I just want to say that God is good.
Since our learning of this high FSH issue, we have had good days and bad days. Sometimes I'm totally optimistic and other times I feel like I'm grieving a hugh loss and find myself just crying.
Most of the time I feel hopeful, which I think is an answer to prayer. I'm what you'd call ... negative, so to be positive is a gift from God.
Also, I really feel like a weight has been lifted. If you know me, you know that in March and April (directly following our most recent miscarriage) I went through a seriously trying sickness ... it was so stressful being so sick for so long, doing more and more invasive tests as each result didn't point to anything specifically wrong with me ... each time the Dr saw a normal result, but my symtoms persisted, they'd test for soemthing even "scarier" ... If you've ever dealt with the stress of health uncertainty, you know how stressful and scary it can be. And having unaccounted for miscarriages (also known in the medical world as "flukes") brings it's own uncertainty and stress (cuz something HAS to be wrong!) So to now have at least a direction to head, an enemy to face ... a problem to overcome - that contributes to my feelings of hope.
We went to church on Sunday and can I tell you ... church is a wonderful place (I still haven't mentioned how much I LOVE my new church, that will be it's own blog soon I'm sure). When I go to my church ... the minute I walk onto the campus I feel vulnerable and like God is GOING to use people and His message to change my life (and He does). So this past Sunday was the first Sunday I'd gone to church knowing about our high FSH levels and our new concern about potentially not being able to have children. I tried to avoid telling the world my sob story, but I just couldn't help it.
The first person to greet us in the parking lot was one of the pastors. I can't "put on a shiny face" so when people ask me "How's it goin?" .. I must tell them. (I don't know why I'm like this, it's part of my charm ... don't ask.) So we told him we'd failed a fertility test and that things are looking like we're going to have to get aggressive with conception and that there's an increased chance that having kids might not be an option for us and he was compassionate, and heartbroken. He encouraged us to seek prayer at the end of the service.
The next pastor asked us how our health issues were and we told him the same thing. Again, he showed so much compassion and concern. He mentioned a few couples he knew of that went through similar things and he encouraged us to talk with them. He also prayed for us.
During the service (during the worship and during the message) I couldn't HELP but sob. Here we were singing about "how great is our God" and though I know it in my heart and in my mind (and I even know it in the midst of this discouraging place) ... my heart is broken over this recent news and it's hard to reconcile God's love with our bad news. The message was again ... piercing, as it spoke of not being a victim of our circumstances, but claiming God's power and being obedient to Him. Berilac submitted a prayer request to our prayer team, his vulnerability touched my heart and helped me to bond with him in this struggle.
After the service ANOTHER pastor approached us and asked us how we were doing. We were able to share with her and she too knew of people (close friends of hers) who'd struggled through similar pain (and have miracles to show for it!) who she would like to have call us. She too prayed for us.
I had many friends pray with me and for me this week. (Thank you so much, those who called and emailed me, thank you!) I learned yesterday that the staff at our church specifically prayed for us on Monday and that was touching. Last night I had two ladies from the church, who I've never met, call me. They want to talk. They want to get together.
Monday I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist where I was diagnosed as having Hashimoto's Disease and ... if you can belive it ... a GOITER!!! (yes, you read that correctly!) I have autoimmune derived hypothyroidism and I'm starting medications. The good news is: it's common and easy to treat. Today I had another Doctor's appointment this time with an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist ... as I've had a swollen lymph gland (for 3 MONTHS!!!) and my GP referred me in case it was something serious ... but the Doctor checked me out, shook my hand, and sent me on my way with a "you're as healthy as a rock!" (what does that mean? anyone?) So I leapt for joy and praised my God! Thank you Lord for a respite in that regard, at least.
I will tell you: I feel loved today by God and by His people. I feel hopeful today because of a good bill of health so that we can focus on what I'm sure will be overwhelming fertility efforts. I feel confident that God isn't caught up in our FSH levels, He's brought baby miracles to others who have much higher FSH levels than I do.
He's using this time to teach us and mold us ... let's see what He's unfolding in my life. For now though, I just want to praise Him for giving us encouragement from others, giving us some peace in other health areas, and for giving us a sense of peace and hope in the baby department.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement in my life, I'm grateful to be sharing this journey with you (goiter and all).