I thought for sure that going into a transfer after the retrievals we've been through, would be exciting. I am not excited.
I thought that I'd be glad that the time is over for super ovulating, getting eggs, waiting, getting test results, only to repeat. I'm not.
I thought I'd be hopeful that this time (this time!) it will work. I really could use your hope.
I know that God has a plan and a purpose for my life. Maybe I'm lucky that I know that, maybe I seem arrogant ... I don't mean to. My purpose is to bloom where I am planted and to love those around me with Christ's love ... that's it. I ain't no Billy Graham. I'm just me. When you think about it, it's kind of a nice purpose because it's easily transferrable. (E.g., If my purpose in life were being an amazing tennis star - that would near end when my knees gave out). I know that God has used this season in my life. I know that He is preparing me for things to come. I know that God has molded and changed me only because I have experienced the pain of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility. This, I know.
I know that in the end (however you define 'the end') God has my best in mind. I know that He is infinite and I am finite and I cannot know His ways. I know that He will turn all things to good for those who love Him. I know that our God is a redemptive God and that He will restore what the locusts have eaten.
However, I have to keep telling myself that He loves me and that He is not punishing me - the area of worth, that is where I struggle. I have to keep telling myself that I'm not a huge disappointment to Him thinking that that is why He's allowed us to lose 4 babies.
I think of this upcoming pregnancy opportunity and I try to make sense of all of these truths, thoughts, and feelings. I want to believe that this will be successful, but I wonder if it will. I've been here before, 4 times ... I know how my story has always ended in the past. I know that now we have the best of the best and that God is in control (and I'm not and the doctors aren't) and that if we don't get successfully pregnant that God still loves me ... but if it doesn't work, I'm not sure how I'll react - I simply cannot imagine it.
It's still just hard to be hopeful in light of repeated past experiences. I believe in God's goodness, but I've experienced a lot of disappointment in Him. That's hard to reconcile.
I think of how I'll be in X weeks - will I be elated and fearful or will I be depressed and hurting? It's like a speech or a really important test that you've anticipated in life ... I know that in X number of days it'll all be over and there's nothing I can do (besides prepare) to change the outcome. It will be over.
I can't imagine this cycle working and I can't imagine it not working. I still just pray that it will work, but am terrified that it won't.
I have no idea what's going on, I have no control over what's going on ... all I can do is surrender.
But that's easier said than done.
Anybody wanna take my place? Do this for me? I'm scared.
Edited to add: I have no idea how you ladies who have been through failed fresh or frozen cycles have gone through this. I admire you.