Waiting and hoping

When I was a little girl, I wanted to marry at age 18 and have 7 years with my husband before we had kids, when I would be 25. I wanted to make sure I was young when I had children, and that we had a stable relationship before we brought children into the mix. (Notice how I assumed we "could" bring children into the mix - oh, so naive!) I think I wanted to wait because it's the opposite of how my parents did it ... they weren't in love and we didn't have a "family" in the traditional sense. But I wanted that and I knew the place to start a strong family was a firm foundation in the marriage relationship ... and I knew that at a young age too ... where did I get that?

Anyhoo, moving on ...

When I was 18 I was in love with my high school sweetheart. I thought we were going to get married. And we might actually have gotten married had I not started using serious street drugs and sabotaged the relationship. He was a sweet boy and I loved him dearly (or I thought I did). He dumped me and I spent a week on the couch grieving and getting sober. I started my wait for my husband ...

When I was 20 I was in a relationship that I didn't think was going places. I was trying to get out of the relationship for awhile, but I was young and impressionable and he was 7 years my senior and a tad manipulative. I must have also been insecure for when I was ruffling through his bag (yeah, you think I'm insecure!!) I found an engagement ring ... and.I.freaked!! This guy is a super quality guy, he will definitely make an excellent catch for someone someday, but not for me and not on that day. I broke off that relationship and wondered if I had done the right thing, I hesitantly resumed my wait for Mr. Right ...

When I was 22 I was in love with the son of a preacher man. (Yes, he was literally a pastor's son). He seemed like a great man and a good catch and I thought God was blessing our union and that my waiting was coming to an end. Weeks before the wedding, my fiance and I broke it off and once again I was waiting for my husband ...

When I was 24 I stopped waiting. I married my husband, Berilac. He is drop dead gorgeous (and I'm not just saying that) and the best husband a woman could ask for. He was perfectly provisioned for me. He is accepting, caring, relationally engaged, brilliant, hilarious, handsome, and Godly. Every day I am grateful for the gift that God has given me in my husband. Sure, some days I want to kick him in the shins, but most of the time, I'm in serious awe of what a wonderful gift I got in having him as my husband.

So now I look in front of me, to my wait for a child ... for children. And I pray that after 4 miscarriages, a diagnosis of premature menopause, and a few other not so desirable determinations ... I pray that God will overwhelm me with the blessing of children, like he has with my husband.

***

I've been thinking about it and it looks like it'll be early next year before we get a chance to try for pregnancy again. It was January 2008 the last time we were pregnant, and we have been doing rounds of egg extractions since then, we will continue to do those until Feb or Mar of 2009. Then we take the eggs we have (and we know we'll at least have 1) and we start fertilizing and transferring those back. So given that I'm looking at another 6 months of waiting ... I've kind of been thinking about all the waiting that I get to do. And it makes it a bit more bearable knowing that the last time I waited for something so important ... I was very, very blessed.

Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.