So obviously the loss is consuming a lot of my mindshare within the last five days and I just wanted to share a bit about what's going on in this heart and this noggin' of mine.
Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Betrayal. Fear.
Anger: When we learned that we were pregnant (for the third time) I thought ... heck, this has got to be the one, right? I really had a positive perspective ... I wasn't the little nay-sayer that I usually am. I was optimistic ... and not "cautiously" optimistic as most people who've experienced loss learn to be. I was REALLY trusting that God was going to bless us with a wee-one this time. I was confident of it. I started spotting on Sunday night and I was SOOOO proud of myself that I just let go of the concern thinking to myself that many pregnancies go through spotting - it doesn't mean it's over.
Sadness: I was not sad when I first realized I was miscarrying. I used the word numb in a previous post and I think that best describes what I was feeling. It was really ... pretty surreal ... unbelievable. Sadly, I'm having an easier time emotionally getting over this loss than our previous losses ... strange, huh? I really do believe that any loss whether it's 4 weeks or 40 weeks, whether it's your first or your 12th (yes, I've seen girls that have had 11 losses!), whether you already have a living child in your arms or not ... they are ALL painful, unexplainable, unfair, sad losses. For us, the first loss was a COMPLETE surprise - so the only thing that would top that pain would be for a late first trimester loss - you know like after 12 weeks when you think you're in the clear ... or perhaps a stillbirth or infant loss - I can't even IMAGINE that pain ... and I hope and pray to God that I never will have to experience any of those types of losses. Our second loss shocked me as I didn't think I could have a second consecutive loss - truly I started having anxiety attacks because I was starting to realize that this whole childbearing thing might not ever happen for us. But the third loss wasn't quite as shocking ... when you've miscarried 100% of your pregnancies ... it's not so surprising when you miscarry again (in fact, I think I'll be in more shock if/when I actually AM able to make it past 9 weeks ... in the words of one of my favorite bloggers "second trimester - what's that?")
Frustration: I think I'm filled with more questions this time around. With the first two - they were so new, so unexpected. I was told my losses were due to "flukes." Now that I've had tests and diagnoses AND even more so, now that I've been treated for those issues ... it proves even more frustrating that the identified "potential reasons for my earlier losses" when treated ... still allowed me to lose the baby. This is frustrating because it makes me think we're back to the beginning ... really we have no idea why I'm miscarrying.
Betrayal: This is my life-long struggle. I've had pretty major trust issues my entire life and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's a stack of many small reasons, rather than one specific childhood event or something I could point to in the past. But this is the emotion that haunts me the most. I struggle so badly with trusting that God wants the best for me. That He has a good plan for me. That He cares enough to pay attention to my life and my feelings and my desires. I know that He does (in my head) but my heart doesn't comprehend as well as my head does ... it never has.
Fear: Directly on betrayal's heels (in terms of how I struggle in my life) is fear. You wanna meet someone who lives their life in fear? Well, I'm her. I am so weak to the enemy's lies ... his whispers that my plane is going to crash, that my boat is going to sink, that my body is running a muck with horrible cancers, that my body will never be able to produce a healthy baby. I hate fear. I battle fear. Fear is always nearby.
In these days following the loss I'm not really entertaining ideas of what's next ... thinking about IVF next cycle, etc. I'm just trying to marinate in this grief, trying to face it, trying to deal with it and process it with God. Because when this kind of pain gets backed up ... it doesn't look pretty.
Thanks for your continued prayers and calls and emails and PM's and love - I appreciate it and I need it more than I care to admit.
Done, and Yet, Not Done
5 months ago