Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ah, disappointment ... my old friend.

I was wondering how long my streak would last. I would say it's horrible and painful, but sadly it's just strangely familiar.

We will not have to worry about triplets, and we won't even have to worry about twins, we do have to wonder if we will even get pregnant this cycle - and if we do, if we'll just end up miscarrying again.

Instead of having 3 embryos of varying quality today, we only had 1 poor quality embryo.

Ideally, we would have had 3 6-8 cell embryos and instead 2 of our little babies arrested at the 2PN stage (in other words, they did not develop since Thursday - NOT AT ALL). They will allow those little ones to develop until day 6 and if they cleave at all they will freeze them for us, but if they don't (and they very likely won't) they will just remain arrested (dead). We are so sad about losing these 2 little ones.

So what we do have is 1 embryo. And yes, I know "it only takes one" but our 1 embryo only has 5 cells, when it should have 6-8, it is graded a 3 on a scale of 1-4, 1 being the best. The embryo has 50% fragmentation and it's GES score is 50 out of 100. Today we transferred back 1 poor quality embryo. From the research I've seen, there is an 8.8% chance of implantation (getting a positive pregnancy test) but I've had lots of those with little results. The data doesn't reveal anything about live birth rate when transferring an embryo like this - my guess is, it's not good. I guess it's a good thing we played it safe with a day 3 transfer, huh? (And yet another strike for monkey shop RE).

The one redeeming quality is that this embryo was derived from one of the CGH normal eggs - so that's good.

Here is our poor little embryo:














For those of you not sure what you're looking at, here's what our little embryo should have looked like today:














I'm feeling very tempted to just emotionally move on - so as not to go through a huge down if we don't get pregnant or end up having another miscarriage. I'm not trying to "think positive," I'm trying to not be entirely negative. Oh yeah, and the other "positive" thought I had today was "at least we have more information" (that's always what RE's say when women get bad news) but then I realized that I'm more confused now, than I was before.

The thing that I don't get is how in the world we've been able to get pregnant naturally EVERY MONTH WE'VE ATTEMPTED if we:
  • can barely retrieve any eggs in an egg retrieval cycle

  • come up short on number of "normal" eggs

  • have 2/3's of our embryos (derived from NORMAL eggs!!) arrest before they even get a chance to implant - we get pregnant with abnormal embryos naturally, how come they lived long enough to survive the fallopian tubes and make it to the uterus??

  • have a very poor quality embryo with high levels of fragmentation only 3 days after conception
HOW IN THE WORLD HAVE WE BEEN GETTING PREGNANT?

Oh well, all I can do now is lay around on bedrest. And let me tell you that changing into my pj's at 11AM and crawling into a warm bed in a dark hotel room ... seemed like a great place to start dealing with my sadness. This will definitely not help me avoid depression ... great.

If God wants this to be successful - He will certainly need to pull out a miracle.

I wish I had better news for you today.

85 comments:

  1. I've been thinking about you guys SO much today....My hope is that this little embryo will find it warm and cozy in your womb and decide to flourish in its' home environment. Love & Hugs....

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  2. p.s. I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster... Our prayers and hearts are with you.

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  3. I hope God pulls that miracle for you Polly. I'm sorry your 2 other little embies didn't grow as expected.

    Hugs to you - this is all so hard, and you're so brave for handling everything so well.

    I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for you and am going to light a candle just now to send you strong sticky vibes from the south bay.

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  4. Many thousands of hugs for you today.

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  5. I hope you get your miracle Polly! I'm sorry for such a disappointing day after so many hopeful ones, doesn't seem to make sense. Sending many prayers and hugs your way!

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  6. This is turning so upsetting. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. God should really see you through now.

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  7. Polly - I'm sorry you feel so disappointed. I hope that your little embryo really is 'the one,' and that he or she makes it.

    I'm thinking of you and Berilac.

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  8. You are all in our thoughts and prayers today. We love you! Aunt J. & Uncle K.

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  9. Oh, Polly, I'm sorry that today was so hard for you. I am definitely saying some prayers for you that your little embryo finds a happy home in there and becomes the surprise you're hoping for!

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  10. Well... f*ck. I had such high hopes (don't we always?). Your embie looks like s/he's having a bad hair day w/ the fragmentation! (sorry, bad embie joke...) Someone somewhere (was it you?) said that some labs could remove some of the fragmentation, I wonder if CCRM does that?
    I'd work on the moving on bit, too... just kind of takes the edge off that BFN, but yet a BFP would be a pleasant surprise.
    At least your next step is to the BEST. I'm excited for you cycling there!!! (sorry, just being realistic... and yes, it sucks.)
    *hugs*

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  11. Ah, crap Polly. Like everyone else, I was hoping for great news today. I'm sorry about the two arrested embryos. I hope the one you transferred likes it better in your uterus than in the petri dish and makes a comeback. I understand about mentally moving on. It's hurts less sometimes. You'll be in my thoughts. ((HUGS))

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  12. Hi Polly--I found your blog while waiting for my one day workup at CCRM. I am sorry for the roller coaster that is IVF. I just wanted to say that I certainly agree that you should make better quality embryos than that very easily, given your pregnancy history. I wonder if the answer is in the egg-freezing technique and/or lab. In this case, CCRM is certainly going to be the best at that.
    But, as you've pointed out, those 5 cell embryos do make babies, and I would say that if anybody's embryo has a chance, yours does since you know it's CGH normal. I would think that if it can hang on until its gets the good nourishment from your body, it's got a good shot.
    Good luck Polly and I'm praying for you!

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  13. I am so sorry that the 2 embies didn't develop. It's very sad...

    I hope your little embryo will be the one that works for you! There is still hope...

    You are both in my thoughts and prayers!

    *hugs*

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  14. I'm so sorry. I'm feeling incredibly sad just reading this post.

    I'm still gonna keep praying for you guys. I'm not giving up one bit. Hugs to you and Berilac *not letting go*

    ((((HUGS))))

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  15. Awww, Polly. This is not what I was expecting to see today. I'm sorry the results were not what you expected and I wish I understood why these things happen. That 5-cell embryo could still very well be the one and I am holding onto hope that it is. Sending many hugs your way and saying lots of prayers for you and Berilac and your embie.

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  16. Awww Polly, I pray you get the miracle you deserve. My heart is aching for you, you and your little one are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

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  17. Found you through Desperately Seeking Spawn. Just wanted to say I'm sorry the news today wasn't the greatest, but if anything/anyone can turn this around HE can. I loved the verses to the right of your blog. Thanks for posting them.

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  18. Polly - wish i had something profound to say to lift your spirits but for now just know i am thinking of you...Kate

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  19. Oh Polly, I am so sorry that yesterday you got this news. You must be so tired of your old friend " disappointment". So tired of all the ups and downs. Give this little embie a chance. I know some of mine I transferred back were over 10 cell and they did not think they had much of a chance. But you never know. Even doctors don't know.

    And if it does not work......you have a plan. You have done all the ground work for the best clinic in the world and you are ready to roll with them. I know with me the depression came only when I did not have a plan. You have a well thought out plan my friend that you have put a lot of effort into. You are moving forward. Their is always hope when you have a plan. And more hope to hold onto when you know you will be dealing with the best in the industry.
    Rest up......don't give up.....

    Have Berilac go out and buy you any kind of food you desire, rent movies and try to get your mind of it in the next 48 hours.
    Love
    Jill (Canada)

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  20. Hopefully your embie will thrive in its new home. I am praying for you!

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  21. I hated reading this.

    There is always some hope, but I totally understand your reservations. You have so many good questions, and none of this makes sense.

    I'll never understand why good people suffer. We should not have to try this hard. I don't blame you for wanting to emotionally release. It's all about self-preservation. Do whatever you must to get through each minute, and apologize to no one.

    I wish I had more uplifting news to offer. All I can promise you is that I am here, whether rain or shine.

    Keeping you close always,
    Erin

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  22. Hi,

    I transferred a 8 cell embryo and resulted in a BFN.After 5 cycles of IUI with injectibles and 2 rounds of IVF I got frustrated and changed clinics and got pregnant when I was doing Clomid Challenge.Yes clomid which was not even an option with my first RE.I'm not bragging I just want to give you hope that miracles happen when we least expect them.

    Don't lose hope.

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  23. Sweetie, I am so sorry. I will say many prayers for you and your little embie. God has his hand in this and somehow it will all work out. Many praying for a growing & sticky embie. ((BIG HUGS))

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  24. Polly, I'm so sorry to read that you've had to meet your old friend again. I am praying God will comfort your heart as you face another disappointment - but I am ALSO praying for that miracle!!

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  25. Your in my thoughts and prayers polly.HUGS I am here for you.

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  26. I am so sorry the outlook for your embie is so weak. I will pray you get your miracle.

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  27. bummer. that sucks. errgggggg. I wish I had words that would make you feel better, but I know words aren't enough. my heart goes out to you both. i'll go out and make a snow angel in your honor tomorrow!

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  28. Polly - I am so sorry. I know this is not what any of us were expecting or hoping for. I am praying that this embie is the one - miracles do happen.

    Much love from Georgia.

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  29. Stranger things have happened. It's out of your hands now. Just keep sending all your love to that embryo. You never know. Hugs.

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  30. Polly, those 2 embryos - for someone like me - don't really look different. But I've had RE's get frustrated trying to point out my ovary and follicles on the monitor and I really can't see anything but static.

    You know what, babies are born from embryos that are far less than stellar all the time. It does happen and can happen.

    And you know what? If it doesn't, you have your Plan B and you WILL be a mom, that much is sure!

    Hugs!

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  31. Our thoughts and prayers are still with you. Wish we could give you a big hug.

    Papa & Nana

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  32. I didn't comment earlier because I wanted to say something you might want to hear . . . and I came up empty. Nothing sounds right. All this is so draining, and I so wanted your good-news streak to keep on streakin'. I'm so sorry your b!tch of a friend Disappointment decided to visit you right now. Be good to yourself during this 2ww and try to hold on to some hope.

    I am praying for your miracle.

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  33. Oh, Polly. I am so sad to hear that things aren't going as well as you had hoped or planned.

    Remember, God has your family planned ... He has absolute miracles waiting for you.

    I will pray that this will be one of those miracles for you.

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  34. Polly
    I'm really sorry for this turn of events. Believe me, I KNOW what you are feeling in this instance...we've had two lone embryo transfers despite getting lots of eggs.
    Sending you big hugs, wishing I had any words at all that could bring you comfort.

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  35. Polly, I hope that miracle comes now. Wishing everything good for you. :-) I am sorry your embryos didn't all make it.

    Implant little contender Implant!

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  36. My heart really breaks for you, Polly. I will be praying for a miracle for you and your husband.

    Blessings,
    Anne Sharman

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  37. I'm so sorry Polly :( But, I'm still praying this little one sticks!

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  38. I'm so sorry this has been such a frustrating cycle for you both. Its awful when there are so many ups and downs. You're in my prayers - hoping you get that miracle, but completely understand not wanting to invest too much in a cycle that seems such a long shot.
    Is it wrong that I hate your clinic for you?? And I'm FURIOUS they initially pushed YOU decide on a d3 vs d5 after a brief recommendation from your Dr, and weren't willing to consider what the embryo quality might be like.
    I hope the 2ww goes fast for you, and you can get a resolution to this cycle.
    Sending you huge hugs.
    xxx

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  39. oh sweetie~ i was really hoping i'd see great news from you. remember, miracles happen every day; please don't lose hope yet. i understand your need to protect yourself, though. big, huge hugs coming your way.

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  40. I'm so sorry things didn't go as well as we all hoped. I'm praying that your little contender is your miracle. Like you said, God is bigger than any number or statistic so try not to lose hope. If this contender isn't your miracle, God has something better planned for you.

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  41. Awww Polly,

    This was the last thing I expected to read, coming here :o(
    You've asked some very poignant questions.
    As my DH always tells me... unfortunately Drs don't have all the answers (though some pretend to).

    I could feel your sense of resignation reading this post. I know how hard it is to try to keep your hopes up knowing all supporting evidence seems to point to the contrary.
    I'll say a prayer for your little embryo. Yes, it's all in God's hands now.

    *hugs*
    Anna

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  42. I wish i could say the right words to ease your pain and bring you some positivity. Hugs sweetie. I will continue to pray for a miracle and pray that that little embie will indeed implant and flourish!!! Hugs to you and hubby!!

    XOXO

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  43. Please try to hang on as much as you can even through it is very hard! I am sending you lots and lots of sticky baby dust and praying that this embie is going to make it!
    Paula

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  44. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I wanted so badly to hear different news. You never know what is going to happen with the one remaining embryo, I'm still keeping my hopes up. It's all such a mystery.

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  45. Ohhh honey, I am so sorry. I just now had the chance to check email (and blogs) all weekend. I've called every day since Sat... now I know why you haven't called back. :-(

    I don't even know what to say... I wish I had answers for you or some kind of uplifting spiritual something for you, but for now, I just ache for you.

    Call me when you're ready. ILYMF.

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  46. I understand your disappointment, but I will be keeping you and your little embie in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

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  47. I'm so sorry there wasn't better news about your embryos, and I'm hoping God does pull out a miracle for you.

    If he hasn't already, tell your DH to rent a funny TV series on DVD to help you pass the time on bedrest.

    I'm hoping you get your BFP, and a long 9 months to follow.

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  48. Thinking of you...
    Hope you're doing fine.

    Many blessings,
    Anna

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  49. Chris & SamanthaJanuary 14, 2009 at 8:42 PM

    We read your post together and felt disappointed with you. We've been nothing but hopeful in our prayers, and we won't stop praying just because the odds are longer. We're looking forward to good news in a few days...

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  50. Oh Polly! I don't know how I missed this post! But, people have gotten pregnant with way less than that one normal (possibly very strong...) embryo. Do you think that maybe your body doesn't like the meds? Maybe that is why you get pregnant naturally...b/c your eggs are better without the meds (of course, me on IVF #7 writes this, right?). I will be stickign close...and praying for your and your super strong (though maybe not so pretty?) emby!

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  51. Oh, Polly, I'm so sorry. You've endured so much loss and heartache. I wish there wasn't this disappointment added to it all.

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  52. I've finally caught up with your blog, as I have been reading your posts back-to-back. {{{BIG HUGS}}} This one is the strongest of the three em-babies, so that must mean something, right? I'm hoping and praying that God's Will for this one little em-baby is for him/her to snuggle in and stay put for 9 months. You've done everything that you could. So try to enjoy being PUPO. (I know, easier said than done.)

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  53. Polly - I've been away for a while since I got a new laptop and haven't loaded all of my blogs into my reader yet, so I just read your news. I am so very sorry to hear of your disappointment. You have been through so much and to see you disappointed makes my heart ache for you. Please know that I am thinking of you.

    Jess

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  54. Desperately waiting for the good news update. xxx

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  55. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  56. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post on FF. My heart aches for you. I have had an ectopic pregnancy after 3.8 years of trying. I didn't understand why God allowed this to happen. We often wonder "why" are these things happening to us...Am I not to be a mother? This is what I questioned God. We got pregnant the cycle we didn't do an IUI. I thought God was trying to tell me that he did it not man. But I lost that baby. So I was back to square one....only with one less tube...I still don't have the answers...but I wanted to leave you with this.."With God, all things are possible". Don't give up. Do what you are able to do to have this baby....God will give you the strength that you need....regardless how your journey will end.

    God Bless

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  57. Hey Polly - Just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about yall. Take a look at Psalm 13 - it is always a comfort to me. Kate

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  58. Hi Polly,

    I've already commented on this post but wanted to let you know that I'm continuing to pray for you, beriliac and em-baby. xxx.

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  59. Hey Polly, Just read on the right toolbar "Our Journey to Family" about the outcome of this cycle. I don't blame you for not posting. You and Berilac continue to be in my thoughts during this tough journey. I hope you're able to find some peace right now. Love, Katy

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  60. I've refrained from posting because I've been holding my breath, hoping for good news... I am so very, very sorry, Polly. Can't wrap my head around the whole thing. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  61. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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