Monday, January 19, 2009

Officially negative

I can't begin to describe what the past 9 days have been like. For the first few I wasn't even able to answer phone calls, much less talk to anyone. I cancelled all my plans and just sat on the couch staring at the TV. It wasn't until I needed to get back to work 4 days after the transfer that I finally took a shower.

My emotions have ranged from despair to anger (notice that there's no hope on that scale of emotions ... yes, luckily I took Anniep's suggestion of dealing with the poor results sooner rather than later - and that really helped me to cope with today's call) I had no idea this journey would take me down these roads emotionally. I never knew life could be so tasteless, so sad, so dark. I honestly can't tell you one thing, one activity that brings me joy - I think this is depression.

We took a blood pregnancy test today and it came out with the big goose-egg, so we appreciate your prayers but I guess there isn't one who is righteous among you ;-) just kiddin'. For those of you that don't understand what this means - this cycle has officially ended with a negative pregnancy test.

I am angry with God and I'm really doubting my ability to hear Him. I feel like we have weighed every decision against the Word, I feel like we have prayed, sought wise counsel, and let our community in to share the burden with us. We have purposefully made decisions that were not selfish nor in our best interest to have a baby (or seven) but rather we chose to honor God and make choices that would keep our integrity in tact.
  • When a woman has had a miscarriage she is encouraged to wait 3 cycles before trying again - we could have been impatient and started the very next cycle - but 4 times we didn't.
  • When we had 7 mature follicles in an injects/IUI cycle we were at risk for a high order multiples pregnancy - some women would still proceed with the cycle and do selective reduction of fetuses in order to bring the count down to "tolerable" number ... we cancelled the expensive and emotionally trying cycle to avoid this.
  • When 4 specialists agreed that the solution to our fertility problems was to use genetic testing on embryos we declined and did our research - finding a very expensive, very time-consuming treatment (genetic testing on oocytes) that didn't give us the best chance - but it allowed us to address some of our problem, while at the same time allowing us to sleep at night with our decision.
  • When we just wanted to move forward with pregnancy attempts - we took a step back, knowing that the genetic testing on oocytes would take the better part of a year. Rather than jumping back into the process like we wanted to - we exercised patience, a year of it. (Seriously, you'd be hard pressed to find a woman who is trying to conceive that would willingly wait a year to attempt pregnancy - ok, unless she had faced a molar pregnancy but in that case she risks getting cancer if she tries before a year is up.)

For the last 9 days I've been asking God "why?" ... I have been battling with the rationale that if I do everything right then God will give us a baby ... but that's just not true. If God is going to bless us with children, it will be in His time and in His way.

But I still wonder why the heck we went down this long (albeit seemingly pointless!) road. Berilac and I don't know the answer to that but what we do know is that we have incredible peace about the decisions we've made thus far and we are humbled that we have chosen to honor God when the temptation is so great to try to take this situation into our own hands.

When God says no, the Word indicates that the response is to praise Him while we continue waiting. We believe that our actions thus far and our attitudes - are praise to Him! So now we breath in and out, put one foot in front of the other, keep on marching ... and see what tomorrow brings.

Oh, and thank you so much for the many, many comments on our last post. They were inspiring and brought tears to my eyes on so many of these past 9 days where I could hardly move. Thank you for your love and encouragment, thank you for your prayers.

55 comments:

  1. Oh no - I am so so sorry Polly. I have been looking for your update and hoping for a miracle. I'm so sorry sweetie. Hugs to you.

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  2. I will continue to pray for you and for continued peace. It's is my belief that God is not saying no but not now.

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  3. I am so sorry. :-( I know how much energy you put into this.

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  4. I am so sorry, Polly. I think questioning G-d through all that we've been through is normal. At least, I hope it is because I've gone through it, and continue to go through it. We try to live good lives. We try to accept tht G-d's plan is what will happen and that He has a plan for us. What we struggle to understand is how he could make us want something so much but, potentially, not have it be part of our plan.

    I believe that, to have true faith, you have to question and not accept blindly. I'm so sorry for the pain that you're feeling and hope it gives you some solace to know that we out here understand.

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  5. Oh Polly, I have ro right words to say. I can just give you a hug...


    ~Hugs~

    I have not figured out God's role in my infertile journey either. Our religious affiliations are different and so the paths that we have to take may also be ritualistically different. My mother keeps on telling me to never lose faith, but the truth is that I already have. I have to be rediscovering the dude up there. I don't know how to deal with myself or my venerated.

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  6. NO NO NO NO NO!!

    I saw the header and my heart sank big time. I am so sorry. I don't really know what to say. I feel your pain and I feel your anger. I went to the city yesterday and stopped by at church and lit a candle for you and Berilac.

    Huge hugs to you and Berilac *not letting go*

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  7. I have been thinking about you and praying for you a lot during the last nine days. I can't even begin to put into words the amount of sadness I have in my heart for you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now, but I guess and intenet ((BIG HUG)) will have to do. You have every right to be angry, sad, whatever. I know God will get you through, but it would be nice to understand his reasoning sometimes, right? I guess we just have to keep the Faith that we will all end up in a great place eventually. Hang in there, sweetie.

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  8. I am so very sorry to hear this.

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  9. Polly...I'm so sorry about the BFN and that you've been suffering for so long. I understand how difficult it has been to even get up in the mornings and keep going. It stinks. Nothing can describe the pain and the weight that settles on you and blankets you with a deep sense of despair...you're not alone. Sending you a cyber {HUG}.

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  10. you and your hubby are an amazing example of showing God's light in a dark world, although I would guess you don't feel that way right now. My heart and prayers go out to you both.

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  11. Dear Polly,
    I'm so sorry to read this. I have really struggled with the same questions and you're right, your actions so far HAVE been a praise to him. You've acted uprightly and the one who has numbered all the hairs on your head - he knows this. And I know he is pleased.
    We don't know what his plans are, but we do know that there WILL come a time when he will wipe away every tear from your eyes. I'll be praying that he will bring you comfort now, and assure you of his love for you. Big, huge hug.

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  12. Damn! You have shown more patience than anyone should have to show. You have done what you believe is right and consistent with your beliefs and still....

    I am so sorry. I hope you find peace and find courage to move onward toward your dream, but for now, I know you will find the strength simply be. Hang onto Berilac and let him lean on you.

    Many hugs for you, Polly.

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  13. Oh no! I saw your header and my heart sank. I am so sorry. I know how this feels and I know how it feels to question your place in regard to infertility. Since I am in the middle of that struggle myself, I cannot help but just offer empathy. You have done everything to stay on both paths. Please don't lose all hope. I will keep you and your DH in my prayers.

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  14. I am so sorry for you Polly, I can't imagine how utterly crushed you and Berilac are feeling right now. Your heart was in the right place and you did do everything right - God is weeping with you. He wants us to be parents; He does not want this pain for us!

    I also believe that He sends people into our lives to help us figure it all out: smart doctors, understanding friends and strangers, etc. C and I have met some amazing people in the past year because of our struggles and I believe it is Him putting them in our paths to enrichen our lives.

    I feel like God put these amazingly brilliant doctors on this earth to help us, and God also put that unquenchable desire to be parents into us! I personally don't feel like we are putting too much of the situation in our own hands - I know He will tell us when we are going down the wrong path, I will feel that little tap tap tap on the shoulder and I will just know! Keep trudging on and don't stop until you feel that tap on your shoulder!

    Many people tell us they are praying that we 'get a baby', and I always tell them that praying for a baby won't make a baby appear, but rather pray that He gives us the Strength and Hope to make through all of this we are going through, because that is someing that He really can give us - so that is what I will pray for you, the strengh to carry on despite so much heartbreak and loss, and that you begin to feel Hope again.

    Much love!

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  15. Polly,

    God is wraping his arms around you to comfort your falling tears. He hurts for you. It's impossible to understand His plan or why He is allowing such challenges to come into your life.

    He expects us to suffer. He wrote about it.

    1 Peter 5:10 -
    And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

    He will restore you, too.

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  16. I am so sorry Polly. It isnt fair. Take care of yourself and Berilac, time will heal and you will know what path to take next.

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  17. Polly, I'm sad with you because I know how badly you and Berilac wanted this to work. I don't know where you go from here, but if you are truly seeking God's will, He will guide you when the time is right. I hope you find happier days really, really soon. It's ok to have good cry. HUGS.

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  18. Polly, you are an inspiration. We still try to honor God after 4 m/c, but deep down I know I just don't trust Him and can't fully give myself up to Him, I hope in time I can, but 16 months after the last m/c I still struggle with going to church, being around people with babies, etc. Prayer is even a struggle, it like I rush through it because I know it is something I am "supposed" to do, I hope my JOY returns soon... hugs to you

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  19. I am so sorry. I am praying that God will continue to bless you and your family as you all come to peace with this ordeal. I pray for the best for you and your family. God will make a way some how.

    Take Care

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  20. Polly, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you and your husband. My thoughts are with you guys. I really hope you find a happy place somewhere, somehow, soon.

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  21. Polly, I am devastated for you. No buts about it. Sending prayers and hugs, hoping you can work through some of this pain and keep going. I'm sorry this journey has to be so, so rough.

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  22. I'm so sorry Polly!

    And just remember, just because you are trusting God and praising Him despite the outcome, it is ok to be sad and grieve. God doesn't tell us we can't be sad. Even Jesus wept at Lazurus' death.

    So just let it out as you need to and know we are all thinking of you and wishing that the outcome was different...

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  23. Oh Polly, I know I have already told you, how sorry I am, but I wanted to express it again. My heart is truly aching for you. I find it natural that you are questionning God, I myself have done it many times. I don't feel he is telling you no, he just has another plan for you. Please be good to yourself and heal. We are here for you on whatever the next step of your journey might be.

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  24. Polly,
    I'm so sorry. Despite the sad news today, I am so proud of you. It isn't easy to say "no" to the path of least resistence and to stand by the Word, but you've continued to do so with tremendous grace. I know that accepting that "If God is going to bless us with children, it will be in His time and in His way" is not easy. When this trial is over, and believe me it will eventually be over, I know you will look back on it all with no regrets. Until then, keep your chin up and have faith that He has plans to prosper you! (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

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  25. I wish I knew what to say, I wish there were answers for us all.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  26. Dear Polly,

    I'm sorry for the BFN result...I'm crying with you for the pain and the heartache.

    I am also praising with you as you struggle to praise Him at this low point.

    May God comfort you in His mighty arms and may He give you wisdom when it is time to move forward.

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  27. Polly
    I'm just so so sorry for all you've gone through. Having had four failed IVFs myself, I know some of your pain, though not all of it.
    This past Sunday at church our class was watching a great series...the title was "When Bad Things Happen"...I really found it comforting.
    Here's the link, just in case you're intersted:
    http://www.cor.org/worship-sermons/sermons/show/sermons/When-Making-Sense-of-Suffering-Providence/

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  28. Polly
    I'm just so so sorry for all you've gone through. Having had four failed IVFs myself, I know some of your pain, though not all of it.
    This past Sunday at church our class was watching a great series...the title was "When Bad Things Happen"...I really found it comforting.
    Here's the link, just in case you're intersted:
    http://www.cor.org/worship-sermons/sermons/show/sermons/When-Making-Sense-of-Suffering-Providence/

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  29. Polly,

    There are no words. Just pain. Do whatever you must to survive these days, and apologize to no one. As long as you and Berilac are ok with your decisions, you owe nothing to anyone.

    I have always been amazed by your faith, and I think it's totally acceptable to question it somewhere along the journey. You have done EVERYTHING right. You are a model of everything God can hope for in humanity. Why are you left to suffer such? I have no answer. I've come to accept that life is not fair. And inspite of all our pain, I do believe, deep down, that someday we'll look back and say, "yes, it all did make sense." Eventually, clarity will reveal why we are here. Hoping the passage of time will bring us peace. You have so much love to give.

    I wish I had a better message. I wish every moment did not have to be so hard. My best advice: Count success in minutes... and hopefully the hours, days, weeks, and years will become less painful. You will survive this, Polly, and it's ok if you don't believe it right now; I am believing it for you. I am always beside you, win or lose.

    Love!!!!!!!!!
    Erin :)

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  30. Polly, my heart aches with you. You put so much of yourself into this and I so desperately wish the outcome would have been different. I am thinking of you.
    Jess

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  31. I'm so sorry for the negative. I wish there was something I could say that would make it go away.

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  32. I am so sorry, Polly. I know there are no words that can make this better right now. How I wish there were, dear friend. Feel and do whatever you need to get through this. There is no timetable to just "get over it" or move on. It is a huge loss and disappointment that deserves to be grieved. Continuing to pray for you and Berilac as you navigate your way through your next steps. Giant hugs to you, hun.

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  33. I am so so sorry to read this.

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  34. So sorry to hear the news, my sister in Christ. I pray that God may give you a glimpse of the glorious plans HE and only HE has for you. Love & Hugs to you both. Shannon

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  35. Well, hell... there's not much to say, is there?

    I hope you can at least down a couple of nice blender drinks w/ umbrellas to toast to another friggin' BFN.
    *shrug*

    I do have a lot of hope for you at CCRM... all you can do is look forward, and Colorado *is* beautiful this time of year.

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  36. Polly - I am so sorry to hear your news. It was not what I was expecting when I checked your blog. I wish that there were words that I could say that would make things better, even just a tiny bit. Just know that we're all here for you and we're thinking of you and Berilac.

    Lots of hugs.

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  37. Oh, Polly, I'm so sorry. Like everyone else I wish there was something I could say or do to make it hurt less, but I know that's not possible. Please just know that I will keep you and Berilac in my thoughts. Sending many hugs your way.

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  38. I won't pretend to know what you are going through because I can't.

    but i do know how it feels when god says NO and it hurts like hell. i don't know what your future holds but i do that HE holds it and HE will give you the desires of your heart...I wish I could tell you what that looked like.

    You have walked this road with so much grace and dignity. Get mad at God -- He can take it.

    Praying for you as you decide which steps to take....

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  39. Polly, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

    I am not a person of faith but because I believe I have a deep sense of integrity, it's not difficult for me to understand having to abide by the commitments you've made.

    The only thing I can say is that when you have a value structure (whatever it is) that keeps you fueled and able to live with yourself in peace, it'll carry you through the very hardest of times.

    Your day is coming, you'll see. :)

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  40. Oh,honey, I'm so very sorry. Sending you tons of healing and loving vibes...

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  41. My beautiful kids... my heart is so heavy reading this post... this is such a long journey... aaah, the darkness. A source of comfort comes from the book of Exodus, which says: 20:21 ... but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was. Even in our darkness, he is there, let him envelope you. I love you so. Maggie

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  42. Dear Polly, I know nothing I say right now will ease your pain. You are right....you have shown incredible patience throughout this journey and have made decisions that you can feel at peace with. I can not think of anyone that I want this to work more for. I know you are tired and feel defeated. Know that my heart aches for you guys and I will not stop my prayers. If you were not depressed I would be surprised. The human spirit can only go through so much dissapointment. Take the time you need to grieve this last cycle. The light will shine on you once again. I know it will. Let me know if I can do anything at all for you guys.

    Love Jill

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  43. Dear Polly,
    My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry. I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

    ((hugs))

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  44. I saw the title of your post on my page, but I just couldn't bear to come here and read it until now. I guess I was in denial and was not hoping to read this. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Your post hit a cord with me, regarding the embryo testing. I struggle every day with our decision about the embryo testing (sometimes, I wish that it's my eggs and not DH's sperm that has something wrong - at least they can test the eggs whereas they can't test sperm's DNA), but I'm not strong like you; instead, I made a deal with the devil. I'm really proud of you for the way you're handling everything. I don't think God hears me anymore, but I'm sending a prayer for you right now anyway. {{{HUGS}}}

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  45. Dear Polly,

    I am truly so very sorry.
    So often I've tried to comment, but somehow the words 'I'm sorry' never seem adequate, and yet that's all there is to say.
    I pray that God will continue to wrap you in His loving arms. That His holy spirit will comfort you and your DH during this your deep despair, and that your faith will continue to grow.
    I know how difficult it is to maintain trust when our prayers and deeds do not manifest the things beseeched. However, I know you know that God is faithful in all His promises—for the gifts and calling of God are without repentance (Rom 11:29). He will never go back on His promises.
    Perhaps this was how Abraham felt as he approached 100 without the fulfillment of that promise...

    Holding your hand,
    *hugs*
    Anna

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  46. I know nothing I can write will ease the pain you are experiencing. As a fellow believer, I can tell you a very good book that got me through a difficult time in my continuing battle with infertiliy..."When God Interrupts" by M. Craig Barnes. I wish I had your address because I would send you an extra copy I have lying around! This book truly put things in spiritual perspective for me. I will be praying for you guys.

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  47. Polly, I do wish I had something of any use to say. I can only offer you my thoughts and my love and my understanding as I reach through time and space to (abstractly) hold your hand. I'm lighting a candle for you in my heart. xxx

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  48. I hope you're doing fine.

    God Bless,
    Anna

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  49. Hi P --

    Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today. Hope you guys are holding each other tightly.

    Miss you... we'll be here when you are ready.

    Love, E

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  50. Hi Polly,

    I just stumbled across this site and had to reach out to you. I am also 31 and have just been diagnosed with Hashimotos (my mum has it too but wasnt diagnosed until she was 50 and had 4 children). My FSH is 12 and all my docs (endo etc) say it is nothing to be concerned about which i know is bull. Very frustrating as my husband believes them. :( I am going to test for anti-ovarian antibodies as i already get hot flushes and many other symtoms (which they put down to anxiety).

    Anyway, i just had to reach out. You could be me.

    xx

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  51. Hi there. Thanks for coming and commenting. They said they'd couldn't move me up because a different lab does the Microarray. And there is a risk of refreezing them. I am not sure i am willing to sacrifice all of them.

    And maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Remember how I didn't like the idea of throwing away embryos. And testing just the eggs was better? Maybe this made it so that I don't have to do that or have that guilt on my hands. in any case, thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

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  52. Polly - I am so sorry. I wish I had some inspriational thought to share. You are so strong. Keep breathing and everyday will get better. Many hugs, sweetheart.

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  53. I have just read your last post and needed to relay to you that you are not alone.
    It can feel so isolating and yet here I am going through so many of the same emotions you are-questioning God, getting angry with Him-feeling that I have lost my instincts and the ability to hear the small quiet voice of God...asking over and over "why??" and feeling like there is no reply.

    I believe there will be one day, for both of us.

    I will pray and follow you on your journey and look forward to the day that turns this page to a happier chapter...Peace. H.

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