Let me start by saying that this blog (I think?) is read by many online friends (mostly women who are trying to start/grow families) and by many IRL (in real life) friends ... clearly, I am one of those people who is very open about what is going on in my life. (Know that most infertility type of blogs are shared among the infertile community, not usually shared with friends and family - kind of a sad reflection of our society if you think about it, huh?)
So why am I creating this post? Well, because I get this feeling. I get the feeling that some of my IRL friends may think that I obsess over TTC (trying to conceive). I can't really confirm that as no body has come right out and said it, but ... I have a hunch. (I'm guessing this is one reason why most infertile website's are not shared with RL friends, but kept private for only the infertile community to obsess together on).
So here I am dealing with one of the biggest struggles of my life - will I ever have children? I'm not saying this is the biggest struggle faced by man but for me, it's:
- my biggest struggle
- on my heart, daily
- what God is using in my life to get my attention
The way I see it:
- God is in control (Psalm 32:8)
- His grace is sufficient (2 Cor 12:9)
- The one thing I know is that He has gifted me with being able to go through difficult stuff and to learn from it, and to pass along the compassion and love that I receive to others who face similar struggles. (2 Cor 1:3-5)
Not being able to get pregnant and/or having miscarriages ... these topics are taboo in today's society!! WHY?? When was the last time (ok, besides when you ran into me) did you have a conversation about these topics at a dinner party? It just doesn't happen. And sadly, often these conversations don't happen in families or within close friendships. (Unless of course, you know me and I force you to talk about it ;-)
So here's the deal: I (like SO MANY women you probably know who are quietly suffering!) am struggling with infertility and it just is a daily "obsession" but I am willing to share my grief, my struggles, my frustration, my confusion with my friends and more importantly with those that are dealing with similar problems - in hopes that we can love on each other and support each other ... in the hopes that the Lord will pour His love out of me and into many hurting women.
So I can't pretend like it's not a daily issue (thus it's an obsession) and ... so what if it is? Is that surprising? It really is a pretty big deal. If you find that you have issue with how much this is apart of my life, please give me some grace. In the months to come, if your patience wears thin with me ... know that my heart is broken in the loss of our two babies, my hopes and dreams are teetering on a very thin tight rope, I cannot escape reminders of what I so badly desire - but just can't seem to be blessed with, and societally ... I'm supposed to be a good 50's housewife who just takes the pain and smiles.
In all this ... I actually think I'm preachin' to the choir. As I feel like my IRL friends have been more than supportive (except that I have/had a feeling like they think I'm crazy/obsessive ... really what's new?) and if it's just my supportive friends and fellow infertiles reading this - then yes, I am preaching to the choir.
Lastly, and a little bit off topic, I want to add that my heart breaks for women who are struggling, quietly with this battle. Especially those that use a blog to share information with other infertiles, thinking/knowing that they can't share this struggle with RL family and friends - so they remain completely anonymous. Shame on us as a community. Wouldn't it be great if their friends and family were good listeners? supportive? concerned? (not always telling them that if they "were just less stressed about it, they'd get pregnant" ... let me tell you, I don't think that less stress will lower my TSH, my FSH, nor will it change my genetic mutation of MTHFR ... but go ahead and keep telling women who don't know why they can't get pregnant that it's essentially their fault - that really helps them!! [I hope you can detect the sarcasm, cause I'm layin' it on pretty thick])
Whew, ok, my rant is over. Now go hug your friends who are struggling with infertility! And talk about their issues with them, perhaps the release will allow them to not have to struggle with their internal thoughts and emotions that rarely get expressed (hence causing obsession) ... wow that was deep, I should be a shrink or something!
Seriously, I mean it, stop spending time at the computer on such a wonderful day and enjoy RL!
Polly--This is a really great post, and I think you have some true insight to the struggle with the daily deluge of thoughts and emotions concerning ttc that we kind of hide in our hearts away from our IRL friends and family. Its true that our blogs become a place where we support each other and can speak plainly without fear to be judged about being obsessed.
ReplyDeleteI love what you said about your heart being tender and weak--how God uses that to speak to us. Profound.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can relate and understand, so much.
Hi friend -- yes, you're obsessing, but that's an OK thing. As you say, it's on your heart daily. If something were on my heart daily, wouldn't you want me to share it with you? If my heart breaks wouldn't you be there for me? Of course you would.
ReplyDeleteObsessing seems like such a harsh word...it's not that, I look at it as anguish and grief. Your heart *is* fragile and little upsets along the way only weaken it. But take heart -- our God is stronger and can overcome. You're right on one thing -- He's got your attention.
IRL friends and family, if they are impatient with you, it should speak volumes (sadly). Love is patient...love is kind...and applicable to your post, it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
How many times do can we read "bearing with one another in love?" That's what friendship and family is about -- loving at all times, in good and bad. *sniff* almost like a marriage!
You've got my support my friend - always.