the Lord. I am really battling thoughts that God is punishing me and/or God does not love me. Berliac and I are putting together a "hope list" for me to look to when things get dark. At this point I'm clinging to the fact that God has put this desire on my heart to have children and if He is not going to bless that in some way - He will remove it. And so I'm looking to hope. I keep repeating to myself ... My God, He has not changed - He is the same Lord, Creator, Savior, Friend, keep em coming, that I knew when things in my life were going well. He has not changed, my circumstances have and in this time, I'm called to cling to Him - however weak and feeble that may be. So I'm doing the best I can.
I've been praying for perseverance and soft-heartedness. I know that we are nowhere near baby and negative thoughts try to get in and break me down - I need endurance for who knows how many more months or years. And, I have a tendency to get negative, cynical, jaded, bitter ... any other synonyms I've missed? I don't want to have these thoughts, I just do - so I have to fight that. I want God to be honored in my struggles and I want to stay just as close to Him as I have been in the past ... really, I want to be closer to Him through all this.
Miraculously, I've been able to see the many blessings that this experience has brought - when my friends recently asked me how I was doing, of course I broke down and cried. And I couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth ... this struggle has been the worst thing and the best thing that has ever happened to me. The worst for obvious reasons, the best ... because God is so obviously working in my life. He is holding me close, He is sparing me from painful situations, He has put in on Berliac's heart to just cover me in compassion, He is using my openness to touch people's lives I never thought I'd impact, He is pulling on my heart strings to pray for babies in the arms of crack addicts (or the like), He has introduced me to some of the most amazing women who are also struggling and He has allowed me to love on them, He has allowed Berilac and I to laugh about our situation (Ever see Debbie Downer from SNL? We just saw a skit where she says ... "it's official, we can't have children" ... and instead of flying off the handle with offense, Berliac and I busted up laughing!!) ... God is using this situation and He is using me and I haven't even asked for that honor ... I'm going to start asking for that - and we'll see what kind of awesome stuff He starts throwing around!
I think the root of my recent low of lows ... is that during all of these struggles what surfaces is the painful dysfunction that I have dealt with all my life: I am a self punishing perfectionist. Deep down, I struggle with feelings of worthlessness (though you'd never know it if you were just my acquaintance.) I don't trust people. I think everyone is out to get me and/or is ganging up on me. I withdraw and isolate when I need people the most (ah, so that's why I've taken a break from blogging!) and what really hurts my feelings is that not only am I dealing with the pain that comes from struggling with infertility and loss (being reminded about it at every turn) but in the bottom of that pain - that oh so familiar set of issues surfaces ... the dysfunction that I have worked so hard on for so many years. That's when I wonder if God is punishing me or if He still loves me. It just seems cruel to allow me to endure the deep pain of the past while just trying to tread water in dealing with the fresh wounds of the present, you know?
Before I go ... a couple of other items:
- I got a new job, a promotion. I'm thrilled. Maybe I'll talk more about that later.
- Cycle update: My cycle started a few weeks ago. I finished my week of Lupron and I'm in the middle of taking my morning Ganirelix shots. We've done two IM estrogen shots. I start stims on 8/15. My CD9 appt is on 8/22.
As for future plans - and thinking about getting pregnant and transferring embryos ... I give. I'm just praying and waiting to see what God has for us in the months to come. (Yes, the other thing God has blessed us with in this process is my obvious obsession with planning/controlling, etc and my need to let go. I guess I also struggle with thinking that God can't do a good enough job ... not if I'm around to do the job for Him ;-)
I just can't believe the level of emotion this struggle brings - quite honestly I never knew it existed ... I think my absence here can be attributed to my adjustment to the twists and turns in this process.
I know I speak for everyone else when I say thank you for posting. You are thoughtful, insightful, and a valued member of our little community. We are all rooting for you, whatever comes next. I for one really appreciate all you've said about thinking God is punishing you or something like that. I have SO been there, and struggle with it still today. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteOh, Polly, it is SUCH a struggle. I wish I knew how to help. Sending you extra perseverance prayers. You can keep going!
ReplyDeletePolly,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are back. And I am seate right beside you in category D. I felt like I could have written this post! I've got a few other thoughts to share, but too many to share here, so I'll be e-mailing you.
And yes: your openness has helped me in so many ways.
Congrats on the new job, friend!
E
I am so glad to see you back!! You have been (and will continue to be) in my daily thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI wish this journey were easier and we knew that it would all turn out in the end the way we have dreamed. I could have written so much of your post - from the category D to the non-trusting punishing perfectionist to the isolation when things are bad. I completely understand!!! I promise that coming here and continuing to get it all out will help. (It has helped me ward off ED which was my old way of dealing with the dark feelings.)
You are a strong and inspirational woman, Polly. I appreciate your honesty and as much as I hate that we are all going through this, I am glad we are a part of each other's journeys.
Congrats on your job and good luck with your cycle. I hope to see you back soon.
Much love and hugs.
Hey there, I have missed you so!!! I am so so glad you are back and like I've said before, I understand you do need some of that ME-TIME.
ReplyDeleteI read every word and felt every emotion. I am so sorry that your doc said that you're a Category D patient. It's just so hard and I can't imagine what you're going through. However, you still sound so strong, resilient and like what Brenda said, so inspirational!! Like I said before, I always come to your blog, just to feel inspired, just to get me through the day.
I have been coming to your blog everyday. I hope you'll be updating us soon but again, I understand the need to get away from things.
Anyway, congrats on the job and I'll be checking on you again.
(((((hugs))))
Oh Polly,
ReplyDeleteI keep checking on your blog, because you are such a powerful writer and I know from FF that you have seen Dr. G at SIRM too. I don't have quite the powerful connection to God as you, but having gone to Catholic grade school, high school, college, and law school, I definitely get the Catholic guilt and definitely feel punished for my infertility and feelings that I have done something very wrong for God to do this to me.
I have also taken a break, from it all. I always hope for the golden pot at the end of the rainbow, but I am getting closer to finding some acceptance of my fate. But it was two years of hell and almost a broken marriage that somehow I just lost energy to keep going.
You have more than your share of hills to climb. I am thinking of you.
Shelley (momtoaminihawk)
Hey! I'm so glad to see you back. I'm sorry to hear that you were at your lowest. Thank God for God! I often ask where's God in all these. But realised that he's here, listening to us. When the tough get tougher, we can pray for a miracle. God will intervene and perform a miracle!
ReplyDeleteblowing baby dust your way!!!
Hey, Polly. Thinking of you as you are stimming. I hope all is going well and that your ER is here soon.
ReplyDeleteMuch love and many hugs.