Officially negative

I can't begin to describe what the past 9 days have been like. For the first few I wasn't even able to answer phone calls, much less talk to anyone. I cancelled all my plans and just sat on the couch staring at the TV. It wasn't until I needed to get back to work 4 days after the transfer that I finally took a shower.

My emotions have ranged from despair to anger (notice that there's no hope on that scale of emotions ... yes, luckily I took Anniep's suggestion of dealing with the poor results sooner rather than later - and that really helped me to cope with today's call) I had no idea this journey would take me down these roads emotionally. I never knew life could be so tasteless, so sad, so dark. I honestly can't tell you one thing, one activity that brings me joy - I think this is depression.

We took a blood pregnancy test today and it came out with the big goose-egg, so we appreciate your prayers but I guess there isn't one who is righteous among you ;-) just kiddin'. For those of you that don't understand what this means - this cycle has officially ended with a negative pregnancy test.

I am angry with God and I'm really doubting my ability to hear Him. I feel like we have weighed every decision against the Word, I feel like we have prayed, sought wise counsel, and let our community in to share the burden with us. We have purposefully made decisions that were not selfish nor in our best interest to have a baby (or seven) but rather we chose to honor God and make choices that would keep our integrity in tact.

• When a woman has had a miscarriage she is encouraged to wait 3 cycles before trying again - we could have been impatient and started the very next cycle - but 4 times we didn't.
• When we had 7 mature follicles in an injects/IUI cycle we were at risk for a high order multiples pregnancy - some women would still proceed with the cycle and do selective reduction of fetuses in order to bring the count down to "tolerable" number ... we cancelled the expensive and emotionally trying cycle to avoid this.
• When 4 specialists agreed that the solution to our fertility problems was to use genetic testing on embryos we declined and did our research - finding a very expensive, very time-consuming treatment (genetic testing on oocytes) that didn't give us the best chance - but it allowed us to address some of our problem, while at the same time allowing us to sleep at night with our decision.
• When we just wanted to move forward with pregnancy attempts - we took a step back, knowing that the genetic testing on oocytes would take the better part of a year. Rather than jumping back into the process like we wanted to - we exercised patience, a year of it. (Seriously, you'd be hard pressed to find a woman who is trying to conceive that would willingly wait a year to attempt pregnancy - ok, unless she had faced a molar pregnancy but in that case she risks getting cancer if she tries before a year is up.)

For the last 9 days I've been asking God "why?" ... I have been battling with the rationale that if I do everything right then God will give us a baby ... but that's just not true. If God is going to bless us with children, it will be in His time and in His way.

But I still wonder why the heck we went down this long (albeit seemingly pointless!) road. Berilac and I don't know the answer to that but what we do know is that we have incredible peace about the decisions we've made thus far and we are humbled that we have chosen to honor God when the temptation is so great to try to take this situation into our own hands.

When God says no, the Word indicates that the response is to praise Him while we continue waiting. We believe that our actions thus far and our attitudes - are praise to Him! So now we breath in and out, put one foot in front of the other, keep on marching ... and see what tomorrow brings.

Oh, and thank you so much for the many, many comments on our last post. They were inspiring and brought tears to my eyes on so many of these past 9 days where I could hardly move. Thank you for your love and encouragment, thank you for your prayers.