Thursday, January 1, 2009

Here's to 2009

If Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't hard enough ... let's throw New Year's in to the mix as well.

I remember last year at this time, we were 3 miscarriages down, in the middle of our "first" injectibles cycle. I thought for sure this was going to be our cycle. I was on 25-75iu/Follistim per day and I was developing 9 growing follicles. My doctor lowered the amount and I coasted - taking 17 days of stims to ultimately produce 1 mature follicle. We discovered we were pregnant in mid January, and by late January we had experienced miscarriage number 4. I thought for sure 2008 could not be as bad as 2007 was, what with 3 miscarriages in our pocket. But I was wrong. 2008 started off with a miscarriage and ended up being nothing but rough.

I had no idea when I signed up for fertility preservation in early 2008 (in order to do CGH testing on my oocytes) that the process would take a year! Naively I hoped that I could cycle in April, June, and August, and attempt a transfer during the August cycle or at the latest - the September cycle! Now, here I am in January, a year later, with only 2 retrievals under my belt (instead of the three we signed up for!) and poised and ready to go to CCRM if this transfer doesn't work.

The waiting has been painful.

I can't believe that in less than a week we fertilize. We are hopefully only a few days away from transfer ... TRANSFER! I can't even express how exciting and frightening this all is. I was talking with my therapist about it and we agreed that indifference (and letting go) is a good place for me right now. The stress and questioning does me no good.

So yes, you read that right earlier ... if this cycle doesn't work, we have already paid for a freeze all cycle at CCRM which we will do as soon as possible ... if this cycle doesn't work (which will be nice to rebound into, but more so, we'll get the tax benefit in 2008) but if this cycle does work, then we get our money back ... and let me say, it's A LOT of money ... let's just say this: it's more money than I would spend on a car. Heck, if this cycle does work, we'll spend the refund on a car!!

I get so scared to get excited about 2009. I feel so stupid for ever thinking that 2008 could be better than 2007 or 2006, so I don't want to embarrass myself by thinking that maybe, just maybe this year will be different. But on the other side of the coin, I think of how we're attempting a transfer that really has a lot of potential for success. And if it doesn't work, then we're headed to CCRM for a closure cycle. From there we move on to perhaps embryo adoption?? or the like ... all of these options are expensive yes, but really they are all very successful options for the most part ... perhaps 2009 won't be so bad.

And if in all of these avenues, God decides not to bless us with children, the hubby and I will run away ... literally. If we find ourselves at the end of fertility treatments, without children, we'll need to get AWAY to really think about whether adoption or living childfree is for us. (See this is where I get caught up in the worrying ... I'm already thinking about the end of 2009 and it's only day 1).

I know you might think it's premature for us to be thinking about this ... but these discussions started in early 2008. There's only so much of this we can take. There is a limit to how much loss and disappointment my heart can handle and I have no shame about running if that's what it comes to. I'll go and live out all of the dreams that those who have children - can only fantasize about!

So although 2009 will likely be filled with pain and difficulty there are a couple of ways this ship can steer (and probably more I can't even comprehend right now) so really, 2009 can't look *that* bad, right?

(with much timidity) ... here's to 2009! Let's hope it gets off to a good start.


  1. I hope you get a new car this year, Polly!!

  2. Happy New Year...Cheers to new dreams and new hopes!!!

  3. I hate this milestone time of year. Part of me sits there and thinks 'awww, by this time next year we might have a cute lil' baby!' but the other part of me is wondering just how much more a human can take without going C.R.A.Z.Y., and if 2009 will finally be the year that I find out. So I share your trepidation! But God was faithful through hard times last year, and he will be faithful again this year - whether through joy or sorrow (or both). I'll be thinking of you through this hard and uncertain time.

  4. This is all such a rollercoaster of emotions, huh?

    Great (or overly obsessive) minds think alike. I have already gone through all of my worst case scenarios for 2009 with my therapist. It goes something like final cycle fails, 1 officemate back from maternity leave, other officemate pregnant, us completely lost on what to do next, nervous breakdown ensues. The thought of it all happening is very overwhelming, but gives me that sense of comfort for feeling prepared (if that makes any sense).

    I truly hope 2009 is your year Polly. There may be bumps and bruises along the way no matter how perfectly things seem to go, but we are here for every step of the way to walk through this with you. Many, many hugs!!

    And, just 5 days now until conception!!! Here we go!

  5. You know, after having that talk with you online, it's made me understand the sacrifices you've made. You've been through some very rough roads but yet here you are - still strong and positive.

    Happy New Year, Polly and I pray that this is the year that all your dreams do come true.


  6. Good luck to you Polly, I really hope 2009 is the year.

  7. Good luck, Polly! I am so excited and hopeful for you. :)

  8. Hi Polly, I know how it feels to be at that point where you think "how much more of his can I take". But I know you have the strength to get through this transfer. You are such a strong person. I am praying that this is "your year" and I have a feeling that it will be.

  9. Happy New Year! You have a great plan and a good cycle going right now. Cheering for you!

  10. I hear thee on 2008 being worse than 2007 being worse than 2006...and not wanting to get your hopes up for 2009. We already had our "closure" cycle at CCRM and ended up not feeling closed at all! This is such a roller coaster of emotions...and I hope that you don't even have to THINK beyond this current cycle and CCRM can just refund that money right back to you! Good luck!

  11. Polly, I want to wish you ENORMOUS luck that this cycles does work. A car would be a great thing to have instead of having to cycle again.

    Best wishes and I'll keep checking back!


  12. Polly - I know exactly what you mean when you say you thought 2008 would be better than 2007. I feel stupid thinking that way too, but at least now I'm wiser. I am not thinking like that for 2009. I'm just hoping :-)

    You asked on my blog why CCRM was worried about OHSS when I don't seem to have many follicles on the picture I posted. They don't measure all the follicles during the u/s. They measure some of the bigger ones and compare to the previous day's measurements to make sure they are growing. They will almost always get more eggs than what they're counting.

    I'm hoping we get a good bunch - for we have to do PGD, and I need as many as I can get :-)

    Good luck with your cycle too - you're almost there as well!

  13. Polly-just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world as you get so close to your transfer! I love your little tickers as well. I hope each of them come true very soon. Good luck!

  14. This post said in words what I have been unable to articulate. I am pulling for you - and hoping 2009 is the year for you. I am here for you every step of the way.

  15. I am so hoping 2009 is much better for you than the previous three years and that this cycle is a sticky success!! Can't wait to watch your progress!! Thinking of you!

  16. To all Polly's friends. Please pray for us in 2009 as this will surely be a year that we will be pulling our hair out; whether from crying babies and little sleep, or more failed attempts and little hope. Thanks for all your support for Polly; it means so much to her and to me.