Thursday, December 18, 2008


I thought for sure that going into a transfer after the retrievals we've been through, would be exciting. I am not excited.

I thought that I'd be glad that the time is over for super ovulating, getting eggs, waiting, getting test results, only to repeat. I'm not.

I thought I'd be hopeful that this time (this time!) it will work. I really could use your hope.

I know that God has a plan and a purpose for my life. Maybe I'm lucky that I know that, maybe I seem arrogant ... I don't mean to. My purpose is to bloom where I am planted and to love those around me with Christ's love ... that's it. I ain't no Billy Graham. I'm just me. When you think about it, it's kind of a nice purpose because it's easily transferrable. (E.g., If my purpose in life were being an amazing tennis star - that would near end when my knees gave out). I know that God has used this season in my life. I know that He is preparing me for things to come. I know that God has molded and changed me only because I have experienced the pain of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility. This, I know.

I know that in the end (however you define 'the end') God has my best in mind. I know that He is infinite and I am finite and I cannot know His ways. I know that He will turn all things to good for those who love Him. I know that our God is a redemptive God and that He will restore what the locusts have eaten.

However, I have to keep telling myself that He loves me and that He is not punishing me - the area of worth, that is where I struggle. I have to keep telling myself that I'm not a huge disappointment to Him thinking that that is why He's allowed us to lose 4 babies.

I think of this upcoming pregnancy opportunity and I try to make sense of all of these truths, thoughts, and feelings. I want to believe that this will be successful, but I wonder if it will. I've been here before, 4 times ... I know how my story has always ended in the past. I know that now we have the best of the best and that God is in control (and I'm not and the doctors aren't) and that if we don't get successfully pregnant that God still loves me ... but if it doesn't work, I'm not sure how I'll react - I simply cannot imagine it.

It's still just hard to be hopeful in light of repeated past experiences. I believe in God's goodness, but I've experienced a lot of disappointment in Him. That's hard to reconcile.

I think of how I'll be in X weeks - will I be elated and fearful or will I be depressed and hurting? It's like a speech or a really important test that you've anticipated in life ... I know that in X number of days it'll all be over and there's nothing I can do (besides prepare) to change the outcome. It will be over.

I can't imagine this cycle working and I can't imagine it not working. I still just pray that it will work, but am terrified that it won't.

I have no idea what's going on, I have no control over what's going on ... all I can do is surrender.

But that's easier said than done.

Anybody wanna take my place? Do this for me? I'm scared.


Edited to add: I have no idea how you ladies who have been through failed fresh or frozen cycles have gone through this. I admire you.


  1. Oh Polly, I relate so much to what you shared. I wish I had the perfect words to encourage you and take away your fears...but I will pray!!

    What you wrote about knowing Gods plans, really encouraged me.

    I really loved this line:

    "My purpose is to bloom where I am planted and to love those around me with Christ's love"

    I pray that God pours out his hope,peace and strength upon you!


  2. 2 failed fresh cycles really beat me down. It took a good 6 months to 'get over' the devestation. Then I got mad and then I took action (and we wound up at CCRM). Because it's SUCH a rollercoaster ride, I really prepared myself for the FET to NOT work. I had the backup plan ready to go... had distracting activities scheduled, the whole 9 yards. And then it worked. WHAT? Wait a minute... that wasn't supposed to happen. Huh? Me? It *worked*? I am only now coming to terms with the 'it worked' thing...

    Tho if it hadn't worked, it would have been *awful*. That was the end of our road. Then it was Game Over.
    Regardless, it's a mind game, for sure... I think it's easier to prepare for it to NOT work than the *other* option...
    *hugs* to you.

  3. I wish I knew how to make those fears of yours go away. IVF cycles are full of fear, hope, amazement, and a whole rollercoaster ride like never before.

    Failed IVF cycles suck. No sugar coating. No other way to put it. It took me a few months after our first failure to try again. Our 2nd BFN came mid-July and we are just now gearing up for #3 in Jan/Feb. I am still glad that we did them though because each one gave us a little more information to get us where we are now.

    All we can do is have a little faith and keep moving forward. We deal with each step as it comes and I hope nothing but a beautiful positive for your cycle. Many hugs!!

  4. I do not know the extent of all the pain you have suffered, but I *hope* that this cycle brings nothing but joy and exitement. I *hope* that you find the strength to get through the next month or so with your sanity intact. I *hope* you quickly move on from the past and have only the future to look forward to, and I *hope* that future includes an adorable baby Polly or Berilac. I have tons of hope for you. {{hugs}}

  5. I have nothing but words to give to you at this point of time. And I believe that at best, the words would appear inadequate - but remember that I will pray for you. Be good and take care.We can't change several things in our life so let's not go for an emotional over-kill! Peace!

  6. I can't imagine this cycle working and I can't imagine it not working. I still just pray that it will work, but am terrified that it won't.

    I can relate completely to this. After my miscarriages, every cycle that we went through, I was scared that it would work and scared it wouldn't. I think I was scared until I hit about 34wks gestation and knew that my chances of bringing home a healthy baby were finally tipped heavily in my favor.

    I too don't know how women go through numerous IVF cycles. I don't know if I'm strong enough to face that.

    I can't take your place, but I'll be here through the journey. You can do this!

  7. "It's still just hard to be hopeful in light of repeated past experiences. I believe in God's goodness, but I've experienced a lot of disappointment in Him. That's hard to reconcile."

    Exactly! Very well said! I still, depite everything that we've been through, believe G-d is in control and there's a reason for all of this. Where I struggle with it all is that I believe that G-d has allowed me to want this so much, and not just the baby thing, but, the continuation of my our family line, that I find it very, very hard to understand why he hasn't allowed me, despite every effort known to man, to achieve it.

    I struggle with this daily, so, I totally understand where you're coming from.

  8. I so understand he feeling if just trying to figure out why you have to go through this. I guess we just have to beleive there's a reason. Maybe we won't know the answer now or in a few years, but maybe someday we'll understand. We just have to believe that our future children are fighting just as hard to get to us. We can't give up, for them.

    I'd say God is taking care of you with your awesome AMH test results and the fact that you have some perfect eggies on ice just waiting to be fertilized. You know they are quality eggs, so that bodes very well for the success of this cycle. I have a good feelng for you and I understand you being scared after all you've been through. I'll be praying for you!

    Thanks for your comments on my blog. My PCP doc found the nodule on my thyroid during a routine appt., so she had me get an u/s and biopsy. She is convinced the thyroidectomy will help/fix my IF issues. I wish I could be so sure. I was tested for anti-thyroid antibodies, but it was negative. Many pople have told me that thyroid nodules can interfere with egg development, so I'm hoping they're right!

  9. Hi, miss you too! I've been thinking of you. Yes, we should get together and catch up.

  10. I know how hard it is to anticipate the future and know that either outcome is scary. I remember the night that I had spotting with Zeke's pregnancy and Dan and I just felt numb imagining the possibility.

    Hang tight to God. He will be your refuge, your comfort, your strength. And all those things you know are true about Him, He will prove to you and you will KNOW beyond doubt.

    I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

  11. If I could do it for you, I would. But you don't need me or anyone else to take your place -- you can handle all of it, and I know you will walk through your fears and do just GREAT.

    Time is gonna fly!

  12. You are strong and you can do this. It is never easy, but it is full of hope, just hang onto it.
    I know exactly how you feel.

  13. Hi Polly, I've been stalking your blog intermittently for a while (found you via a link on Brenda's blog!) and just wanted to say how much I relate to this post - not that I'm going through what you are, but just the difficulty of surrendering and trusting a God who I *know* to be good, but who I still find myself doubting. I know He will give me what I need, but it's so hard to trust when he hasn't promised to give me what i *want*! Thinking about what you said about God having your best in mind is so right, and so hard to remember. Someone once said to me 'God's purpose might not be for you to be happy, but it is certainly for you to be holy' and he is obviously making these holiness changes in you - moulding and shaping you to be more like his Son - often a very, very painful process!
    Sorry for this long rambling comment from a total stranger, but wanted to say thanks for writing this post - it's full of wisdom, and was really helpful for me to read today.

  14. Coming over from LFCA and sending you much hope that this will be a great transfer for you.

  15. I was right there with you last month -- couldn't imagine it working, couldn't imagine it not working. It's hard to stay somewhere in the middle, where you feel like you're prepared for disappointment but open to good news (and just optimistic enough) as well. I am currently reading When Bad Things Happen to Good People to get some perspective on faith. I like the author's idea that maybe God doesn't control every single thing that happens to us -- maybe when something bad happens he weeps with us, and he celebrates our joys as well. I think that helps me b/c it takes away the burden of thinking that I've been "punished" for something when I get sad news in my pursuit of parenthood.

    Anyway, I am wishing you all the best with your transfer and hoping for a positive test and a successful pregnancy for you.

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  17. Polly!!(((HUGS)))))) I know how confusing, and trying it all is. I know how you feel and what i have learned is that it is okay to feel the way you do!! It is hard to stay positive and not think back on previous can never forget them...especially when they are so painful. I truly wish i could say what ever is needed to wipe away the fear, the uncertainty of it all!!! Where ever you are emotionally and no matter how you feel... GOD does love you, but like a parent, even if you doubt or not feel so nicely towards God from time to time, God loves you!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and hubby...holidays are especially hard, but i pray that this is it for you and soon will be nervously and anxiously awaiting the birth of your baby!!!!


  18. For me, it was hard to see how God works when I was at my lowest low, but you are truly inspirational. I know I'm so so so far away but I will be thinking of you and holding your hand and no matter what happens, I'll be here for you..

    Huge hugs to you and Berilac this X'mas...


  19. I just got a great book for Christmas - "Warrior of the Light - A Manual" by Paul Coelho.

    Your post reminded me so of this part:

    "A Warrior of the Light accepts his Personal Legend completely.

    His companions say: "He has remarkable faith!"

    For a moment, the Warrior feels proud, then immediately feels ashamed of what he has heard because he does not have as much faith as he appears to have.

    At that moment, his angel whispers: "You are only an instrument of the Light. There is no reason to feel proud or to feel guilty. There are only reasons to feel happy.

    And the Warrior of the Light, aware now that he is but an instrument, feels calmer and more secure."

    Ok - I'm not saying I'm even close to "there" yet myself...far from it...and I completely agree that it is so much easier said then done, but from the sounds of your post, you are headed in that are headed towards a "calmer and more secure place" - even if you have to push through the fear and scary parts first.

    This book has so many quotes that resonates with the infertility journey. Highly recommend it!

  20. Sending lots of hope your way for a fantastic transfer! Hope it goes well!!!

  21. Hi Polly,

    Here's to wishing you and DH a very Happy New Year!

    I pray this New Year is the fulfillment of all the things prayed and hoped for in the past.
    Good health, happiness, wisdom, and prosperity to you in 2009 and beyond.

    Best wishes for a tremendous new year,