Here's to 2009

If Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't hard enough ... let's throw New Year's in to the mix as well.

I remember last year at this time, we were 3 miscarriages down, in the middle of our "first" injectibles cycle. I thought for sure this was going to be our cycle. I was on 25-75iu/Follistim per day and I was developing 9 growing follicles. My doctor lowered the amount and I coasted - taking 17 days of stims to ultimately produce 1 mature follicle. We discovered we were pregnant in mid January, and by late January we had experienced miscarriage number 4. I thought for sure 2008 could not be as bad as 2007 was, what with 3 miscarriages in our pocket. But I was wrong. 2008 started off with a miscarriage and ended up being nothing but rough.

I had no idea when I signed up for fertility preservation in early 2008 (in order to do CGH testing on my oocytes) that the process would take a year! Naively I hoped that I could cycle in April, June, and August, and attempt a transfer during the August cycle or at the latest - the September cycle! Now, here I am in January, a year later, with only 2 retrievals under my belt (instead of the three we signed up for!) and poised and ready to go to CCRM if this transfer doesn't work.

The waiting has been painful.

I can't believe that in less than a week we fertilize. We are hopefully only a few days away from transfer ... TRANSFER! I can't even express how exciting and frightening this all is. I was talking with my therapist about it and we agreed that indifference (and letting go) is a good place for me right now. The stress and questioning does me no good.

So yes, you read that right earlier ... if this cycle doesn't work, we have already paid for a freeze all cycle at CCRM which we will do as soon as possible ... if this cycle doesn't work (which will be nice to rebound into, but more so, we'll get the tax benefit in 2008) but if this cycle does work, then we get our money back ... and let me say, it's A LOT of money ... let's just say this: it's more money than I would spend on a car. Heck, if this cycle does work, we'll spend the refund on a car!!

I get so scared to get excited about 2009. I feel so stupid for ever thinking that 2008 could be better than 2007 or 2006, so I don't want to embarrass myself by thinking that maybe, just maybe this year will be different. But on the other side of the coin, I think of how we're attempting a transfer that really has a lot of potential for success. And if it doesn't work, then we're headed to CCRM for a closure cycle. From there we move on to perhaps embryo adoption?? or the like ... all of these options are expensive yes, but really they are all very successful options for the most part ... perhaps 2009 won't be so bad.

And if in all of these avenues, God decides not to bless us with children, the hubby and I will run away ... literally. If we find ourselves at the end of fertility treatments, without children, we'll need to get AWAY to really think about whether adoption or living childfree is for us. (See this is where I get caught up in the worrying ... I'm already thinking about the end of 2009 and it's only day 1).

I know you might think it's premature for us to be thinking about this ... but these discussions started in early 2008. There's only so much of this we can take. There is a limit to how much loss and disappointment my heart can handle and I have no shame about running if that's what it comes to. I'll go and live out all of the dreams that those who have children - can only fantasize about!

So although 2009 will likely be filled with pain and difficulty there are a couple of ways this ship can steer (and probably more I can't even comprehend right now) so really, 2009 can't look *that* bad, right?

(with much timidity) ... here's to 2009! Let's hope it gets off to a good start.