Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Waiting and hoping

When I was a little girl, I wanted to marry at age 18 and have 7 years with my husband before we had kids, when I would be 25. I wanted to make sure I was young when I had children, and that we had a stable relationship before we brought children into the mix. (Notice how I assumed we "could" bring children into the mix - oh, so naive!) I think I wanted to wait because it's the opposite of how my parents did it ... they weren't in love and we didn't have a "family" in the traditional sense. But I wanted that and I knew the place to start a strong family was a firm foundation in the marriage relationship ... and I knew that at a young age too ... where did I get that?

Anyhoo, moving on ...

When I was 18 I was in love with my high school sweetheart. I thought we were going to get married. And we might actually have gotten married had I not started using serious street drugs and sabotaged the relationship. He was a sweet boy and I loved him dearly (or I thought I did). He dumped me and I spent a week on the couch grieving and getting sober. I started my wait for my husband ...

When I was 20 I was in a relationship that I didn't think was going places. I was trying to get out of the relationship for awhile, but I was young and impressionable and he was 7 years my senior and a tad manipulative. I must have also been insecure for when I was ruffling through his bag (yeah, you think I'm insecure!!) I found an engagement ring ... and.I.freaked!! This guy is a super quality guy, he will definitely make an excellent catch for someone someday, but not for me and not on that day. I broke off that relationship and wondered if I had done the right thing, I hesitantly resumed my wait for Mr. Right ...

When I was 22 I was in love with the son of a preacher man. (Yes, he was literally a pastor's son). He seemed like a great man and a good catch and I thought God was blessing our union and that my waiting was coming to an end. Weeks before the wedding, my fiance and I broke it off and once again I was waiting for my husband ...

When I was 24 I stopped waiting. I married my husband, Berilac. He is drop dead gorgeous (and I'm not just saying that) and the best husband a woman could ask for. He was perfectly provisioned for me. He is accepting, caring, relationally engaged, brilliant, hilarious, handsome, and Godly. Every day I am grateful for the gift that God has given me in my husband. Sure, some days I want to kick him in the shins, but most of the time, I'm in serious awe of what a wonderful gift I got in having him as my husband.

So now I look in front of me, to my wait for a child ... for children. And I pray that after 4 miscarriages, a diagnosis of premature menopause, and a few other not so desirable determinations ... I pray that God will overwhelm me with the blessing of children, like he has with my husband.


I've been thinking about it and it looks like it'll be early next year before we get a chance to try for pregnancy again. It was January 2008 the last time we were pregnant, and we have been doing rounds of egg extractions since then, we will continue to do those until Feb or Mar of 2009. Then we take the eggs we have (and we know we'll at least have 1) and we start fertilizing and transferring those back. So given that I'm looking at another 6 months of waiting ... I've kind of been thinking about all the waiting that I get to do. And it makes it a bit more bearable knowing that the last time I waited for something so important ... I was very, very blessed.

Isaiah 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


  1. Polly - You rock. You have a perfect attitude. Your wait will be worth it, I just know it!!!

  2. You have such a fantastic attitude, and you are right! We were blessed with fantastic DH's and soon we will be blessed with babies some how, some way.

  3. What an amazing post! And man, I never knew that side of you - street drugs and all! But we were young once. I used to get pissed drunk almost everyday! I don't know how I made it to work. I always say that it's cuz I was in the advertising industry back then and blamed it on my ex-colleagues. :)

    Berilac sounds like an awesome man! I love all those attributes you have written about him. Sense of humour is very important to me. I would just DIE if somebody has a sense of humour equivalent to the Queen of England.

    I pray that after all you've been through, you'll be blessed with a baby very soon. I'm gonna send a FEDEX to God to make sure he gets my prayer fast.

    Huge Hugs, Polly and you inspire me everyday to be better with your optimism.

  4. These are the words to a song I wrote about waiting..

    I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. All I know is your God and you said you'd never leave.
    I don't know where to go or what tomorrow holds. All I know is You're here, now. You are right beside me.

    So, I'll lean on You, my Beloved. So, I'll be with You in this time of waiting. I'll have peace as You lead me by still waters. So, I'll be with you until the waiting's over.

    I wrote this just before I got pregnant. It was an epiphany to me, too, that waiting has fulfilled a purpose in my life.

    I will be waiting right along with you, Polly, and I believe that you will see a time when the waiting is over and you are walking into the fruition of your hopes, plans, dreams and desires.

  5. Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog! I will be praying hard for you! I also have a lot of waiting before me, so I can empathize! We will find a way though it-keep the Faith!

  6. Hi Polly, Thanks for stopping by my blog. I wish you the best at CCRM. Maybe we'll cycle together there. :-)

  7. Polly, you have such an incredible attitude in life. When I look back, I generally feel grateful for all the things that didn't work out in my past even when I was so sure that it was what I wanted at the time. Your perspective in this post helps me to see that one day it will be all worth it again.

    You have been through so much in your life and always manage to put a positive spin on it. Thank you for being you.

    I would love it if we ended up at CCRM at the same time. (: I think we are looking at a January cycle if all goes well.

  8. Good Luck Polly!

    I was so impressed with my 1 day workup, and just know that CCRM is going to be the answer. At least I'm hoping and praying too.

    I hope this is the cycle for you too! I'll cross my fingers and toes that we both get our BFP really soon :)

  9. I saw your comment and am so excited that we are both looking at January cycles. Look out Colorado!! (:

  10. Hey just saw on Brenda's blog that Sunday was a special day for you. Just wanted to wish you a super special 'Congrats' on your special day.

  11. Hi Polly, thanks for your comment on my blog! It is nice to hear that people stop in to read now and then. Your name is familiar, so I must have read your comments on some of the other blogs we both frequent. I am glad to find your blog and have read some -- WOW, what a journey! I waited what felt like a very long time for my husband (married at 33) and then waited again to have a baby. But I think all the waiting and hoping helps us appreciate those things more, and I think God has wisdom about it all that I try to trust in when I get to thinking his timing really sucks. : ) You seem like an amazing person, and you will be an amazing mom when that time comes, which I pray is very soon!

  12. Just wanted to give you a wave and let you know I've been reading avidly - but because I haven't left any comments, how would you know??? So letting you know I'm still here and still thinking of you and wishing you all the best. I love your positive attitude, I feel so good and hopeful after reading your posts. :-)

  13. Polly - I hope CCRM do the trick for you - they are thorough as anything! If anyone can do it, they can.

    I love that passage from Isiah - it made me smile. Thanks.