I remember when Amy from Maybe Baby was gearing up for her fresh IVF in February 08. In late December or early January her site was filled with tickers and I LOVED it!! I’m a numbers person, I like the data.
Whenever I visit a blog (especially if I’m relatively new to the story) I like to know where we’re at so I’m not surprised with a “well, my surgery went well today” … you see, having a marker in the form of tickers, for where we are in the process, helps me help you support me. So really, it’s all about me.
My husband thought it was a little extreme and then he realized that this is what’s going on in my head, so better to have it out there for him to keep at the forefront of his mind. Helps him to stay in touch with what this must be like for me.
I think it would be “normal” for someone to have a countdown to the activities and even the pregnancy test … but the second trimester ticker? Well, that’s because if we are blessed with a positive pregnancy test – that does little to set the fear at ease. In the past, getting pregnant has been “easy” … so many times we’ve seen the positive pregnancy test and so many times our hearts have been broken just weeks later. If we are blessed with a positive test – there will be celebration, but hopefully we can give a sigh of relief when we’ve made it to the second trimester … and even then, I know I will be anxious about making it to the 50% shot at life mark – 24w and then viability at 28w and then I’ll be concerned that the baby will strangle themselves on the cord. (Delightful pick me up for your Tuesday morning, no?) Man, how I wish my heart wasn’t soured with multiple losses – I really do have a lot of hope for motherhood, it’s just that this whole successful pregnancy thing seems like an unattainable goal.
I wonder how many women who have had easy pregnancies can understand what I’m going through.
And lastly the tickers are there to generate excitement. Mostly, I feel hope and fear, the hope is a choice and the fear is overwhelming. So I’d like to look at these things as exciting upcoming events – as I anticipated Christmas when I was a girl, so I want to anticipate this with the same enthusiasm.
And I loved mapping out the events for you. I know how important it is when we pray specifically for things. I know that so many people can get lost in all the complex procedures and tests that we’ve gone through, so my list makes for a good reference for those who feel lacking in the right words and phrases.
I can’t believe it’s just over three weeks away … we’ve been waiting well, since our last cycle in August for this. Wait, or was it after our first cycle in April. No, I think it was in February of 2008 when we first signed up with this clinic to pursue this technology … nope, it was more like January after our fourth miscarriage. Ok, perhaps it was Sept 07 after our third miscarriage? Or maybe February 07 after our second miscarriage? Ok, it had to have been in Sept 06 after our first miscarriage.
Let’s be honest, ever since I saw that positive pregnancy test in July 06, although I was surprised, shocked, and a little upset about being pregnant, I wanted that baby. My heart has been longing and breaking for a very long time. That ticker countdown started over two and a half years ago and now we’re 3 weeks away - three weeks away from the beginning of a successful pregnancy or three weeks away from heartache and reevaluation – and to be honest, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take, I was ready to get off of this merry-go-round years ago. Lord, I am broken and exhausted - please bless us with a child.
When you see those tickers, don’t think of the few days left remaining on them. Think of the perseverance, faithfulness, fight-against-the-enemy’s-lies, and hope that they really represent.
Done, and Yet, Not Done
6 months ago