What's next?

So last cycle was a bummer. Clearly.

But we are rebounding and looking forward to our future attempts at babymaking. I went into the RE today as I am in the beginning of my next cycle. It turns out I have cysts on my ovaries (never had those before ... that I know of). It is very common for women who have gone through a medicated cycle and who have developed many follicles (eggs) to find themselves with cysts. It's even more common for this to happen to women who cancelled their cycle (as usually those women don't ovulate the developed follies/eggs and they just stick around). For us we cancelled, but we triggered and thus ovulated our many eggs ... so we were less likely to find cysts. However, we found two small cysts (13mm & 18mm)

The RE is putting me on birth control pills for ten days to restrict the estrogen the cysts need to maintain their size. (The irony huh? To a woman in my shoes - birth control is the enemy!) So we go back in on 12/10 for a follow up. It is around that time that we start again on a medicated cycle.

Boy oh boy would Berilac and I love to celebrate our Savior's birth with a conception party of our own!

So, I will take the mean, bad, evil pills and keep you updated.

"Anyone" can become a parent

It's stories like these that make me sad ... sure, I've never had to deal with a screaming 2 year old, but I know I would never beat and kill one.

However, these people did.

I'm thinking the mom didn't try for years going through heartbreak after heartbreak to have this baby. And look what she does with her blessing? How sad. How incredibly sad.

***

Mother reportedly tells police she, stepfather beat 2-year-old to death

updated 6:08 p.m. PT, Mon., Nov. 26, 2007

GALVESTON, Texas - A woman believed to be the mother of a 2-year-old whose body was found in Galveston Bay told police she and the girl’s stepfather beat and tortured the child to death, court documents show.

The details, in a statement Kimberly Dawn Trenor gave to police, paint a chilling picture of the last days of the girl investigators called “Baby Grace” as they worked for weeks to learn her identity.

Investigators are awaiting DNA test results but said Monday they are “fairly confident” that the body a fisherman found in a plastic box Oct. 29 is that of Riley Ann Sawyers. Trenor, 19, and her husband, Royce Clyde Zeigler II, were in custody on charges of hurting the girl.

“It was a few weeks ago I held up this little shoe and asked, ’Who is Baby Grace? Who does this belong to?”’ sheriff’s Maj. Ray Tuttoilmondo said at a news conference. “We’re now fairly confident we know the answer to that.”

An autopsy revealed three skull fractures, but the cause of death has not been determined.
Tuttoilmondo said he could not discuss details of the little girl’s death, but Trenor said in her police statement, first reported by Houston television station KTRK, that she and Zeigler, 24, killed her July 24.

The girl was beaten with leather belts, had her head held underwater in a bathtub and then was thrown across a room, her head slamming into a tile floor, Trenor said in the document. She said they kept the body in a storage shed for one to two months before they put it in a plastic bin and dumped it into Galveston Bay.

Trenor’s attorney, Tom Stickler, said she has cooperated with authorities. He declined to comment about her statement to investigators.

'No doubt' on ID

“But from what she said, there is no doubt that the girl found is Riley Sawyers,” Stickler said.

Trenor and Zeigler were arrested early Saturday and charged with injury to a child and tampering with evidence, Tuttoilmondo said. Bail was set at $350,000 each. The couple’s next court appearance was expected to be scheduled on Tuesday.

Wendell Odom, Zeigler’s attorney, declined to comment on the case except to say Zeigler grew up in Spring, about 75 miles north of Galveston, and works as an instrument technician in the oil industry.

Trenor and Zeigler met a couple of years ago playing an online game, World of Warcraft, and she moved with her daughter from suburban Cleveland to Spring in June, Stickler said.

Riley’s paternal grandmother, Sheryl Sawyers, hadn’t seen her granddaughter in months when she saw a police sketch of “Baby Grace.” Thinking it might be Riley, she called authorities in Texas.

'Resting peacefully'

In Mentor, Ohio, on Monday, Sawyers wiped away tears at a news conference and held up the Elmo doll she had already bought Riley for Christmas.
“It’s hard to think that I’ll never see her again,” she said.

The Sawyers family’s attorney, Laura DePledge, said they take comfort in knowing that the girl is “resting peacefully and is no longer subject to abuse.”

DePledge said Trenor and Sawyers’ son, Robert Sawyers, also of Mentor, had been high school sweethearts. Sheryl Sawyers said she has not seen Riley since the girl and Trenor moved to Texas.

Robert Sawyers, who works in an auto-parts store, was never married to Trenor but lived with her and their daughter in his parents’ home for about two years. He and Trenor split up after March 31, when he was charged with domestic violence against her.

DePledge said there was insufficient evidence to support the charge, which was reduced to disorderly conduct. Robert Sawyers is now married and has a 3-month-old son.
Riley “had a very big imagination for such a little girl,” he said of his daughter. “She could play with anything and have fun with it.”

Tuttoilmondo said Trenor had told relatives that someone claiming to be a social worker from Ohio took the girl in July.

Tuttoilmondo said investigators became emotionally involved in determining the little girl’s identity.

“Any way you look at it, we carry a piece of her with us and will always carry a little piece of her with us,” he said. “She’s still our little girl.”

When you don't know what to say - for the love of God just SHUT UP!

Don't you hate when you say something and as soon as it comes out of your mouth you're thinking "why God? why did I say that?" and then you walk away from the conversation kicking yourself and you spend the next day, week, month, year (yes, it's been bad enough it's lastest more than a year) verbally abusing yourself!

So last night Berilac and I were SO EXCITEd to finally find a matching sleeper love seat to our already acquired Ikea couch ... we had been looking on Craigslist for a couple of months. Sunday afternoon I found a new post offering the love seat and we jumped at the chance. We headed out that night to check out the couch and make a down payment on it for a future pick up (we pick it up tomorrow night).

So as we walk up this very nice woman in her late twenties/early thirties greets us and is somewhat quiet and reserved.

Here's how the conversation goes: (and no, I'm not kidding)

Her: So, would you guys like to buy it?
Me: Everything looks good. Now I know in my email I mentioned that we'd pay the entire amount and pick it up on Tuesday, but honestly we don't know you and we'd hate to pay the entire amount without having anything to take home, I was thinking we could pay half? (no, this is not where I was kicking myself - I'm just this direct with my thoughts)
Her: Yeah, that's fine.
Me: Ok, so here's $20, $40, ...
Her: So can you hold on while I go get my counterfeit marker - cuz I don't know you guys at all. *wink*
Me: ha, ha, that's so funny. No, seriously, you never know ... did you hear about what happened to one lady doing a Craigslist transaction?
Her: No, what?
Me: This lady went to go pick up her item - as most Craig'slisters do
Her: Uh-huh
Me: and the lady got shot and killed by a teenager b/c the teenager thought it would be funny to kill someone.
Her:
Me: ... Can you believe that? Crazy, huh? (it was at this point that I had realized the woman felt fearful for her life and I was the threat [no matter how unintimidating I seem] and I was trying to lasso back in the words I had already let escape)

When we were done w/our ever so stimulating conversation she HIGH TAILED it outta there. (big surprise) DH and I got back into the car and he was like "that was a great story honey" *huge smirk turning into a laugh growing over his face*

... but the worst part is that she has to see us again tomorrow night and we'll be driving a big, creepy van to carry the couch home in ... poor lady.

Because I'm horrible at tact, I was actually contemplating bringing it up again when I see her (to rectify the situation!!) but Berilac was like "I think you've done enough"

... he's not even letting me go back to her house.

Note to self: Not every comment needs a "witty" rebuttal.

Six babies to spare! Anybody want one?

Yesterday I went into the RE and they did a scan to count how many eggs we were going to release and we counted three for sure and perhaps as many as five. Three eggs we could be ok with, five eggs is one more than we'd feel comfortable with. Our specialist said "medically speaking you definitely have 3 and you could have 5" We asked what's the probability of the other two eggs catching up by the time I ovulate? Their scientific response: "it could happen".

So there we were left with little concrete info to make a decision, though we *knew* what our decision was going to be ... we induced ovulation yesterday morning in an attempt to force ovulation before all the follicles grew to a size large enough to ovulate and we scheduled a follow up ultrasound for today to in fact SEE if the two under-achievers caught up, giving us the potential five follicles.

We went in today for a scan and found SEVEN follicles of mature size ... SEVEN!! (evidentially, my ovaries - are machines!) So we could have a few babies to divy up and give away come 9 months from now ... anybody want one?

Ok, so I'm lying.

As you know, Berilac and I aren't willing to consider selective reduction, so, like good, responsible adults, (and unlike the desparate infertiles we feel like) we are cancelling this cycle and we will have no babies come late July/early Aug.

Up and down, back and forth ... man, this rollercoaster is making me nauseous.

The saga continues ...

So I had another ultrasound today to see the progress and we learned good news (overall) and bad news (for this cycle). If you remember, from the last ultrasound it was clear that we'd get 2,3, or 6 eggs this cycle and during that appointment my RE was thinking it would be 2 or maybe 3 ...

During our ultrasound today we found SIX follies all of similar sizes!! The big ones slowed down and the little ones sped up! Because we are not willing to do selective reduction (aborting extra babies in the womb) our RE does not feel comfortable going through with this cycle with this many eggs (as six eggs puts us at a high chance for high-order multiples).

Our current plan: We are going to stop the meds and go in tomorrow morning for another u/s hoping that 1 to 4 of the eggs pulls out in front and we can continue with the cycle. Otherwise, it's a cancelled cycle - and we're out a good bit of money and bummed.

Would you pray that a few of my eggs dominate and that we can continue down the path we've started? Also, pray that we would make the best decision and that we would be content with the outcome - knowing it's in His hands.

Steady progress

So I had another appointment today to follow up with my fertility treatments. And for those of you who want the update here it is:

Today's ultrasound showed 6 eggs developing (yowzers!) the good news is that size-wise two of those eggs are in the lead with a third trailing it (in terms of development) and the last three are all in a tie, bringing up the rear. So the RE thinks that since we are not shooting for six eggs, we will definitely have two eggs and hopefully have three eggs - we are stoked about this response.

We keep checking in with the specialist this week - and we go back in on Wednesday for another check-in. If we get pregnant this cycle we'd be looking at a late July or early August baby - heck, I'm not picky ... a healthy baby is all I'm asking for!

For those in the infertility world, let me share a little detail: today is CD9, lining is at 9mm (yay!) follies were 13.8, 13.4, 11, & (3) @ 10mm. I've been moved from 100iu Follistim to 125iu for the next two days. Projected trigger of Wed or Thurs w/IUI on Fri or Sat! Ok to BD given that we don't anticipate 6 eggs to release.

It's not about me

Isn't that a wonderful concept? It's not about YOU! (how freeing is that?)

I got married six years ago, and the entire time - man, I tell you - I've been struggling with this. Everytime it's meal time or if there's a vacation on the horizon that needs planning or WHATEVER?!! I always need to communicate my needs/preferences about the topic and make sure my needs are met. I can't just keep my trap shut and assume that other people are involved and the world doesn't revolve around me. "Woe is me" ... It's so easy for me to get caught up in life and how everything that happens is centered around my schedule, my preferences, my struggles, my future, my timetable, my needs. When this concept of life revolving around me ... just isn't true.

This whole infertility struggle has got me questioning how well I'm doing in this department. Yes, I know this is a deep and painful struggle, but do I have to suffer so poorly?

This past Friday night, Berilac and I went out on a double date with a mature older couple from our church and during that time they really encouraged us and comforted us in our recent struggles, but an ah-ha moment that came out of it for me was when the wife described a new perspective on how to look at the Bible (and in a more applicable fashion - how you can expand this example to apply to your life) so she said "did you ever think of the Bible as a picture of what God does in the lives of His people (as in, He's working through all of their choices and circumstances) rather than a story about a bunch of different people?" I'd never thought of it that way. If you look at it like that you see much more clearly that it's not about Moses, Abraham, Noah, Isaiah, David, you get the idea ... it's really all about what He's doing in all of their lives - it's all about Him and not really about us ... if you can make that leap - you can also understand that this life is not about YOU.

And these losses ... they are not about us. We didn't do or not do anything to cause them. It hasn't been a twisted form of punishment. There's not something I could have done. God is not withholding blessing from me. It's not about doing enough "good things" to finally earn a child. It's not about doing XYZ in order to deserve a child. And I know that's true because you know what? it's not about me.

First appointment went well!

So I know this will be above most of your heads, but I'll give it a try anyway.

Berilac and I are so excited, the net of it is: I am responding to the meds better than the doctors had hoped!

As I mentioned in a previous post, we are aiming to release 3-4 eggs this cycle in an attempt to find the "golden egg". Our doctor has been candid in communicating to us that we would most likely NOT respond well to the meds and we might not get more than 1 egg this cycle. Imagine our surprise when we did an ultrasound and found that my body is gearing up to release 5-6 eggs this cycle!!! This is wonderful news b/c we got more than 1, this is also great news b/c we can always slow down the meds to not actually release 5-6 eggs (so we're not worried about too many ... just yet!)

The RE was so excited about our response she LOWERED my dosage (rare for someone with my diagnoses!) So now I don't have to give myself as much of a shot each day, just 2/3 of what I was doing. I go back in on Monday morning for a check-in.

Things are looking good. We are just continuing to pray that we trust God in all that He's doing in our family. That we would recognize that this is all about Him and whether it's not becoming pregnant at all this cycle or conceiving septuplets (please Lord, NO!) that we would be obedient to Him and trust that He is in control.

This whole experience is such a rollercoaster - It's so nice to be enjoying the ride ... even if it's just for awhile.

People ... it's November First!

Can you believe it's already November? Where did this year go? Do you ever feel like you're a season behind Hallmark? Last week (before Halloween) I was walking around Tar.get trying to find non-seasonal home decorating items and they were sporting Christmas goods already!!! ... I was just getting used to the idea of Halloween and poof now it's gone.

One thing that I don't like about struggling with infertility is that the days seem to S...L...O...W...D...O...W...N (as you try to patiently wait for the next "opportunity" - be it ovulation or a period). However, conversely the years FLY by (as you realize "it was this time last year that I was __________" [getting ready for a treatment, a few weeks pregnant, ... you fill in the blank])

It is my prayer that I can stay present, in the moment ... able to enjoy the weather, the hubby, the friends, the conversations, the dogs, and yes even the job ... and not get too distracted by something I have no control over anyhow.

Today is November First ... let's see, what would normal people do on November 1st? ... I think I'll put up some fall decorations in preparation for Thanksgiving.