This video is quite intimate.
I thought about not sharing it, but then I realized, that this is **why** I started blogging about our infertility in the first place - to help get the word out there that infertility affects a lot of people and it's extremely painful.
(Ok, let me interrupt to say - no, they did not pick a very flattering still for me, now did they? Argh! My 15 minutes of fame and I've got the ugly cry ... great!)
This excerpt is from my October 2008 New Life Weekend, when I originally posted these words, I just shared the words, but here I post my heart.
At the end of the weekend they asked the attendees to write a letter about what the weekend meant to them, during the weekend I really wanted to get unstuck from dealing with the idea that my husband and I might never have children, here I share how the weekend impacted me:
New Life Weekend: Wise Old Man from New Life TV on Vimeo.
I think the hardest part about watching this video for me is knowing that back then I was under the impression that I only had a very short window of opportunity to conceive - thinking that I was quickly headed to POF. Now, given that my mom went through menopause at age 36, it's still very likely that I could go into menopause prematurely, but given that CCRM has told me that my AMH is very high - it's likely I won't go into early menopause ... and the end of this roller coaster is nowhere in sight. I was kind of looking forward to a limited window of suffering.
But in reality, I too can make a decision to close that window and end the suffering - I'm not passive, it doesn't have to "happen" to me.
The door is not shut yet, Berilac and I have talked about it and prayed about it, and we spent some time talking with Dr. Schoolcraft about the results of our most recent huge embarrassing failure of a cycle ... Next stop: Denver. I will join the ranks of the infertile elite and cycle at CCRM.
I guess I'm not getting that minivan, huh?