Monday, January 26, 2009

My blog's namesake

This video is quite intimate.

I thought about not sharing it, but then I realized, that this is **why** I started blogging about our infertility in the first place - to help get the word out there that infertility affects a lot of people and it's extremely painful.

(Ok, let me interrupt to say - no, they did not pick a very flattering still for me, now did they? Argh! My 15 minutes of fame and I've got the ugly cry ... great!)

This excerpt is from my October 2008 New Life Weekend, when I originally posted these words, I just shared the words, but here I post my heart.

At the end of the weekend they asked the attendees to write a letter about what the weekend meant to them, during the weekend I really wanted to get unstuck from dealing with the idea that my husband and I might never have children, here I share how the weekend impacted me:

New Life Weekend: Wise Old Man from New Life TV on Vimeo.

I think the hardest part about watching this video for me is knowing that back then I was under the impression that I only had a very short window of opportunity to conceive - thinking that I was quickly headed to POF. Now, given that my mom went through menopause at age 36, it's still very likely that I could go into menopause prematurely, but given that CCRM has told me that my AMH is very high - it's likely I won't go into early menopause ... and the end of this roller coaster is nowhere in sight. I was kind of looking forward to a limited window of suffering.

But in reality, I too can make a decision to close that window and end the suffering - I'm not passive, it doesn't have to "happen" to me.

The door is not shut yet, Berilac and I have talked about it and prayed about it, and we spent some time talking with Dr. Schoolcraft about the results of our most recent huge embarrassing failure of a cycle ... Next stop: Denver. I will join the ranks of the infertile elite and cycle at CCRM.

I guess I'm not getting that minivan, huh?

94 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your video, Polly. I got very teary-eyed as I watched it. It really hit home with me - the whole wondering-if-it-will-ever-happen-for-us thing and the whole closing-the-window part of it, too. It's just so hard.

    I'm really glad that you spoke with Dr. Schoolcraft and that you will be cycling at CCRM. It seems like that has definitely helped quite a few people when other avenues have not. I'm very hopeful for you and Berilac -- I hope that this will bring you success.

    Thanks again for sharing it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow! That was so good. I mean, sad, but good. I could've written most of that myself...and remember trying to please God enough for him to think me worthy of children. There was a day almost one year ago that I gave up me and chose to accept His will, whatever that brought. Sounds like you are coming to that place. I know you desperately want biological children, but adoption really is not a consolation prize. If you and Berilac really want to be parents, I wonder if you'd consider adoption. I feel for Ellie like she was meant to be our daughter and I'd give my life for her. I understand wanting a biological connection, but I also enjoy the fact we have another entire family in Texas now.

    I hope your dreams come true. Just because adoption was for us, doesn't mean it is for you. I just think it's worth considering. Thank you for being so open and sharing your video.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for posting that. I want your pain to end so badly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for sharing that video with us all. We should all post videos because we all probably have impressions of each other based on writing and pics, but the video allows us to get to know you in the "flesh and blood" so to speak...it also allows us to empathize with your pain in a more intimate way....thanks for giving us that privilege.

    Good luck with your continued treatment at CCRM. I always post this, but it is so true...although we got a BFN, I was very impressed with the whole experience. At minimum, I felt like they really were doing everything in the power to make the cycle work.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Polly, that was very well put and well thought out and I am still crying along with you. I am glad you are not giving up hope and you are moving on to CCRM, if for nothing else than their fabulous lab. You will get to be a momma! Oh, and I'm jealous of your high AMH!
    When are you likely to be traveling for the one day workup? Just curious...I may be in town:-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Polly - I am a financial contributor to NewLife, and I am humbled and proud to share in your video and testimony as a result of your weekend of healing. In fact, I even know who the "wise old man" is, and I pray for your heart to continue to heal.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Got your comment on my blog and wanted to respond. Boo- I may just miss you in CO...though I'm not sure. Right now they are estimating my ER for 2/24, but I'm likely to be later than that b/c AF is always late when I am on lupron. I'll stay in touch...I know it is hard to hold on to hope, but we both have to stay positive and have faith. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Polly, I cried watching your video. I can so identify with just wanting the pain to end and withdrawing from family/friends. I can't even imagine losng four children. ((HUGS)) I loved your quote at the end about misery being optional. That is sooo true. I'm so impressed by your courage to share such intimate feelings with us and live in front of so many people. You go girl. Many prayers your miracle comes soon. Thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Polly, I love you!! Thank you for sharing your video with us. You are so brave and full of so much inspiration. I'm so sorry I missed that weekend with you too!!

    I was bawling from start to finish and am still holding back the tears. Your words are so honest and raw and yet your Polly cuteness shines through as always with your little one liners.

    I am wishing you all the best with Schoolcraft and CCRM. I'll warn him that you're coming back soon. (-; Many hugs, hun.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hugs and prayers for you as you persevere. I have such hope that you will make it happen.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I couldn't stop crying for I feel YOUR pain. I really want this pain to end for you. I REALLY DO.

    Wrapping you in a big hug and not letting go!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow, that was powerful!

    I know what you mean about looking forward to a limited window of suffering, but, at the same time, I am so glad CCRM holds some promise for you and I pray for the best of all outcomes!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Polly, for starters, you are so pretty - tears and all. And I just cried to listen to your words.

    Being an atheist, I don't struggle with the extra layer that you do but my heart is so broken for you because I can imagine it shakes your faith to go through this. I know how important faith is to those who believe and I hate that infertility robs them of one more thing.

    Yes, CCRM is the club of the infertile elite and usually the results are very good. Know that they'll be wonderful for you.

    Oh and if you ever saw me cry, then you'd know ugly. My face puffs up like a blow fish, my nose gets redder and rounder than Rudolph's and my straightened hair seems to catch any of the mist from my tears and frizz up like Diana Ross'. Yeah, nice pic, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Polly, thank you so much for sharing this, as painful as it is! I cried from start to finish. I am so amazed that you could put your raw emotions into words like that, with the end result being so beautiful. I could never keep my composure as well as you did, especially with a microphone in front of your face - I bow to your poise and grace! I know you touched as many people in that audience as you have today in your blog.

    I am so hopeful to hear that you are starting new again at CCRM - I will say a special prayer for the doctors, that they will know the perfect plan for you too!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm sitting here crying as I'm watching your video. I am so, so sorry for all you have had to endure, even though those words seem so completely inadequate. I hope CCRM brings you success.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Polly, you're SO beautiful! "Misery is optional". Yes, I know that to be true, and yet, during such a long journey, it is sometimes difficult to remember. Thank you for sharing this. xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. Polly, your pain resonates with me. I am sorry that this has beat you down so badly, as it has for all of us. It just sucks and it isnt fair. What I did see in you is still a sense of humor, to see you smile through the pain. I know it hurts, I wish it didnt. I am inspired by your strength.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Polly--
    I agree with Retro Girl, we should all post videos of ourselves like this...although I've followed your story and felt your heart break you came to life for me in that video. Of course my heart broke for you again, but you know what I mean. It is agonizing to see another human being in pain, but you are most definitely not alone.
    I hope the link I commented a few posts back was helpful to you if you had the chance to check it out. I found it extremely comforting.

    And while CCRM wasn't our miracle, I do think they will give you the absolute best shot. And hey, we're even considering cycling with them again! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Polly - thank you for sharing this video. I have tears in my eyes because so much you say resonates with me. I hope your struggle ends soon, and I hope CCRM is the answer you (and I) need.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Polly, I've been reading your blog for a while now and I have never commented. That video had me sobbing out loud. It's one thing to always read about IF struggles, it's another thing completely to see it in such a "live" form. I'm so glad you shared that. I am rooting for you and pulling for you and I hope CCRM finally brings you your miracle. You are most deserving.

    By the way, we are neighbors. I also live in the bay area. . .

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi Polly,

    You are so courageous for sharing yourself with us! Thankyou!! I think you are an inspiration and my heart goes out to you and Berilac. You are in my prayers!

    CCRM sounds hopeful!

    ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  22. That is beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I can't stop crying. You and your family are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Thank you for sharing the video, Polly. Many Hugs and may Denver hold the answers to your prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh, honey, I just cried through your whole video. Beautiful, honest and real. Thank you for sharing it.

    Now that you're Denver bound, let's definitely plan to get together. Dinner at our place? Dinner out? Do you need a place to stay? Let me know how we can help support you!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh Polly...first of all, I want to say, I'm sorry. Somehow, while updating my blog, I didn't get you on my bloglist, so I have failed to keep up with where you guys were in all of this. I'm so sorry.

    I sit here watching this video with tears running down my face. I certainly don't understand what God's plan is in all of this, but it's definitely the enemy that wants us to feel defeated. He wants us to feel as though it's hopeless and wants us to give up.

    My husband quotes the following verse to me all of the time and it brings me great comfort. Psalm 126:5 "Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy."

    Chin up, sweetie...it's not over. Covering you in prayer!

    ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank you for sharing the video, I have been crying all day so, while I watched, the tears just kept a flowing. I am wishing you huge boat loads of luck in Denver. I have heard some really fantastic things about CCRM. You deserve this SO much honey.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Polly-You are such a brave person to share your raw emotions and feelings. I am so sorry for all that you've been through and are still very much going through. I can only say that I hope your pain eases soon and that very good things are in store for you. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  28. Dear Polly, I'm new to your blog and just wanted to say that you are an inspiration to us all. I bawled watching your video. I admire how you continue to go after God during these difficult trials. I'm so sorry for all that you are enduring. My heart breaks for you. I hope CCRM is the answer to your prayers. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thanks for sharing the video, Polly. It takes courage to speak about suffering with the candor that you do. You are a blessing to so many people who are enduring hardship as well. I look forward to the day of rejoicing with you when your journey leads you and Berilac to holding your baby. Whenever and however God works this out for you, it will be beautiful and glorious and I believe in my heart so much that the day will come for you.

    ReplyDelete
  30. That video brought tears to my eyes. I know I've felt those very same emotions. You deserve the absolute best... I pray your turn is next.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. I am praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
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