Putting my heart on the line

The AMH results came back from both the California clinic and CCRM, the results are consistent with a high follicular count and NOT early menopause.

I.am.floored.

I mean, for 2 and a half years, I've been coping with this struggle and for the past year and half I've been trying to cope with the ever growing diagnosis of early menopause. And now, now we are being told we are not in early menopause; that there may be explainable reasons for the "proof" we found previously that pointed towards early menopause - who wouldn't be astounded?

So we're laying it all out on the line. We paid for 3 retrievals with our current clinic and instead of making good on the third retrieval (or heading out to CCRM for a closure cycle) we will be attempting pregnancy next month.

I started my protocol on Wednesday, and it's inches away from being confirmed that the actual date of thaw/fertilization (conception!!) will be Wednesday January 7th, we are aiming for a 5 day transfer on January 12th, and we are STOKED!!

So we are trying to ignore the fear of historically poor test results, poor egg retrieval results, and the loss of 4 babies and instead focusing on the hope that God is in control, that we have two "normal" oocytes, and the fact that in the past - we have gotten pregnant easily ... so this time maybe we won't miscarry?

We are choosing the risky and courageous route, instead of the easy and safe route ... it would be so much easier to just keep doing egg retrievals ... when we don't actually attempt to fertilize eggs and transfer embryos, we protect ourselves from the procedure not working or even another loss. I'm so afraid of taking the next step, only to be let down again. But I must face this fear if I want children ... I can only claim God's strength to face this giant.

We are 31 days away from thaw and 36 days away from transfer ... and hopefully, we are 45 days away from a positive pregnancy test that results in a healthy, take home baby come the end of September.

My prayer requests will be coming soon ...