Content by myself on Valentine's Day

I just wanted to share how wonderful Valentine's Day can be when your DH (Darling Husband) isn't around. I'm usually the type that's like PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!, and I'm a stickler for forcing a wonderful (albeit a bit contrived) Valentine's Day celebration ... but this year, we're still reeling.

My DH's Valentine's Day card to me said "this has been a hard year for us, without much to celebrate" ... and ... "we need to hold onto each other even tighter" ... and it's so true. In the past it was so hard for me to go through holidays: Christmas, anniversaries, birthdays, etc ... without thinking about what I DON'T have. But with this Valentine's Day my disposition is a little better and a little brighter. As you know, I've really been trying to 'get back to me' before we jump on this baby bandwagon again and the little efforts I've made so far - are already actually helping. I was able to participate in clinging to my husband through this struggle a bit, rather than clawing at my need to be pregnant.

My DH had to be in school on Valentine's evening, so I was home alone. (In months and years past I would have said I was "left" home. But this year ... I "got to be" home alone.) And it was wonderful! I spent the day celebrating the beautiful weather and an overall celebration of love - not just the romantic kind. I really appreciated all the friends and people that are in my everyday life (hey, maybe I was just grateful I wasn't sick anymore!) ... but it did help that DH sent roses to my office - I always enjoy flowers. So that night on my way home I picked up some yummy Thai take out, made a plate of yummy Thai goodness for myself and wrapped up a plate all cute in the fridge for the hubby for later. I enjoyed dinner not by myself but with my good friend Oprah Winfrey and her Valentine's Day special. I had a 1 hour phone date & prayer time with a good girlfriend of mine and we just ooozed about all the great things God is doing our lives, (and I was being honest!) and I finished the evening off with a warm bath coupled with a good book. When DH finally came home (near 9pm!) he was able to heat up his dinner and sit beside the tub eating and we connected by sharing about our days while I finished in my water-logging efforts.

It was luxurious.

I call it the female version of Valentine's Day. The male version of Valentine's Day (and I think you can guess what that might be *wink*, *wink*) waited for another night ...

I was surprised at how wonderful the evening was and how connected I felt to my husband despite the fact that we didn't engage in traditional Valentine's Day activities! It was just wondeful to actually ENJOY a holiday ... it's been so long.

Out sick

I so wanted to wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day, but I've been so sick and busy. "Happy belated Valentine's Day" (just doesn't carry the same weight now, does it?)

Well Berilac and I were "out sick" for almost two weeks with the flu since Feb 5th. I was out of work for 7 days (including the first two days where I took care of him - then promptly ended up catching it!) and he was only out for a few days. And I'm the one who got the flu shot this year ... not him! They gave him anti-biotics on the front end and never gave me any :-( Mine went from being viral to becoming bacterial - yuck! But I'm seriously on the mend now and grateful to be.

Now that I'm back in action here are some future posts I'm sure you'll all be glad to read soon:

• Content by myself on Valentine's Day
• Doing home improvement on a house you don't live in
• Attending a real-life infertility support group (so cool)
• Starting an infertiltiy support group at my church
• Walking for boobs and money
• The HUNT 2008 - FREE Community wide Easter egg hunt
• Locomoting across the countryside to celebrate my mom's 21st birthday! (ok, she's older than that)
• Arnold's state park shut-downs don't coincide with my back-packing plans
• Memorial Day weekend sounds perfect for a little B&B'ing
• Two deaths at work
• New fertility treatment news and plans

More to come in the days ahead (I don't want to write about all of it all and once and scare you off - babysteps people! I'm thinking I should just give you the headlines so that you'll "stay tuned" ... like you would with the evening news.)

So ... stay tuned.

How are you doing?

Thank you everyone who is checking in on me to see how I am doing.

Honestly, I'm doing ok - really I'm doing better than I thought I would be.

I would love to talk about my feelings on the whole matter - and share the sadness in my heart, but what has been more overwhelming for me has been the anxiety that goes along with this journey:

• anxiety from losing the most recent pregnancy
• anxiety from losing multiple pregnancies
• fear of never being able to have children
• anxiety about future pregnancies and experiencing trauma like we experienced with past losses (complications - hemorraging, emergency procedures, extended sickness following miscarriage procedure)
• fear that my husband will leave me because: 1. I can't bear children (he says this will never happen, but it doesn't mean that it disappears easily from my list of concerns) 2. I might scare him away with my inability to cope with all of this (now that one is a little more risky of being true! not really.)
• fear that I will never be 'normal' again (how many IRL friends do you have that are in our shoes? I'm guessing none ... makes me feel like the freak that I am)
• fear that I might have to grieve my hopes and dreams
• fear of what my life will look like if it doesn't look the way I had imagined it to when I was a little girl
• fear that God thinks we can handle more

So for now I am working on those issues ... trying to get past the shell of anxiety in order to get to the root, which is the sadness.

As I've mentioned I'm taking steps towards that end. I went to my first infertility support group and can I just say ... women who endure infertility and loss ... are amazing women. Let me take a rabbit trail here and say thank you to all my infertile friends/readers who have endured so much. I don't even know you but I find myself so concerned about your life and I so want to support you and love you from a distance - I have so much compassion and honest to goodness love for you. I LOVE to see women who've been in the infertility trenches getting pregnant and getting past their previous loss milestones - it makes me feel good to know these women and to see the joy that they've longed for, for so long ... be fulfilled. I feel honored to be apart of their lives (Cara, Fortune Cookie, Mandy, Amy, Joy, Bethany, Ango, Megan, Melissa, Yvonne, Jen, Moon, Lara, Jeny, Daniela, Donna, Tina, Laura, Jenee ... really all the ladies on my blog roll ... and so many others) ... group hug? Really, I am just honored and wish I knew you all in person. (but then there'd be an inordinant number of infertiles in the SF Bay Area and really it's only 1 in 6 couples that deal with this ... so you gotta spread us out - make sure others don't have to make up for the fact that you wouldn't be representing in your own home town.)

Ok, so back to me.

I am just trying to get over the hurdle of anxiety. I so truly believe the scripture "Be anxious about nothing..." but yet I don't practice it. I'm remineded of Peter when he walked on water, but only b/c he kept his eyes on Christ. I want to be that woman. And I will be.

I must have some serious early childhood issues around anxiety (thanks mom and dad - yes, you know who you are) and so I'll address those issues and of course the compounded grief and loss and I'll give myself grace to flounder in anxiety a bit while God works on healing my heart in the process.

I've been going to the infertility support group and I've started counseling again. Berilac and I will resume couples counseling - we love counseling (and we recommend all marriages start out there - rather than end up there!) I've been doing my daily yoga (which actually HELPS stress ... who knew? those Eastern medicine folk really do know what they are talking about. I was only starting it b/c I was grasping at straws trying to find physical things I could do to help my anxiety and looky there ... it's working!)

So I've been doing all these things and I will let you know when we've made some more progress, when I'm able to share a little bit more of my heart and get past hiding behind my anxiety. We have some ideas for future cycles and our future hope for baby ... and as the healing continues, my heart will be more open to becoming more vulnerable in recognizing and sharing renewed hope.

Oh and lastly, happy belated Groundhog Day! ;-)

From fertility to infertility ...

The other day a very dear friend of mine asked me if we were considering adoption, she honestly didn't understand why we're continuing to bang out heads against the wall. So I told her ...

"we aren't there yet, there's a lot of steps between here and adoption ... the only thing is we have to face many losses while going down this path ... so really for us it's about endurance to see if we make it all the way down the path"

... and that got me thinking ... I'm going to put together "the stages of infertility" so my friends understand what it's like to be looking down this path ... in hopes that they can understand just a wee bit more about me and the life that I've found myself in.

SLIPPERY SLOPE FROM FERTILITY TO INFERTILITY
it's longer than you think ...

1. Avoiding pregnancy - like the plague
Personal mantra: “If I get pregnant now, I’m going to cut off my husband’s doo-da-whack-er; I’ve got a career and a life you know.”

Practices: Religiously take birth control pills for YEARS, read the instructions from time to time in case you miss a pill or two, follow their directions with delicate caution.


2. Not avoiding, not trying

Personal mantra: “Ooooh, oooh, ooh! Let’s make a BABY!”

Practices: You find yourself reaching over to touch your husband’s leg when you’re out with friends, you’re more amorous, you want to cuddle and just be close. You’re just enjoying the bliss of trying to conceive.

3. Trying

Personal mantra: “I can’t believe we’re actually starting to build a family, this is so exciting. Yesterday I was scared that maybe we’re not ready, but today I can’t wait!”

Practices: Have intercourse around cycle day 14 because that's when "most" women are fertile. Try different "positions" and/or elevate the hips after love making. (Where appropriate: tubal ligation and vasectomy reversals). Along with purchasing your first few pregnancy tests, you find yourself buying books pregnancy and diet while trying to conceive … and because you have a “good” feeling about all this, you throw in a book listing ideas for baby names, including ethnic origins and name meanings.


4. Ovulation Detection - Basic

Personal Mantra: “How fun, I get a new toy! So I guess I might not ovulate on cycle day 14? Now THIS will really clarify the issue of ‘when the heck am I ovulating?’”

Practices: Instead of peeing on a pregnancy test each month, you're peeing on an ovulation predictor stick for consecutive days in a row to see when the time is "magic".


5. Ovulation Detection - Advanced

Personal Mantra: “I had no idea my body worked this way. No wonder we haven’t been able to get pregnant. Why don’t they teach us this stuff when we’re in fifth grade?”

Practices: Read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" from cover to cover multiple times. Learn all about charting. Enlist the help of: BBT/CM/CP, OPK/fertility monitor, and/or fern microscoping. Buy thermometer and subscription to FF to chart. Learn what your cervix is and how to check it with your own fingers without getting grossed out.


6. Natural Fertility Remedies

Personal Mantra: “It’s all starting to make sense and there are many elements to trying to conceive, perhaps my body or hubby’s body just needs just a little bit of assistance.”

Practices: Start to avoid alcohol in the two week wait, avoid caffeine as well. Eat carrots, drink grapefruit juice, or insert egg whites to increase CM. Eat pineapple for implantation. Initiate Endo diet if suspecting Endometriosis. Insist hubby start wearing boxers (or no shorts at all). Allow hubby to sleep naked to help his count. Gently explain to hubby why he can't go in the hot tub any more.


7. Add in more supplements

Personal Mantra: “We’re really not doing all we can to make this baby thing a reality, let’s take it up a notch. There’s nothing really wrong with us, but perhaps we’re not getting a good diet and giving ourselves every chance possible.”

Practices: Decide that alcohol may not be good at any time of your cycle. Find a "better" prenatal, add extra folic acid, start taking omega 3's (6-9's), and/or EPO. Consider Preseed, taking Robitussin, or taking Mucinex to increase CM. Consider Vitex/False Unicorn Root/Raspberry Leaf/B6 to enhance endometrial lining. Consider Fertilaid, FertilTea, or Fertility Blend for overall better fertility.


8. Natural remedies that lean toward technological solutions

Personal Mantra: “I don’t think we really need help yet, besides it’s so expensive and I’m not sure insurance would cover anything. There are some pretty good do-it-yourself options out there. This is just the help we need to become successfully pregnant”

Practices: Stock up on yams or soy products as they mimic Clomid. Purchase Instead Cups to act like a natural IUI. Consider using syringes to act like a natural IUI. Start daily baby aspirin (because maybe you have an undiagnosed clotting issue?) Consider a natural Progesterone cream to extend the luteal phase. Take an at home fertility kit test.


9. Work towards recovering from any miscarriages, stillbirths or infant losses previously experienced.

Personal Mantra: “Miscarriages are common. This is painful, but it happens to a lot of women.”

Practices: Start paying more attention to every detail of your life. Perhaps your shampoo is poisoning your body (and thus any babies you might grow) … increase your vigilance, ALWAYS aking the “right” decision.


10. Educate yourself for the rest of the journey

Personal Mantra: “Ok, this is getting ridiculous, we need some help … now what the heck are those infertility experienced women and doctors talking about?”

Practices: Become your own research assistant and learn to read medical journals, *hoping* to find some new direction or treatment to try. Learn all the acronyms and words nobody else ever wants to know: IUI, IVF, GIFT, ZIFT, FET, HSG, HcG, P4, ANA, MTHFR, PCOS, DOR, POF, FSH, E2, ER, ET, stim, SA, MFI, EP, M/C, PIO, AMA, etc. ... but be careful not to over-learn these acronyms to the point where in real life you start calling your husband "DH" to his face or find yourself telling someone that you're "TTC'ing" - people will start to realize how crazy you really are.


11. Medical intervention I

Personal Mantra: “Ok, it’s time to ask for a little help. These people are professionals, this is what they DO for a living – making people successfully pregnant – we’ll be pregnant before summertime; hmmm… maybe we shouldn’t schedule that big hiking trip, because I’ll be 4 months pregnant by then.”

Practices: Start seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Test those sperm! Make sure husband is taking any needed supplements for sperm issues. Start taking Clomid/Femera Start Metformin as needed. Get ovulation assistance with triggering. Do your first IUI. Start Progesterone suppositories in your luteal phase to provide a little hormonal support. Combine pills, triggering, IUI's and Progesterone for a catch-all solution. Possible thin lining? Start Estrace. Endure the emotional outbreaks and straight up abuse you cause your husband while Clomid is stealing whatever splinter of sanity you have left. Consider going back to a previous step in this slippery slope, in the hopes that something less invasive might actually work.


12. Medical intervention II

Personal Mantra: “That RE sucked we need a fresh start with someone who knows what they’re doing. If we can start cycling in October then I might get to announce my pregnancy at Christmas – I’ve always dreamed of that!”

Practices: Consider seeing a "new" RE who's more cooperative. Run a boat load of blood tests and subject yourself to a painful HSG procedure to make sure your tubes are all clear. Endometrial biopsy as needed. Correct Varicoceles as needed. Learn how to become your own lab tech in order to administer self-injections. Start medications for any issues found during blood tests. Inject yourself with gonadatrophins. Learn how to pronounce gonadatrophins. Attempt: injectibles with well timed intercourse, injectibles with IUI, injectibles with back-to-back IUI's. Conduct a lap as needed. If Endo, receive Lupron medication to induce menopause for 6 months+ in the hopes of reducing endo lesions. Side effects include: hot flashes, night sweats, major mood swings, bone loss and yes, the Endo will return. Consider going back to a previous step in this slippery slope, in the hopes that something less invasive might actually work.


13. Work towards recovering from any miscarriages, stillbirths or infant losses previously experienced.

Personal Mantra: “The doctor says that my two losses have to be a flukes. Although we’ve found some problems, I’ve been on medications for all my issues. The next pregnancy … that will be the healthy one.”

Practices: Avoid getting in the direct line of microwaves. Remove yourself immediately when around smokers. Check to see if you have Mercury in your fillings. Start losing or gaining weight as needed. Increase your diligence and vigilance about your diet – clearly you’re doing something to cause the death of these babies.


14. Consider non-traditional medicine/practices more seriously

Personal Mantra: “This whole process is causing my personal demise. My marriage is suffering, my mental state is suffering, I want a baby but at what expense?”

Practices: yoga, acupuncture, herbs, fertility retreats, fertility support groups, counseling, intensive therapy weekends, begin anti-anxiety and/or anti-depression meds. Deal with feeling very angry towards God. Learn to cope with buying infertility books instead of pregnancy books. If dealing with Endo: Live with the fact that you will always have endo and it may get progressively worse--Stage I(mild)-Stage IV(severe). Learn to deal with the pain.


15. Medical intervention III

Personal Mantra: “I am ready for the big guns. There is no going back now. I’m excited that we’re doing something that has such a great chance for success but I’m scared out of my mind that if this doesn’t work - my world and all I thought my life would be … will come crashing down. Is it possible to be this excited and this scared at the same time?”

Practices: Consider seeing another "new," RE who has a higher SART rating. IVF. GIFT. ZIFT. Hopefully some FET's. Multiple IVF's. Conduct ovarian drilling as needed. Consider going back to a previous step in this slippery slope, in the hopes that something less invasive might actually work.


16. Change perspective on how you will build your family I

Personal Mantra: “I can’t believe we’re here. Nobody ever told you that having a family would be this difficult. Everyone else can do it, why can’t we? What’s wrong with us? This will help us by taking one less variable out of the equation - this has to work.”

Practices: Consider sperm donation, consider egg donation. Consider going back to a previous step in this slippery slope, in the hopes that something less invasive might actually work.


17. Change perspective on how you will build your family II

Personal Mantra: “We will have a baby, damnit.”

Practices: Consider embryo adoption, consider surrogacy. Consider going back to a previous step in this slippery slope, in the hopes that something less invasive might actually work.


18. Work towards recovering from any miscarriages, stillbirths or infant losses previously experienced.

Personal Mantra: “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”

Practices: Resume drinking, smoking, hot-tubing, etc. Do whatever you want because clearly if everyone else can do these things and keep their babies – then it’s not about what you’re doing or not doing”


19. Change perspective on how you will build your family III

Personal Mantra: “We will be great parents and we can’t have our own children. There are so many children out there that need a home; let’s pray that we don’t get rejected.”

Practices: Consider domestic and/or international adoption, fostering and/or fost-adopt. Do loads of paperwork. Expose yourself to someone who will decide if you are healthy enough to be parents (you’re already feeling pretty insecure on this point). Put your name in a pool and pray that your miracle comes sooner rather than later.


20. Change perspective on how you will build your family IV

Personal Mantra: “If the Lord won’t provide me with a child, I have ways of working around that.”

Practices: Consider stealing other people's children. Ok, so I'm totally kidding, I just wanted to see if you actually read this (please don't show this to your fertile friends - they will certainly be frightened of me! [and perhaps frightened of you! as I would be! ha!])

Ok, the real step twenty ...

20. Letting go

Personal Mantra: “Maybe we can survive without children.”

Practices: child-free living.




If you look close enough at the journey, you can see how it parallels the four stages of grief (as proposed by Kübler-Ross) are easily mirrored:

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.” Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened.”

Though sadly, these aren't the hard and fast ways we walk through grief (and this process), grief can be more of a continuum where we find ourselves depressed one day and bargaining the next. The process is overarching if you look at it from beginning to end (step 1 to step 20) but it also is at the micro level, we process through grief with each failed step and we have a hard time completely letting go.

This slippery-slope is not for the faint of heart.

Personally, I'm at step 14. And I can say that at step 14 I'm still hoping and praying that I don't have to endure steps 16-20, I'm not at the point of accepting those steps yet. Would you be? If you have children, can you imagine not having them and having adopted instead? Look at them, right now ... can you live without them? Some people are called to adoption ... maybe someday I will be; but today, I'm not.

(A big thank you to: annieb11, E (aka Dreamer_2007), Shelley, Jenee, Anna, Lara, Cheryl, Ayameow, Amelia, Jess, Jill, Lori, Kellee, Cathy, missg1, pupluv, & Jen for your review and affirmation of this and definitely for your contributions - I hope I made you proud.)

Pregnancy 4 = Miscarriage 4

It's official.

Today I need to go to the doctor to get a shot b/c I have a negative blood type and Berilac has a positive blood type so there's a 50/50 chance that the babies blood type will be positive. If the babies blood type was positive and if/when the babies blood mixes with my blood ... my body will grow antibodies to fight off the baby. These antibodies will stay in my body and fight off future positive blood type babies. Some might think ... "well maybe this is why you keep having miscarriages, b/c you're fighting the babies off?!" but no. I've been tested for antibodies outside of being pregnant and I don't have them ... so thankfully my body is not trying to rid itself of baby in this way - yet.

It's emotionally painful to go through a miscarriage (or your fourth) while trying to do the normal things in life ... taking the train to work, sitting in your bosses office, rushing to and from meetings, making dinner, etc. With each indication that it's happening I just say good-bye again to my baby ... it makes me very sad.

My heart is broken - again.

I wasn't excited/optimistic about this pregnancy about 1.5 weeks before we actually conceived. Given the fact that we watched how the follicle developed - I had my doubts as we witnessed the "strange" growth pattern. There was a part of me that didn't want to proceed with trying this past cycle, but when the doctors were confident enough to continue I just trusted them - I wanted so badly for this to work, I didn't want to have to cancel again. When I asked my doctor about the length of time the follicle took to develop and when I shared concern about the pattern of growth (stalling mid cycle, spurt near the end) and when I was questioning the size of the follicle ... I asked, won't this result in a 'bad quality' egg? Their comforting response ... "it could"

So now we mourn the loss of another baby born to heaven. Good for baby, sad for us.

I'm having quite the emotional ordeal with this miscarriage. One miscarriage and that seems normal, two is bad luck, three is ridiculous, and four is concerning. I've decided this is all getting too much for me. Emotionally I can't handle the anxiety that miscarriage brings. One would think it causes depression (and it does) but moreso the emotional effect miscarriages cause is anxiety (at least that's what my good friend Dr. Internet confirmed for me).

So I'm going to take a break for awhile and regroup - emotionally.

I ordered 'Our Daily Bread' ... my quiet times with the Lord have been ... non-existant. I can't connect with my own emotions nor am I letting my husband or my friends in ... you can only guess how well my relationship with the Lord is going. *Splat.* This past week I attended my first class in a 10w course at a top fertility clinic called 'mind/body overcoming the stress of infertility' ... or something like that. I ordered some fertility meditation CD's ... I'm hoping they will help me in my prayer life; (thank you fortune cookie - I'm finally taking your advice.) I am going to get back into my breathing exercises; (I was part of a study regarding panic attacks and in the study they provided a breathing technique to help your body's physioligical response to anxiety ... my body really doesn't handle stress well ... I need to re-learn [and continue to practice] how to breathe 'correctly'- pathetic, but fine with me). I ordered a fertility yoga DVD. I'm going to plan some serious spa outtings. I'm going to enjoy baths, hottubs, and a drink once in awhile again. I'm going to "be present" when spending time with hubby and friends. I'm going to take a step back and just notice life again. I start counseling next week.

I need to reprioritize. My quality of life has been rotten. I'm going to spend some time on my emotional health and my marriage. I'm going to spend some time working on me, and us, praying and just continuing to wait for the family that we so desire.

HCG test results for pregnancy number four

*** The results***

hcg:
13dpo - 63
15dpo - 80
18dpo - 34 (...this value shouldn't be dropping)

*** The email from my doctor***

Dear Polly,

I am sorry to say but the HCG level is now declining, another biochemical pregnancy :<

Please call to come in. We should discuss what else we can do and we should give you another Rhogam shot.

Regards,
The doctor

*** My thoughts ***

... here comes number 4.

quickly approaching 4

Sorry it's so blurry, my camera is old and it's lousy.

I've been hiding the results from all of you, just b/c I feel like I'm the girl who cried wolf and I hate being her.


I wanted to wait until after I had blood levels done to provide us some more insight on whether or not this one was going to make it. So that I could announce "we have hope" or "there's little hope" ... unfortunately, there's little hope.

I waited until Wednesday morning to test for a pregnancy, I was 13dpo. (for the layman, I would have been expecting my period the next day) ... and as you can kind of see, the home pregnancy test came back positive.

On wednesday I went in for an hcg blood level (a measurement for how far along a baby is when it's too early to do an ultrasound) and the level came back at 63 ... a very median response - which was good, we were hopeful.

Yesterday, 48 hours after taking the first hcg, the doctors took a second hcg ... to show a viable (or more likely viable) pregnancy the value should have been >125 ... well, mine was 80.

My RE is going to have us retest on Monday (18dpo) in hopes that there's still a chance. But ladies and gentlemen, I'm no fool. I've been here before. Things are not looking good ... again.

And to pour salt on the wound ... this "slow rise" (that's what it's called) could be a symptom of an ectopic pregnancy. Great, just what I need. So we are watching out for any pain and/or fainting ... doesn't help that my main pregnancy symptom with this pregnancy is dizziness.

So, there's a 15% chance that this could be a healthy pregnancy, but given my track record - I'm not holding my breathe. If this were my first pregnancy - I might be more inclined to have hope. Now I'm just trying to get through the day.

If/when this miscarriage happens ... I'm not sure that I'll be able to blog or do my fertility message board stuff much ... I'm thinking I need a break from all of this. You can't even imagine the amount of anxiety that I got when I saw that second line, and in the days since it's only escalated ... I can hardly stand this amount of pain/loss/fear.

... this is one rough battle and it's becoming more than I can handle.