and the Lord hath taken away

The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21

My test results just came back in and they show my HCG level to be 10. The level should be upwards of 1600. I sit here numb. Thinking about the loss, feeling little, unable to really express whatever is going on inside.

Making a baby, starting a family, is supposed to be the most wonderful experience of one's life ... this is not what it's supposed to be like.

How do I cope? Drink, heavily. No, not really. Honestly, I try to distract myself. I try to do the laundry, respond to work emails, go to unnecessary meetings and pretend like I'm paying attention. As I had to go to work today, as I stumbled through this loss (with many trips to the bathroom) surrounded by ... my unaware colleagues ... I spent the day keeping my chin up, just trying to keep it together. There were times during the day that my mind would wander (while doing said above activities) and my eyes started to well up ... then someone would address me in a meeting or walk into my cube and I would snap back into the present and I would will myself not to cry. It was a rough day.

Today, as I found moments of quiet - walking from building to building, waiting for a bus, waiting in the clinic lobby for my blood tests ... I tried to ask God what was going on ... but I didn't get an answer. The only thing that resounded with me was what our pastor said a few Sunday's ago: Suffering comes when our timing does not line up with God's timing

... and so we wait.

In loving memory of our youngest little baby in heaven, gone today 9/17/07 ... Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. Jer 1:5 ... we'll miss you and we look forward to meeting you someday.