Thursday, January 10, 2008

Less is more

Because I am so open about my losses with all of my IRL friends: family, close friends, even work colleagues! and because my three losses have spanned the course of 17 months (and counting) I have heard many people say the "wrong thing" in response to hearing about miscarriage ... the wrong thing according to someone who's experienced loss.

I have my days were some things people say hit a painful chord for me, but I am blessed in that a majority of the days I do not harbor pain but rather understand that the responding person is really only trying to be helpful. I draw from my personal past experience of saying insensitive things to others going through loss (previous to my own experiences with loss) in order to find grace for those who make some of these potentially painful comments to me.

I remember some of the things I have said to others going through miscarriage or loss:
  • you're young - you have plenty of time (or anything that has to do with time)
  • you'll have a family someday (or "it'll happen")
  • it's all about stress, relax and you'll have a baby

and then there are other things that I may not have said to anyone, stuff that I've heard (not personally in most cases) that have caused pain:
  • it was just a miscarriage, not a baby
  • it wasn't meant-to-be/God's plan
  • maybe you want a baby too much, so God isn't giving you one
  • maybe you're not ready to be a parent
  • it was for the best since the baby probably wasn't good anyhow
  • at least you don't have deal with my [insert pregnancy/infant/toddler complaints here]
  • well at least you're having fun trying
... I know there are others I'm just not thinking of them right now (I have a bad memory).

I am an active member of a few fertility boards and I find that many infertiles are plauged with insensitive friends. However, I believe that most infertiles hear the insensitivity in the comment - even if it's not meant to be communicated that way. (We who are going through fertility issues are also dealing with a lot of pain, which causes a less then healthy emotional state [I know this all to well] we are pretty tattered having experienced what we have - so I believe that yes, some of these comments seem insensitive .... but you have to remember that we are in a sensitive state, so even comments that weren't meant to hurt are still heard with a sting.) I also believe that these friends may not be "insensitive" but rather - unaware. I'm constantly confronted with people IRL who are suprised that I'm taking these losses so hard. So part of the purpose of this post (and really this blog in general) is to help those who don't get it ... get it.

My motivation for this post, is for "friends of infertiles" to read and understand how best to respond when hearing about a miscarriage, either the woman's first or (God forbid) her fourteenth. Really, the best thing to say is .... as little as possible! Coupled with a hug and maybe a card, a drink, some flowers, some chocolate, some coffee - really, whatever your infertile friend enjoys. But the main point is ... words are best in moderation. (and no, I'm not lobbying for some goodies should I have a next miscarriage ;-))

At work they did a training presentation on how to best handle someone who has recently gone through a traumatic event (specific event not applicable to this post) ... anyhow the psychologist said that the 50 first words said are the most important to the recipient, and she proceeded to hand out a little card that we can carry with us in case we were ever in the situation to use it. As I read the card I realized the first part of it (the stuff that was non-event specific) is so applicable for someone going through loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death).

Here's the suggested words to use:
"I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault. How can I help?"

So when at a loss for words ... remember this phrase, and follow it up with a big hug.

***Note to all my IRL friends: no need to be concerned about any comments you may have said to me in the past. I have a horrible memory (just ask Berilac! He's never having to deal with me drudging up the past - short term memory is all I've got!) so even if you did say something - I honestly don't remember. I'm not thinking of any specific comment made to me by anyone. I am not upset about anything that was said or not said, done or not done ... I'm only trying to help people understand a bit more about what it's like to experience loss like this ... and perhaps provide some insight to those who haven't experienced it to know how to better love people who are suffering with this.

10 comments:

  1. The words: "I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault. How can I help?" are a great suggestion for so many sensitive topics.

    I hear what you're sayin' in this post -- but I think (at least for me) when I've said, "you'll have a family someday (or "it'll happen")" it was more of a faith proclimation than anything. I'm just resting and trusting that God will give you a child when He wants to. Maybe I'm not to the point of potentially accepting that He wouldn't.

    But...good post and good suggestions for all of us.

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  2. Thanks Daisy ... though I don't remember you saying this, the reason (in case you're curious) why infertiles don't like hearing this comment (I realized after the fact that I didn't really explain why these comments aren't the best support words to hear when you're struggling with fertility - Lord knows I've heard enough women share with me their pain about hearing all of the comments I listed in my post) - though I truly believe that when (if!!;-)) you said it to me, you meant it in the exact vein that you're communicating here - and I completely hear that you're trusting in God, perhaps at a time when I [the example infertile in this scenario] isn't or can't - you meant it in an encouraging "I have faith that good things will come for you" sort of a way and that is very sweet) however, an infertile hears that you're dismissing their concern about not being able to have a family, (the message heard is: it'll happen one day, so get your mind off it already - would you?) invalidating their fear and also ultimately encouraging denial about what situation that infertile might find themselves in - that they can never had children - their own or otherwise.

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  3. Many people think that "if this doesn't work out, then at least you've got adoption" and "there are many children out there who need a home, anyone can adopt" but the truth is ... sometimes adoptions fail, sometimes couples can face multiple adoption failures. And sometimes couples don't qualify for adoption for health or other reasons. When a person is walking this road of infertility and loss, monthly periods = major let downs and tears, miscarriages are dead babies, stillbirths and infant death are the biggest hurt known to mankind ... along the way you learn that things don't always work out the way you want. Adoption, though it seems so easy, may not work ... heck, having a baby (every woman should be able to do this) is not possible for you, why should you expect that fertility treatments or the adoption process will treat you with any more success?

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  4. So although it is very well meaning from your intent (and so many others that have indeed encouraged with such words!), the infertile doesn't feel heard and they feel even more expectation for them to buck up cuz one way or the other "they'll have a family" ... when they are actually feeling abandoned, not supported in their fear that there's a chance that it may not actually happen.

    Thank you for going out on a limb and sharing a comment you have said to me in the past ... I hope it was ok to respond with a little bit of infertile perspective, as my post totally dropped the ball in that area.

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  5. Thanks Daisy ... though I don't remember you saying this, the reason (in case you're curious) why infertiles don't like hearing this comment (I realized after the fact that I didn't really explain why these comments aren't the best support words to hear when you're struggling with fertility - Lord knows I've heard enough women share with me their pain about hearing all of the comments I listed in my post) - though I truly believe that when (if!!;-)) you said it to me, you meant it in the exact vein that you're communicating here - and I completely hear that you're trusting in God, perhaps at a time when I [the example infertile in this scenario] isn't or can't - you meant it in an encouraging "I have faith that good things will come for you" sort of a way and that is very sweet) however, an infertile hears that you're dismissing their concern about not being able to have a family, (the message heard is: it'll happen one day, so get your mind off it already - would you?) invalidating their fear and also ultimately encouraging denial about what situation that infertile might find themselves in - that they can never had children - their own or otherwise.

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  6. I have a friend who had a loss and I never know what to say to her. Her daughter, who was in my Sunday School class, was killed in a car accident a couple of years ago. I think the hard part is that I was closer to the daughter than the mom, so I don't know the mom all that well.
    A little while ago, we were sitting next to each other at church. I knew she was sad because it was right around the anniversary of the accident. And I really had no idea of what to say.

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  7. Big hugs...enuf said.

    U're not alone...

    Tho' I may not know you, but I understand and feel your pain..Holding ur hand and not letting it go.

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  8. Thank you for this post. I wish I could subtly forward it to all of my friends IRL so they would know how I have felt sometimes. Like you said, they are not trying to purposely be insensitive, but with IF comes a lot of pain and probably hypersensitivity on my part to comments. I am impatiently awaiting your turn to have a sticky BFP, to enjoy a pregnancy, and to have a LO. We may need IVF to make it happen, but it WILL happen!

    BTW, I'm sure your hair looks great! It's a flattering cut for most people and definitely easy to manage. I may have had a rare good hair day when we took that Christmas picture, because it's usually flat and in a half-ponytail :)

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  9. I was reading all your previous entries since 2007 and I cried..cuz I feel that I'm not alone in this..

    I hope you don't mind but I've put your blog on mine..

    In the meantime, stay strong and keep writing such meaningful entries..

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  10. bigkat: It's great that you remember the anniversary of the loss of this woman's daughter - just that fact alone means a lot to someone who's gone through loss. If you have the courage, I'd encourage you to to say something like, "it was around this time a couple of years ago ... it must be so hard for you, my heart still breaks at the thought of your loss" and give her a hug. Big hugs to you for your sweet heart that remembers.

    pamela.ilovemcdreamy: I'm glad we've found each other. Thank you for your encouragement and support. I loved that you put my blog on yours, I'll do the same! (so I can find you quickly too!)

    Amy: SO looking forward to being cycle buddies together! I'll try and get a pic up of the new do, cuz I look very different than my blog homepage pic!

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